A/N: I've never suffered a serious injury, thankfully. What that means is that in writing this story I've had to do a bit of research. I've done my best to try and capture the emotion that comes along with an injury like Jane's with a reasonable amount of sensitivity, and as much realism as I could just from my imagination.

Everything I've read has told me that after a significant injury, one of the things people don't often realize is that their interpersonal relationships have a potential to change. The injured person is dealing with their injuries and the psychological impact the injury has on them, and the people closest to them are often dealing with those changes too. The injured person is often left wondering what other people's perceptions of them are, and whether those perceptions have changed since their injury. The next couple of chapters are going to explore that facet, and they're going to be difficult for Jane to get through. I tried to explore these various interpersonal relationships with as much dignity and sensitivity as I possibly could. In Jane's case, in this story at least, this issue compounded by the fact that she has a helicopter mother who means well, but rarely sees things from her daughter's perspective.

All that being said, I hope that despite the significant amount of angst in this chapter (and the next few), that you'll enjoy it, and if you do have criticisms, that you'll be kind and constructive with them.

And now, on to the chapter...

After I sat on the edge of the bed, bemoaning the fact that my mother was throwing me a surprise party while I still looked and felt like death warmed over, for at least a half an hour, I decided that I was pretty much relegated to my fate. I also decided that I needed to look my best, so I took a long, hot shower and tried to style the inch and a half of hair on my head. I was frustrated because I couldn't do much with it, but at least the scars on my scalp were covered. I dressed in the outfit Maura had picked out for me the day before, and used some of Maura's lip gloss, mascara, and eyeliner to give me a little bit of color. I was still horribly pale, but Maura's foundation and blush weren't the right shades for my skintone, so I left them in her makeup bag on the bathroom counter.

When I came out of Maura's bathroom, she was waiting for me in the bedroom. Maura was already dressed. She looked gorgeous, which just made me feel even worse about myself. Maura didn't have to put any effort into looking glamorous. She just exuded glamor. Meanwhile I'd spent the last two hours trying to do something, anything, with myself to make myself look presentable, and I still looked horrible.

"How-"

"I showered in the guest bathroom. I put my makeup and clothes in there last night when you fell asleep," Maura said gently. She could see the worry on my face.

"Oh."

"Did you see the foundation and blush I left for you?" Maura asked, studying me closely.

"I thought that was yours. And your shades don't really match my shades that well," I shrugged.

"No, come in here, let me give you a hand."

Maura brought me back into the bathroom, draped a clean towel over the front of my clothes and redid both my hair and makeup for me. She stepped back to admire her handiwork and beamed at me.

"You look gorgeous," she said proudly.

"There's no way-"

She cut me off again. "Get up, look in the mirror. That outfit plus that makeup? You're stunning. And I know you hate having your hair short like this but the way it looks right now makes you look like a runway model."

I got up and peered in the mirror. The woman staring back at me wasn't me… but she was gorgeous.

"How did you do that?" I asked, incredulous.

"Do what?" Maura responded, baffled.

"Make me look human again?" I snarked.

"You're always human, Jane. No amount of science can change that."

"That's not what I meant." I turned and gave her a long look.

"I know. But you do look stunning. So much so that all I want to do is kiss you, but I can't because I'll ruin your makeup."

"We could just stay up here and make out," I offered. I was desperate to not have to go down there and wait for the partygoers and looky loos to arrive.

"You know we can't do that, Jane," Maura said softly. "I'm sorry. Now, take a deep breath, and walk with me. Your guests await you."

"Guests? They're here already?" How could they be there already? It was just past noon! It felt like with every passing minute something else happened to knock me off balance. How could the guests be there already?

"Yes. And your mother is getting VERY impatient trying to keep them all quiet down there," Maura said cautiously.

"Oh my god, Maura. How many? How many guests?" I started sweating, thinking of having to make an entrance with my crutches and my lurch and scarred skin and patchy hair.

"Just a few," Maura said, eyes wide with honesty.

"I can't do this." I actually thought I was going to hyperventilate.

"Yes, you can, Jane." Maura squeezed my arm and gave me her best look of reassurance, but it wasn't helping. I did not want to go down there, and she knew it. She was beginning to look just as anxious as I was. "Please Jane, nothing but good things are waiting for you. And if you don't go down there, you can't help Frankie celebrate his gold badge."

"I can't. I can't do this. I don't want people to see me this way. Please, Maura, don't make me do this. I can't do this." I was begging, and I wasn't even ashamed of it.

"Jane, this will be really good for you. It will be good for you to be around people and socialize. You have to do this. Do it for yourself. Do it for me." Maura sounded like she was starting to beg too.

"I can't, Maura."

"Jane, do it for your mother. She's so excited about this. She's so happy that you're alive and that you're going to be okay. She just wants to celebrate you. She wants to celebrate the fact that months of worry and despair and fear are over, and you're back home again. Please Jane. Do it for her."

I looked at Maura and thought about how much it would disappoint my mother if she even knew I knew about the party, let alone backed out of it. I still had absolutely no desire to go down there, but the consequences of not going would have been just as awful as going, I figured. "Will you stay with me? The entire time?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, if that's what you want," Maura said resolutely.

I sighed, once again resigned to my fate. "I should leave the crutches up here. This way people won't see me using them." I figured the less people saw of my disabilities, the easier I'd make it through this party.

"If that's what you want, you can do that." Maura looked relieved that I was acquiescing.

Maura guided me to the top of the stairs and I could faintly hear people whispering. "Maura, I changed my mind. I can't do this. Don't make me do this. Please." I tried to turn around and go back to the bedroom, but Maura held me gently in place.

"Jane, please do this for your mother and for Frankie. You don't have to stay the entire time. I can help you back upstairs whenever you want. It's only just after noon now. By four o'clock the party will already be winding down, and we'll have the rest of the evening together before we leave for the rehab at nine."

"What if they think I'm weak?" I was on the verge of tears.

"Well if you keep hiding from them, they're definitely going to think that," Maura pointed out rather sternly.

"I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

"No," she shook her head and gave me a small smile.

"Please, Maura."

"Jane, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Do you remember the last time we did things the hard way?"

"Yes," I groaned, though I did remember enjoying her ripping my dirty sweatsuit off and stuffing me into my police uniform the night of the awards ceremony following the incident with Bobby Marino.

"I will not hesitate to throw you over my shoulder and carry you fireman style down into the party. How would you like that for an entrance?" Maura smiled at me to show me she was joking, but somehow I could still see the threat behind the joke. She probably would try it, if I made her.

"You couldn't," I dared her.

"You want to see me try?" she called my bluff.

"No."

"Then start walking, and act surprised!" Maura whispered.

We started down the steps and stopped about halfway down, when my pelvis started to wobble. Maura narrowed her eyes at me.

"Seriously, Maura, I'm not doing this on purpose."

"Okay." She put her arm tighter around my waist and walked me down to the last step. "I love you," she whispered quickly before we turned the corner, into the living room, where all the guests were, standing and waiting.

"SURPRISE!" they yelled.

"Oh my god." My free hand flew to my chest and my knees almost went out from under me. Maura gripped me harder, and pulled me closer to her. A few people? It looked like they'd pulled random people in off the street just to fill up the room.

"Easy," she said quietly. "Easy. Go toward the couch." I made it over to the couch without managing to stumble, and Maura sat down next to me, holding my hand.

The living room was decorated with balloons and banners. On one wall there was a banner that said "Congratulations Frankie!" and on the other wall there was a banner that said "Welcome Home Jane!". There were party hats and chips and dip placed around the room. A quick glance around showed me that Ma had invited just about everyone Frankie and I knew.

Our family was there, Tommy, along with Lydia, TJ and Lydia's mother Rene. Frankie and Ma were there, of course too.

Korsak was there with Dana and Frost had arrived with Anna.

Sean Cavanaugh was there.

A rousing 'HEY VANILLA!' from the back of the room told me that Rondo was there as well.

I spotted Carla Talucci and her niece Gia. Gia was busy eyeing Frankie. Ma's cousin Teresa and her daughter Gianna were there as well. Gianna was busy giving Gia the stink eye. Those two had despised each other since birth, which was ironic considering how much they had in common.

Some of Frankie's classmates from the academy and a few detectives from the Vice unit were there also.

My Pop wasn't there, but considering that no one had heard from him in at least two years, I didn't expect him to be there. I wasn't even sure that he knew I'd been injured. I don't think he would care either way. I certainly didn't care if he knew.

I was completely overwhelmed. I never liked surprise parties, but this was worse than that. I felt every eye in the room on me, sizing me up. Calculating just how far down life had cut the indomitable Jane Rizzoli. I tried to smile, but all I could do was shake. Maura, to her credit, hadn't removed her arm from around me and was gently squeezing my hand.

"It's okay, Jane. You're all right," she was whispering over and over to me. Finally, she whispered, "Say something."

"Hey," I said flatly, and the room quieted down. "Wow. Um, what a surprise. Thanks for coming."

"There," Maura whispered against me again. "Just stay here, people will come to you to say hello."

And sure enough, people started coming up. First was Ma and Frankie.

"So, what a surprise, huh?" Ma asked, beaming.

"Ma, I wish you wouldn't have done this," I said quietly, wiping the proud smile right off her face. "The last thing I wanted was all of these people here, staring at me. I thought we were having dinner with my brothers, Korsak and Frost to celebrate Frankie's gold badge."

"I just thought-" Ma started, defensive and already playing the wounded puppy.

"No, you didn't think," I hissed quietly. "You didn't think about what it would be like in my shoes. To have all these people staring at me. You didn't think, Ma!"

"I was just trying to do something nice for you, Janie." The hurt was written all over Ma's face, and I felt guilty for speaking to her that way.

"How many times did I have to say that I didn't want people to see me like this? And what about Frankie? Isn't anyone here to celebrate him?" I gestured to Frankie, who had been really quiet throughout the entire exchange.

"It's fine, Janie. I'm enjoying this. I mean, not enjoying seeing you upset, but I'm glad all these people came here to see you. They were all worried about you. You know, having this party is as much a thing for them as it is for you or me. Everybody here was scared for you, Janie. So now they get to see that you're all right. That you're still my kickass older sister. It puts their minds at ease."

"They teach you how to bullshit at the Police Academy, little brother?" I growled.

"Jane please," Maura said quietly. "A lot of people went out of their way to do this for you and to get here to see you."

"Fine. Thank you, Ma, for humiliating me in front of everyone I know. And thank you, Maura and Frankie, for keeping this a secret from me instead of putting a stop to it. Thank you to all of you."

"Jane, these people care about you. They wouldn't be here if they didn't. They're all really relieved to see how well you're doing," Ma whimpered, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Ma, I know you had good intentions with this, but you know I hate surprise parties. I hate myself right now too. So the combination of my life plus this surprise party is not a good thing." I smacked my hands down onto my thighs and started pushing myself to get up. "I want to go back upstairs."

"You can't, Jane. You need to stay here and at least greet your guests," Ma said.

I shot my mother a dirty look. She clearly had no sympathy for me and hadn't heard a word I'd just said. "You know what? I think I'd like to go back to the rehab now. Right now."

"Jane, please, you can't. Don't do this," Frankie begged, putting a hand on my shoulder so I'd stay seated. "Please stay awhile and try to have some fun. It's a party, it's supposed to be fun."

"Hey Jane, Maura, Angela," Korsak greeted us as he came over, oblivious to what was going on. "Congrats, Frankie. We were all thrilled to hear you got your gold badge."

"Uh, thanks Korsak. It was a real honor," Frankie looked from Korask to Maura and just shrugged.

"Jane, you look terrific!" Korsak said as he leaned down to kiss my cheek. "Can you believe we were able to track down Rondo and get him here? We can thank Frost for that. Hadn't seen much of Rondo since you left, but Frost tracked him down."

"I'll be sure to thank him later," I said through gritted teeth.

"I need to go put the lasagne in the oven," Ma said, getting up suddenly. "Maura, could you help me?"

Maura went to stand up, and I grabbed her and pulled her back down onto the couch with me. "No way. She stays right here. Go make your own lasagne. Or have Carla Talucci help you. Maura's not leaving my side, at all." I looked at Maura pointedly, silently reminding her of her promise from upstairs to stay with me.

"Okay, Jane," Maura said warily. "Do you mind, Angela?"

"No, it's fine." Ma gave me a dirty look and walked away. Korsak gave me a funny look.

"Frankie, why don't you go get Tommy and Frost and bring them both over here? Maura and I have something we need to talk to you all about."

"Everything okay, Janie?" Korsak asked.

"Peachy keen, Korsak."

Since I planned to make my escape from that party as fast as I could, there was no point in putting off any longer.

"Jane, we don't have to do this today," Maura warned. "Perhaps in your state of mind it's not the best idea," she added.

"Why not, Maura? I mean, it's bad enough that you decided to parade me around and show everyone just how awful I look. Why not make our announcement today too?" I was snarling at her. I was actually snarling at the woman I loved. The entire situation was so far out of control, it was making me feel physically ill.

"Jane, come on. You're taking this the wrong way," Maura said, her voice shaky with the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks.

"No, you all thought of this the wrong way. It's like you don't even know me at all. I don't even want you to see me like this, so you all thought it would be a good idea to invite everyone I know to come stare? Really, Maura? When Ma announced this is what she wanted to do, you just said 'Why not?' and went along with it? I thought you knew me better than that!"

Maura couldn't answer me. She was very choked up and trying her best not to cry in front of everyone. The people around us were starting to stare.

"Jane, what the hell is going on?" Korsak demanded.

"You mean aside from being embarrassed beyond belief?" I asked him back.

"It's just your family and friends here, Jane. What on earth do you have to be embarrassed about?"

"Korsak, you remember how we sat down and talked after you and I weren't partners anymore, and I told you that the reason I asked for us to be split up was because you'd seen me weak and vulnerable? Do you remember that?"

"Yeah, I do." Korsak looked uncomfortable at the memory. I knew he still had regrets about that day with Hoyt. He'd probably carry those regrets to his grave.

"Well do you honestly think I want all these people here to see me that way? Weak and vulnerable? I can't even walk without lurching. I look sickly and feel terrible. I don't want people to see me like this!" I spat out my words, and clenched my fists. I was so angry and so embarrassed that if the mouth to Hell had opened right there in front of me, I willingly would have dived in and let it swallow me.

"Do you remember what I told you that day, Jane? I said to you that no one can break Jane Rizzoli unless you let 'em. It's a choice. That still applies here, today. You can sit here and be all sensitive or you can get up and mingle and act like nothing's wrong. People aren't here to stare at you, Jane. They're here to celebrate the fact that you're still alive. They're all thrilled that you're going to be okay, and that you're still here to see them and be a part of their lives. So what's it going to be? Angry, vulnerable Jane, or badass, look-what-I-survived Jane? Whatever you pick though, you owe your mother and your girlfriend a giant apology."

"My what?" I asked, staring at him.

"Oh come on, Jane. We all know. We all knew the day that woman died at the rehab, and Maura couldn't stop checking on you. We all knew years ago that you two had a thing for each other. Quit being an asshole and look at what you're doing to Maura."

I looked over at Maura, who was discreetly using a party napkin to wipe at her eyes. As angry as I was, seeing Maura silently cry next to me broke my heart. Had I just thrown away everything Maura and I were working so hard to rebuild? I couldn't reconcile the fear I had of losing Maura to the anger and embarrassment I was feeling. There were so many conflicting emotions brewing in me that I didn't know what to do. I figured apologizing to Maura was the best bet.

"I'm sorry, Maura. I know you had only good intentions with this party. I just wasn't ready for all of this. I'm sorry for saying you didn't know me at all. You know me better than anyone else."

Maura just nodded. I could tell that she couldn't trust her voice, and that she was still having a hard time keeping her tears in check.

Frankie came back with Tommy and Frost. "What's up, Janie? Hey, did you make Maura cry?" Frankie grabbed the napkin from Maura's hand and tilted her chin up. "So help me, Janie. I don't care how hurt you were, if you make her cry again I will smack the shit outta you."

"Frankie, please," Maura said, finally finding her words. "Jane has apologized, and I'm just trying to calm down." She turned and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Jane. I should not have forced you to come down here after you said you didn't want to. I really thought it would be good for you. I just wanted to celebrate you along with everyone else."

I just shook my head in wonderment. I really couldn't understand how they could think this was a good idea. At all.

"Hey Janie," Tommy said, clearly uncomfortable and trying to change the subject. "TJ's here, if you wanna see him later."

"Yeah, I can't wait. I missed that little guy." It was the first good feeling I'd had since I'd come downstairs. I really couldn't wait to see TJ. Maybe he could be my distraction from all of this.

"So, uh, what's up?" Frost asked, looking around at all of us and feeling just as uncomfortable as everyone else near us.

I looked over at Maura.

"Maura and I had something to tell all of you, but based on my behavior just now, what we wanted to tell you may have been a bit premature. I'm sure at this very moment, Maura is having second thoughts."

"What? No, Jane. No. No second thoughts. Not one second thought at all," Maura said hastily. "I'm not going down that route ever again, and we need to tell them before you go back to rehab tonight because I'm tired of hiding it. There's no doubt in my mind about what I'm about to tell you," Maura said, looking at the crowd gathered in front of us. "Jane and I are in love. We're a couple now, even when Jane decides to be furious with me for things that were really beyond my control."

I gaped at Maura, and Frost, Korsak, Tommy and Frankie gaped at the two of us.

"Did you really just say that?" I asked, amazed more at the choice of words than the actual sentiment.

Before she could answer me though, my brothers were giving Maura and I kisses on the cheek and Frost and Korsak were clapping us both on the back.

"That's fifty dollars, from each of you," Frost pointed at the rest of them. "I think I was the one who called it that they'd get together before she was even out of rehab."

"Yeah, but they told us while she was home, that means I win," Tommy contested.

"No way, dude. You heard Maura, she's going back to rehab tonight. She's still in rehab," Frost argued.

The four of them turned away from Maura and I and continued arguing back and forth. It was like Maura and I weren't even there, and hadn't even just given them what was supposed to be shocking news.

Suddenly I felt Maura's lips against my ear. "See? I told you they were betting on us."

I jumped away from her so I could look at her. She had a sly grin on her face. "You- how did you- you went from upset to- to- smug? Are you smug right now?"

She kissed me on the cheek softly. "I'm sorry, Jane. I'm sorry I forced you to come down here like this. I also accept your apology, and I'm going to walk you into the kitchen so you can apologize to your mother and work things out with her."

I nodded at her, amazed, but somewhat irritated too. I felt bad for hurting Maura's feelings, but did she really not care about how I felt about being put on display like this? Why didn't anyone understand it? Why hadn't she said so that my mother could apologize to me?

"And so help me if you don't start greeting the rest of your guests and having a good time," Maura threatened.

"You sound just like my mother."

"Get up, Jane. We're going to the kitchen," Maura demanded, her eyes narrowed into slits. I could tell she was still upset, and angry. So was I, truthfully. I didn't want to fight with her, or hurt her feelings, but I also didn't want to be at that party, yet there I was.

"Okay. Okay," I said, standing on shaky legs. I took a few uncertain steps without Maura, afraid suddenly because I'd purposely left my crutches upstairs. What if I fell in front of all of those people? How could I have been so stupid to leave my crutches upstairs?

"Wait for me," Maura said, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"I didn't think you'd want to do that," I said.

"What? Help you to the kitchen?" Maura asked, confused.

"No, want to touch me."

"Jane, even when I am at my angriest, there will never be a time I don't want to touch you. I may be mad at you, but I still love you. I'm always going to love you, even when you're an obstinate, prickly, cranky girlfriend."

"Wow. Um, really?" I asked. "You drag me to a party I don't want to go to and embarass me in front of everyone I know, and I'm the one who is obstinate and cranky?"

Maura sighed and stopped walking, but didn't let go of me. "I'd like to tell you that you're not thinking of this rationally. Most people would be thankful that someone took the time to try and do something nice for them. I'd also like to remind you that this wasn't my idea, and I did try to put a stop to it. I'm sorry I wasn't successful. You, however, could put a little bit of effort into trying to relax and enjoying yourself."

"I just feel," I stopped. "You know what, forget it. Let me go get my mother's apology over with and then I'm going upstairs. No one here gets it anyway."

Maura started to argue with me, but we'd made it into the kitchen, where Ma was with Cavanaugh.

"Oh, hey, Jane," Cavanaugh said, taking off the oven mitt on his hand and walking around the island to greet me. "You look terrific. It's so good to see you."

He gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," I said quietly, my ongoing argument with Maura temporarily forgotten. "How have you been?"

"Okay. Busy with work. We're short-staffed," Cavanaugh said matter-of-factly.

"I heard. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry we're short-staffed?" he asked, amused.

"I'm sorry I left the way I did, and that I left you short-staffed."

Cavanaugh shrugged, trying to play what he said next off as casually as possible. "Yeah, well, I've heard that you may be looking for a job in a couple of months."

"Maybe," I said, and I felt Maura pinch me. "Probably," I added.

"When you're ready to do your physical qualifications and your interview, give me a call," Cavanaugh said. "The place hasn't been the same without you," he added.

"Thanks. I miss you guys. It would be great to come back and work for you," I said softly. It seemed like too much to hope for, though.

"We miss you too. Well, except Crowe. That douchbag has been so far out of line since you've been gone. I can't wait for you to come back and make his life hell."

"Um, thanks," I said quietly. Was that really what everyone thought of me? Was I really there to just make everyone's lives hell?

"Don't be a stranger, Rizzoli. When you're out of rehab, come visit. I'd like to see you in my office a few times before we actually get the process started," Cavanaugh said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Okay, I'll do that. Thanks Lieutenant."

"See you soon, Rizzoli."

He gave me another hug before he walked out to go mingle with the other guests, and that left Maura, Ma, and me alone together. Ma was glaring at me.

"Ma, I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted. You were doing something nice for me and I took it the wrong way. I'm sorry for upsetting you. I apologized to Maura too, but since you're both here I should apologize to you both together. You obviously put a lot of hard work and effort into this, to make me happy," I tried to sound genuine, but my tone betrayed just how mad I was deep down. Yeah, they'd done something nice for me, but I wasn't ready for it, and they were acting like I'd committed some mortal sin by reminding them of that fact. More than anything else, I was so upset that they didn't understand where I was coming from.

"I don't know what's the matter with you, Jane, but I did not expect that kind of treatment from you. Or to see you treat Maura that way either," Ma accused, seeing right through my apology.

"Look, I was wrong, and I said I am sorry. I lashed out because I'm overwhelmed and I'm uncomfortable. The timing for this was not right for me. I'm not ready for any of this," I explained, trying to keep my anger and my tears in check.

"Jane, I just don't understand why you wouldn't be happy to see all of these people. They're all here because they're happy you're going to be okay." Ma was looking at me like I had two heads. I felt like enough of a freak at that point that maybe I did have two heads.

"It was just too much, too soon, Ma. Although I don't like surprises at all, if I looked more like myself and was able to get around without help, I probably would have been less self-conscious and less overwhelmed."

"Still, Janie-"

"Ma, look, thank you. I know you had good intentions. Thank you. And I'm sorry to both of you for lashing out."

Maura was watching me sympathetically. Maybe she did finally understand where I was coming from. Ma, on the other hand, had put on her "you-just-wait-until-the-guests-leave" face that she used to give me as a child and straightened her apron.

"Jane, honey, why don't you go out and say hello to everyone while I get the food out? We'll be eating soon." Yup, there it was. Ma was changing the subject, which meant she was done with the topic and I'd be hearing more about it later. Why did this weekend have to turn out like this? It had been going so well up until that damned surprise party.

I turned around and hobbled out of the kitchen, back toward the living room, and sat back down on the couch. Maura had made no move to follow me, and it aggravated me even more that she had promised to stay with me the entire time, but was now in the kitchen with my mother. I put my head in my hands and wished that I could just disappear. I felt the couch next to me dip.

"Hey partner."

I looked up to see Frost there.

"Not having a very good time, are you?" he asked.

"No, I really am not. And I feel like an ass because Ma and Maura obviously went out of their way to do this for me."

"I didn't really think it was a good idea when your mother called me, but you know how she is once she gets an idea in her head," Frost explained. "And Maura did try to talk her out of it. I heard her on the phone several times. So don't blame her, okay?"

"Yeah," I said glumly.

"You do look fantastic though. It's only been a week since I last saw you and you really do look better than you did."

"Maura did my hair and makeup, that's probably why," I said morosely.

"It's more than that. Even despite everything going through that head of yours right now, you look settled. You look like you finally found what you were looking for. That's a good look on you, Jane."

"I have. Well, that's if I didn't screw everything up today. Maura's pretty mad at me, despite what she just told me."

"She's one of the most forgiving people I've ever met. Be honest with her but don't be hurtful. For what it's worth, I don't think you're completely unjustified in not having wanted this party. But you're here, so you might as well enjoy it," Frost said gently. He gave me his "I'm-on-your-side-but-I'm-still-the-voice-of-reaso n" look.

"Yeah, I guess so. I didn't think I'd actually look forward to going back to rehab, but after this party, it's starting to look like a vacation," I muttered.

"You didn't have a good weekend?"

"I did up until this party. Maura and I talked about so much. It was wonderful just spending so much time with her." That was the first happy, honest thing I could say so far at that party. Thinking about it made me feel a little calmer.

"Then don't let this party ruin the weekend. Go mingle. Go see TJ. He asks about you all the time, you know," Frost encouraged.

"I didn't know you saw him that often." I was surprised.

"Sometimes Tommy picks up TJ at daycare and stops by the precinct so Frankie can drive him home. Tommy carries a picture of you, Frankie and himself in his wallet, and TJ likes to take it out and show it to me. It's adorable. He calls you 'Aunt Danie'. Apparently the letter J is a bit difficult for him."

"I'm surprised he even remembers me."

"He knows you from the picture. Go say hi to them, Jane. Go enjoy yourself. Don't worry about what anybody thinks. Everybody here loves you."

"Thanks Frost."

Frost got up to walk away, and before I could get up myself, Rondo sat down next to me.

"Vanilla, lookin' FIIII-IIINE." He grinned at me enthusiastically. "Long time no see, Vanilla."

"Rondo, how the hell are you?" I asked. I was shocked that he was there.

"Better now that I see you. I heard about what happened to you, I'm real glad to see you're okay."

"Thanks Rondo. And thanks for coming to the party. I hear they don't see much of you around the precinct anymore."

"Nah. I worked for Vanilla. But if they really needed me, I'd help 'em out," he said proudly.

"You staying safe, Rondo?" I wondered what he did with his time, where he slept at night, and if he ever felt as apprehensive about what the next moment would bring, like I had been feeling since I'd woken up in Hartford three months earlier.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Been working at the youth shelter and the veterans outreach. I pick up paying gigs every now and then too."

"Now that I'm back in town, if you need anything, you get in touch, you hear?" I wanted him to know I was just as available to him as I was before I left. As much of a pest as he'd been, he was a good man and he'd helped me out many times before.

"You got it, Vanilla." He beamed at me.

"It's good seeing you, Rondo." And it was good, seeing him. I hadn't realized that I'd missed him until that moment.

"Good seeing you too, Vanilla. Get well soon, ya hear?"

"I do hear." I smiled as I got up slowly and made my way cautiously across the living room, holding on to furniture as I went, to the dining room to see TJ.

TJ was down on the floor, playing with Matchbox cars. Tommy and Lydia sat on dining room chairs, chatting. I came up to them slowly, trying to keep as much of the lurch out of my walk as I could. I regretted not using the crutches, and was terrified of falling down in front of all of these people. I looked around again and Maura was still nowhere to be found. TJ looked up at me as I approached, and he jumped up and clung to his mother's legs. Lydia looked up to see me coming.

"Hey Jane, it's good to see you," she said sweetly as she stared at me.

"Hey Lydia. How are you?"

"Okay," Lydia said, still gaping at me and my tremulous approach over to them all.

TJ continued to cling to Lydia's legs. I sat down on the chair next to Lydia and bent over to peer at TJ. He had his face buried in his mother's lap.

"Hey buddy," I said quietly. "I missed you." I reached out and touched his arm, and he yanked it away from me.

"TJ, say hi to Aunt Janie," Tommy said quietly.

"No!"

"It's okay little buddy. It's been a long time. I'm Aunt Jane. I love you very much."

"NO! Not Aunt Danie!"

"Yes, I am." I leaned down and touched his hair, letting one of his little ringlets curl around my finger. He may have been growing in leaps and bounds, and I'd missed so much, but he still had baby-soft hair. In that moment he was still more baby than toddler, clinging to his mother.

Lydia picked up TJ and pulled him into her lap, so that he was facing me. "Sorry Jane, it's just he's a little shy around strangers and he hasn't seen you for a long time."

"I know, it's okay."

"TJ, you want to play with your cars? Aunt Janie can show you how fast they go," Lydia asked, trying to distract her son.

"No."

I picked up one of the cars and handed it to him. "Look at this one, buddy. That's a Mustang! That's a fast car!"

TJ turned his face and hid against his mother. I put the car down on the dining room table, giving up. "It's okay, TJ. I get it." I gave Lydia and Tommy a tight smile and got up to head back into the kitchen. I really should have expected that. I'd been gone from TJ's life for three quarters of a year, almost one third of his life. I looked completely different. I shouldn't have been nearly as surprised or as hurt as I was that he didn't recognize me and didn't trust me. It still stung though.

I walked back into the kitchen looking for Maura, She was there, along with Frankie and Ma all huddled together in conversation. They all stopped and looked at me when I walked in.

"What?" I asked quietly.

"Did you need something?" Ma asked tersely.

"No, I just… forget it." I said, and turned around and walked back out. I looked around the living room, and all the seats were taken. I didn't want to go back over to sit with Lydia and Tommy in the dining room, and the kitchen was apparently off limits.

"Jane, wait-" Maura said as I turned away. I heard Ma say something to her, and whatever it was that she said, Maura didn't follow me. I didn't stick around to see what they were all doing.

I'd really had enough of that party, I decided. So I walked quietly upstairs to the guest bedroom. Even Maura's bedroom felt off limits to me at that point.

I looked at the hospital bed and cringed. I'd be back to sleeping in one of those that night. I didn't want to sit on it then. Instead I kicked off my sneakers, pulled the plush armchair over to the window and sat on it, pulling my knees up under my chin and wrapping my arms around my calves. The position wasn't exactly comfortable, but if I could have folded myself up tight enough to disappear, I would have.

I looked out over Maura's front yard and wondered if I'd really gotten what I'd wanted to begin with when I left for New York. I felt completely disconnected from everyone.