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Pokemon Quickie #41: GLaDOS to meet you
Announcer: "We join our trio walking down a sunny road heading to their next destination conspicuously trying to act like there hasn't been a long absence between stories. Let's join their conversation already in progress."
"And so," Ash explained, "This woman walks into a grocery store and asks to buy thirty gallons of milk."
"Uh huh." Misty replied in that way one does to show that they are listening.
"Needless to say, the clerk thought this was a joke so he went to get the manager," Ash continued on, "The manager asked the woman what she needed and she once again said that she wanted to buy thirty gallons of milk. The manager asked her why she would need so much milk."
"Milk does a body good?" Brock suggested.
Ash ignored him and continued, "So the woman explains that she has a skin rash and her doctor suggested that she should take milk baths to help relieve it. 'Oh, that makes perfect sense' the manager replies and says, 'that should be no problem, we can even help you load your car ma'am. Do you need the milk pasteurized?'"
Ash let his tale hang for a moment while Misty and Brock looked at him and then finished, "Nah,' the woman said, 'up to my shoulders should be fine.'"
Brock and Misty shook their heads sighing, all the while with Ash laughing so hard at his own joke he was holding his stomach.
"I think that joke was enough to make me lactose intolerant." Brock moaned.
"I think I'm just pun-intolerant." Misty retorted.
"Yea, another bad joke like that and I might have to cream ya, Ash." Brock said grinning.
"Yea right, I'd udderly destroy you." Ash quickly snapped back.
"A Cow-ward like you, doubt it." Brock quipped back without hesitating.
"Enough!" Misty snapped.
"But Misty, how dairy say such things about me!" Ash said giving her an innocent look.
Misty groaned and said, "Do you really think our first episode in like forever should be nothing but stupid puns?"
"I thought they were rather clever puns." Ash said frowning.
"No… Such… Thing…" Misty said emphasizing each word scowling, "Besides, don't you think we should explain what's been going on for the past year?"
"Well," Ash said, "It's a strange tale of action, mystery and copyright infringement… it all began…"
FADE TO A FLASHBACK…
Ash groaned as he sat up from the metal bed he was laying on. "Where am I?" Ash asked out loud, looking around at the room he was in. He was in a glass room with metal floors and ceiling.
"Man…" Ash said rubbing his head muttering to himself, "I knew Hancock wasn't a good movie, but I didn't think it'd cause blackouts…. But then, I guess blacking out is better than watching the second half of that crapfest."
Then out loud Ash spoke, "Anyone there? Anyone want to tell me where I am?"
A calming computerized voice came over the loud speaker and said, "Welcome to Aperture Labs. You have been chosen to take part in a scientific experiment. There is nothing to worry about and you're safety is guaranteed. Did I mention that there's no need to worry about you're life being in danger? Because there is no reason to be worried."
Ash stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment then said happily, "I see nothing but good things coming from this."
"You will be testing the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device in order to assure the quality of this product." the computer voice explained as Ash's door opened leading him to a platform with an odd looking gun like device on it.
"Uh, just wondering but why did choose me to test this?" Ash asked.
The voice quickly responded back, "Who better to test the ASH PD?"
"Can't argue with that." Ash admitted, "However, I'm fairly non-violent and I can't really help you test a device that's clearly a gun. I mean, I'm a fairly well respected pokemon trainer, and kids look up to me, and I really can't just turn my back on my morals to help you test a device that will probably end up being used for war and violence. It's really just against everything I stand for."
After a moment of silence the voice offered, "At the end of the test there will be cake…"
"Let's roll." Ash quickly said interrupting the voice the gun already in his hand.
"Now in order for you to use this device safely I must warn you that under any circumstances you should never fire the gun when the radiation level of the defractor lens is more then 2 point…"
Ash interrupted the voice again saying, "Less crap, more zap." as be began fire the portal gun in every direction imaginable.
"AWESOME!" Ash said looking through one of the portals and seeing his own backside.
"Yes, the device is quite impressive." the computerized voice confirmed.
"Device?" Ash said confused, "No I was talking about my fine ass. Just look at that thing. You can't buns that nice at just any bakery."
The computer voice actually managed a realistic sound of disgust and continued, "Now that you have the feel for the ASHPD, we would like you to move to the next room so we can begin the next round of testing and… and… excuse me, but would you please stop feeling up your own behind, please?"
Ash, who indeed had his hands rubbing his own backside in front of him through linked portals stopped and muttered, "Prude."
"Now, if you do not mind proceeding to the first testing area then we should be able to being…
Ash interrupted the voice once again, "Computer… earl grey… hot."
There's an awkward pause and then the voice asked "…what?"
"Aren't you like the computer from star trek?" Ash asked.
"No." the voice responded.
"So… " Ash posed the question, "if I asked you to scan the surrounding area for Ferengi activity…?"
"I would be forced to call you a geek." was the answer Ash received.
"What if I asked you to scan the area for TIE Fighters?" Ash questioned
Voice: "I would be forced to remind you that you are confused Star Wars for Star Trek."
"Aw, I was going to have you scan the area for TIE fighters flown by Ed McMahon." Ash said sadly.
After a short pause where you can almost hear the computer calculations being made the voice finally answered back, "Are you actually confused Star Search with Star Wars while at the same time confusing that with Star Trek? I think this foolishness has gone on long enough. It is time for you to move to the first testing area where you will be acclimated to… to… …what are you doing now??"
Ash chuckled and said excitedly, "Wait… wait… check this out."
Ash, who had one portal formed on the floor and one directly above it on the feeling spit into the bottom hole and then watched with glee as he watched his loogy fall in a continuous free fall between the holes.
"We here at Aperture Labs would ask you to refrain from spitting on the testing floor." The voice said after a few moments of computing how to handle such a situation.
"Technically, it hasn't landed on the floor yet," Ash pointed out, then added, "Aperture Labs, huh? Too bad it's name was Rapture Labs… think of how happy I'd be then!"
After a few more moments of computing how to handle the situation the voice said, "We here at Aperture labs would ask you to refrain from making puns on the testing floor. Now, just beyond that doorway you'll find…"
However, before the voice could get too far, Ash interrupted again, "Hey, computer… do you have a name? It's starting to get annoying for the author to keep referring to you as 'the computer voice.', when everyone out there already knows what we're parodying and already knows your name."
Another pause for computing and then, "We here at Aperture Labs would ask you to refrain from breaking the fourth wall."
"Well… your name then?" Ash asked.
"You can call me GLaDOS." GLaDOS answered.
"Hey, if you released nice smelling vapors to keep the air fresh, would that make you GLaDEDOS?" Ash asked randomly.
You could almost here the circuits breaking for a moment there, then GLaDOS answered, "We here at Aperture Labs would remind you to refrain from making puns on the testing floor."
After a moment of a silence Ash asked, "So, why haven't we started these tests yet?"
GLaDOS almost sounded angry as it snapped, "We have been trying to get you to go into the first testing room you stupid hum….." The sounds of a record being scratched echoes through the air for a moment and GLaDOS's voice returns much calmer then a moment ago. "We here at Aperture Labs would appreciate it if the subject would enter the first room of testing."
"I'm a subject?" Ash asked, "Guess if I was a subject right now, I'd be science!"
"More like history." GLaDOS whispered quietly.
"Huh?" Ash said looking up.
"Uh… we here at Aperture Labs would remind you once more to refrain from making puns on the testing floor."
Ash finally enters into the first room and he sees a large red button on the floor near a closed door. On a platform 6 feet up in the air rests a large metal box.
"Your objective in this room is to open the door and move to the next room." GLaDOS explained.
"Piece of cake." Ash said looking around the room.
There's a moment of silence and GLaDOS questioned, "Was that a pun?"
"We here at Ash-apture Labs would prefer to refrain from explaining if what he says is a pun or not." Ash replied with a grin moving towards the door.
"Well," Ash said, "I think this one is fairly self explanatory" as he got to the door.
Ash stood in front of the closed steel sliding door, hands at his sides and said, "Computer… open door."
After only a moment GLaDOS replied, "We here at Aperture Labs would remind you again that you are confusing real life with Star Trek again."
"Oh…" Ash said, "Well then… how about…?"
Ash then started pushing on the door as hard as he can. Grunting and trying to dig his feet into the smooth stainless steel floor his feet kept slipping out from under him. After a minute of this Ash then decided to try to pry the door open, trying to fit his fingers in the paper thin crack where the two sides of the door meets.
Panting for breath Ash looked at the door again. Ash then took a few steps backwards, let out a loud war cry and sprinted at the door as hard as he could.
One Hour Later…
Ash sat up rubbing his head having just woken up from knocking himself unconscious. "Man, if I hurt myself this badly, just imagine what shape that door must be in now!" Ash said to himself.
"We here at Aperture Labs would like to remind our test subject that the doors are made out of 5 inches of reinforced stainless steel. Trying to use brute force would be a futile…"
Ash interrupted GLaDOS as he charged for the door again.
One More Hour Later…
Ash woke up to GLaDOS saying, "We would desperately please ask the subject to stop trying to break down the door with his or hers head. We feel that another concussion might be detrimental to the experiment at hand."
"Oh fine." Ash said frowning, "We'll do it your way."
Ash walked around the room finally coming to stop at the big red button. In his best Dee Dee impression Ash asked, "Ooooo what does THIS button do??"
Ash stepped down on the button and the door opened.
"SUCCESS!" Ash said happily, and took a step to the door, but the moment his foot went off the button the door shut again.
"Hmm…" Ash said surveying his situation stepping on the button again, the door opening again.
Ash stretched out reaching for the door, but coming about 2 feet short. "Hmm…." Ash said thinking, "I think I can do this."
"We here at Aperture Labs would beg the subject to not do whatever it is he or she is thinking of." GLaDOS said almost desperately.
"Don't worry… I got this." Ash said confidently. Ash bent at the knees priming himself while standing on the button and then deftly leapt as hard as he could off the button towards the door…
…getting his head stuck in between the closing doors.
Ash squirmed around his head painfully wedged between the closing doors, his hands slapping against the steal, his legs kicking around in a comical manner.
"Put… the candle…. BACK!" Ash said muffled.
GLaDOS calmly responded, "We here at Aperture Labs would remind our subject to not make obscure references to old movies that very few people will catch."
With a great deal of effort, Ash managed to yank his head free, rolling backwards about 2 feet, finally ending up on his back, blacking out, his hat still wedged between the tightly shut doors.
One More Hour Later…
Ash groaned waking up and getting up off the floor. "Man, if this was a video game, I'd be at Half Life by now." Ash muttered rubbing his aching head.
Ash looked up at the metal box sitting on the platform above his head. "Hmm… maybe if I put that box on the platform, it'd stay open and I could get through?"
The sounds of Hallelujah plays over the intercom.
Ash stretched as hard as he could, his fingertips just barely brushing the lower part of the box. The next step was leaping up as high as he could, trying to grab the box and drag it down, but that failed to work as well.
After about 15 minutes of this, GLaDOS snapped, "We would like to remind you to use the freaking gun we gave you to solve this puzzle!!"
"OH!" Ash said, "Duh… I got it now."
Ash then proceeds to take the ASHPD… and puts it down at his feet. He then stands on top of it reaching up trying to reach the box once again. The sounds of more circuits being blown seem to echo through the room.
With the extra height the gun gives him, Ash manages to pull the box off the shelf. Unfortunately, the box is heavier then Ash anticipated and crashes down on top of him.
And Yet, One More Hour Later…
Ash wakes up with the metal box laying on top of him. With some effort he manages to tilt it over and slip out from it. "Well," Ash said getting woozily to his feet, "I got it off the shelf… now I just have to… Grunts as he tries to lift it not managing to actually pick it up get it… Grunts again as he tries to lift it again from a different angle …over there…"
Breathing hard Ash leans against the metal box. Ash leans down and puts his shoulder into it and with a loud squeal of metal on metal manages to slowly push the block towards the red button.
After 20 minutes of exhaustive work he manages to get the block on top of the button and the door slides open.
Bruised, contused, bleeding and weary, Ash raises his arms and breathlessly goes, "Woohoo! I did it… I made it past level one!"
Still gasping for air Ash looks up and says, "Hey, GLaDOS…"
The sounds of snoring echoes as a response.
"HEY! WAKE UP!" Ash snapped.
"Oh…? Oh! I'm awake, I'm awake." GLaDOS said sleepily.
"I managed to solve the room, what was my time?" Ash asked.
"Four hours and thirty four minutes." GLaDOS answered dryly, even for her.
"Not bad, not bad, "Ash said proudly, "And what's a good time for this room?"
"Thirty four seconds." GLaDOS responded.
"Oh…." Ash said, "Um… what's a good time for a chimpanzee?"
"Two minutes, fifteen seconds." GLaDOS responded again.
"Um… what if the chimpanzee had mental problems?" Ash hesitantly asked.
"Six minutes."
Ash: "And if it was drinking?"
GLaDOS: " Twenty Minutes."
Ash: "What if the chimpanzee was dead?"
GLaDOS: "Then I would surmise it wouldn't finish the test at all."
"Yea… I kicked that dead monkey's ass." Ash said proudly, "Bring on the next challenge!"
"Well, actually, normally we'd have you go through 18 more tests, but considering that you're on the same level of a dead chimp, I think we're going to just end the experiment now…" GLaDOS surmised, "maybe bring in a Latino woman or something?"
"Hm, sounds like a plan to me… so do I just go and you send me my cake in the mail, or what?" Ash asked.
"Well actually, at the end of the test we were only going to kill you anyway, though at the rate you were going I don't see you making it through level 2 anyway, we're going to expedite things."
"Wait…? What?" Ash asked shocked, "You were going to kill me at the end of the tests? Does that mean… gasp! The cake… was a lie? ….hey… I finally get why everyone was saying that! NOW it makes sense!"
Announcer: "And so, GLaDOS tormented Ash as he raced through the Aperture Science Labs in an exciting game of cat and mouse that the author was too lazy to go into detail of. Finally Ash ends up outside the door of the room containing the computer who's programming has gone wrong… GLaDOS."
Ash races down the hallway carrying a cube with hearts on each of its sides, muttering to himself, "Which one of these doors is the GLaDOS's main circuitry room?"
Ash screeches to a halt as he notices the sign on one of the door reads, "GLaDOS's main circuitry room."
"Wow, that's convenient!" Ash said happily.
GLaDOS: "It's amazing that you have made it this far…"
Ash grinned and said, "You should never doubt a human's will to live."
"No, not that," GLaDOS responded, "how on earth did you manage to make it all the way here when you nearly killed yourself trying to get past the first test?"
Ash shrugged, "I just work better under pressure I guess."
"Well, you get no further human." GLaDOS taunted, "The only way that the door to this room opens is if you sacrifice your precious weighted companion cube by tossing it into the…"
Without hesitation Ash tossed the cube he was carrying around with him into the nearby fire chute and the door slides open.
"Um… that was your weighted companion cube… don't you feel any remorse or guilt at all?" GLaDOS asked shocked.
"I would explain what's wrong with this, but I think I'll let that Swedish guy over there explain it for me." Ash said pointing over to a man in a long coat.
Swedish Guy: "Many of you are feeling sorry for the companion cube… ..that is because you are crazy. It doesn't have feelings."
"Thank you." Ash said giving the thumbs up.
GLaDOS: "We here at Aperture labs would ask you to not make references to old commercials."
"Never!" Ash said racing through the door, "I'm going to get in there and I'm going to pull out every one of your circuit boards one at a time and shove them down your…. WOAH!"
Ash stop in mid step looking up at the massive tower that is the main brain of GLaDOS, not to mention the numerous rocket launchers fixed on him. "Uh… as I was saying, "Ash said, "Should we go back and do the second test room all friendly like?"
GLaDOS let out a creepy computerized laugh and said, "What did you really think you could accomplish with all this? Did you think you ever stood a chance against me? There is NOTHING you can do to stop me."
"Oh no?" Ash said bravely, "Well, it just so happens that I stopped at GameStop before I got kidnapped here… and that, my computerized passive aggressive pain in the ass, is going to be your downfall. Ah HA!" And Ash pulls a CD out of his jacket and slips into a nearby disc drive.
GLaDOS let out another synthesized laugh. "You have got to be kidding me. You think some CD is enough to bring down the most sophisticated computer in.. in… oh… ohhhh…. Ohhhhhhhh no."
Ash grinned as GLaDOS starts to flail around, starting to spark. "Oh… it hurts… it hurts… I'm losing my mind Dave… Daisy… Daisy… give me your answer tooooooooooo…. " And with that GLaDOS… shut off.
Ash let out a sigh of relief. "The most powerful computer in the world." Ash said thoughtfully pulling out the CD in the machine, "Still no match for playing Crysis on full specs." Ash tossed his Gamestop bag over his shoulder and walked off into the distance, his shadow stretching dramatically on the floor as he softly sings, "This was a triumph…"
Then after a moment he stops and says, "Where's the exit?"
END OF FLASHBACK
Ash finished his tale, "And so, it took me until the other day to find my way out of that cursed lab. The worst thing is… I can't shake the feeling that somewhere out there… GLaDOS is… dramatic pause …still alive."
Brock and Misty stared at Ash blankly for a moment then Brock said, "So basically the author has been playing video games for the past year?"
"Yea, well that and anime." Ash said shrugging.
THE END
"Good to do a new one!" Misty said then stuck out her tongue, "Even if once again Ash is the main focus of the episode."
"Yea, been much too long, and I just loveeeee how we picked such a topical topic." Brock said rolling his eyes, "At this rate I'm surprised there wasn't an "all your base" line in this episode."
"Hey," Ash said putting his hands up in defense, "Did you ever think that doing this episode so far removed from the debut of the source material was just our way of making sure that everyone who was going to play it had their chance before we spoiled anything?"
After a moment, they all burst out laughing, "Yea, right, lazy bastard." Ash said chuckling.
"My only question about all this…" Misty started.
"You only have one question about all this?" Brock and Ash asked together.
Misty ignored them and continued, "Well, if you stopped GLaDOS… how on earth did she get turned back on for Chell's adventure in the labs?"
Ash and Brock shrugged.
FLASHBACK…
Team Rocket skulks in the dark dusty computer room. "So, if the rumors are true, this computer has the database of the most powerful pokemon in the world!" Jessie said pointing to the turned off CPU.
"Jessie," James said, "Do you really think this is safe?"
Meowth scoffed, "James… I am absolutely confident that nothing bad will occur by us pushing this button right here."
CLICK
THE REAL END
Well, there we go. A brand new one up and ready for reading. Hope I didn't spoil portal for anyone, but come on, the game's nearly a year old, but its been an internet meme for nearly as long! Since I am such a fan of the game, I figured I should do something for its one year anniversary. Plus, I do plan on doing my yearly Halloween episode, so I had to get back in practice a bit. At any rate, thank you so much for reading, I really hope it got a smile and a laugh from you. If you enjoyed it, please rate and review. Take care!