Explanation/Disclaimer: We do what Nintendon't
Quickie #33: Drain Bamage
Announcer: "Today we join our heroes in a hospital waiting room. Uh Oh, I wonder what's the matter… and where's Ash? I hope everything is ok… … if the little twerp bites it, I'm going to try and usurp his spot. Bwa ha ha ha ha…"
Misty paced around the waiting room and moaned, "How long are we going to have to wait before we hear about Ash's condition?"
Max fixed his glasses and looked over at Misty, "I'm sure everything is ok Misty, when they take this long it's usually nothing, doctors are very busy. Of course sometimes it takes that long because of complications. Like I was watching this documentary the other day and this guy went in for the simplest thing and… OWW!"
May stopped Max dead in his verbal tracks with a punch to the back of the head and quickly chimed in, "Misty, we're all worried but he's going to be fine."
"Oh easy for you to say!" Misty said, "It's not YOUR fault that Ash is here."
Brock quickly hopped up and put an arm around Misty just as her eye's started to mist over. "Oh calm down Misty, it's not your fault… you've hit him with your mallet dozens of times… and never hurt him before…"
"It wasn't really the mallet shot that hurt Ash" Max reminded, "It was she hit him at the top of the stairs and Ash fell down them landing on his head. A pretty reckless move if you ask me… OWW!"
May had punched the back of her little brother's head again. Max yelled, "Would you quit that, you want to make me brain dead like Ash is going to be?"
Misty moaned loudly, and May yelled back, "MAX! Ash isn't going to be brain dead, he's just knocked out, that's all!"
Brock quickly intervened, "Alright that's enough you two, this IS a hospital after all. Besides," Brock continued with a grin, "This is Ash's we're talking about, with that thick skull of his I'm sure he'll wake up in no time."
May smiled at Misty and said, "So stop beating yourself up… why don't you sit here and watch a little TV, I'm sure Ash will be out shortly."
"Ok…" Misty sniffed, "I'll try."
Brock walked over to the TV set and turned it on.
TV: "and the murderer is… YOU! You pushed your best friend down the stairs and then tried to pass it off as an accident, didn't you?"
Brock quickly changed the channel.
TV: "What kind of friend are you? Don't you know how badly you hurt him? Don't you have any feelings"
"Aww damnit!" Brock cursed and changed the channel again.
TV: "This is CNN."
"Whew," Brock said relaxing.
TV: "Today in the stock market the big news is Amalgamated Silicon Hardware was bought out by the big cable channel Micro International Super Toy Yoyos causing the stocks to drop by record numbers. You might say that M.I.S.T.Y. really caused A.S.H. to crash down hard. M.I.S.T.Y. basically put A.S.H. in it's grave…"
Brock growled and shook the set violently.
"Young man!" a stern voice yelled from the doorway.
Brock turned around and saw the nurse giving him an admonishing look. "Uh… it's not what it looks like." Brock said blushing and turning off the set.
"Well, anyway" the nurse said, "I'd like you all to meet Dr. Silverman."
All the kids bowed to the Dr. and he did the same back. "So please doctor," Misty asked nervously, "How is Ash?"
"You will be happy to know that young Mr. Ketchum is awake and is doing fine."
"Whew," Misty said. "Oh thank god." Brock sighed. "That's a relief" May said. "Drat…" Max muttered.
"I'm afraid there's a but…" the Dr. said grimly.
"Oh no…" Misty said her face falling.
"What's the matter doctor?" Brock asked gravely
"Well… the blow to his head seems to have knocked a screw loose…" The doctor started to explain.
"A screw loose… is that a technical term?" Max asked.
The Doc looked at May and asked, "May I?"
May nodded and the doctor punched Max in the back of the head. "May I continue?" The doctor asked, "Well, because of the trauma we have discovered that right now Ash thinks that he's a character from the anime, InuYasha… Shippo if I'm not mistaking."
Ash ran out and yelled "FOXFIRE! Damnit, why isn't this working?"
Everyone stared at Ash with their mouths wide open. "Umm… doctor…" May asked, "Isn't there anything you can do?"
"Truthfully, we really didn't try anything." The doctor admitted.
"What?" Misty asked, "What were you doing all this time then?"
"I'm going to turn into a statue, just like Super Mario!" Ash yelled out, then put a leaf on his head and stood perfectly still.
The doctor chucked and said, "We had in under observation.."
"To see if there was any improvement?" Brock asked.
"No, because he's really funny to watch!" The doctor said with a chuckle.
"You never signed your Hippocratic oath, did you?" Brock said annoyed.
"Come on, you don't see anything funny about this?" The doctor chuckled.
"See if there's anything funny about this!" Misty yelled swinging her mallet. But unfortunately the doc had ducked just in time and she wound up hitting Ash in the head with it.
"ASH!" Misty cried out dropping the mallet and going to her fallen friend, "Are you ok?"
Ash looked up at Misty's eyes blankly. The doctor knelt down next to his patient and shone a light in Ash's eyes. "Son, can you hear me?"
Ash blinked twice and said, "yes…"
"Son, do you know where you are?"
Ash: "I'm in the hospital."
Doc: "Do you know who I am?"
Ash: "You're my doctor…"
Doc: "Do you know who you are?"
Ash looked at the doctor and his face got very grim. "I'm batman." Ash said darkly.
Everyone crashed over with sweat drops on their heads. The doc stood up and brushed himself off, "Well… he's fine."
"WHAT?" Everyone yelled out. Everyone but Ash, he was too busy making a cowl from an adult diaper.
"Let me explain please…" Doctor Silverman said putting his hands up, "It's my diagnosis that your friend changes his personalities whenever he gets hit in the head. I'd just give him some time and he'll remember who he really is before you know it."
"So, is that all your going to do? Just tell us to go home and wait?" Brock asked.
"What do you want from me?" Silverman replied, "Do you have any idea how busy I am? I have a guy in the other room who's actually shrinking!"
Brock blinked and then said, "Well… just tell him to be a little patient and take care of my friend!"
OUTSIDE OF THE HOSPITAL…
Everyone looked annoyed at Brock. Brock shrugged and said, "Well how I was suppose to know that this hospital has a strict no punning protocol here?"
"That's HMOs for you." Max said sighing.
"Well, its ok," May said, "we'll just keep an eye on him and like the doctor said he'll be back to his old self in no time."
"Um… where is Ash?" Brock asked.
"Up there." Max pointed upward to a tree limb.
"I am the night!" Ash cried out and leaped off the branch, seemed to hover in midair for a moment, then came crashing to the ground with a sickening thud.
"ASH!" Misty and May cried out and ran to him, "Are you ok?"
"Who's Ash?" Ash asked, "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm going to be king of the pirates."
"Wow…," Misty muttered, "So there ARE shows with stupider premises then ours."
Brock sighed, "Right there is One Piece of work…"
MEANWHILE…
Little did our heroes know that they were being watched. Jessie chucked, "heehaehe, what a perfect opportunity!"
"What do you mean Jessie?" James asked.
"Don't you see?" Jessie asked, "The twerp is hurt… this is our chance!"
"To finally get to be part of an episode?" Meowth asked.
"NO!" Jessie snapped, "This is the perfect opportunity to capture Pikachu!"
"Is Pikachu even in these quickies anymore?" James whispered to Meowth.
"I don't know, that little yellow bastard seems to show up less then we do…" Meowth replied.
"Look," Jessie said, "I'm sure that Pikachu is around here somewhere. Look, there he is coming around the side of the building."
James looked and sure enough, the little mouse pokemon was walking from behind a blind spot from behind the building. "Wow…" James said, "Talk about a convenient plot hole."
"I don't care what kind of hole it was," Jessie says, "This is the PERFECT opportunity to steal that Pikachu!"
"I dunno…" James said, "Seems kind of cruel to steal a pokemon from an injured trainer."
Jessie growled in frustration, "James, we're BAD guys! We have to do low down sneaky stuff or they'll pull our union card… remember what happened to Skeletor when he got kicked out of the union?"
James shook his head no.
"He became Man at Arm's love slave, do you want that to happen to you? Because rumor is, he's NOT a gentle lover." Jessie snapped.
James whimpered, "No…"
"Alright then," Jessie said, "Lets go get that Pikachu!"
SCENE CHANGE BACK TO OUR HEROES…
"Look," Ash, who now thinks he's Luffy, "just tell me where my hat is so I can get back to my ship. My crew will be waiting for me!"
And with that Ash limped around the yard apparently looking for his hat.
"Why's he walking like that?" Max asked.
"Well," Brock explained, "One Piece really took one up the tailpipe by Fox. Believe me, if you got violated the way the way that show did, you'd be walking with a limp too."
"Look, as much fun as it would be to talk about the changes made to some obscure anime show, I think right now Ash is a bigger concern.", Misty said.
"Yea," May said, "If we don't keep an eye on him he could get into some real trouble."
: "Funny you should mention trouble, cause we're right on time."
: "Yes, and make it double because that twerp is out of his mind."
Max glared at May and said, "What did we say about using the 'D word'?"
May sweatdropped, "Sorry, I forgot." She said rubbing her head embarrassed.
While Team Rocket was doing their usual spiel, Brock just shook his head. "This is even worse then that spam email that May sent me."
SCENE CHANGE TO BROCK AT HIS COMPUTER…
"Hmm… email from May," Brock said reading the subject line: "OMG, I can't believe this is true!"
Brock double clicked on the email to reveal:
"Hello,
Jesus loves you, but a little girl has gone missing and she is very sick, and if you forward this to 10 people a funny animation will happen which shows how you can win a free trip to Disney World where you can get a free computer. If you don't send this email out to 10 people yahoo will start charging you 5 cents for every IM message you send and a horrible tragedy will happen to the person you love and will like you if you send this to 2 people, love you if you send it to 4, and will marry you if you send it to 10 or more. But you have to send it within 30 seconds and then your phone will ring with good news from Dave Mathews who will donate a dime to the sick little missing girl for every person who sends this email."
Brock scratched his chin and said, "Well this is a very well thought out email that I should probably pay close… DELETED!" (With respect and apologies to the Chapman Brothers)
SCENE CHANGE BACK TO THE MAIN STORY…
Meowth: "That's right. Now we're going to take that Pikachu before the twerp gets back to normal."
"Team Rock…:" Brock started to say, then quickly changed it to, "Pirates?"
Sure enough Team Rocket were dressed like Pirates.
"Alright," May said, "What's with the getups?
"Well, since the twerp thinks he's a pirate, we thought we'd play along." James said, "Well, that and I often wear puffy shirts and feathered hats on Wednesday night."
Jessie and Meowth just started at him until Misty snapped, "You know, It's pretty scummy to attack someone who's obviously injured."
"Oh," Jessie said, "We've done MUCH worse then this…"
SCENE CHANGE TO THE VILLIANOUS TRIO INSIDE A KMART…
The trio stood around in the bedroom area, all looking around trying not to look conspicuous. Suddenly, Jessie yelled, "Alright… NOW!"
With that, James quickly ripped off the tag on the nearest mattress and all three ran out the store cackling evilly.
SCENE CHANGE BACK TO THE MAIN STORY…
"The night the line was crossed." Meowth said solemnly.
James shuddered, "It still eats at my soul… I still have nightmares to this day."
"Never mind all that!" Jessie snapped! Seviper… use tackle!"
The giant snake pokemon… (you always expect to hear a phallic joke here, don't you?) …leaped out of its ball… (See?) …and leaped head first straight at Pikachu who leaped up into Ash's arm.
"Don't worry, I'll protect you!" Ash said and stretched his arm back, "Gum Gum Gummi Bear, bouncing here and there and everywhere, gum punch!"
And Ash threw out his arm, fully expecting it to stretch out as Luffy's would… unfortunately for him it did no such thing. Ash stared at his arm in disbelief, "Is there kryptonite around here or something?" he muttered for a second.
He only had a second to mutter it before Seviper smashed head first into Ash, causing him to drop Pikachu and crash head first into the tree behind him.
"Alright Mr. Pirate," Jessie said happily, "Are you ready to hand over Pikachu?"
"Pirates?" Ash said shaking his head, "Where's a pirate?"
"What?" James said confused, "Aren't you a pirate?"
"WHAT?" Ash said leaping to his feet and into the crane position, "I am a shaolinwarrior, Omi!"
"Omi?" May asked.
"Oh my…" Max muttered.
"HEY!" Meowth snapped, "Puns are what WE do!"
"Wait… you're a monk now?" Jessie asked confused.
"What?" Ash/Omi asked, "Are you crazy? Do I have to hit you downside the head?"
"Upside." Brock corrected.
"Whatever." Ash said waving his hand.
"Alright… fine…" Jessie said, "Sighing, we'll play along…"
And with that Jessie James and Meowth walked off screen then came back dressed like ninjas.
Ash shot out his hand and said, "I take it that you guys want to fight, then let's bring this off!"
"On." Brock corrected.
"Same thing." Ash said waving his hand, then tried to do a spin kick and landed on his back.
Everyone rolled their eyes, but Ash quickly got back to his feet, "Alright then, its apparent that I will have to use the mystical objects known as shen gong woo!"
"Alright… whatever…" Jessie said, "Seviper, use poison tail."
Seviper leaped forward and crashed his tail straight down at Ash, who managed to roll out of the way. "Ah ha!" Ash said looking at Seviper, "There's serpents tail, the shen gong woo that will let me run through solid objects."
Ash grabbed Seviper by the tail and ran as fast as he could at the brick wall surrounding the hospital grounds.
Seviper screamed in fear just before Ash yelled, "SERPENTS TAIL!" and leap straight at the bring wall. Both Ash and Seviper smashed headlong in the wall, and bounced back landing on their backs. Everyone watching went "ooooo." and turned their heads.
"Alright…" May said, "This CANT be good for Ash."
"Well…" Brock said, "No worse then that time that he watched that buddy cop film starting Shaq and Andy Dick."
"Oh yea," May said shaking her head, "Ash really thought that Fran Drescher made a great love interest in the story."
Meanwhile, Ash slowly got up to his feet, clutching his head with a very glazed look in his eye, "Aw… man, that hurt."
"Well… the twerp look so out of it now, taking Pikachu should be a cinch!" Meowth said.
"Yeah," Jessie said, "But my seviper looks a little out of it as well."
Ash looked over at Team Rocket with very blurred vision and exclaimed, "Those guys are Nebula agents! Come on Megaman, we have to jack in!"
With that, Ash grabbed Seviper's tail again, who just whimpered in fear and Ash stumbled over to Pikachu.
Ash grabbed Pikachu by the tail, lifted it up and yelled, "JACK IN, MEGAMAN…."
"What's he doing?" James, Jessie and Meowth all asked at once.
"Ash! NO!" Misty and May yelled.
"…POWER UP!" Ash cried out and then proceeded to jam Seviper's tail into the only opening he could find behind Pikachu.
Again, everyone winced, and Pikachu screamed, "PIKA!"
And in an explosion of light and electricity , Team Rocket was blasted off into the horizon, and Ash was blasted backwards landing on the ground unconsciously.
INSIDE THE HOSPITAL AN HOUR LATER…
Ash slowly awoke in his bed. "Ow… where am I?" Ash said.
"Ash?" Misty asked.
"Yes?"
"Hurray!" they all cheered, "He's himself again."
"What are you guys talking about?" Ash asked.
"Lets just say…" Brock said with a grin, "That you weren't quite yourself today."
…
…
…
"We going to end it on that lame tired old joke?" Max asked.
"Well, it's either that or we're going to end it with May punching you in the head." Misty explained.
Max gave a quick thumbs up, "Great line to go out on Brock…"
"Yea yea, too late." May said punching him in the back of the head.
"Owww!" Max cried out.
Brock chuckled, "You just never learn, do you, Max?"
"Max? You got the wrong guy mister, my name's Conan… Conan Edogowa." Max explained.
"Oh no… not again." Misty moaned.
"Well, you know…" Ash said, "This is actually an improvement for him… so I say… case closed!"
IRIS OUT ON MAX'S CONFUSED FACE…
THE END
"Well," Brock said, "That was an interesting one."
"Yep," Ash said, "That had just about everything you'd want in an episodes… bad puns, anime references, and Pikachu getting sodomized. Hey where is Pikachu anyway?"
"He's with an icepack right now," Misty said, "You know he's a real professional, taking one for the team like that."
"That was suppose to be me taking one for the team like that," James whined.
"Um… but you wouldn't have exploded…" Max said, "If we did that to you."
"Oh… I dunno about that." James said with a sly grin.
"Alright… I'm out of here." Ash quickly said leaving, and quickly so did everyone leaving James there with a confused look on his face, "What? Was it something I said?"
THE REAL END
Ok, sorry this one took so long to do, but I had so many ideas floating around in my head I couldn't decide what to do with them… So I threw them all out and wrote this thing instead. I hope that was a joke…
Anyway, I just noticed that I have about 440 reviews. You guys rock. But I wouldn't say no to as few more… cough magic number 500 cough
But seriously, thanks as always for reading, and sorry for such the long wait, I will try to have the next one out in a lot speedier fashion, I just hope you laughed a bit. Until next time… just remember what one cow said to the other as they headed off to the slaughterhouse… 'until next we meat!' (I heard that somewhere and I can't remember where…)