Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to review, it really means a lot :) I'm sorry this story is going to have a lot of political views coming through, I don't mean to offend anyone by voicing them, so please read with caution, or just skip those bits :P Most importantly though, ENJOY!
"Yes, Mr Deeks." Although Hetty had her back turned to the person currently approaching her desk, she knew who it was immediately. She could hear the trepidation in his footsteps as he built up the courage to talk to her. Hetty knew that he would have questions, it was only a matter of time.
"Hetty look... Is this really a good idea putting Kensi in this situation?" Deeks asked taking a seat in the chair opposite Hetty as she poured him a cup of tea.
"Ah, yes... The age old question..." Hetty placed a cup in front of Deeks, deviating slightly to inform him that it was "a new batch." Hetty knew that he really didn't give a crap about the tea right now so she continued. "If I had a dollar for every time I had asked myself that same exact question Mr Deeks, I would be retired on a private island right now." Hetty sighed, sitting down in front of the detective.
Deeks gave her a weak smile, waiting for her to continue.
"I do not know the answer to that question, I can only hope for the best." Hetty offered, sipping from her cup of tea. She knew that her answer wouldn't bring him any solace. She couldn't exactly lie to him and tell him that it was a good decision, he wouldn't buy a bullshit answer when it came to Kensi. So she decided to be upfront with him.
"What am I supposed to do? I mean, what do I say to her when she checks in?" Deeks asked meekly. He leaned forward in the chair, clearly looking for guidance from the older woman. The scene was similar to when he had asked Hetty about her decision to let Kensi talk to Astrid. He was hoping for some insider information.
"Just be her partner, make sure that she knows that you are there for her." Hetty stated.
"Right..." Deeks was really looking for more than that.
"Kensi tends to shut down when her emotions threaten to guide her, don't press her to talk about this case Mr Deeks, let her open up to you." Hetty offered her take on the situation, committing herself to giving him some practical advice. She knew that he would seriously consider it, if there was one thing that she could count on it was Deeks listening to her advice. She watched as he contemplated the words she had just spoken.
Hetty interrupted his thoughts not wanting him to start overthinking things. "You should get onto running that surveillance Mr Deeks."
"Okay, thanks Hetty." Deeks smiled at the older woman.
Deeks sat outside Jack's apartment, running surveillance on Kensi. Deeks couldn't believe that she had kept the case from him. Sure, he had kept Monica from her but this, this was totally different. She used to be engaged to the guy, this was personal. This brought a whole new level of emotional attachment to the case. He couldn't help but wonder what was going through Kensi's mind, if she still had feelings for Jack, what this case was doing to her.
*Flashback - Two and a half months ago*
Deeks lay in the hospital bed desperately watching as the minutes painstakingly ticked slowly by. The space in-between visiting hours had become his worst enemy. He was going insane being stuck in a hospital bed, barely able to move.
He smiled as Kensi walked through the door half an hour later bringing the usual gifts with her, a coffee made to his exact order and a chocolate muffin. It cheered him up every morning, the company and the food.
"Hey, how are you feeling this morning?" Kensi asked placing the goods on the tray in front of him as he tried to sit up in the bed. It was awkward for him to adjust his position with the multiple injuries he had sustained at the hands of Sidorov. "Here let me help you." Kensi said reaching behind him to adjust the pillows into a more comfortable position.
Once he got settled Deeks began to speak. "You know it never fails to surprise me..." Kensi looked at him with confusion, a slight frown on her face wondering what he was on about. "You being caring like this." Deeks joked.
Kensi stepped back, glaring at him "Hah, you must be feeling better...funny guy." She fought back the urge to punch him. 'He's injured, he's injured' Kensi repeated to herself.
"Yeah I only feel like I got hit by a bus today..." Deeks sarcastically replied.
"It's better than the freight train last week." Kensi countered, watching as he sipped from the coffee she had brought him. "Oh god that's good" He moaned as the caffeine entered his body, immediately taking effect.
"You better hide that if a nurse comes in, I got in trouble for bringing you that last time." Kensi smiled, watching him savour the taste as he sipped eagerly from it again. "Really? Which one? It was Sandy wasn't it." Deeks smirked.
"Yes! She was really bitchy too!" Kensi replied, remembering her run-in with the older woman a few days ago.
"God, that's hilarious." Deeks found it particularly amusing. Sandy always fussed over him like he were her own son, he could totally picture her telling Kensi off.
"No it's not, I felt like I was back at high school, like I'd bought contraband to school or something!" Kensi replied, checking out the window to see if Sandy was lurking outside.
Deeks laughed. "Ohhhh bad girl."
Kensi was about to reply but she spotted Sandy outside the room from the corner of her eye. "Oh god!" Kensi quickly grabbed the cup of coffee from Deeks, who gave her a questioning look. "What the hell?" The expression was written all over his face but the confusion quickly subsided once he saw Sandy walk inside the room.
"Marty, how are you this morning?" Sandy asked smiling at Deeks who gave her a cheesy grin "fantastic."
Sandy looked over at Kensi giving her a less than friendly greeting as she walked over to them. "Kensi, that coffee better be for you." Sandy said skeptically. "Of course!" Kensi lied, taking a sip from the cup, pretending to enjoy it. Deeks bit back a laugh as he watched their interaction. He knew that Kensi hated his coffee which made watching her try to enjoy drinking it all the more enjoyable.
"I just need to check your blood pressure and take some bloods, I won't be too long." Sandy smiled as she wrapped the apparatus around Deeks' arm.
"B...blood test?" Deeks questioned, suddenly turning pale.
"Yes, I'm sorry I know you don't like needles, but I promise I'll be very gentle." Sandy said trying to reassure him. She gently rubbed a comforting hand over his shoulder, watching as he closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the pillow.
"Come on Deeks, it's not that bad..." Kensi sighed watching his reaction.
"I'm sure your partner wouldn't mind holding your hand if it helps?" Sandy suggested innocently. She had seen how they interacted over the two weeks she had been caring for Deeks. She knew that there was a strong bond between the two of them yet seemingly a reluctance to take things further.
Kensi watched Deeks' reaction closely as he opened his eyes and looked at her. The sad expression on his face coupled with those damn puppy dog eyes just about killed her. "Fine, I'll hold your hand..." Kensi muttered, trying to sound frustrated and reluctant yet she quickly walked around to be at his side.
"Okay great, your blood pressure has calmed down a bit now, I shouldn't have told you about the blood test before I did that." Sandy laughed, unwrapping Deeks' arm.
Kensi could hear Deeks inhale a sharp breath of air as he felt Sandy dab his arm with cotton wool and whatever it was she sterilized his arm with. Kensi gently squeezed his hand, letting him know that she was there for him. However irrational she might think his phobia was it was a genuine fear for Deeks and she had to respect that. She watched as he turned his head towards her with his eyes squeezed closed anticipating what was to come.
"Honey, you have to relax for me." Sandy said running a comforting hand up his arm, trying to stop him from tensing it up so much.
"Stop thinking about it." Kensi said, placing her other hand on top of Deeks', gently rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand.
"Try thinking about... I don't know, um Monty? You know that furry mutt of yours? He licked me ten times this morning!" Kensi complained, trying to take his mind off what was happening. She watched as Deeks smiled, he was grateful to know that his beloved canine was being well looked after.
"There, all done." Sandy smiled, packing up all of the equipment.
"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Kensi asked, releasing Deeks' hand and stepping back.
"It was terrible, I can't even move my arm it hurts so much..." Deeks moaned, looking down at the plaster, he suddenly felt queasy.
"You big baby..." Kensi teased, walking over to the chair and taking a seat.
"Don't let your coffee get cold." Sandy said, about to leave the room.
"Oh I won't" Kensi said cheerily, taking another sip and smiling at the older woman as she left the room. Kensi's expression immediately changed to disgust as the door closed. "God Deeks, you have terrible taste, that coffee is disgusting" Kensi said slamming the cup down on the tray. She had to take a bite out of the muffin to get the taste out of her mouth.
"Really? You drink my coffee and now you eat my muffin?" Deeks feined sadness.
"Hey you're lucky I bring you anything!" Kensi replied.
"Yeah, I'm surprised Sandy hasn't banned you from visiting me yet." Deeks smiled as he reached for the cup of coffee again only for Kensi to move it away from his grasp. "What are you doing?" Deeks whined.
"Maybe coffee isn't such a good idea..." Kensi replied, re-thinking her generosity given Sandy's reaction to her earlier. He wasn't supposed to be drinking it afterall.
"What? No, come on!" Deeks was desperate. "Kens, I need coffee in the morning or else I don't function, please!"
"I know but..."
"No, no buts, come on, I can barely move, please allow me to have at least one good thing while I'm stuck here." Deeks pleaded.
"Hey, you've already got me here, that's a good thing right?" Kensi joked.
Deeks knew what she was trying to do, distraction techniques, 'not gonna work' he said to himself. "It's not enough, I need the coffee!"
"No."
"Come on, Fern!"
"No, don't call me that, you know it pisses me off."
"I do, Fern."
"See, why would you do that? Why would you piss me off when you want something from me? I just don't understand that"
"Come on!"
"No, eat your muffin."
"You suck! You know that? You're a terrible partner..."
"Oh my gosh don't do that, don't mope."
"I'm not moping."
"Yes you are."
"I'm not moping, okay... maybe a little bit... but I have a good reason to mope..." Deeks sighed, his entire face dropping with sadness.
"Ahhh... okay fine, one more sip, but that's it, okay?" Kensi finally caved in immediately seeing his face light up with happiness.
"Okay, okay, one sip." Deeks agreed. Kensi slid the cup over to him. She watched as he drank the entire thing. The coffee was at a perfect temperature, how could he could he resist?
"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you just did that!" Kensi growled as Deeks just smirked at her. "You are so lucky I can't punch you right now..." Kensi glared at him.
"Why did you think I did it?" Deeks smirked impressed with his efforts.
Kensi just shook her head, returning to her seat, she refused to look at him.
"Oh come on Fern, don't mope." Deeks was pushing his luck and he knew it.
After several minutes of silent treatment despite his best efforts to coax a response out of her, Deeks was desperate.
"Kens, I'm sorry, come here, please." Deeks pleaded, reaching his arm over the bedrail to her. The movement made Kensi finally glance over at him. She looked down at his hand first and then back up to his face. She looked into his sad blue eyes and could see the heartfelt expression of apology in them, she knew that she couldn't hold out any longer.
"What do you want Deeks?" Kensi replied with a mix of anger and sadness.
"Your hand, please" Deeks asked, slightly reaching out for her even more despite the pain, he winced slightly as he overstretched himself.
"You idiot, lean back." Kensi scolded him, quickly rushing to his side, taking hold of his hand and placing her other hand on his head, slightly applying pressure to make him sit back properly. "Ahhh" Deeks shut his eyes as pain rushed down his side, he slightly cursed himself for being such an idiot. But it had got her attention, she was by his side.
"Are you okay? Do you need more pain relief?" Kensi asked, looking around the bed for the button to press.
"No, no I'm good." Deeks lied, knowing that it made him feel woozy and want to go to sleep, the last thing he wanted, especially since she was there.
"No, you're not." Kensi replied, a worried look on her face. "Where does it hurt?" She asked, looking over his heavily bruised body it seemed like a silly question, everywhere.
"Just down the side, kind of reached too far." Deeks inhaled sharply, his broken ribs were giving him hell.
"I knew it!" Kensi sighed "you're an idiot you know that..." Kensi muttered, "I'll be right back," she sighed leaving the room in search of an ice pack. She returned a minute later with one in hand.
"No not the ice, it's... Ahhhhh!" Deeks hissed as the cold ice was pressed into his ribs. Despite having a bandage between himself and his skin, the cold still penetrated quickly. "Oh stop you big baby." Kensi teased, holding it there despite his protests.
"It's cold!" Deeks complained, squirming slightly.
"Stop moving, you'll hurt yourself again, then I'll need more ice packs." Kensi warned him, he immediately stilled his actions.
"You know, you'd make a terrible nurse." Deeks moaned as he tried to readjust his position in the bed again.
"Yeah well, you're a terrible patient." Kensi shot back. "God just sit still!"
"I can't!" Deeks yelled, he had been stuck in hopsital for far too long for his liking. The frustration was finally starting to come out.
"Look, I know it sucks, I know you can't sit still, I know you'd rather be surfing right now but you're stuck here until you get better and if you don't stop moving then you're going to be here for months." Kensi replied, trying to make him see sense.
"God, don't say that." Deeks sighed, dropping his head back into the pillow, the idea was downright terrifying to him. Yet he stopped moving, so she obviously got through to him.
"Sorry, it's true though..." Kensi sighed, flipping the ice pack over. He was still for several minutes, she was starting to wonder if he had gone to sleep. She removed the ice pack from his ribs, gently pulling the sheet up to cover his body, not wanting him to be cold. She leaned down to kiss his forehead, softly pressing her lips to his head. She gasped slightly as he grabbed her arm, stopping her from fully pulling away. "I thought you were asleep!" Kensi was a littled thrown off. "You told me not to move, I thought I'd better listen to you or else you'd shoot me." Deeks joked. "Yeah well I do have my gun..." Kensi laughed. There were only inches separating them as they stared into each other's eyes. Kensi was slowly leaning down to kiss him when the door opened. Kensi jerked back immediately, retreating several steps..
"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to check how your ribs are Mr Deeks." A young nurse asked, walking over to him.
"They're fine, thanks." Deeks replied, focusing his attention on Kensi who was standing away from him gathering her bag in her hand.
"Okay good, I'll see you in a little bit." The nurse replied, sensing that she had just intruded on something.
"Look I'm going to go, you need your rest." Kensi said, walking towards the door.
"Kens wait..."
"Bye Deeks."
Deeks sighed watching her walk away.
*End flashback*
Deeks began snapping pictures of the men and women entering inside Jack's house sending them to Eric to run through facial recognition. He watched as Kensi pulled up outside the house, talking to one of the men as she walked inside. She looked tired.
Eric had sent Kensi a text telling her to meet at a remote location after she was done at Jack's. She knew immediately who she would be meeting up with.
"Hey babe, did you get those supplies?" Jack asked, kissing her on the cheek as she walked inside the house.
"Yeah." Kensi smiled handing Jack the bag containing the refreshments for the meeting.
"Thank you so much, come in, we're just about to start." Jack rushed to get everything ready for the meeting he was heading.
"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming today, I present to you our next project: ending drone strikes" Jack announced proudly, displaying a street map for their next protest march.
"The government tells us that they are targeting terrorists through these strikes yet they don't even have to present any proof whatsoever. They're not keeping any records of how many people are killed in these strikes. Hell, any military aged guy found around the area they bomb gets labelled a militant. It's guilty until proven innocent with this program." Jack sighed, rubbing a hand through his long brown hair, the feeling of injustice was threatening to overwhelm him. Kensi watched closely as he spoke with a furious passion she had never truly seen before. He was well and truly dedicated to this new cause. So far there had been no signs of any extreme views as far as Jack was concerned. However, some of the other members involved in the protests were starting to adopt a far more alarming style of direct action.
"Who knows how many civilians have been killed through this program." Jack shook his head, swallowing down the anger, focusing on continuing the briefing. "These guys are sitting behind a computer desk pressing a button miles away from the actual location they bomb, they go home at the end of the night and just forget about what they've done." Jack paused for a moment having flashbacks to his time in Iraq, remembering the horrors that he saw during his deployment. The actions that he took while he was on duty were something that he relived every single day. While the PTSD symptoms had drastically decreased over the years, the guilt had never left him. He had dedicated himself to anti-war campaigning as a means to make up for his time fighting overseas.
"We're hitting Washington next week, I'm talking street marches, banners, chanting." Jack was fired up about the new campaign. He spoke with enthusiasm as he detailed how they were going to spread the word.
Deeks waited patiently for Kensi to arrive at their meet-up location. He tried to remain calm, knowing that it was common for delays when you were undercover. God knows how many check-ins he had missed throughout his career. That was small comfort however, he was only ever late to check-in because he was in trouble. He couldn't help it as his mind wandered through all of the possible scenarios for why she was late. What if she was injured? What if her cover was blown? Of all of the possible scenarios in his head there was one that he kept on returning to over and over again. He shuddered at the thought of her being with another man, it just about destroyed him each time his mind crept back to that scenario.
Deeks was interrupted from his thoughts as saw her start to walk over to him. He ticked off a short checklist in his head as he studied her, her hair wasn't messed up and her clothes weren't wrinkled, thank god.
She looked apprehensive, which was unusual for her, she was usually so sure of herself, so confident, yet she looked uncertain as she approached him. Her arms were folded tightly over her chest, she wore jeans and a hoody which was currently up, obscuring her face as she looked around the beach making sure that they were alone.
"We're clear, Eric tracked you to make sure." Deeks said, putting his hands in his jean pockets, as he stared at her, analysing her body language and facial reactions. She was nervous.
Deeks sat down on the sand staring out into the ocean, hoping that his gesture would take some of the pressure off her.
Kensi watched him slightly unsure of her next move. She stood there looking down at the spot beside him, slowly building up the courage to sit there. She eventually made her way over to him, mirroring his actions, staring out into the ocean, watching the waves break.
After what felt like hours of uncomfortable silence to Deeks, Kensi finally spoke. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you..." She said softly, looking down at the sand beneath her. She hugged her legs to her body, tilting her head to look over at Deeks, searching his face for a reaction.
"Why? It's not like I was upfront with you about Monica." Deeks was doing his best to try and shrug it off but she could tell that it bothered him. He just continued to look out into the ocean for one, and two, his eyes betrayed him, the hurt was written in the cold blue tint.
Kensi sighed, picking up a shell from the beach and twisting it around in her fingers. "Yeah but this is different..."
Deeks waited for her to continue, he could see her fiddling with the shell out of the corner of his eye. He knew that this was hard for her. He tried to follow Hetty's advice, to let her engage him in the conversation, to open up to him. Yet, he couldn't settle for that. That's not how they worked, she was the one who backed off, he was the one who pushed.
"Do you still love him?" Deeks asked abruptly. The tension in the air was palpable.
Kensi was shocked, she could barely string together an answer "I... I... don't know..." She eventually stuttered out.
Deeks turned his attention back to the beach trying to shrug off the hurt that her answer had caused him. Afterall, it wasn't a no...
"He's so different..." Kensi confessed after a few further minutes of silence.
Deeks looked over at his partner, she was conflicted, playing with the sand in front of her. That's when he noticed it, the new addition to her left hand.
Kensi could sense that Deeks was staring at her, when she looked over at him she was surprised to find that he wasn't looking at her face. She followed his line of vision, noting that it was centered on her left hand. Deeks finally drew his eyes away from the ring to look into her eyes, questioning her about with one simple look.
Kensi sighed, slipping the ring off, twirling it in her fingers, the small diamond sparkled as it caught the receding sunshine. "Hetty asked me if I still had the ring he gave me..." Kensi looked down at the golden band "I never threw it away..."
She watched as Deeks began to shuffle uncomfortably in the sand beside her. He was trying to compose himself as he bit back the pangs of jealousy raging throughout his body.
"She suggested that I left it in my drawer at the cover house..." Kensi wiped a tear from her cheek using the sleeve of her hoody. "So that when I asked him to get something from the drawer he would see it." Kensi sniffed before continuing. "He did..." Kensi swiped at the next tear that fell, hoping that Deeks didn't notice. "He asked me to wear it again." Kensi finished.
"It's small." Deeks said, unable to contain his jealousy and hurt. He knew that he was being juvenile but right now he had to be, it's the only way he could cope with what she had just told him.
Kensi surprised him by laughing, despite the tears falling from her eyes. Her outburst caused Deeks to laugh too, knowing how petty the comment had been. The two of them laughed together despite the pain of the situation.
"Kens are you sure that this is a good idea being involved in this case?" Deeks asked, finally looking at her. Her eyes were red and puffy, her expression worn.
"I'm the only one that can get close to these guys Deeks, they're a tight-knit unit, they don't take kindly to outsiders."
"Yeah but aren't you too close?" Deeks knew that it was a tough question. He'd done enough undercover work to know that there was a very fine line between getting close and getting too close. That line was often blurred.
Kensi sighed "How close is too close Deeks? You've done this stuff more than I have, why don't you tell me?" Kensi asked, she wasn't angry or hurt by his question, she was just tired. She'd been working the case for three weeks now and it was eating away at her.
"What was it like being Max Gentry when you were with Nicole?" Kensi asked. She could have asked him about Monica but she knew that he wasn't in love with her. Nicole however, was a whole other story.
She watched as he squirmed uncomfortably. She wasn't expecting a reply, that's why she said it, to get him to back off. She had spent the better part of three weeks lying to Jack, pretending that she had gotten over him leaving, that everything between them was alright, she wasn't going to stick around as Deeks avoided her serious questions like usual.
Kensi began the motion to get up but Deeks pulled her back down next to him. "It was awful." Deeks confessed, actually answering her question seriously, much to Kensi's surprise. "It's the worst part about this job" Deeks continued as the sun began to set in the background. "I hate lying to people." The beautiful pink, yellow and red colors strewn across the horizon provided a stark contrast to the conversation they were engaged in. "Being Max means being the biggest asshole you can imagine..." Deeks ran a hand through his hair, pausing before he continued, "everything was a lie."
"The feelings weren't." Kensi said softly, causing Deeks to snap his head up, looking directly at her.
"No... they weren't" Deeks confessed sadly.
Kensi sighed pondering his confession for a moment. "I don't know if I can get through this Deeks... the lies... the pretending..."
"You will Kens, you're the strongest person I know, you'll find a way."
"Even if that means locking up the first man I ever truly loved?" Kensi asked sobbing.
What could Deeks say to that?
He didn't have an answer for her he simply wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She buried her head in his chest sobbing. She let out all of the emotion she had been bottling up inside for all of those weeks. The tears just came flooding out of her. The beach was shrouded in darkness except for the moonlight cascading down on them. Deeks just held onto her, letting her know that he would be there for her.
"I'm sorry." Kensi said pulling back from him slightly.
Deeks cupped her face with both hands, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Hey, don't be." Deeks said, brushing the hair from her face as he continued to stare into her eyes. "I'll be with you every step along the way okay?" Deeks said, his eyes never wavering from her own. Kensi just nodded, he always knew the right thing to say.
Deeks knew that now was not the right time to kiss her, it took everything in him not to.
"It's getting late, you should probably get back..." Deeks said sadly, releasing his hold on her face, beginning the motion to stand up.
"Yeah..." Kensi said sadly, wishing that she didn't have to go back there.