Explanation/Disclaimer: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Quickie 32: How The Other Half Lives

Announcer: "Tonight we join our heroes spending a quiet night at home. Doesn't look like there's going to be much excitement going on here. In fact, you might want to log off right now and go check out the new reality program staring Mike Tyson as a babysitter. I know I'll be tuning in at 9 for that sh… hey wait a second… I wonder where Brock is heading off to?"

"Hey Brock," Ash called over to him, "It's 10 at night, where are you heading out to?"

Brock who had one hand on the door looked nervous for a second then said, "Oh um… we're out of milk, so I figured I'd help your mom out by getting a jug for her. Um… bye!"

And with that Brock quickly slipped out the door. "That's odd," May said, "I just poured myself a glass of milk and the jug is more then half filled."

"Even stranger then that," Max said thoughtfully, "Brock talked about Ash's mom and jugs in the same sentence and didn't say anything perverted about that."

Ash punched Max in the back of the head. "OWWW!" Max cried, "What was that for?"

"I am so sick of my mom's hot jokes." Ash replied annoyed.

"I'm shocked that he didn't say anything about trying to get milk from Ash's Mom, instead of for her." May replied.

"OW!" Max cried out again as Ash struck him again, "What was that for? May's the one that said it!"

Ash shrugged, "Its more fun to hit you…" Ash explained.

"OW!" Max cried, as Misty struck him. Then she said, "He's right you know."

"You know, you may think your being funny but you don't know what kind of psychological damage you're doing to me every time you hit me… you know studies have shown that secondary cartoon characters that are the butt of jokes are 34 more likely to… OW!" Max quickly stopped as Misty kicked him in the shin, "That's it I'm leaving!" And Max stormed upstairs limping slightly.

"That was a lil harsh wasn't it Misty?" May asked.

"Not really, I was actually aiming a bit higher…" Misty explained.

"Anyway," Ash said quickly changing the subject, "This is the third time this week that Brock has snuck out late at night, do you two have any idea where he's going?"

"Not a clue." May said.

"Can't say I really gave it much thought." Misty replied.

"Hmmm…" Ash said, "I'm going to go find out… Noctowl, come on out!"

After Ash released his owl pokemon, he said to it, "Ok Noctowl, I want you to lead me to Brock, I'm really curious to see where he goes at night."

"Ash," Misty said, "Don't go out stalking again… remember what happened last time you tried to stalk someone?"

"Yeah yeah," Ash said dismissively, "Mary Jane Parker was kidnapped and horribly tortured and killed causing Spiderman to go insane and kill the President of NBC…" Ash shrugged, "SSDD."

Misty rolled her eyes, "Alright, just try not to avoid anyone getting murdered, ok?"

"Awwwww… fine… I'll try." Ash said pouting.

"That's all we ask." May said.

And with that, Ash and his Noctowl were out the door. After a beat, May looked at Misty and said, "So… since the guys aren't here, want to watch the new DVD I got, "Peter Pantsless?"

"Yeah sure, why not?" Misty answered with a grin.

FOURTY FIVE MINUTES LATER…

"Ah ha," Ash said looking down the street, "So THAT'S where Brock has gone off too, I can't believe that Brock snuck clear across town! Of course we would have gotten here SOONER if SOMEONE didn't have to stop and make a pass at Hedgewidge." Ash scolded his bird.

Noctowl hooted sadly.

"Ah," Ash said, "Don't worry about it, thanks for the help, go see if you can get yourself some feathered magical tail, you've earned it."

Noctowl hooted happily and flapped off into the distance. Ash meanwhile turned to face the dark foreboding building.

Foreboding, but oddly festive, due to the dark but lively music coming from it, and a big neon sign that read "Diaobolique"

"Diabolique?" Ash said aloud, "Isn't that the famous ritzy nightclub for villains? What would Brock be doing in a place like this?"

Ash walked up to the front door and was immediately stopped by a large man in a tux. "Sorry kid, no entry for minors."

Ash craned his neck to see inside and happened to see Brock walking past wearing a tight spandex suit, complete in black with red stripes down the arms. "Hey, Brock! BROCK!" Ash called into him.

Brock quickly flushed, raced to the door. The heavy at the door asked Brock, "Mr. Punch, do you know this guy?"

Brock stammered and said, "Um, yea Mr. O'Hirn."

"Why did he call you Brock" the bouncer asked suspiciously.

"Umm…" Brock said thinking fast, "That's my… uh… nickname, cause I'm such a good gambler… I brock the bank in Monte' Carlo.

"Oh… oh…ok" the bouncer said scratching his neck

"So please let Mr. Ashcroft in… we have much business that we have to discuss." Brock said.

"Ok…" The bouncer said stepping to the right.

Ash walked past the giant man and walked along side Brock and after they were out of earshot range Ash gushed, "Ashcroft? That's the best you could come up with?"

"Ash? What are you doing here?" Brock interrupted, "Do you know how dangerous it is to be here?"

"Me?" Ash asked loudly, "What do you mean me? I followed you? And why are you dressed like that Brock?"

Brock put his finger up to his lips and shushed Ash. Then shot his head up and grinned wildly and nervously at the squat man in a tall top hat and monocle. "Lovely evening, isn't it Mr. Cobblepot?" Brock said politely and bowed.

"Meh… I prefer it a colder." the man said gruffly and waddled off squawking to himself.

"Please, don't call me Brock here!" Brock said nervously, "If they find out that we're not villains… things could get ugly."

Ash paled, "What would happen?"

"Well they'd probably blacklist us!" Brock said.

"That's it?" Ash asked surprised.

"Well… after they killed us that is." Brock replied.

"Oh…, but still not as strict as the rules at Curves." Ash said, then folded his arms and muttered, "Stupid no selling Baskin Robbins rule…"

"Focus Ash… I mean Ashcroft." Brock said annoyed.

"Who?" Ash said confused, then slowly realized, "Oh oh… I gotcha… so what are you doing here? This is a hangout for villains… did you get corrupted by the powers of the dark side?"

Brock rolled his eyes and said, "No nothing like that…"

"How did you even get in here?" Ash asked.

"Well, strange story… about a week ago when I went to the store, the place got held up by this guy dressed all in question marks… the freaking weirdo. He said if I could answer his riddle he wouldn't kill the clerk… something about poodles and ice cubes… I wasn't really paying attention. So, instead of answering the riddle I just had Onix tackle him. But the guy dropped something. A pass for this club. Well you know, curiosity killed the cat…

"Here's hope that saying isn't prophetic." Ash muttered.

Brock continued, "…so I came here dressed in this costume. I just wanted to see how the other half lives. And as you can see, not too bad."

"True, this place is pretty high end…" Ash had to admit, "But it's a bit dangerous to come here, don't you think?"

Brock nodded, "yeah, and I wouldn't have come back… but… there's this girl I'm trying to pick up here…"

"Figures" Ash said sighing, "Brock, there's no woman here that would be good for you… they're all villains here. They'll probably steal your heart… literally."

"Oh, but you have to see her!" Brock said swooning, "She's amazing!"

"Who is she?" Ash asked.

"Come here," Brock said walking over to a large door leading to a barroom, "Do you see the woman dressed in Green and Black over there? Her name is Sheego, and she's a spitfire and a half!"

Ash looked at the pretty black haired villain and whistled softly, "Man… I wouldn't mind blasting her off again!"

"See what I mean?" Brock said, "She's worth the attempt."

"Well… I guess…" Ash said, "But I still don't feel safe about you hanging out here by yourself. I'm going to stick around and make sure nothing happens to you."

Brock rolled his eyes, "Oh yeah… thanks Ash," Brock said sarcastically, "If my cover is blown, I wont worry about being sliced to pieces by Vega, or blasted into pieces by Gannon, because you'll be here to help."

Ash stared at Brock for a second then said, "You know… words can hurt too…"

"Look… its just too dangerous for you to stay around here," Brock said, "You really need to get out of here."

Ash shot a look at the doorway where the bodyguard was still standing like a sentinel. "I'd love to go," Ash said, "But I'm sure the freak with the Barry Bonds body would be suspicious why our business meeting ended so quickly."

Brock thought about it for a second and sighed, "Alright, you can stay, we'll both leave in about an hour, ok? Just PLEASE try not to cause trouble…"

"I promise" Ash said putting up his hand in a swear, "I will be on my best behavior… but… this is a villain nightclub… is my best behavior suppose to be bad behavior?

"Just try to keep a low profile." Brock pleaded.

"I'll be like Pee Wee Herman in a porno theater." Ash said giving Brock the thumbs up, "But hey, before I go… why did he call you Mr. Punch?"

"Because that's the name I came up with… I'm the villain know as Donkey Punch!" Brock explained.

"Donkey Punch?" Ash asked incredulously, "That's classy."

Brock shrugged, "It what I happen to be thinking about at the time when they asked me my name."

"Well… whatever… I'm sure you'll get real far with your that girl your trying to woo with a name like that." Ash said, "I'll go catch you later Mr. Cleveland Steamer."

"Donkey Punch!" Brock hissed.

"Whatever," Ash said waving his hand dismissively, "I'm going to go check out the lounge. Good luck with your lady friend."

Brock sighed, "Alright, fine… thanks…" then after Ash was out of view, he turned his head to look in the direction of Sheego, "Alright… now's my chance… Donkey Punch is going to be donkey punching tonight!"

And with that he strode into the room and towards the green villain.

SCENE CHANGE TO ASH…

While Brock was in the social lounge, Ash was checking out the lounge. "Man…" Ash thought to himself checking out the incredibly luxurious lounge, "I am definitely going to reconsider my career as a good guy."

Ash glanced over a table with three evil doers sitting waiting for their drinks to come. Just as Ash passed the waitress, a young blond by the name of Gidget came to the table. "Alright" she said, "We have a Mr. Pib for Mr. Freeze."

As the young lady put down the drink, Mr. Freeze picked up a spoon, stuck it into this glass then froze his beverage solid. In one good twist he pulled out his frozen soda and started licking it. "Mm… thanks." he said to the waitress.

"We have a bottled water for Mr. Hunter Hearst Helmsley." Gidget said putting down the pro wrestlers drink. HHH opened the bottle, took a deep swig, tilted back his head and squirted the water into a big cloud of mist in the air.

Gidget stared at him for a second and said, "Sir… we've asked you to stop doing that…"

Then she turned and faced the last man, but from the way he was sitting, we can't see his face, only one metallic hand. "And for Dr. Claw, we have a Tom Collins."

In a deep voice, the villain replied, "But I asked for a Black Russian."

"Oh!" Gidget said embarrassed, "Do you want me to exchange it?"

Dr. Claw thought about it for a minute then said, "Nah… but bring me the right drink… NEXT TIME GIDGET… NEXT TIME!" And pounded his fist on the table, knocking his cat off the table.

The fourth villain at the table, Catwoman, clucked her tongue disapprovingly at him, "If you're not nicer to pussies you'll never find a Mrs. Claw."

Dr. Claw harrumphed and said, "There was a Mrs. Claws once… but unfortunately she was woo'ed by my goodie goodie brother and they went moved way up north."

Gidget handed the last drink on her tray to Catwoman, "And here you go, a catnip cooler for you."

"Purrrrrrrfect." Catwoman purred, "Oh and here's your tip: Mistletoe and be deadly if you eat it."

Gidget stared at her for a second then walked away muttered, "That line sucked in the movie and it still sucks now."

Ash sat down in a big purple chair watching that scene unravel and then thought to himself, "I wonder how Brock's doing right now… he's never been one for tact… like that time we were at that travel agency."

SCENE CHANGE TO A TRAVEL AGENCY…

Brock stands there with Ash and Misty reading a brochure. "Are you kidding?" Brock exclaimed, "It's 50 bucks to get into Sesame Place now? For that kind of money Prairie Dawn had better come over to me and give me a blow job!"

"BROCK!" Misty admonished, "I cant believe you said that!"

"Yeah," Ash agreed, "Prairie Dawn is just a puppet made of felt."

"Then it'll be a hand job!" Brock said annoyed, "Either or for that kind of money… the sign in the front does say 'come again' you know…"

Misty looked at Ash and said, "Please?"

Ash thought for a second and said, "Ok… you can use your mallet just keep it above the belt."

"Aw…" Misty said disappointedly, but raised her large mallet anyway…

END OF FLASH BACK…

"Ah well," Ash said, "I'm sure Brock is doing fine… I wonder if they'd serve me in a place like this?"

But before Ash could even find out the answer, a familiar voice yelled over to him, "Ash? Is that you?"

Ash turned his head and to his surprise found Todd, the Pokemon Photographer, standing before him. "Hey Todd!" Ash said standing up, "Long time no see, what's up?"

"Same old really, what are you of all people doing in a place like this?" Todd asked sitting down., "Have you gone to the dark side?"

Ash sat down across from Todd and said, "Nah, Brock's only here looking for the wrong kind of woman. But what about you? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, well… photographing pokemon costs money," Todd explained, "So I picked up a small part time job working for Dr. Doom."

"Really?" Ash asked surprised.

"Yeah," Todd said, "I was the one that snuck in and took pictures of the King Tut exhibit over in Ovaltine City, gave the Dr. all he needed to know to steal the sacred ash."

"You had a hand in that?" Ash said, "I read about that in the paper… impressive. What's Dr. Doom going to do with that stuff?"

"Oh, I'm rather low level, he doesn't tell me that sort of thing, but if I were you I'd stay out of Cleveland for the next few weeks."

"Heh, like you have to tell me to stay out of Cleveland." Ash scoffed.

"Anyway, the work's not that honest but at least I'm good at it. Dr. Doom was so impressed with my work he rewarded me with a pass to this club.." Todd explained, "So the fringe benefits are nice… plus I get full medical and dental."

"Dental?" Ash replied, "I don't even get dental… does the doc need a new hand?"

"Nah." Todd said, "All filled up, but if your interested, I hear Skeletor might be hiring."

"Meh…" Ash said, "I'll pass… I hear that he doesn't even have a casual Friday. So where is your boss right now?"

"Oh, he's in the V.I.P. room… that's where the major players hang out, Lex Luthor, Dr. Doom, Penguin, Giovanni, Gannon, M. Bison, and a few others" Todd explained.

"Wow, I'd love to see that room," Ash said.

"Oh its something to see all right." Todd said, "I was up there once because I had to bring some documents to the Dr.. It's something to see… the floor is solid gold, they have an all you eat ice cream Sunday bar, they have the gun that actually killed JFK on display up there, the wall paper is made out of paintings stolen from every museum world wide, and even the Holy Grail."

"Whoa…" Ash said quietly in awe, "They have a make your own Sunday bar up there? Man I gotta get in on that… I'm starved."

"Well if your hungry," Todd said getting up, "there's a food court just near the CVR."

"CVR?" Ash asked.

"Crappy Villains Room." Todd explained, "A place for the likes of The Abomination, Captain Cold, Dr. Light, Black Manta, Gargamel, Giganta, and others who the rest of us wouldn't want to be seen with."

"Oh… well let's go get some grub before Brock tries to get me out of here."

SCENE CHANGE TO BROCK IN THE BARROOM…

Brock was getting himself fired up to put the moves on Sheego. "Ok Brock…" he said to himself, "No worries about it, you've hit on longer shots then this before. Like that one time…"

FLASH BACK TO BROCK IN A CHURCH…

The priest raises his hands up and says, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

And with that Nurse Joy and Dr. Thomas kissed happily. Then as they turned around to face their friends and loved ones, we see Brock sitting in the front row holding up a sign that says, "Call me 555-5844" and he winks that bride.

END OF FLASHBACK…

"Then there was that REALLY long shot…" Brock thought out loud.

FLASHBACK TO A CEMETARY…

Brock stood along side the recently dug up grave of Marilyn Monroe, leaning on her open coffin. Brock raised up a bouquet of flowers, "Look, there are some that say that I'm too young… and there's too many differences between us, but I think we might be able to make it work…"

All of a sudden, Rifiki from the Lion King, walks up behind Brock looked at the scene and sighed, "There's ALWAYS a line here." he moaned.

"Wow… a 'Going to School' reference." Brock said, "Wicked."

END OF FLASHBACK…

"Alright," Brock said, "I can do this…"

And with that, Brock took a deep breath and walked up to the villain. "Excuse me, m'lady." Brock said, "But you are the loveliest creature I've ever laid my eyes on. My name is Donkey Punch…wan to see the special power that made me choose that for my name?"

"WHAT?" Sheego raged, her fists lighting on fire.

Brock looked at Sheego's flaming fists and said, "Uh oh…, looks like your PMS'ing… hey cool… it'll be like Christmas colors!"

Sheego narrowed her eyes and growled; the flames growing brighter.

"Oh no…" Brock said, "Don't tell me you're a fish eater…"

Sheego literally burst into bright green flame.

SCENE CHANGE BACK TO ASH…

"Man!" Ash said rubbing his stomach, "I had no idea that Smurf stew was so good!"

"Next time you're here you'll have to try the roast care bear." Todd said.

"Eh…" Ash said, "I've got a place for that already. Tenderheart over rice is fantastic. Hey!" Ash said craning his neck quickly, "Was that Aquaman?"

Todd looked and confirmed it, "Yep, that's him."

"What's HE doing here?" Ash asked.

"Oh…" Todd said, "Well the Justice League kept this pretty hush hush, but he did some rather nasty things to a drugged Ariel."

"Oh…" Ash said wide eyed, "Well… this was fun, but I guess I better go find Brock."

"Ah, don't worry about him Ash." Todd said, "I'm sure he would have found you if he was ready to go. Why don't we…"

But before Todd could finish Brock came hauling ass into the room and grabbed Ash by the arm, "Come on Ash, we gotta go!"

As Ash ran to keep his arm from getting torn off he asked, "Wait, what's the hurry?"

"GET BACK HERE!" Sheego screamed, "Your ass is mine!"

Brock yelled back to her, "But I already offered you it and you got even more annoyed!"

"AUGHHHH!" Sheego screamed and threw fire bolts at the fleeing teens.

"I think we'll be ok," Brock said racing through the front door, "If we can just avoid her bolts for just a few more minutes, then we can…"

But Brock didn't get to finish what he said. Sheego nailed both Ash and Brock dead to rights with a powerful blast sending them off into the horizon.

"Wow, I'm blasting off for the first time!" Ash said, "Cool…"

SCENE CHANGE TO THE FRONT OF ASH'S HOUSE…

"wwwwwooooooooooahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" CRASH!

Brock and Ash landed in a heap right near the front door. "Ow… damnit," Ash said, "This is another fine mess you've gotten me into."

"Look," Brock said, "How was I suppose to know that she was a lesbian?"

Ash groaned and got up and brushed himself off, "Damn that hurt…" he complained.

"Yeah," Brock agreed, "How the hell does Team Rocket manage it day in and day out?"

"Good health plans." Ash said rubbing his side.

"Huh?" Brock asked.

"Never mind," Ash said, "It was a joke that fell flat anyway."

Brock and Ash walked through the door and to their surprise found Misty and May sleeping on top of one another. The DVD was just going off, the last line being said by a buxom young woman, "Oh Peter Pantless, now I know I CAN fly!"

Ash looked at that the credits then back at the girls on the couch and stared at them for a second and said, "Man, I wish I knew the story behind THAT!"

Brock coughed, "Yeah so does everyone else."

"Meh," Ash said, "Let them sleep, we can tease them in the morning."

IRIS OUT ON THE TWO GIRLS LAYING ON THE COUCH…

THE END

"Yay," Ash said, "We finally got this one done."

"I kinda wish I stuck around to find out what went on around here." Brock said grinning.

"Oh stop!" Misty said, "You ad-libbed the line, you were suppose to say something about the quality of Disney porn, and that's why we were asleep… instead you mad it sound like we slept together!"

"Well," Ash said shrugging, "Just giving the fan boys what they want."

"Yeah," Jesse said walking up to them, "What are you complaining about?"

Meowth hopped up on her shoulder and agreed, "At least you was in dis episode, we was left out, again!"

"And this was an episode about villains!" James added, "Why couldn't we be in an episode about villains?"

"Well…" Brock said shrugging, "It's because you guys suck as villains…"

"Now come on," Ash said, "There's still some smurf stew left over."

"That wasn't a prop?" Misty asked.

"Nah, I like realism." Ash explained.

Misty shrugged, "Can't be worse then eating at "jack in the box"."

The REAL End

Well, finally got this one up… sorry it took so long, but there was some writers block. Hope everyone likes it. Just so everyone knows, no Smurfs were harmed in the making of this episode…, but the entire snorks population in New Jersey was completely wiped out. Thanks again for reading, and for those who asked, everything is still going very well healthy wise. Tune in for the next one coming sooner then later. (Oh, and don't forget to review!)