Explanation/Disclaimer: If jimmy cracks corn, and nobody cares… why is there a song about him?
Quickie 25: St. Patties Day Special, OR… Sweet Memories
Announcer: "Well, what do we have here? Our favorite heroes trading sexual favors for money? No, of course not, that would be just plain "stupid" wouldn't it? Every other stupid half-ass concept is accepted for this series, but when the announcer makes a suggestion, all I hear, "That's just perverted." or, "Why would Ash want a live Gerbil in his pants." Well I ask you, why WOULDN'T HE? Augh… hey, who are you guys? Where are you dragging meeeeeeee??? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
…
…
…
…
Ash: "We really have to start using union-contracted announcers."
"Yeah," Brock said, "But do you realize how much extra we'd have to pay them?"
"Never mind," Misty said, "Let's just get this thing started."
"We can't!" Brock said, "Not until we are properly announced."
"Oh, for the love of…" May said frustrated, "Hang on."
The newest female pokemon trainer walked off screen and comes back with a large bullhorn. She puts it to her lips and announces, "Today we join Ash, May, Brock and Misty..."
Misty glared at May.
May continues, "…on a glorious St. Patrick's Day. What adventures will our favorite quartet have today?"
May tosses the bullhorn off screen and asks Brock, "Better?"
"Much." Brock agrees.
"Wait a second," Ash says, "Something's wrong here."
"Yeah, there's four of us," Misty mutters.
"No, its not that." Ash says, ignoring Misty and May sticking their respective tongues out at one another, "We're doing a St. Patrick's Day episode… and just like last year, we're late."
"When aren't we late?" Brock asked, "We cant be on time for anything. Remember when…?"
***SCENE CHANGE TO THE FOREST…
In a large flash of light, Brock, Misty and Ash appear out of thin air. "Did we make it?" Misty asked.
Ash checked the Chronoskimmer and said, "Yeah, we came back exactly one hour before Bambi's mom was shot. If we hurry we'll be able to make sure this time there will be a happy ending."
A loud gunshot echoes throughout the meadow, and we hear a deer cry, (along with an entire studio audience). Brock and Misty give Ash a nasty look. Ash looked at the Chronoskimmer confused, and then said, "Ohhhh…, Spring forward, Fall BACK… my bad…" Ash looked up at Misty and Brock, still looking annoyed at Ash.
Ash shrugged and put on a BBQ apron, "Well then, waste not, want not, who's up for some venison?"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
"Oh yeah…" Misty said remembering, "I had forgotten all about that. I love that marinade you made Ash."
May looked horrified, "You actually ate Bambi's Mom?"
"Yeah," Brock said, "You know for such a tender scene… Bambi's Mom really was tough and kinda gamy."
May shook her head, "That's incredible… what else have you guys done?"
Ash scratched his chin, "What about the time we saved Pallet Town from Deadites??"
***SCENE CHANGE TO…
Ash stumbling out of his house, landing on his back. Out of the door, an evil version of Ash comes racing out. Ash looked up at his evil doppelganger and simply said, "Groovy." (in an oddly deep voice) And aimed up his shotgun.
Ash fired 22 rounds into his evil prey without ever having to reload. After the Evil Ash had fallen, Ash stood up looked down at his evil double and said, "Hail to the King baby."
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
"That was you?" May asked impressed, "I thought that was a different Ash?"
"Nah," Ash said, "That's me in that movie, but test markets said they wanted an older looking hero, so they changed my looks electronically. Its really not all that unusual, did you know that Eddie Murphey played every single character in the Lord of the Rings?"
"Did you know that every time you speak, odd things come out of your mouth?" Brock asked.
"Hey," Misty said, "As long as we're talking about the stuff we've been through, let's tell May about the time we met the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Corwin?"
***SCENE CHANGE TO THE SAFARI ZONE…
Ash Misty and Brock stood behind Steve Corwin who leaned into a bush and spread apart the branches looking in. "Oy," Steve Corwin said, "Would you take a look at that! That's a Seviper! A dangerously poisonous pokemon not usually found in this region. Aw, what a beaut!."
The trio try to crane their necks over to see the wild pokemon. "Oy there kids," Steve Corwin said, "Don't get too close to this beauty, no matter how sexy it is, its very dangerous."
Ash looked at Misty with a curious glance and mouthed the word, "Sexy?"
Misty shrugged.
Steve Corwin continued, "Now I need complete silence, the slightest noise might make this beauty attack. And we wouldn't want to upset this sexy little lady all wrapped up in skin tight snakeskin. (growling noise)"
Misty coughed the word, "FREAK"
Unfortunately for Steve, that was enough to scare the Seviper enough to leap forward and sink its poisonous fangs into crocodile hunter's face. "AUGHHHHH" Steve Screams, "Oy its biting into my brain!!! Crikey!"
"Misty!" Ash yelled, "What did you do?"
Misty stammered, "I… I…, I didn't mean it, I was just making a joke."
Brock leaned over and watched the squirming Crocodile Hunter, and said, "Well the poison in his system now, he's done for…"
The trio stood there for a second longer, then each took off running.
Steve Corwin leaned up a bit and said, "Tell my wife… my last words… were… didgeridoo." Then he collapsed.
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
Ash chuckled a little bit, and said, "Yeah… good times… good times…"
May spoke up, "As much fun as all this is, what does any of this have to do with St. Patrick's Day?"
"Nothing." Brock replied honestly and then said, "Who cares? Anyway, this one time…"
***SCENE CHANGE TO A WRESTLING RING…
"ROCK BOTTOM!!!" JR cries out, "This one is over!"
Sure enough, the WWF champion the Rock had just hit his finishing maneuver on the young pokemon trainer. Brock lay limp on the mat as the charismatic champ walked in front of the lain trainer's head.
"Here it comes!" The king says, "The most electrifying move in sports entertainment today!!! THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW!!! PUPPIES!!! The Rock's implants are like man PUPPIES!!!"
"Well put!" JR agreed holding up an "Okalahoma Sooners" sign.
But just before he could hit the elbow, the Rock got a huge surprise! Brock lept up and grabbed the Rock by the neck and hit the diamond cutter, drilling Rock face first into the mat.
The ref knelt down and counted, "1, 2, 3!!!"
JR: "Oh my god! We have a new champ! Brock is the new champ!!!"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
"Oh come on!" Ash said interrupting Brock's story, "that's ridiculous, you never won the WWF title."
"Oh really." Brock said, "Then why do I have this?" Brock reached into his backpack and pulled out the WWF title.
"Because," Ash explained, "After the last WWF house show we caught, we stalked the Rock to his car and then hit him in the back of the head with a crowbar and stole his title."
"And THAT'S not the same as winning it?" Brock asked incredulously.
"Do you realize" May said, "That in all your stories, someone has died! That's horrible."
"Oh yeah," Ash said chuckling, "You'll get used to death around here quickly, hey Misty remember that time when…"
***SCENE CHANGE TO A SMALL TOWN SETTING…
"Alright Psyduck," Misty commanded, "Use Psybeam attack!"
The dumb duck pokemon just looked vacantly at its master.
The four pre-teen boys that she was trying to impress started laughing loudly at her. "Oh man!" Cartman said, "That was the fbleeping lamest piece of shbleep I've ever seen in my whole life!"
"Yeah man!" Stan said laughing, "That stupid bbleep couldn't fbleeping bleep BLEEP BleEp"
Kyle continued, "bleep bleep bleep bleep Beep"
"Beep?" Stan asked.
"Oh…" Kyle said, "I meant Bleep"
"You stupid Jew" Cartman yelled, "You bleep the bleep and bleep bleep bleep bleep"
Sadly, all that bleeping caused Psyduck to get a headache, and its eyes started to glow.
"Uh, guys," Misty said, "I think you should stop that…"
"Oh go fbleeping fbleep yourself you bleep bleep bleep" Cartman swore at Misty.
Psyduck eyes grew bluer, and so did Kenny's.
Psyduck started to shake, and so did Kenny.
Psyduck yelled, and so did Kenny.
And finally, Kenny's crotch exploded, draining out all his organs, including his brain.
"OH MY GOD!!!" Stan cried out, "YOU KILLED KENNY!!!"
"You bastard!!!" Kyle yelled.
After a moment, Cartman said, "No but seriously, that was a cool one!"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
May looked horrified, "And that's funny?"
"I guess you had to be there," Misty admitted.
"Yeah, but that's why we call Misty our little ball buster." Ash said grinning.
"Yeah, she goes nuts." Brock agreed.
Misty picked up her mallet to dish out a little 'pun'ishment, but May interrupted, "All this violence… actually its kinda intriguing. Any more tales?"
"Well," Ash said, "I'll have you know, Brock's not the only one with a championship…"
"Are you going to tell her about the time you hit Nancy Kerrigan?" Brock asked.
"Nahhhh…" Ash said, "This is about the one I actually won."
***SCENE CHANGE TO A KARATE RING…
Ash was just knocked down again by a spinning back fist, blood started to drip from his nose onto his Gi. (karate uniform)
Gary dressed in a black Gi grins at his fallen foe, meanwhile, Tracey cries out to Gary, "Put him in a body bag Johnny!!! Umm… I mean Gary!!!"
Ash looks over and see his master Mr. Mime-agi looking at him, and then he sees Misty cheering him on to get up, tears in her eyes. Ash shakes the cobwebs out of his head, stands up and goes into the crane position.
"GO!" The ref cries, and just as Gary charges in, Ash kicks Gary square in the jaw, drilling his long time foe.
The ref steps in, and declares Ash the winner. Misty leaps up in joy, and Mr Mime-Agi… hasn't been paying attention, its been pretending its trapped in an invisible box.
Professor Oak's voice bleeds over the scene, as he sings in a higher pitched voice, "I am a man who will fight for your honnnnnnorrrrrrr…"
Misty runs into the ring and leaps into Ash's arms…
"Something something something, about a shining knight from a long time ago…"
Ash picks her up and the two twirl around embracing…
"Ralph Machio is a man who fights with honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnorrrrrrrrrrrr…"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO MAIN STORY…
"Well…" May said, "That's quite a rip-off… I mean story."
"Damn straight!" Ash said, then checked his watch, "Well, that about does it for this one."
"But…" May said concerned, "We called this one our St. Patties Day special, and we didn't do anything even remotely Irish! Won't people be upset?"
"Nah," Brock said, "We got it covered…"
And in comes Pikachu dressed in complete Leprechaun's garb, green jacket, green hat, little pointy boots, an orange beard and a pipe sticking out of its mouth. It nods, an upbeat Irish tune starts and the little yellow pokemon starts to do an Irish Jig. "Woo!" Ash said dancing a bit to the Irish tune, "You've kissed the Blarney Pikachu."
"Pikachu Pika O' Pikachu." Pikachu said. Translation: "I'm so Fbleeping embarrassed."
Ash, Misty, Brock and May grinned and said to the camera, "Happy St. Patties Day, see you next time!"
The camera Irishes… I mean… Irises out on Pikachu who looks up at Ash and says, "Pikachu, Pika O' Chu." Translation: "I'm thunder bolting you the next time you're in the shower."
THE END!!!
"So, how does it feel to get your first quickie under your belt?" Misty asked May.
"Pretty good!" May said, "But… is it usually as crazy as this?"
"Nah," Brock said, "It's usually much worse."
"Oh… wonderful." May said.
"Don't worry…" Ash said, "It'll grow on you… like a fungus…, but not just an fungus… one that will become poisonous after time."
"That doesn't sound that good…" May said.
"No?" Ash said surprised, "I hope your not, that's our newest advertising campaign."
THE REAL END…?
"Actually," Ash said, "It's not! To do something different we're going to end quickies with fan mail and questions."
"Neat." Misty said, "Do we get paid overtime."
Ash looked shocked, "Misty! This is something extra we're doing to make the fans happy. OF COURSE we get paid overtime, duh!"
Ash reached into the big burlap sack and read the note, "Mewtwo of the Darkness wrote, 'Question: Ash and Misty, did you ever do a threesome?'"
Ash put the note down and said, "Mewtwo…, of course we have done a threesome."
Misty snapped her head up blushing, "ASH!!!"
"What Misty?" Ash asked.
"What the hell are you talking about???" Misty yelled.
"What?" Ash said, "We've done threesomes before with Brock, quite often too!"
Brock yelled over, "Woah dude, what?"
"What's the big deal?" Ash asked confused, "I hope to have a foursome with May joining us sometime."
May ran out of the studio.
Ash shook his head, quite confused at the annoyed looks he was getting from his friends, "What??? Just the other day, me and misty were playing scrabble, Brock asked if he could play two, so we made our game a threesome."
Brock and Misty looked at Ash. "You're a dipshit, you know that, right?" Brock said annoyed.
"What?"
Brock and Misty walked out of the studio muttered to themselves.
"What???" Ash yelled after them, "Jeez, and they act like I'M the crazy one. Ok, so thanks for your question 'Mewtwo of the Darkness, I hope you didn't mind me using your name. If so, lemme know, and I'll remove it. As for the rest of you, if you want to ask a question or have a comment, send them to "Edifolco25@aol.com" with the Subject heading "Pokemon Quickies." and maybe your email will make it to the quickie! Thanks, take care!"
THE REALLY REAL END
Alright, another quickie done, sorry this one took so long, and I'm really sorry no Christmas one yet, but it'll come… it'll come. Someday. Soon, maybe. But I figured lets keep moving forward until I get it done. Thanks for reading my twenty-fifth quickie, this one is special to me, because twenty five is my lucky number, so I hope I get lots of reviews and lots of questions in my email. Thanks again for reading my story, take care and see you soon!
This story is dedicated to Ralph Machio, the Karate Kid, who taught a whole generation of kids that if you pretend to know karate you will get your ass kicked.