Explanation/Disclaimer: If at first you don't succeed… QUIT!!! No sense being a damned fool about it.
Quickie 26: Mallratattas
We open on Ash Ketchum standing in front of a wall, in which a few of the pokemon cast is standing against. "Alright," Ash says, "I was told I had to pick a few of you for today's pokemon quickie. So, I figured let's do this like how you pick teams for kickball. So lets see… Brock, you're on the team."
"Yes!" Brock says and walks over and stands behind Ash.
"Misty," Ash says, "You're in it too."
"Neat!" Misty says happily and goes and stands next to Brock.
"Tracey…" Ash says.
"Yeah?!" Tracey says hopefully.
"What the fbleep are you doing here? Nobody likes you, get the hell out of here." Ash replies.
"Ok, you guys are assholes!" Tracey says annoyed and stalks off.
Ash yells after him, "And with an attitude like that you wonder why you're less liked then Simon on American Idol."
After a moment Ash turned his attention back to the wall, "Alright, May, you're part of this one too!"
"Yippee!" May said happily and raced over to join the team.
"Now lets see…" Ash said reading his clipboard, "According to this… I need one more male… Gary…?
Ash was surprised to see that Gary wasn't around, in fact, the only one left standing at the wall was Max.
"Yes!" Max thought to himself, "I'm the only guy here, I'm finally going to be part of a quickie!"
Ash looked back and forth and said, "Well… looks like there's only one choice left…"
Max started to walk forward when Ash said, "I didn't want to do it, but there's no other choice left. Alright Naraku, you're with us."
"WHAT???" Max exclaimed.
Naraku, a tall young dark-haired, sinister looking man dressed in the fur of a white baboon, and a dark purple and black kimono walked to the group, seemingly out of nowhere, "Excellent," he said darkly.
"Wait a god-damned minute!" Max yelled stalking up to Ash, "You chose NARAKU over me? InuYasha's most hated enemy, THAT Narkau? The powerful manipulating half-demon, THAT Narkau? EVIL INCARNATE… THAT NARAKU??? You chose HIM over me???"
"Ummm…" Ash said, "Yeah… why?"
"WHY?" Max exclaimed, "Why would you choose him, someone not even a part of our show, over me?!"
"Well…" Ash responded, "How can I put this, and still spare your feelings. Well Max, its just that, no one really likes you. In fact, according to our studies, viewers see you sorta like the 'Scrappy Doo' of pokemon."
"What?" Max exclaimed.
"Yep," Ash said, "Scrappy Doo… the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons."
Max ran out of the room crying. "That was a little harsh," May said, "Wasn't it"
"No." Naraku grinning evilly said, "You must savor the sweet tears of the young and innocent."
Misty and May took a step away from Naraku. "Ash," Misty whispered, "are you sure its ok to bring this guy along with us?"
"Sure," Ash said, "What could go wrong?"
Misty raised her eyebrow at Ash, "Remember the last time you said that?"
"Yeah yeah," Ash said, "Superman died… but hey, he came back didn't he? A hearty thank you to the makers of Phoenix Down."
"So what's with this big setup anyway?" Brock asked, "What do we have to do?"
"Something incredibly important." Ash responded.
"Saving some rare pokemon?" May asked.
"Travel to far away lands of magic and wonder?" Misty asked.
"Find the Jade Monkey?" Brock asked.
"Devouring babies?" Naraku asked.
Again, Misty and May took a further step away from the evil demon.
"Nah…" Ash said, "Something even more important, we're going to the mall!"
After a long pause Brock asked, "What's so important about going to the mall?"
"Nothing really," Ash said, "You said we needed supplies, and I figured it'd be fun to take a day and do some shopping."
"Awesome!" May said, "I can buy a new swimsuit for the summer!"
"And I can check out the newest fall fashions." Misty said.
"And there are a few new pokemon guides I've been meaning to look through," Brock said, "Sounds like a trip to the mall is a great idea, but Ash, why did you say that this was so important."
"Oh," Ash said, "You know how viewers are today, if everything isn't a major crisis or adventure, they tune right out… so we have to make everything seem exciting and dangerous. So anyway… WE HAVE TO CATCH THE BUS TO THE MALL, OR WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!"
***SCENES AT A MALL (oops, I meant "SCENE CHANGE TO THE MALL)
As our group of heroes (and one villain) entered the mall, they were all in high spirits.
Ash *singing*: "You're the red white and blue, oh, the funny things you do, America, America, now this is you!"
"ASH!" Misty yelled, "Would you please stop singing that song?"
Ash frowned. Brock spoke up, "Alright gang, what should we do first?"
"Well," Misty said, "May and I have a little shopping to do."
"Ok," Ash said, "We'll do your shopping first, then we'll…"
May interrupted Ash, "Actualy Ash, it's kind of personal… the shopping, so me and Misty are just going to go alone, ok?"
"Personal?" Ash asked.
Misty sighed, "If you must know, we're going to go look for new bras."
Brock grinned widely, "Can I come?"
Ash opened his mouth to make a smart ass remark, but Misty snapped her hand over Ash's mouth and said, "Don't you dare!"
Ash tried to look innocent, "What? You don't know what I was going to say."
"Actually," Misty said, "I knew exactly what you were going to say… so don't say it!"
"So…" Brock said sadly, "I cant come along?"
"Only if you want to be maced." May warned.
"Oh, I've been maced before… its not so bad…" Brock bragged.
May reached into her back pack and pulled out a medieval mace. (You know, the ball with a spike on it, attached to handle by a chain) Brock face fell, and he looked at Ash and said, "So… its just us guys, huh?"
"Yep," Ash said, "Just you, me, and Naraku… hey… where's Naraku?"
The group turned to see Naraku reach into another person's shopping bag, remove an expensive watch, and put it into another man's bag. Naraku then tapped the original guy's shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but I noticed that that guy over there stop something from you."
When the man went to confront the 'thief', a nasty verbal spat started, which quickly came to blows. Naraku watched this enjoying every bloody blow, as he arched his fingers together and said, "Excellent."
"I think we're going to have to keep a closer eye on him," Ash whispered to Brock.
"Unless of course," Brock said, "The girls want to take our esteemed guest along with… hey… where'd the girls go?"
Our male heroes watched Misty and May quickly make their escape into the crowd. Meanwhile, Naraku kept watching the fight he caused with glee. At this point, the 'theif' was on top of the other guy, raining down punches. "Here, my friend" Naraku said in an almost hypnotic voice, "Use this broken bottle… finish the job…"
Ash and Brock rush up and take the broken bottle away from Naraku and drag him away, Ash saying, "Alright, that's enough of that."
Ash and Brock walked pushing Naraku along gently. "Look," Brock said, "I know you're… well… evil… and that was a legitimate lifestyle choice back in your day…"
"Just try to behave, alright?" Ash asked.
"I make no promises." Naraku said firmly.
"Look," Ash pointed, "There's that shop that is devoted to nothing but travel games."
Brock looked up at the store's name which read, 'Pair of Dice by the Dashboard Light.'. "You know," Brock said, "I've read about this place, its got some great stuff. Let's check it out."
"Yeah," Ash agreed, then leaned in and whispered, while pointing over to Naraku, "And it should be a safe place to bring in Mr. Grim over there."
Naraku leaned over taking a child's balloon away, then using the balloon's string, he leaned over more, about to wrap it an old man's throat. Ash quickly ran in and took the balloon away from him and gave it back to the child, "Come on…" Ash said, pushing an unhappy Naraku away from the fleeing child, "Let's go into here…" Then he muttered to himself, "It's like babysitting, Chucky… I wonder how Misty and May are doing?"
***SCENE CHANGE TO MISTY AND MAY…
"I love the mall!" May cheered, "Don't' you?"
"Yeah," Misty said, "Who doesn't? So should we head over to Victoria's Secret?"
"Meh…" May said to her shopping buddy, "What's the rush? We never get to do stuff like this when we're with the guys, why not do a little browsing around first?"
"Alright," Misty said, "Sounds like fun, where to then?"
"Hey," May said pointing, "Isn't that the rap store opened up by Disney? "It's a Biggie Small World."?"
"Yeah," Misty said, walking to the store's entrance with May, "I think so… but there's something about that seems unsettling…"
As Misty and May poked their head through the door, they were greeted with a dancing Minnie Mouse, shaking her rump to the beat of "I Like Big Butts."
After watching that disturbing image for only a moment, both Misty and May said in unison, "I'm outta here." and left quickly.
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO THE GUYS…
Ash Brock and Naraku quickly ran out of "Pair of Dice By the Dashboard Life" barely avoiding the frenzied mob fighting in the shop.
"Well…" Brock said glaring angrily at Naraku and Ash, "THAT went well…"
Ash looked up at Naraku incredulously, and asked, "How on EARTH did you manage to cause a riot using nothing but a travel version of 'Perfection'?"
Naraku grinned evilly and replied, "We all must use the gifts we were given."
Ash shook his head annoyed, "Geez, this isn't going well at all… at this rate it would have been better if we DID take Max instead of this guy…"
Max came running up out of nowhere, "Do you guys really mean it!?!?" He asked excitedly.
"NO!" Brock and Ash yelled sternly.
Crestfallen, Max frowned and walked away. "Seriously though," Brock asked, "What are we going to do with this guy?"
"What?" Naraku asked annoyed, "You knew what I was when you invited me."
"I know, I know…" Ash said, "Evil incarnate, but do you think you could tone it down for sake of this episode?"
Naraku said nothing but walked silently with Ash and Brock, deeper into the mall. "Oh man!!!" Ash cried out, "CHECK IT OUT!"
Ash took off running. "What is it Ash?" Brock asked, walking after Ash, making sure that the villain was following them.
When Brock caught up with Ash just the young trainer ran into 'Byte Me" the video game store. "Mortal Kombat: Devastation has finally come out!" Ash cheered, "Check it out man! Twenty-Five characters, over 50 fatalities, including the infamous, and nearly banned, "Chainsaw Enema"."
"Interesting." Naraku said raising an eyebrow, "What's this marvelous device?"
"It's a Playstation." Ash explained, "It lets you play video games, and this is one of the best there are, its Mortal Kombat."
Ash picked up a game controller and after a brief and bloody battle he managed to rip the kidneys out of his opponent, then forced his foe to eat them.
"That rules!!!" Ash cheered.
Naraku chuckled, "Oh… been there… done that… but that really is something else."
Naraku stared at the violent screen almost seductively, picked up the other controller, and the two players managed to perform horrible acts of violence against one another that cannot be mentioned here. Naraku seemed to be in a trance.
"A little." Ash admitted.
Brock looked shocked at Ash. Ash sweatdropped, "Oh… you were talking to him, right?"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO THE GIRLS…
The two girls had just walked out of the antiques shop, "Pattywack's KnickKnacks." when Misty's stomach let out a loud rumble.
After she blushed she asked May, "Wanna get something to eat?"
"Sure why not?" May said.
Minutes later May and Misty were sitting at a booth, and were handed menus by a waitress. "Thanks," Misty said after getting the menu, "But I think I know what I want already… do you serve any fish?"
The waitress gave Misty a nasty glare and said, "If you bothered you READ the menu, you'd know that we don't serve fish here."
Misty gave the waitress a rye face and said, "Uh… sorry, well we'll just be a minute."
The waitress sighed loudly and rather loudly and walked away. Misty leaned over the table to May and asked, "Was it me, or was she really rude?"
"Well," May said trying to be the pacifist, "It did look that way a little bit, but maybe she's just tired?"
Misty rolled her eyes, "Whatever…, well I guess I'll just have the Italian Chicken Wrap, how about you?"
"I think I'll have the Caesar Salad." May said, "Now we just have wait for the waitress…"
*Five minutes later…
Misty whispered to May again, "Where's our waitress?"
"Ummm," May said, "I think that's her over there flirting with the chef."
"What?" Misty said annoyed, "I'm going to go over there and…"
"No… no!" May said getting embarrassed, "Don't make a scene, its no big deal, I'm sure she'll be over here any second now…"
***SCENE CHANGE TO BACK TO THE BOYS…
"Well, that was fun." Ash said as they left the video game store, and passed by "Pick a Flick" the Mall's movie theater. "Hey," Ash said, "You mind if I go in there real fast?"
Brock looked at Ash and said, "What for? We don't have time for a movie…"
"Yeah," Ash said, "But I wanted to get some popcorn…"
"Well… ok…" Brock said.
Minute later it was Ash's turn to order. Narkau eyed the popcorn popper, "What is this thing?"
"It's popcorn, you'll love it…" Brock said.
"Would you like artifical butter flavoring on that?" The concession stand worker asked.
"Why not?" Ash said, and the worker pumped out a thick yellowy ooze on top of the popcorn, Narkau looked horrified.
"What in the seven hells are you putting on your popped corn?" Naraku asked.
"It's artifical butter flavoring…, no one's quite sure what it's made of…" Brock explained.
Naraku eyed the ooze closely and said, "I'm comprised of literally thousands of demons, I've feasted upon the still beating hearts of swamp dragons, and washed that down with the bile from the liver of the walking dead… and yet, THAT is the most vile substance I've laid eyes on…"
Ash looked at his bag of popcorn and Brock asked, "Whats the matter…"
"All of a sudden, I'm not as hungry as I once was…" Ash said sticking out his tounge.
Ash tossed the popcorn in the trashcan and walked away, Naraku looked a little confused, "Was it something I said?"
***SCENE CHANGE BACK TO THE LADIES…
Ten minutes have passed and May to an increasingly annoyed Misty, "Relax, I'm sure… they're just busy."
"There's only 5 other people in here!" Misty hissed annoyed.
"Calm down, come on, we had some fun didn't we? What about that odd bookstore we went into?" May asked.
"You mean Waldenbooks?" Misty asked.
"Yeah, that was really weird, the only books they had were written by Henry David Thoreau." May said.
"You know…" Misty said, "NO one is going to get that joke…"
"They might…" May defended.
***BACK TO THE BOYS…
"Well," Ash said walking past 'Go Cluck Yourself' the fried chicken place, "I think things are going a bit better, don't you think?"
Brock nodded, "Yeah, Naraku seems to have mellowed out a bit, maybe he got his fill of violence from Mortal Kombat?"
"YES!!!" Naraku cried out and took off in a run.
"I don't suppose that was him agreeing with you," Ash asked, "Do you?"
Brock and Ash raced after Naraku who ran into "420", a shop that's known for selling incenses, astrology stuff, fun t-shirts, *cough* bongs *cough* and…, unfortunately for our heroes, traditional Asian weapons.
Ash and Brock looked at the rack of cool looking weapons and Ash muttered, "Well this is fbleeping great…"
Naraku was eyeing a very ornate looking sword with a dragon carved into its ivory handle. "Who would want stuff like this?" Brock asked.
"Hey," the shop owner said, "a lot of people, in fact, I just sold a set of sais, a set of kitana blades, a set of nunchucks AND a bo staff!"
"To who?" Ash asked suspiciously.
"Those guys over there." The owner pointed to.
Ash turned just in time to see 4 slightly green looking men in trench coats leaving, "See ya later dude," the one called to the owner.
Ash watched them leave, thought about it for a second, then said, "Nah… couldn't be…"
Naraku took the blade into his hands and swung it around like a true master. "Excuse me sir," The owner said, "But please don't handle the merchandise."
"Well," Ash said watching this, "THIS will probably end well…"
"Relax" Brock said, "The weapons here can't have been sharpened yet, so there's no problem…"
Naraku looked at his dull blade, then took his hand, wrapped it tightly around the blade and ran it along the length of the weapon. A loud screeching noise escaped Naraku's grasp as he ran it up and down the blade, faster and faster. *dirty dirty thoughts* After a few seconds of this, the sword was a sharp as a razor. To test this Naraku took one swing slicing the counter in half.
"Alright now see…" Brock said, "THAT could be a problem…"
"Wait!" Ash said, "I have an idea!" And with that Ash took off running out of the store.
After a moment Brock looked at the store clerk and asked, "You think escaping was his plan?"
The clerk nodded sadly.
***GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN… (or lunch anyway…)
Misty drummed her fingers annoyed at the table. "Well, May" Misty said, "It's be twenty-five minutes, should I complain now?"
Just as annoyed, May said, "Yeah, go nuts."
But before Misty could follow through on this, the waitress finally came back. "Alright, are you ready?"
"Umm.. YEAH!" Misty said annoyed, "I'll have the Italian Chicken Wrap."
"I'll have the Caesar Salad." May said.
"You want fries with your fish?" the waitress asked not really listening her costumers.
"What?" Misty asked, "You said you didn't have fish!"
"Then why did you just order it?" the waitress asked annoyed.
"I didn't!" Misty said equally annoyed, "I ordered the Italian Chicken Wrap!"
"And I had the Caesar Salad." May restated.
"We don't serve that." the waitress commented.
"What do you mean?" May exclaimed, "That woman over there is eating one!"
The waitress walked over to that woman took her salad and threw it in the garbage, then walked back to the girl's table, "See? No Caesar!"
"Ok…" May said, "I'm out of here."
Misty and May walked out steaming mad, "I can't believe this!" May said.
"Seriously" Misty said, then yelled into the place, "I'm coming back here with NARAKU!!!!"
The two girls head out and after a moment May said, "Uh, Misty… I think I found out what the problem was…"
The two girls looked up at the name of the restaurant which of course was "unFreindly's" .
Misty and May both said at the same time, "Ohhhhhhhhh…"
"This mall's crazy," Misty said, "Let's get out of here…"
"What about our bras?" May asked
"Screw it," Misty said, "We can do better without them, I mean, look how well Fujiko Mine did without them."
***LET'S HERE IT FOR THE BOYS… (lets give the boys a hand-and-and…)
Naraku raised his blade over the clerk's head, and was about to perform a "Fatality" of his own when Ash came running in, "WAIT!" Ash said, "Naraku, here… I got something for you…"
Ash thrust a cup into Naraku's hands. "Here…" Ash said, "Drink this."
Naraku looked at Ash for a second, then took a swig from the cup. A warm smile spread across the villain's face and he put the sword down. The clerk took off running. "What did you give him?" Brock asked, "Sedatives?"
"Even better…" Ash said, "Frappuccino."
"Good thinking." Brock said, "But do you think the caffeine will have an adverse side effect on him?"
*** MOMENTS LATER…
Up tempo music plays. Naraku grabs the mic and sings, "woah-woah woah woah-o…"
Naraku sings: "This is what I want to do…"
Ash: "Let's have some fun…"
Naraku: *singing* "One on one just me and you…"
*drums roll…*
Ash/Brock: *singing* "Boom Boom Boom Boom…"
Naraku: *singing* "I want you in my room, and spend the night together, from now until forever…"
Ash/Brock: *singing* "Boom Boom Boom Boom…"
Naraku then leaps into the air, hit's the floor right into the dance move, the worm.
Ash laughs and whispers to Brock, "Damn, he's high as a kite! I guess caffeine DOES have a side effect on demons!"
Narkau passes by them hopping on one food doing an air guitar riff. "See…" Ash said, "Its like I always say… most of life problems can be solved by Starbucks…"
"When the hell do you ever say that?" Brock asked.
"All the time you're just not paying attention." Ash said dismissively.
"Hey guys!" May called from outside the store.
Misty and May joined up with their friends and Misty looked in shock as Naraku started doing some weird things with his hands. "What is he doing?" she asked.
Brock eyed Naraku and said, "I think its called the hand jive, a popular dance move in the 80s…"
"I KNOW what he's doing, but I mean, why?" Misty said annoyed.
Ash held up the Frappuccino, "It's good for what ails ya…"
"Well, this was fun," Brock said, "But I think its about time we wrap it up and head home, don't you think?"
"Yeah," Ash said, "I think if we hurry we can catch the next bus back to…"
Ash was interrupted as someone cried out, "NARAKU!!!"
Everyone turned around and saw InuYasha tearing ass through the mall. "I've finally got you, and you're going to pay!"
Naraku, still stoned off his ass by the caffeine, tilted his head towards the half demon InuYasha and giggled, then reached out and grabbed InuYasha's noise, "honk…"
InuYasha smacked Naraku's hand away, "What the hell do you think your doing?" he cried.
"We have to do something," Brock said, "InuYasha is going to kill Naraku's buzz, and then they'll fight, and lots of people here are going to get hurt."
"Relax Brock," Ash said, handing InuYasha the Frappuccino cup, and said, "Here, take a hit of this…"
InuYasha sniffed the cup suspiciously then took a long swig of the liquid inside.
***MINUTES LATER…
InuYasha, arm in arm with Narku were leaving off into the sunset singing…
Naraku: "We ain't got a barrel of money…"
InuYasha: "Our clothes are ragged and funny…"
Naraku: "But we'll travel along…"
InuYasha: "Singing our song…"
Naraku/InuYasha: "Side… by… Side!!!"
The gang watched as the two hated but stoned enemies wandered off into the distance, "That's kind of sweet, isn't it?" May asked.
"It sure is May…" Ash agreed, "It sure is…"
Brock spoke up, "At least until the side effects of the caffeine wears off and their huge fight destroys the town they happen to be in."
Ash sweatdropped and said, "Oops…"
"Yeah… oops." Brock repeated sarcastically.
"Way to go Ash." May said equally sarcastic.
"Congrats." Misty told Ash continuing the stream of sarcasm.
"Oh leave me alone guys," Ash said getting on the bus, "Like none of you have ever been responsible for the collapse of a major city."
Iris out on the bus as it drives away, as we still hear our heroes bickering with each other.
THE END
Still on the bus, Ash said, "Well that was a fun, on location episode."
"Yeah, but much longer then usual, we should have made it a two-parter." Misty said.
"Yeah, we'd get paid more." Brock noted.
"Oh come on," Ash said, "It wasn't that bad, we had special guests…"
"That got paid more then I did!" May complained.
"Well," Ash said, "I know what will cheer you up."
"What?" May asked.
"It's time to answer an email question!" Ash said pulling out a letter, "And this one looks to be directed to you May!"
Misty stuck out her tounge, "She's been in two episodes and she already has mail."
"Hey," May said, "I can't help it if I'm just so loveable."
"Well anyway," Ash said reading, "Its from Cynott, and it reads,
"^___^ Hmmm... If you had the chance, May, would you push Max in front of a stampeding herd of angry Snorlaxes so afterwards he would go flying into a Sharpedo/Carvahna pit? If not, I CALL DIBS! ^____________^ Myoo hoo hoo…"
"Did you know about this email at the beginning of the episode?" Brock asked.
"Yeah," Ash said, "I didn't have the heart to tell Max about it, so, May, how about an answer is that how'd you'd put Scrappy out of his misery?"
May looked wide eyed in horror, "He's my brother! That's just horrible!"
Ash looked a little sorry for asking the question until May added, "It'd either be the Sharpedo pit, or the angry Snorlaxes… never both! I just wouldn't have the heart to do both."
"Now see me," Misty said, "With my sisters, I'd probably rig something with electricity in the bathtub, that'll teach them to hog the bathroom when I need to comb my hair."
"'Accident' poisoning is the way I'd go." Brock said.
"You're all sick people," Ash said, "You know that right? Thanks for the email Cynott, it's sure to get us in trouble with the FCC. And I hope we'll receive more email questions from all our readers. Send them to Edifolco25@aol.com (And remember to make the subject of the email 'Pokemon Quickies'."
THE REAL END
Well, this was a long one, and took me longer then I thought it would to write! I just had a lot of ideas for the mall. I'm glad I managed to get it done now because after the events of this week, I needed to spread some laughter. I hope everyone enjoyed it and thanks for making it all the way through. I hope everyone that enjoyed it will leave a review, nudge nudge hint hint wink wink, a nods the same as a wink to a blind bat. Anyway, thanks again for reading and take care until next time! Same quickie time, Same quickie channel.
BTW… an apology to all the Max lovers out there… "I'm sorry you like Max." :-D