Explanation/Disclaimer: There's more of gravey then of grave in you!

Quickie 36: Christmas Special part 2

5 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

DING DONG

Ash opened his front door and was greeted with a surprise.

"Hi Ash!" Misty said, her cheeks red from the cold.

"Hi Misty!" Ash said happily, "Come on in, what are you doing here?"

"What?" Misty said surprised, "Didn't your mom give you the message? I called yesterday and I asked if I could stay here for the holidays, it turns out my sisters won a trip to Disneyworld, and couldn't "afford" to bring me along."

"Well in fairness, you've ripped off the Little Mermaid more then once in your career." Ash said, "They might just wait for you to step foot into Disney World to spring a trap of 20 lawyers on you. And what would THAT cost your sisters to get you out of the jail underneath the amusement park?"

"Heh," Misty replied, "Probably nothing, they probably would have forgotten about me and just went home without me."

"So you see?" Ash said, "All the more reason why its better for you to come here for Christmas."

"Why thank you, but I'm still surprised that your mom didn't tell you I was coming over." Misty said scratching her head confused.

"Oh…" Ash said sighing, "I don't think there's much confusion over that… Mom's been a bit… spacey… lately…"

"Oh!" Misty said concerned, "Is something wrong?"

"No… honestly… she's just kinda dumb." Ash said sighing.

"What?" Misty scolded, "That's a terrible thing to say!"

Before Ash could reply, in came Ash's Mom, who took one look at Misty and gasped. "Misty! How could you come into our house without wearing a yamaka? That's VERY offensive, and I expected better of you."

With that, Mrs. Ketchum put a Santa's hat on Misty's head and said, "There we go… I suppose since your not Jewish you just didn't know… so I'll let it go this time… but don't let me catch you again without it."

And with that, Ash's mom bustled out of the room. Misty looked at Ash wided eyed in confusion and then said, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because," Ash replied, "I hate to be considered 'terrible'… besides, there was so much wrong with what she said I didn't know where to begin to correct it. So I just go with the flow."

"How do you manage to do that so well?"

"Eggnog." Ash replied.

"You've been getting drunk?" Misty gasped.

"No, its non-alcoholic eggnog, but Brock makes it so good that it just makes you forget all your woes."

"Guess I'm going to have to go get a glass…" Misty said looking up at her new hat.

"Well Misty, I have to say, I'm REALLY glad you're here… I got something important to ask you." Ash said.

"Really? What is it?" Misty asked blushing a little.

"What the hell is a sugar plum? I asked Brock and he didn't seem to know." Ash replied.

"Oh…" Misty said, her face falling a bit, but then showing signs of confusion, "You know… I really don't know, I've heard about it before, but I've never actually seen what one really is… you know, I think it has something to do with fairies or something."

"Really?" Ash said excitedly, "Then I know just what to do!"

TEN MINUTES LATER…

Tracey looked at Ash confused, "I really don't know anything about Sugar Plums… but why did you come to ask me about them?"

"Misty told me to." Ash explained.

"Really?" Tracey said confused, "Well I'm afraid I have no idea what sugar plum is… my guess is that it like a marzipan shaped into a plum or something…"

"I guess that could make sense…" Ash said scratching his chin.

"So why did Misty tell you to ask me?" Tracey asked.

"Well, she didn't really… she just kinda implied it." Ash explained, "Well, I have to go…"

"Wait, don't you want to see the holiday sketches I made…?" Tracey asked disappointed holding up a sketch pad.

"Ummm…" Ash said searching for an excuse while backing away, "I'd love to… but I really do have to… go… do… something…" and then took off running.

Tracey sighed, "Well, at least I have you… Socko". And with that he pulled out a sock and put it on his hand, "You'll be my friend, right?"

Then Tracey said out of the corner of his mouth to mimic the sock's voice, "No… go to hell, I told you to leave me alone."

Tracey sighed sadly and took off the sock and put it back away in his pocket.

4 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

Ash and Misty sat on the couch that night while Brock was busy whipping up Christmas Puddings. "Cool," Misty said, "Hand me the remote, I want to set Rudolph to record, so we can watch it."

"Oh, come on," Ash said, "We don't want to watch Rudolph do we?"

"What?" Misty said, "You don't want to watch it?"

"Well, I really don't care for it, that's all." Ash replied.

"What?" Misty said surprised, "EVERYONE likes Rudolph!"

"But it sends such a horrible moral, doesn't it?" Ash said.

"Oh come on," Misty said rolling her eyes, "You're not going to tell me that its all too commercial are you? It's no worse then the show we put on every Saturday morning."

"No…" Ash said, "It's not that… I just think it gave kids a bad message."

"You're crazy." Misty said, "It's a charming story about a reindeer that was born different and turned that into a strength to save Christmas."

"Are you watching the same cartoon I am?" Ash asked surprised, "Because if you really watch Rudolph you'll see the true moral."

"Which is?" Misty asked tentatively.

"The moral to Rudolph is that its ok to shun people who are different from you, unless of course, they can do something useful, then its ok to exploit them."

"Oh my god!" Misty replied, "That's horrible!"

"I know!" Ash said, continuing, "Think about it, did the Coach stop the other reindeer from teasing Rudolph? No. What did Santa do? Nothing, until it was that foggy night, and he found a use for the little freak, then it was all sunshine and roses wasn't it? Good thing it was foggy that night or else I think venison would have been on the menu that Christmas Eve."

"You can't be serious." Misty moaned.

"And what about his little freak friend?" Ash asked, "He had it just as bad."

"How so?" Misty asked.

"Think about it… do you really think the elves would have treated the little elf so badly just because he wanted to be a dentist? No… I think not… there was definitely something more going on there. But what? Well, obviously he was born disfigured, and they held it against him his whole life!"

"What?" Misty asked flabbergasted at this whole conversation.

"Think, Misty, THINK!" Ash said, "They were so callous that they even branded him by naming him after his abnormality."

"What?" Misty said, then realizing, "Oh Ash! You don't mean…"

"Well, his name was Hermie, wasn't it?" Ash said raising an eyebrow, "Is it any wonder they didn't want his hands in their mouth?"

Misty sighed, "Alright, fine! No Rudolph, is Frosty ok with you?"

Ash made a small coughing noise.

"What now?" Misty sighed, "What could possibly be your problem with Frosty?"

"Nothing… nothing…" Ash muttered, "I'm just saying, that if a big snowman came to life and started leading children to their doom in the frigid wasteland that's the North Pole, its time to turn your hair dryer on it, before it tries to kill again… that's all. But once again, Santa just chuckles at his close friends wrong doings and helps him out. I swear, Santa Claus is like the Kennedy's."

"Well then…" Misty said annoyed, "What if I put on How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

"The cartoon or movie?" Ash asked.

"Oh god, the cartoon, the movie was one of the signs of the apocalypse." Misty responded.

"You know, something always bothered me about that, remember when the Grinch was stealing everything?" Ash asked.

"Yea…" Misty answered slowly.

"Well, they said that the Grinch took everything, even the last can of "Hoo Hash."

"So?" Misty said.

"Well… if Corn Beef Hash is made with Corned Beef… and Ham Hash is made with ham… does that mean that the Hoo's that eat Hoo Hash are cannibals?"

Misty shook her head, "Alright, I give up…what IS a good Christmas movie?" Misty asked.

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." Ash answered, "No other movie expresses the true joy and meaning of Christmas."

Misty just covered her face with her hands, she was about to say something when Brock came in, and looked at the TV. "Hey Misty," Brock said, "Rudolph started 2 minutes ago, why aren't you watching it."

Misty again opened her mouth to speak, but Ash spoke up first and said, "Hey, I've been telling her to do that for like 10 minutes now…"

Moments later Misty had left the room and the bowl of popcorn was turned upside down on Ash's head.

"You really don't have any interest in tidings of comfort and joy, do you Ash?" Brock asked leaning on the edge of the couch.

"Nah, they're way over rated." Ash replied picking a piece of popcorn out of his hair and popping it into his mouth.

3 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

Ring

Ring

click "Hello?" A young lady's voice said into the phone.

"May?" Ash asked.

"Hey yea!" May said happily, "Ash?"

"Yep." Ash replied.

"Hey, what's up?" May asked.

"Well, I had to call and see how you and Max were doing for the holidays!" Ash said.

"Oh everything is fine here." May answered, "We got home about a week and a half ago, how about you?"

"About a week ago," Ash replied, "Misty and Brock split up and went their own separate ways, but I ran into Gary on the way home and we finished the last day's trek together."

"So how are Misty and Brock doing?" May asked.

"Good, they're actually over right now." Ash said and then explained the situation, then went on, "So, you know… I'm actually calling because of something really important…"

May got very serious, "Yes, Ash?" she said quietly.

Ash paused a moment then said, "Do you know what sugar plums are, because the rest of us are just baffled?"

May sweat dropped and fell over, upon getting up again, she said, "Sorry Ash, I've no idea what sugar plums are… I always thought of them as a type of plum… you know, like a Blood Orange, or a Golden Delicious Apple."

"Then why would they be so popular at Christmas time?" Ash asked.

May shrugged even though Ash couldn't see him, "Maybe they just bloom this time of year?"

"Maybe." Ash replied, "So… anyway, what are you guys up to?"

"Typical stuff.." May said, "Mom made Christmas cookies, Dad is trying to teach his Vigeroth to sing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful."

"How's that going?" Ash asked curiously.

"Not good… all the Vigeroth can do is growl loudly, so it really just sounds like rhythm-less noise… well at least it still sounds better then Jessica Simpson Christmas CD…"

"Oh, no doubt, I'm sure." Ash said.

"So, besides that, I just have a bit of Christmas shopping left to do, and some wrapping, and Max is, of course, preoccupied with setting up traps around the chimney again."

"I'm sorry, what?" Ash interrupted.

"What, what?" May asked confused.

"What was that about Max setting up traps?" Ash asked.

"Oh, that," May said, "He does this every year since we joined you on the quest. He wont tell us what this is all about… wait a second… Ash… did you say something to him?"

Ash flushed a little, but May couldn't see it over the phone, "I…" Ash started slowly, "I… may have…"

"Oh Ash… what did you say?" May asked tapping her foot.

"Well… I might have pointed out how a lot of the little kids out there in TV Land's wish might be for Santa to come down Max's chimney and snuff him out for good, so he wont be adding anymore suck to our TV show…"

May sighed.

Ash continued, "I didn't think he'd take it seriously."

"Well…, that explains that," May said, "It doesn't explain why he bought himself a chastity belt."
Ash coughed.

"What?" May demanded.

"Well…" Ash started slowly again, "I might have said something about how Santa would want to…" then Ash quickly spoke, "Sodomizehimwithagiantcandycanebeforefinishinghimoffcompletely."

"WHAT?" May exclaimed.

"We were just goofing with the little tyke." Ash said cheerfully, "Who would have thought he'd take it so seriously?"

"You're gonna get nothing for Christmas," May scolded.

"Cause I ain't been nuttin but bad… right?" Ash quipped, "Alright fine… put him on, I'll set him straight, ok?"

"Thank you." May said.

MINUTES LATER

May picked the phone back up, "What the hell did you say to him? Max ran bawling from the room and is now in his closet curled up in a ball!" she yelled into the phone.

"I'm guessing telling Max that Santa isn't real wasn't the best move to make, huh?" Ash said sheepishly.

"Remind me to beat you when we meet back up next week, ok?" May said.

"Will do, that'll be my Christmas gift to you." Ash said.

"And I'll be sure to get you an ice pack as a gift for you." May quipped back.

"Well, anyway, you go tend to you traumatized bro, I'll talk to you later," Ash said.

"Merry Christmas." May said.

"Merry Christmas." Ash said back, but he could have sworn he heard Max bellow that there will be no Christmas ever again somewhere off in the distance as he hung up.

Ash put down the phone and turned and was face to face with his mother, holding an Mkeka.

"What do you think Ash?" She said proudly, "Think I'm ready to celebrate Hanukah now?"

Ash stared at her in disbelief for a moment and said, "Mom… two things. One… once again, we do not celebrate Hanukah. We're not Jewish. We celebrate Christmas."

"Then why did I buy all that Gefilte Fish?" Ash's mom asked confused.

"That wasn't Gefilte fish, mom…" Ash calmly explained, "That was bumblebee Tuna… remember? Brock is making a tuna casserole tonight. Secondly… even if we were Jewish, you're holding a Mkeka…that's a mat they used in Kwanzaa… not Hanukah. Actually, now that I look at that… it's not even a real Mkeka… its just the bamboo wrapper you use to make Sushi."

"I like Sushi." Ash mom said smiling at him, then walked away.

Ash sighed, "Just a few more days, then I'm back on the road, and I can be the one that doesn't make any sense again…"

2 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

The fire crackled slowly while everyone was decorating the tree. Ash picked up a small glass decoration and put it on a nearby branch, and said to Brock, "You know… I think I'm getting the hang of this…"

Misty raised an eyebrow, and Pikachu tensed up.

Brock took a glass sphere out of the box and hung it up next to Ash's and said, "Yes, you do certainly seem like your on the ball."

Misty and Pikachu gave each other a look and then quietly left the room, Misty poked her head back in and said, "Just let me know when your done, ok?"

"Will do." Ash said waving, then picked up a small wreath and said, "The secret is being calm… I do that by wreathing in and out slowly."

Brock flicked a light that went out, causing it to light back up, to which he added, "Bright… idea."

"With all the prayers and psalms, it really is a holly time of year, isn't it?" Ash said hanging up a green leaf.

"Snow other time like it." Brock said hanging up a crystal snowflake.

"Yea, even if you sound flaky saying it." Ash said hanging up the same.

"Even flakier would be to sing somewhere over the rainbow," Brock said hanging up some garland.

"Wire would you say that?" Ash said wrapping a thin piece of metal around a decoration to use a hook.

"Just be Clause." Brock said hanging up a Santa.

"Well…" Ash said, "I'm out of puns… think we should call it a truce so Misty and Pikachu can come back?"

"Sounds like the nice thing to do for Christmas." Brock agreed.

CHRISTMAS EVE…

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Pikachu lays curled up around a bottle of ketchup with a ribbon on it.


The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

We pan across to see Ash's fireplace, adorned with stockings. A big red one with Ash's name on it. A big blue one with Misty's name on it. A big green one with Brock's name on it, and women's pantyhose with the name "Tracey" sprawled across the one leg in Brock's handwriting.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

Ash sits up in bed flipping over a book of Christmas lore. "What the hell is a sugar plum?" Ash said getting annoyed.


And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

Ash tosses the book aside grumpily and looks over at Brock in the cot across from him. "Brock would be so pissed off if he found out he got labeled 'mama'." Ash said chuckling, "Too bad mom has a strict no Misty in the same room as me… at least THEN it would have made sense…"


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

"The pumpkin people from the Halloween Quickie!" Ash gasped, "They've finally come to reclaim what's theirs!"

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

Ash runs to the window, looks around for a moment then walks back to the bookcase and pulls out the dictionary. "Sash… sash… ah here we are.. Sash… noun… A band or ribbon worn about the waist as part of one's clothing or over the shoulder as a symbol of rank… well how the hell am I suppose to open one of those… last time we tired that, Brock was banned for like at the Miss America pageant."


The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

"Heh heh… the announcer said breast." Ash chuckled. Misty smacks Ash in the back of the head. "Ow… didn't know you were awake Misty." Ash said rubbing his head.

"How could I not be, did you hear that clatter?" Misty said.


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

Ash slowly reached for his poke balls, Misty quickly smacks his hand down. "Aw…" Ash moans disappointedly.


With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

"Hey guys," Brock said rubbing the sleep from his eyes and joining the two by the window, "Whatcha looking at?"

"Check this out, do you see what I see?" Ash said pointing to the flying sleigh.

"Yep… I'm afraid I do." said Brock, "I'd say that was probably Santa Claus, but Santa doesn't have long red hair, a blue haired elf, and a meowth with a red nose.

Misty sighed, "They couldn't even take off for the holidays, could they?"


More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

The elf doesn't quite let out a whistle, but more of an sissy, "Ooooooh!" noise.

Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!

Misty sighed, "On Happy, on Dopey, on Sneezy and Doc…" Ash and Brock chuckled appreciatively.

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!

"Alright," Ash said, "this is just embarrassing… Do they really think we'll fall for this?"

"This is even worse then the time that they dressed up like the Tooth Fairy." Brock agreed.

"You know, I'm starting to think all this is just an excuse for them to dress up in tights." Misty said. Brock and Ash nodded their heads in agreement.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

"I've never understood this verse." Ash said scratching the back of his head.

"I think it's suppose to make you think of leaves swirling up to the house." Misty explained.

"But wouldn't that make Santa dizzy, and, if you'll excuse the pun, hurl his cookies?"


So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

Ash walked back over to the bookcase. "Coursers… coursers… here we go… noun… A dog trained for coursing… you know, I think I need a new dictionary."

"Don't look at me, I got you a gift already." Brock said, "And I try not to do any shopping around 11:45pm on Christmas Eve."


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

"Well…" Ash said sighing, "Should we go to the living room and see where this farce takes us?"

"Might as well," Brock said shrugging.

"It's not like we get a choice." Misty said sullenly, and all three teens walked into the living room.


As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

Well… not so much as a bound… but more like a muffled thud. And not quite down the chimney… more like half the way down.
"Hey… James, move your arm!" Jessie complained.

"I can't, Meowth, get your foot out of my face." James yelled.

Meowth was heard struggling, and said, "I can't, my tail and leg is caught behind Jessie's head."

Some more loud struggling is heard, but to no avail. Then the teens listening by the fireplace heard Jessie say, "Um… I think we're stuck."

James made a whimpering noise and Meowth yelled down, "Hey… twerps… can you hear us? Help us!"

"You HAD to try to emulate Santa, didn't you?" Ash said up the chimney.

"We're sorry." all three Team Rocket members said at the same time, "Please help us!"

Ash sighed, "I SHOULD light a fire, you know that right?"

James made another whimpering noise.

"Alright guys…" Ash said looking around, "What should we do?"

Brock smiled a wicked grin, "You know… I might have an idea."

"Oh thank you!" James yelled down, "I hate tight spaces."

"Yeah," Misty yelled back up, "That's not what you say to your boyfriend!"

For a moment there's dead silence, and then Brock says in a shocked tone, "You kiss Ash with that mouth Misty?"

Both Ash and Misty shot Brock a very nasty look.

"All dis arguing isn't helping" Meowth yelled down, "If your gonna do something, do it already!"

"Alright alright," Brock said, then walked over to Pikachu and whispered something to it. Pikachu smiled evilly. Then Pikachu walked over to the fireplace and looked up it. Then it laid a finger aside of its nose, gave a nod, and then blasted a HUGE thunder attack straight up the chimney, blowing the three villains out of it like a shotgun and off into the distance.

But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

CHRISTMAS DAY

Ash, Brock, Misty, and Ash Mom sat Indian style around the Christmas tree opening gifts from one another and Santa. "Sorry everyone… it's Christmas…" Ash said waving, "No jokes for today."

"But we'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas." Brock said.

"And a Happy Hanukah" Misty continued.

Pikachu nodded and said, "Pika pika chu chu pikachu pika pi." Translation: "And happy any other holidays that we're not PC enough to mention."

Everyone waves, and says, "Happy Holidays from all of us, to you and yours."

Then just a moment before we can iris out on this merry and cheerful scene, Ash's Mom looks at the gift she just opened, then looks over and Brock and says unsurely, "Um… thank you… so… much… for this… wonder bra."

Brock happily says, "Try it on!"

Ash tackles Brock knocking tree over on top of Misty, who starts swearing loudly at both boys. Pikachu waves to the screen and says, "Pika, chu chu, Pikachu." Translation: "Peace on Earth… Good Will Towards Men…"

IRIS OUT ON PIKACHU'S WAVE…

THE REAL END

Well… I hope everyone enjoyed this two part Christmas quickie. Consider this my gift to all my loyal readers. (You guys have NO idea how long it took me to do this thing, so I really hope everyone liked it.)

And I hope everyone has a very happy healthy holiday season, and a joyous and healthy and prosperous New Year.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

And

HAPPY NEW YEARS!