Explanation/Disclaimer: Forget it… it's Chinatown…
Quickie 29: Mail Call
Announcer: "Today we join our heroes in Ash's backyard doing… well… absolutely nothing… nothing at all… and why is that?"
Ash lifted his head from the hammock he was laying in and said, "Because we're on vacation, that's why!"
Announcer: "But you guys can't just do NOTHING… that'd make for a pretty boring story!"
"Relax" Misty said, who was also sunning herself, "We have it covered."
Announcer: "You do?"
"Yeah" Brock said emerging from Ash's house carrying a large bag, "Here are all the emails that have been sent us."
"Cool!" Ash said looking at the large pile, "I never expected such a large response!"
Brock muttered, "Yeah… we got such a "large response" that none of these letters will have to made up and given pseudonyms."
"If they're emails," May asked, "How can they be in a sack?"
"I printed them out so we can read them out here in the sun." Brock explained.
"What a waste of paper," Misty sighed.
"Yeah," Ash said, "It's not like it grows on trees you know."
Everyone rolled their eyes, and Ash grinned as he laid back down in the hammock. Brock walked over to a chair and made himself comfortable, "Hey, we before we start this, wanna toss me a cold one Ash?"
Ash reached down in the cooler next to him and tossed Brock an ice cold Pepsi… nothing more refreshing on a hot summer day then a cold cool Pepsi. (If anyone is interested in endorsing their products on pokemon quickies… umm… we'll talk later…)
Brock pulled out the first letter and said, "Ok Ash, this one's for you, a miss Amanda Hugginkiss writes, "Dear Ash, Why do you make so many puns?"
Ash replied, "Well, I will quote my good friend GoGo Dodo who once said, "Pound for pound puns are your best form of comedy"… and I truly believe that… also how else can I not only entertain but annoy at the same time."
"You could learn to play the accordion?" Misty suggested.
"I said entertain as well…" Ash reminded.
"Oh yeah…" Misty agreed."Well," Ash said, "I hope that answered your question… what's next Brocko?"
Brock read another letter, "This one comes from a Mr. I. P. Freely…"
"He's a famous author!" Ash commented, "He wrote "The Yellow Stream"."
Brock rolled his eyes and then continued, "This email is for all of us, it reads, "I'm a huge fan of Pokemon Quickies, but why are you always so mean to Tracey. I think he's a cool character, and he's suppose to be a friend of yours, but you always seem to be so mean to him. Please explain why."
Ash replied, "Oh come on, we're only joking when we mess with Tracey, we all like Tracey, right guys?"
"Yep." Brock agreed.;"Of course." Misty replied"So you see, it's all good harmless fun where no one gets hurt and Tracey certainly doesn't take it to heart… hey speaking of which, there he is now… standing over in the next yard… hey Misty…" Ash took out a can of soda and tossed it to her, "You think you can nail Tracey in the nuts with this can from here?"
Misty tossed the can in the air a bit to feel its weight, "Oh yeah… piece of cake… watch this…"
But before she could, Ash remembered the letter and quickly said, "Of course, we're just joking…" then he whispered to Misty, "We'll get him later, ok?"
"You bet!" Misty whispered back.
"Thanks for the email, Mr. Freely," Brock replied pulling out another letter, "Alright this next one is for you May, Harry Balzac writes, "Dear May, what's your favorite pokemon in the whole world?"
"Lickitung." May answered quickly and completely deadpan, "the extremely long-tounged pokemon."
Brock raised an eyebrow, was about to say something, thought better of it, and let it go and quickly said, "Alright then, there's your answer Mr. Balzac, thanks for writing… next letter… this one is for all of us…, Phil the Lawyer asks, "Some people think that TV is to blame for the poor choices are children make. Have any of you done something because of TV?"
Ash sat up and said, "I hate the bad rep that TV gets. I want to state for the record that I have never done anything stupid because of television."
"And you HAVE done your share of stupid things, right Ash?" Brock said.
"Damn straight!" Ash said, then realizing, "Hey… wait…"
"Anyway Ash…" Misty said reluctantly, "That's not completely true… do you remember the time we visited Niagara Falls?"
Ash thought back…
Misty stood next to the American Falls, very excited, "This is so breathtaking!"
"I'll say" Brock says, "This is really awe inspiring…, hey, you want to go ride the Maid of the Mist?"
"You bet!" Misty said, then she realized that Ash wasn't around, "Hey… where did Ash go, he wouldn't want to miss that ride…"
Brock shrugged, "I dunno, he said he was going to get a soda, but that was fifteen minutes ago…"
"You don't think he got lost, do you?" Misty asked.
"What?" Misty asked then turned around and saw…
…Ash riding down the rapids in a barrel, holding a green bottle of soda in his hands, a huge grin on his face. Just as he was about to go over the falls Ash cried out, "SURRRGEEEEE!!!!"
End of Flashback…Ash blushed, "Well… the commercials WERE catchy…"
May looked astonished, "How did you even survive that fall?"
"Phoenix Down." Ash explained.
"Anyway," Brock said, "Here's a good letter, it comes from a Ms. Ouri, she writes, 'What is the dumbest thing you've ever done?"
Ash thought about this for a second…
Ash's Flashback…
Ash goes over the falls screaming, "SURRRGEEEEE!!!"
End of Flashback…
Brock interrupted Ash and said, "I remember my dumbest mistake…"
"What was it?" May asked.
"Taking a week off," Brock explained, "They swore that I wouldn't be replaced but I came back and found Tracey here…"
"Good thing he sucked, huh?" Ash said.
"Your joking right?" Misty asked incredulously.
"No, this is for real, see…" Brock said handing the letter to Misty.
Misty read on, "…you guys have the best. Also, I really enjoyed when you went to Hogwarts. Could you please make some Harry Potter puns?"
Ash and Brock cried out, "Woohoo!"
Ash scratched his chin, "Hmm… Harry Potter puns… well Brock… you know in Hogswarts there are four houses, right?"
Brock nodded, "Yep, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slythern, and Gryffindor."
"Well," Ash said, "I heard that there will be a slew of new houses added in book 6."
"You don't say!" Brock said, "I heard the same rumor."
"Yep." Ash nodded, "For instance, there's a house dedicated to people who like bird calls; Ravencaw"
Brock grinned and said, "Not to mention the house just for people who wear clothes made from the skin of animals… Leatheryns."
Ash chuckled and then added, "Plus, there's that house for out of shape students… Huffnpuff."
"Don't forget," Brock said, "There's that new house for con artists… Griftingdor."
May spoke up, "You know, I heard that there's going to be a house for fans of 70's Saturday morning TV… Puffnstuff!"
Ash and Brock grinned and May said, "Heh, I made a pun… I feel kinda dirty… in a good way!"
Everyone looked at Misty.Finally, Misty rolled her eyes, and shrugged and said, "Why not… there's also the house for cowards… Cravenclaw… now can we end this?"
"One more?" Ash pleaded.
Misty sighed, "Alright…"
Ash smiled, "Finally there's the house for Simpsons fans… Smitherns."
Brock and Ash chuckled hard at this, and finally Brock said, "Well, Ms. Cuddle, I hope you enjoyed that, because I know we did."
"Speak for yourself." Misty said.
"Ah, spoilsport." Ash said, "What's the next email Brocko?"
Brock pulled out another email and read it aloud, "If you were to choke a smurf, what color would it turn?"
"That's a stupid question…" Ash said, "They turn a deep purple…"
"I think its just a gag question." Brock explained.
"Should I even ask why you sound so sure?" Misty asked hesitantly.
"Well…" Ash replied, "You'll notice there aren't any toadstool houses in our garden anymore…"
"You choked a whole village of smurfs?" May asked horrified.
"Of course not." Ash answered, "You choke the smurfette, and without her, there won't be any new smurfs and the problem eventually takes care of itself."
"I'm not sure if that's funny or horrible." Misty said shocked.
"Can't it be both?" Ash asked.
"ANYWAY…" Brock said, "Let's move on, shall we? This next letter… um… this next letter must come from France… but I have no idea what its says…"
Ash got up and looked at the letter, then he grinned, "Hey, I got an idea… watch this…"
Ash stuck his head into the house and yelled, "Hey Max! Hurry up! Get out here, there's a letter for you!"
Ash chuckled at the gag, and as soon as Max got out, Ash said, "Here you go…"
Max looked at the letter and his face got serious. Ash grinned waiting for Max's disappointment to set in, but instead, Max starts to read it, "Je pense que le nouveau jeune garçon est le meilleur caractère sur l'exposition. Je pense qu'il est le caractère le plus drôle de la série."
Max chuckled and said, "Merci, thats très gentils de vous de dire. Si vous aimez drôle, how's ceci? Pourquoi le Torchick a-t-il traversé la route ? Pour se transformer en un Blaziken!!!"
Ash stared at Max for a second as the young boy chuckled at his own joke, then looked up at Ash, who was completely dumbfounded. "Gee, Ash! Thank you!" Max said, "That really made my day!"
Max then headed into the house, Ash stood there, completely lost for words. It wasn't until Max was well inside that Ash snapped out of it and yelled after the young boy, "AND YOU WONDER WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU!?!?"
Ash came back flustered and sat back down. Misty looked at him for a second and then said, "It sucks when a joke falls through, doesn't it?"
"Shut up." Ash muttered, "Let's move on, shall we Brock?"
"In one moment" Brock said, "Let's all revel in a Ash's flop sweat."
Ash glared at his friend. There's a long awkward pause while Misty Brock and May all try to stifle giggles, and finally Brock says, "Ok, NOW we can move on."
"Hate you guys…" Ash muttered.
Brock cleared his throat and read the next one, "Pat McGroin writes: 'The whole lot of you seems to have had tons of adventures, and done all sorts of crazy things…, so, is there anything you haven't done yet that you really want to?'. Well, Pat, I can answer that one right away…"
Scene Change To…
SCENE DELETED DUE TO THE STANDARDS AND DECENCY ACT OF 1995
Scene Change Back To Main Story…
Everyone just stared opened mouthed at Brock for a moment. May shuddered and said, "I'm going to see that image every time I close my eyes to sleep."
"Anyway," Ash said, desperately trying to change the subject, "I know EXACTLY what I'd like to do… but the author won't let me do it in a quickie."
"Why not?" May asked.
"He says its just too weird and no one will get the joke…" Ash explained."Well, what's it all about?" May inquired.
Ash: "Well…"
Ash's Fantasy…
The chorus of people in the small French Inn sing, "Everybody raise a class…"
Thenardier, the owner of the establishment, raises his glass as everyone continues to sing, "Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!"
The dirty Inn keeper laughs… that is until Ash bursts through the door and plasters the man with a steel chair to his skull. Ash drags the nearly unconscious man to the corner of the bar, and rests the steel chair on the guy's chest and face. Ash runs over to the nearest table, pumps his hands over his head and spells out, "A S H". Then leaps off the table and drop kicks the chair into Thenardier's face. Completely knocking the man out cold.
The crowd then starts to chant: "ECW!!! ECW!!! ECW!!!"
End of Ash's Fantasy…
Everyone stared at Ash will absolutely confusion, and Misty leaned over and took Ash's can of Pepsi away from him and sniffed the contents. Still eyeing Ash with suspect she handed the can back to Ash. "Well," Misty concluded, "It's not caused by what he drinks."
"Ok, next question," Brock said pulling out another email, "This one is from a Mr. Howard Johnson."
"That's just a lame pseudonym." Misty complained.
"Hey!" Misty said, "You just DID a stream of puns just a few minutes ago!"
"Hey," Ash said shrugging, "You gotta do what the people want."
Misty folded her arms in annoyance and muttered, "I swear, there must be either a fetish group for pun-a-feliacs, either that or it's a cult."
"Ready Ash?" Brock asked.
"Yep." Ash said.
"Ok then," Brock said, "Hey did you see recently in the WWE, that Undertaker's valet, was nearly killed, by being buried alive by the Undertaker?"
"You don't say!" Ash said in a mock shock.
"No!" Brock said, "It's true! I guess if he died, I guess he might come back as a Paul-tergeist."
"And," Ash added, "If you invited him to stay he'd be a polterguest!"
"True!" Brock said, "And he was a big man… good thing because if he was really small he'd come back as a pawltrygeist!"
"Yep!" Ash agreed grinning broadly, "Of course he might get a job haunting a church and become an altergeist."
"He could even haunt a piece of furniture and become an upholsterygeist!" Brock suggested.
"You know" Brock said scratching the back of his head, "You mentioned a church before… what if it was a satanic church that he haunted? He'd be a cultergeist!"
"He could always be the type of ghost that sheds its skin," Ash said, "You know, a moltergeist!"
"He could also haunt a bank!" Brock added, "and he'd be a vaultergeist."
"What if he was the type of ghost that snuck up on people and shook them really bad?" Ash asked, "Would that make him a joltergeist?"
With that last one the two young trainers practically fell over themselves laughing hard. Misty just shook her head in embarrassment, "Can we end this now?"
Brock struggled to catch his breath as he said, "Alright alright… one more." After he caught is breath from all the laughing he read, "This one is from a Mr. Joe Ker."
"I bet he's a wild man." May said grinning.
"He writes," Brock continued, "I have a joke you might want to use for one of your quickies. Ok, here goes, 'The Pope and Adolph Hitler goes into a strip joint…"
Misty quickly interrupted Brock by yanking the letter out of his hands, and tearing it into many little pieces. "Too offensive?" Brock asked.
"Just a bit." Misty said sarcastically, "Now can we wrap this up, please?"
"Well," Brock said, "That wraps up all the emails…"
"All of them?" Ash asked, "But that sac is still full!"
"Well," Brock explained, "To be honest half of these are advertisements from Viagara, and the most of the other ones are offers to refinance my house…. Oh except for this one, the president of Mahi Mahi wants to wire me 50 million dollars so I can keep it safe."
"Hmm.." Ash said, "Well anyway, this was fun, but lets all have some lunch."
"I feel like spam for some reason…" May said, "I don't know why."
IRIS OUT ON MAY'S GRIN AND WINK AS EVERYONE ROLLS THEIR EYES…
THE END
"Well," Ash said, "That one's done."
"And we managed to do it without moving much at all." May pointed out.
"Now THAT'S what I call a good summer episode." Brock replied.
"Ain't that the truth?" Misty agreed.
"So was this a good episode or not?" May asked.
"Well…" Ash said, "During this time of year, the episodes can be pretty hit or miss but I think this one is good."
"Why this time of year?" May asked.
"Well," Ash explained, "Quite frankly, when it comes to quickies in July… Summer good, and Summer not."
"Oh god…" May and Misty said, and walked out.
Ash looked at Brock and asked, "Something I said?"
"Meh," Brock said, "I liked it."
Ok, another quickie is done and we are one away from 30. Sorry this one took so long, I really thought I would have this one done sooner. I hope everyone is enjoying the summer, whether you're working or just relaxing. Thank you for taking time to read it, and I hope you were nice and cool wherever you read this. Personally, I would recommend you take a break from the summer heat, grab and ice cold lemonade, sit at the computer and write a review. Ok seriously, thanks for reading, I hope you laughed. See you soon! I hope to have one more up before I head off on vacation! See you all soon!