"It's nice that you want me to come home," I said quietly. "I actually am supposed to talk to you about that, about coming home to your house. Permanently, I mean."
"Oh really?" Maura asked, worry written across her face.
"Yeah," I said, solemnly.
Maura frowned, worry wiping away the smile she'd had for me just seconds before.
...
"What-" Maura stumbled a bit over her words. "What did you need to talk to me about?"
"It's just that I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm really looking forward to coming home, and to being with you. And one of the reasons they're going to let me come home is so we can kind of test the waters a little bit. But you need to understand something."
"What?" Maura looked on the verge of tears.
"No, just, please calm down Maura. I just, I feel like we're rushing a little bit. A month from now, I'll probably be ready to come home and start on outpatient therapy. If I come to live with you, that means we have to get over two years of changes, and differences between us. You were with William for a year and a half, and then I left for New York for six months. That's a long time. I'm just afraid that we're going to rush into this and you're going to realize that I'm just not the Jane I was before William came into your life."
"I can… understand where you're coming from," Maura said, choosing her words carefully. "But you also need to understand something. I've had nine months of missing you to think about this, and three months since your accident to plan for this. I have had a long time to realize just what I missed out on by not telling you how I really felt. And I really, really want to try being together with you. I want to make you as comfortable as possible though. All I'm asking of you right now is to come home to me. I can set up the guestroom and make it yours. You do not have to come home to my bed, you do not have to do anything you don't want to. But I think that we still trust each other enough to make a start of this." Maura spoke firmly, decisively. She knew what she wanted, and she wanted me. It made me happy but fearful at the same time. I still feared she wanted the old me, and I knew deep down that I wasn't that person anymore. I wanted to be her, but she was becoming increasingly harder to find within myself.
"Maura, it's not that I don't trust you. I'm just trying to put us on the same page. I'm telling you this because I want to be honest with you. I'm telling you this because I just don't want you to think that Badass Jane with the badge is coming back to live with you. Broken Jane is coming to live with you," I said sadly.
"You mean Temporarily Out of Order Jane. But the fact of the matter is, I don't care which Jane comes back to live with me. Just come home. Enjoy this weekend, and see that despite how much time has passed, not as much as you think has changed. When you do come home on a more permanent basis, we'll try dating. If you truly, honestly think that we're no longer compatible with one another, then we'll simply make other arrangements."
I looked over at Maura. She looked more hurt than anything else.
"Maur-"
"For the record," she interrupted, "I still think that we're compatible with one another. Very compatible."
"I do too," I reassured her. "And nothing I just said means that I don't want to give us a try. I'm just afraid that things won't be exactly as you want them to be when I first show up at home, and I'm trying to give you a realistic expectation of life with me. That's all. But that doesn't mean I don't want to try."
I watched Maura process what I'd told her, and softly added, "I really do want to try, and I hope more than anything else that you will see that no matter how much I've changed, my love for you hasn't."
"Okay," Maura said, looking a little more relieved.
"Maura?"
"Yes, Jane?" Maura sounded afraid of whatever I could possibly say next.
"I love you. I hope that you know that. Despite everything, despite how scared I am of losing you, I want this. But I want to go into this openly and honestly."
She sighed, relieved that I wasn't springing something else on her. "I appreciate that. And I do know that you love me. I love you too, Jane."
"So are we okay?" I asked.
"Yes, of course." Relief continued to wash over her features, but I could still see she was tense. More tense than she should have been. I felt guilty for dropping such a bomb on her.
"You're not angry?" I asked.
"No, of course not," she answered, the certainty evident in her voice. Still, something was bothering her.
"Upset?" I tried.
"No." Ah, there it was. The world's most unconvincing "no". Maura's gaze had drifted somewhere to the left of me, and I could see her searching for something to say.
"Maura, think of the hives," I joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"I'm not upset... anymore. I'm just more worried than anything else." Maura finally looked me in the eye, and I could see the worry there, along with all the feelings she spent years hiding from me. With one look, I could tell that she felt what we'd been building for the last several weeks was starting to crumble. That was the last thing I ever wanted.
"Let's not worry, let's not be upset. Let's just remember to take things slowly and just have fun. Especially tonight. All I wanted to do was talk to you about the reservations I had about coming home to you. That's all. And you reassured me, Maura. Now I want to come home to you more than ever, because we both have an understanding of where we stand."
"Okay," Maura exhaled.
"Maura, I'm sorry I upset you." I reached out and pulled her to me in an awkward embrace. My seated position on the bed, Maura's standing position, and the crutches cuffed around my upper arms made for one very weird hug.
"I'm sorry I got upset. I'm glad you're at least telling me how you feel." Maura was definitely calmer, her cheerful, geeky facade slowly making its way back.
"Yeah well... that's the new Jane," I said with a smile.
"I like this new Jane." Maura grinned. "I don't want us to hide anything from each other anymore. We did too much of that in the past, and I don't like where it led us to."
"Me either," I admitted. "Hey did you bring dinner?" Something smelled great and we definitely needed to change the subject.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I did. Are you hungry already?" If Maura was surprised by the sudden change in subject, she hid it well.
"All this emotional stuff makes me hungry." I rubbed my belly for emphasis.
"Okay, I'll just bring this down to the lounge and microwave it. It's pasta primavera. Healthy and home cooked, just like you asked for."
"I'll set the table then," I said with a smile, gesturing to the rolling bed tray.
"Thanks. I'll be right back."
While Maura was gone I walked (yes, walked!) over to the bag that Maura had brought with her and took out the two plates and the silverware that she had packed. I also found a small vase and a single red rose. I put that on the table between us, and I suddenly felt very bad about telling Maura about my fears.
It seemed to take Maura a while down in the lounge. She came back with the tupperware container with our dinner in it and the red rim around her eyes told me what had taken so long. I'd scared Maura that afternoon, and even though I was following Dr. Gilfried's advice by talking to Maura, I needed to find a better way of going about doing it.
"Maura?" I held an arm out to her as she put the pasta container on the rolling tray table.
"Yes Jane?" Maura kept her back to me, but I could still hear the tears she'd shed in the lounge in her voice.
"I'm sorry I'm such an ass."
Maura spun around. "Why would you say that?"
"You packed this super romantic dinner for us and I just spent the first half hour you were here telling you how afraid I am of coming home to you. I'm sorry." I felt like I wanted to cry at that point.
Maura straightened up, no longer as upset as she appeared to be when she'd entered the room with dinner. "Your fears are justified, Jane. And I still think we can have a romantic dinner together if you wanted. Or if not, it'll just be dinner. It's okay either way."
"I don't know how romantic dinner in a rehab is, but I do want to have a romantic dinner with you tonight. You know, if you can ignore the lack of ambiance." I gestured around us, to the hospital-style bed with guardrails and the blank walls, without any decorations on them.
Maura laughed. "All I need is you for romance. So... I'll send Sara home?"
"Sure, as long as she gets paid for all this time she misses. I don't want to cut her pay." I realized after the words came out of my mouth that I wasn't the one paying Sara, Maura was, and I felt guilty for spending her money like that. "I mean-"
Maura cut me off good-naturedly. "Of course, Jane." She gave a little smirk when she understood why I suddenly got flustered. Maura rarely showed it, but money truly was no object to her, and she took no offense to me spending it. On the contrary, she seemed to encourage it, and that moment with Sara's pay was a prime example. She walked out of the room again and I put servings of pasta onto both of our plates.
When she came back, I had everything ready for us and was sitting on the side of my bed, giving Maura the guest chair.
"This looks delicious," I said.
"Dig in," Maura replied cheerfully.
"This is nice. Thank you for coming here to spend the evening with me." I wondered if Maura knew just how much I loved her visits, and how much I missed her when she had to go home.
"I'm glad I could come by. I miss you when I'm not here." It was like she had read my mind. "Do you want to watch a movie after dinner?" Maura suggested.
"I'd love to. You pick the movie this time," I grinned.
"No, you pick it," she said with a smile. "Anything I pick will put you right to sleep." Maura winked at me, and I decided it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen her do. I must have been staring at her, because she continued talking. "I really hope you'll be able to come home this weekend. We can do whatever you want."
I snapped out of my reverie. "I'm really going to try. I think I'd probably just like to stick around the house though, maybe do what we're doing now. Help with the cooking and just relax a little. It'll feel nice to sleep in a regular bed."
"Um…" Maura gave me a tight smile. "I had a hospital bed brought in for the guest room. I did it as part of the preparations for when you came home, sort of as a way to give you some place to sleep if sleeping in my bed became too uncomfortable. Physically, I mean. The hospital bed is adjustable, and my bed isn't. I'm sorry, Jane. I didn't anticipate what we talked about today, so I didn't take that into consideration when I had the hospital bed brought in. But you know what? You can use my bed this weekend and I'll sleep on the couch."
"No, Maura, it's all right." I reached across the tray table and squeezed her arm.
"It's just that, I guess I figured you'd sleep with me, and if you got uncomfortable or if your medical situation necessitated it, you could use the hospital bed in the guest room. I made an assumption, and I'm sorry. I can try to see if I can get the regular bed set back up before you come home this weekend…" Maura rambled, starting to get upset again.
"Maura, really, it's okay," I said, taking her hand. "Who knows? Maybe we'll fall asleep on the couch together, like old times," I teased her with a grin.
"That would be... perfect," Maura replied as she calmed down.
"No, you're perfect." I grinned. "Now eat your pasta, it's getting cold."
We finished up our dinner, and I helped Maura to clean up the plates. She took them into the bathroom to wash them in the sink before putting them back in the bag she brought with her. I pushed away the rolling tray and pulled down the sheets on the bed. I took out the tablet computer, put it on the bed, and found my pajamas. When Maura came out of the bathroom, I headed in to get changed.
"I left a pair of pajamas on the bed for you. You know, if you don't want to curl up next to me in that Christian Dior dress."
"It's actually a Christian Lacroix. But you were close!" she said with a grin. "I don't know if I can stay the night, Jane. It's not really... appropriate."
"We can ask them to bring up the cot," I said hopefully. I really wanted her to stay.
"It's okay, Jane. I have to work tomorrow anyway. I'll just stay to watch the movie and then I'll head home."
"Okay," I said neutrally. "I understand." I couldn't really blame her for wanting to leave after the movie. I'd just nearly broken her heart by telling her I wanted to take things slowly.
"I'll put these away for you while you get changed?" she asked.
"Sure," I shrugged.
I made my way into the bathroom with my pajamas and started with my nightly routine. I had just finished brushing my teeth and was putting my pajamas on when my pelvis developed a mind of its own. I had one foot in my pajama bottoms when I just fell over. There's no real explanation for it. Maybe I'd overdone it while walking around all afternoon. Maybe it was just time for my pelvis to remind me that it wasn't as strong as it should be. Maybe I was just stupid enough to think I could stand up and put my pajamas on instead of sitting down to do it.
Regardless, one moment I was standing nearly upright and the next I was sprawled out on the floor in my underwear.
"Jane?!"
Maura came bursting into the room.
"Oh my god, are you all right? Stay there," she said as she knelt down next to me, checking me over. "I'll go get a nurse."
"No Maura! No. Do not get the nurse. I am fine. Really, I'm fine. I fall like this in therapy all the time." I was panicky about falling, and panicky about alerting the medical staff because of what it would do to my prospects of going home that weekend, but I wasn't hurt.
"You could be hurt, you might have broken something." Maura's normally unruffled persona was starting to sound a little panicky too.
"No, it's okay," I said, trying to calm us both down. "Can you just help me get up?"
"I don't think that's the best thing to do, Jane. I should have the house doctor check you out."
"You're a doctor. Can't you see I'm all right?" I tried to distract Maura, to get her to forget about calling in the medical staff.
"I can't be sure, Jane. You need x-rays."
"X-rays? I fall like this all the time in therapy." I certainly didn't need x-rays for something like this. I just needed a hand up.
"On mats, soft surfaces, Jane. You could have bent some of your hardware or fractured an already weakened bone." Maura started going through the possibilities, and I realized if I didn't get up and off that floor right away, she was going to have me admitted at Mass Gen before the night was over.
I grunted and pulled myself up to a sitting position. "I'm fine, Maura. I'm going to put my pajamas on and lie down. I am not hurt."
"Please Jane, I would feel a lot better if you would let them check you out," she said uncertainly.
"If they hear that I fell, Maura, they're not going to let me come home this weekend. I promise you that I am not hurt, and I am going to go right to the bed from here, okay? Please Maura," I begged her quietly.
Maura looked torn. I grabbed my pajama bottoms and my crutches, and rolled over to finally stand back up. Maura snapped out of her thoughts and helped me up.
"See? Would I be able to stand up if I wasn't all right?"
Maura bit her lip. "Still Jane, it's better to be safe than sorry."
"Please Maur, all I want to do is come home for the weekend. Please."
Maura still didn't answer me, so I started making my way back into my room one cautious step at a time.
I made it all the way to the bed, where I sat down and put my crutches aside. I put one foot into my pajama bottoms, then the other. Maura came out of the bathroom just as I was standing up to pull up my pants.
"Here, let me-" I could tell by the hitch in her voice that she was crying.
"It's all right, Maura. I'm not hurt. You don't need to be this upset," I said as I finished pulling up my pants without her help. I sat back down on the bed. I patted the spot next to me. "Sit down, please."
Maura sat down next to me, and I hugged her tightly. When we separated, I took her hand.
"You need to understand that there are going to be moments like that, where I fall down. Whether it's figuratively or literally. I'm going to fall down. And the only time you have to worry about me is if I don't get right back up, okay?" I looked her in the eyes and wiped away her tears with my free hand.
"I would just feel better if you would let yourself be examined by the doctor on duty," Maura hiccupped.
"No. It's not necessary. But if it makes you feel better, you can examine me."
Maura raised an eyebrow.
I laughed, and she did too. "I didn't mean that in a sexual way. You're a doctor, Maura. Satisfy your curiosity. I'm not hurt."
She shook her head.
"You're going to need to trust me when I tell you that I'm okay."
"But you always say you're okay, even when you're not," she pointed out.
"It's true. But you know me well enough to tell when it isn't okay. Right now, it really is okay."
Maura nodded, and rubbed her eye. "Do you want me to help you into bed?"
"Only if you're going to sit next to me and watch a movie," I grinned.
"All right."
"You sure you don't want a pair of pajamas?" I tried to tease her into staying with me that night.
"Maybe I will stay, Jane."
"Sure, you can keep an eye on me that way," I affirmed with mock seriousness.
"I, well, that's not, I wasn't going to…" Maura knew she'd been caught and got instantly awkward.
"I'm so thankful that in all of our time apart, you didn't learn how to lie," I said with a laugh. "I know why you want to stay. I don't mind the reason. I'm glad you'll stay here with me. Go get changed and I'll pick out a movie for us both." I gave her a peck on her blushing cheek before she stood up to walk away.
By the time Maura had come back out, the night nurse had come by with my evening meds and I had queued up A League of Their Own on Netflix. Maura pulled back the covers and sat next to me before covering herself.
"Should I call down for a cot?" she asked quietly.
"Nope. Not unless you want one," I responded sweetly.
"I just don't want to move too fast," Maura said. There was no sarcasm in her voice, and her words were not meant to sting, but our conversation from earlier flew back into my conscious thoughts and I felt terrible about telling her about my fears. It was moments like that one that had kept me from telling her my fears before. I never wanted either of us to feel like that.
"We used to sit on the couch together like this all the time. I'm okay with this if you are," I said quietly.
"I'm more than okay with it."
"Good," I breathed out.
Once the movie started Maura reached for my hand, and we sat there in comfortable silence for most of the movie. Occasionally Maura spouted out facts about the All American Girls Professional Baseball League, and I looked over to smile at her. She seemed a lot calmer than she was at the beginning of the night.
By the time the movie was over, Maura's eyelids were drooping. I was pretty exhausted too. We put the tablet computer back in the bedside table drawer and we lowered the head of the bed to a reclining position.
"Good night, Maura," I whispered. "Thanks for staying tonight."
When Maura didn't answer me, I thought she had fallen asleep. I looked over to her to see her looking me over.
"What's wrong?" I asked, facing her.
She cupped my cheek and leaned in to kiss me. This kiss was different from most of the other kisses we'd shared. This one was more forceful, a little more hurried.
When Maura finally pulled away, she continued to cup my cheek. "I'm never going to let you go, Jane. No matter who you think you are, or who you think you've become, I love you. I will prove to you that we belong together, and you have nothing to be afraid of when you come home. I promise."
"I believe you," I said, and kissed her once more. "I'm sorry if I scared you tonight, both with our talk and then with my fall."
"I'm not scared of losing you. Not anymore," Maura promised. "But years of us dancing around our feelings for each other left me unprepared for today. I'm glad we talked. I hope I allayed some of your fears."
"You did. And I love you for it."
"I love you too. Good night, Jane." Maura grasped my hand tightly and brought it to her lips.
"Good night, Maura." I leaned over and pecked her cheek before closing my eyes.
We stayed side by side through the night, with our fingers intertwined. My last thought as I drifted off to sleep was that I could not wait to go home, so we could have some privacy and I could spoon against Maura and hold her tightly. This side-by-side sleeping thing was for the birds.
When I woke up the next morning, I expected to feel Maura on the bed next to me, but she was already up and in the bathroom. I sat up and waited for her to come back out.
"You're up early," I said, my voice raspier than usual from sleep. It wasn't quite five yet.
"Yes, I need to get home and shower and get ready for work," Maura replied as she hurried about the room, picking up her things.
"Are we okay, Maura?" I was still worried about the night before.
"Absolutely, Jane." She leaned over and gave me a peck on the lips. "I have a busy couple of days ahead of me, so I'm going to head out now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop back between now and Friday, but I will come and pick you up Friday at lunch time if you earn your pass."
"Okay. I'll text you."
"Good." She smiled at me.
"You're beautiful," I blurted out.
Maura looked at me in disbelief. "My hair is a mess and my dress is wrinkled."
"And yet I've never seen you look more gorgeous than you do right now," I replied honestly, my eyes raking over her body.
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Jane." She leaned forward and kissed me hard, and despite myself, I moaned into her lips.
I grinned at her as she pulled away. "Have a good day at work. If you can, send me a text. I'll text you back after therapy."
"You got it," she promised.
Maura gathered up her things and went to leave, then walked back to the bed once more.
"Are you sure you're all right? You're really not hurt from your fall last night?" she asked me, concerned.
"I don't even ache, except for you, when you're not here."
"That's sweet. But really, no musculoskeletal complaints?" Dubious Maura was cute.
"Not one."
"Okay." She finally looked convinced. Maura hugged me to her again, then walked toward the door. She stopped in the doorway and looked over her shoulder at me, giving me a small wave. I waved back. Maura turning around to wave at me was becoming a habit between us, and as much as I disliked it when she had to leave, that small gesture always left me with my heart fluttering.
A/N: thank you to those of you who have placed votes in the Rizzles Fan Awards! If you haven't voted for your favorite authors, stories or fan art, you still have time. Visit rizzlesfanawards.wordpress.com and vote today! Make sure you check out the rules, to make the contest easier for the contest runner to take care of. :)