Here it is! I'm sorry it took so long but I promise another chapter will be along shortly :)
The Coffee Shop Enterprise: Open Mic Night
Though Jim always liked to see the bright side of things he had to admit that open mic night was not going well. Part of it he knew was because of the raging ion storm outside but even if more people had come the acts wouldn't have been improved. Though Chris and Scotty lacked polish they weren't totally untalented musicians despite what Bones continued to assert. Even though Spock was undoubtedly a talented performer with the Vulcan lute (which Bones at least admitted) his songwriting left galaxies to be desired. Apparently this was a species wide problem that stemmed from a combination of emotional control, Vulcans not really having break ups, and the fact that neither Standard nor Vulcan had many words that rhymed with "logic". After his performance (for which only Uhura clapped to a yell of "Go Spock!" from Jim) Spock came over to where Kirk and McCoy were sitting. Uhura rolled her eyes and begun to make her excuses to Sulu who tried to subtly make the case that there were a lot of nice men out there who didn't hold hands and exchange long meaningful stares with their best friend. This only seemed to have the effect of making her bury her face in her hands and groan something about Vulcan kissing, but she didn't leave so he decided that it was a small victory.
"How did you enjoy my performance Jim…" asked Spock with what would be a mixture of terror and excitement…if he had emotions that is…which he definitely didn't
"Hello! I'm here too damn it!" Interjected McCoy
Spock just ignored him "What did you think of my performance? Be totally honest. I, after all, have no ego to bruise"
"Well…um…. You have a big vocabulary and that's great…but sometimes you need to be a little…catchier. Like that song you wrote about your ex T'Pring; instead of calling it "I Found It Illogical That You Would Prefer That Other Male To Me, Especially Since We Were Intended For Each Other, And So Your Actions Made My Pon Farr Exceedingly Unpleasant" well that…um…" Kirk just kind of shrugged
"That is an accurate assessment of what happened!" Spock looked like he was about to cry
"Yeah but Spock…" Kirk was trying to tread carefully here "Most song titles are like one or two words because no one will remember two sentences. The only reason I know the whole thing is because I wrote it down on a napkin"
Despite Spock's earlier claim that he had no ego to bruise he was not taking Kirk's honest assessments very well. Someone with a little more tact might have seen this coming but Jim just kept talking.
"Also I think it was too specific, not a lot of have had their pon farr ruined like that but everyone's been dumped and I'm pretty sure most people have been cheated on at some point…"
"Especially if you were involved"
"Hey! Anyway so if you focus more on the universal than…" What focusing on the universal would do for the song was never explained because at that moment Spock yelled something and started punching Jim. This would have turned into a no holds barred beat down if not for McCoy and Pike.
"Are you out of your Vulcan mind!" yelled Bones as Spock stood breathing heavily and Sulu looked warily at Uhura.
"My songwriting is extremely personal to me" said Spock not making eye contact with anyone
"So? Jim was just trying to help and he has been nothing but supportive." Said Scotty
"Also he was giving you genuine constructive criticism" Interjected McCoy "Not just passive aggression being especially passive aggressive by calling itself constructive criticism. Do you know how rare that is? Its like a unicorn that craps dilithium crystals."
Jim rubbed his chin where a bruise was starting to develop
"I'm going to the bathroom to clean up and check the damage. Who wants to go next? Nyota are you sure…"
"For the 200th time NO! I don't have anything prepared and I'm only here to support Spock…and because my roommate is having an orgy in our apartment with the entire Starfleet University football team."
"Gaila!"
"Ë-moë not zis again"
"Yes Scotty" said Uhura
"But she said she loved me!"
"That's what she was telling the football team when I left"
"I feel like that word might mean something different on her home planet." mused Sulu
"How did she fit all those people into your tiny apartment?" asked Jim
"Trust me you don't want to know…actually you're enough of a pervert that you probably do" Jim smirked and left for the toilets and McCoy got up on the stage to continue the evening's entertainment.
"Hi, I'm Leonard McCoy. Damn it I'm a doctor not a writer…well I used to be. Anyway I had a lot of feelings and things to work through after the divorce and…uh…I wrote this. It's a lyric essay…" There were some groans from the audience.
"Fine then! You know what this is what I get for thinking it was a good idea to share my inner pain and suffering with a bunch of people who clearly have the emotional sensitivity of a bunch of Vulcan sandworms!"
"Come on lad, don't be like that"
"Yeah come on Bones! We want to hear it" said Uhura
"Ok well…if you want me to…" McCoy pulled out a flask and took a long swig and thus fortified was going to begin again when Kirk returned from the bathroom, but it wasn't Jim Kirk as they knew him. This Kirk stood glaring at all of them and instead of a grey V-neck he sported a tacky sparkly gold vest with no shirt underneath. No sooner had Not-Kirk appeared then he looked around and exclaimed
"What is everyone doing sitting around? Get back to work slaves or else I'll take away your drinking privileges and you'll have to go to Starbucks…what the hell this isn't my shop"
"Vat is vrong with Starbucks?" whispered Chekov
"Nothing, we're just supposed to hate it because we work at an independent coffee store." said Sulu
"You all right son?" asked Pike
"Don't call me that, you're not my dad"
"Who are you and what have you done with James T. Kirk?" yelled Spock
"My name is Tiberius! Also how is Pike even alive, everyone knows I killed him a few years ago so I could inherit his money." He shook his head confused and irritated
"Screw this I'm out of here" and with that Not-Kirk walked back into the bathroom. Everyone was silent for a moment
"Scotty did you spike our beverages again?" Asked McCoy
"I keep tellin' ye that was just a wee accident!"
"Its not a "wee accident" if someone almost gets impaled by a certain fencer under the delusion he's a musketeer and Uhura is his "fair maiden". That is a major accident in my book." grumbled McCoy
"Sorry"
"Its not your fault Sulu"
At this point Kirk, regular Kirk that is, came stumbling out of the bathroom
"Jim!" cried Spock who looked like he was about to hug his friend before realizing that everyone was looking and blushing green a little.
"Hey guys did anyone notice the parallel universe in our bathroom before?" said Kirk a little dazed
"No, cleaning the toilets is the McCoy's job"
"It is not! Its Chekov's"
"I thought Christine did zat"
"No one told me anything" yelled Christine Chapel from across the room "I got the impression Mr. Pike took care of that"
"I own the place, for crying out loud. The whole point of being in charge is that you don't have to clean the toilets.…also do I know you from somewhere? Did you used to have black hair by any chance?"
"No, I don't think we've met before"
"Anyway" continued Pike "I thought Sulu was in charge of maintenance "
"The bathrooms are Janice Rand's territory"
"Who?" Asked Pike
"Some chick Jim hired. I don't remember the last time she showed up for work" Answered McCoy
"Does Nyota work hir too?" asked Chekov
"Yes actually…"
"Guys!" Yelled Jim "Did anything happen when I was in the toilets?"
"Zis guy came out who looked just like you eend called himself Tiberius…" said Chekov bouncing up and down a little
"And he was wearing a really gaudy vest, I don't even think it was ironic" commented Sulu
"And he actually recognizes that Chris isn't your dad" Both Kirk and Pike protested loudly at this one but Nyota didn't pay them any heed.
"He must be from the other universe in the bathroom. It's awful you guys! The place is a dump, we serve drugs as well as coffee, there was a dead guy in the bathroom, Spock has a gross beard and they were playing Nickelback really loud." Said Jim. Spock shivered, he didn't like the idea of himself with a beard, his jawline was too nice for that.
"So I take it you didn't enjoy your time there in the Evil Universe" Uhura said this in a mock spooky voice.
"It was evil! They even self identify as evil. Go over there and look at the menu. It says "Evil Espresso", "Evil Macchiato", "Evil Chia Tea Latte"…you get the picture"
"Well we're glad to have you back Jim…I mean as our boss of course, the shop would suffer without you…and…um…I'm sorry for earlier"
"Its ok Spock, just as long as you know that all I ever want to do is help you"
"Oh for crying out loud would you guys just kiss already?" Blurted McCoy. As soon as he said this the door opened to reveal none other than their old enemy Khan Noonien Singh.
"I am here! As I am a man of honor I shall take your punishment. I have come to sing karaoke."
"Oh good, we've got some songs lined up for you" Grinned Kirk
"Such as?"
"You like Britney Spears, right Khan?"