The Coffee Shop Enterprise
Chapter 3
The Undiscovered Customer
"These are the voyages of the Coffee Shop Enterprise. If our parents continue to support us we will explore new blends, seek out new clientele and boldly go where no one has gone before…because how totally mainstream would it be to go where everyone else had gone before?"
"Laddy, I think ye got the right idea but ye sound pretty unprofessional."
"I was going for edgy," said Jim trying to conceal his disappointment that Scotty was clearly unimpressed
"That is where people make their worst mistakes. Ye cannae sound more desperate than when your trying to be edgy."
"Bones what do you think?"
"I'm a doctor not an advertising executive!"
"Spock, your opinion?"
"Why do you insist on soliciting my feedback on matters that you have clearly made up your mind about?"
Kirk smiled, that remark was so dang…well so dang Spock he couldn't help it. All he said was; "Gives me emotional security"
"I think its pretty lame," said Uhura as she strolled past on her way to the bathroom
"No one asked you." Said Kirk "Though since you're my number one critic I do like hearing from you too. Once I manage to do something that you can't snark at I will know that I have achieved my purpose in life." Uhura smiled a little at this and walked into the Ladies Room
"Hey Nyota, be careful in there!" Once the door closed he sighed. "I just feel like we need a reboot"
"Didn't we just reboot it?" Asked Scotty
"We need to re-re-boot it or something"
"Maybe we need to return to our original image. Funkier, more idiosyncratic."
"I just feel like right now we're very generic and…"
"Damn it Jim! Stop being meta and focus on your product, this conversation doesn't even make sense"
"Hey you're the one who said meta, that officially makes you the one being meta here" Jim stopped and slung the towel he'd been using over his shoulder "Did I just blow your mind right there?"
"No, you just proved that you took media studies before you got kicked out of Starfleet U."
"You're right, I just suppose I'm in kind of a funk."
"You know what's good for that?" chimed in Sulu "Medical marijuana, In And Out Burger, and Extreme Space Hoarders. Chris still has a pretty good sized stash right?"
"I think so"
"Well what are you waiting for?" Asked Hikaru
"Bones, Spock, are you guys coming? Someone want to duck into the ladies and see if Uhura wants to come? Also make sure she hasn't been sucked into a parallel universe"
"I'm sick of Space Hoarders. Can we watch Craziest Bat'leth accidents?" Responded Bones "And before you say anything Spock no we are not going to look up "sehlats mating" on YouTube again"
"What about cheesy Romulan soap operas?" asked Sulu "I got a bunch of bootleg dvd's that I burned from this friend of mine who went hitchhiking around the Neutral Zone."
"You do realize that those shows you watch are not soap operas." Spock pointed out "To Romulans they is not "cheesy" or over the top but in fact are considered understated dramas."
"Well whatever they are lets go watch some!" Yelled Jim as he led his friends toward the door.
"Who's going to watch the store lad?"
"You want to make some extra cash Scotty?"
"I donne know how to work the espresso machine, I just do the bookkeeping."
"Just tell people its broken." Said Sulu "That's what I do when I'm too hi…I mean when I um…forget how it works…that happens sometimes. I have a learning disability…"
"Yeah sure you do Hikaru" McCoy put his thumb and index finger together directly in front of his mouth and inhaled audibly
"Right Len, because you always make really great lifestyle choices"
"Also Leonard, your errors are compounded by your being a poor role model for the young people you associate with" Spock's face did nothing to clarify whether or not this was meant to be sarcastic but regardless McCoy growled something and grabbed Spock in an affectionate headlock before ruffling his hair and letting him go.
"The nerve of you Spock." Cried Jim "Bones is a great role model"
"Also if we're going to play that game I can think of an allegedly responsible adult who's done a lot more damage." Responded the doctor
"I just want to make it clear that I did not introduce any of these boys to scotch, they found that all on their own."
"No Scotty, I was talking about…" Bones point towards the ceiling and the offices of the company's owner.
"Chris? Are you kidding?"
"He's the one we're getting the weed from for this afternoon's bout of slaking"
"You sound like my mom" grumbled Jim
"Who left the guy, for a reason Jim" Kirk didn't really know how to respond to that and didn't have to because an exceedingly flustered Chekov came running in at that moment.
"Out of my way, out of my way! I heev important information!"
"Chekov what is it?" The kid looked nervously from Kirk to Spock and back again
"You're not goink to like zis"
vvvvvvvvv
Jim walked up the stairs that lead to the rooms upstairs where Chris and Scotty worked when they were actually working. He had his own office but he'd only insisted on it to impress Uhura and since it hadn't worked he now just used the room for storage. As he approached his stepfather's office he heard the tail end of a phone conversation through the half open door
"Oh so you're suggesting that you actually managed to trade down from me? Is that what you're saying" This was followed by a pause
"So George Kirk, I'm sorry Saint George Kirk dies on you in the most noble fashion of course and on the rebound you marry this looser and then after you've divorced this guy you actually manage to find yourself a bigger looser! Congratulations you found yourself a bigger looser than Christopher Pike! The way you talk about me I could have sworn that wasn't possible but you did it!"
There was another long pause before Pike responded in a very different tone "I'm sorry Winona, I didn't mean it. Of course I'm not happy that you're getting divorced. Should I tell Jim?...How is he? He's great; he's working on some kind of new marketing campaign for the store..." There was another pause "Girlfriend? No, he's got a boyfriend actually…well I think so. It's not Facebook official or anything but everyone else says they're a couple. A Vulcan called Spock. He's quiet and sort of weird, but he's a nice kid…yeah I didn't think so either." Another period of silence "Well bye Winona, I'll talk to you later…love you" At this point Jim was trying to process the conflicting reactions and emotions that this conversation was producing when Pike opened the door almost hitting him.
"God I'm sorry. I didn't see you there…um…how much of that did you hear?"
"The part where mom is getting a divorce from Frank."
"Mmhm…" Christopher made a very noncommittal sound waiting for Jim to say something else
"And the part where you said Spock was weird, he's not weird he's just from another planet!"
"Jim…"
"No one understands him!" Blurted out Kirk. His stepfather put up his hands in a defensive gesture.
"Jim, I'm sorry I insulted your boyfriend…I like him, I really do."
"He's not my boyfriend"
"But all your friends seem to think…never mind. Son, what you do with your sex life is your business as long as you remember two things, there is no known cure for Andorian herpes and your mother and I are too young to be grandparents. Why did you come up here in the first place, aside from eavesdropping?"
"You are totally old enough to be a grandfather, chicks may buy that line about you being 51 but I know better, I've seen your passport. As to why I'm up here…I thought I should tell you…um…Nero's back in town."
"WHAT?" Jim knew that this wasn't going to be pretty. Nero was a Romulan who owned a couple of nightclubs in downtown San Francisco. He was primarily known for his penchant for property damage and unfortunate facial tattoos. Last year one of his cocaine fuelled benders had ended in his running over Christopher three or four times and claiming it had something to do with his dead wife. His wife of course turned out to be very much alive and sued him for divorce.
"How is Nero back in town? I thought he got a 25 year sentence?"
"Well it turns out that the guy who ran you over was Future!Nero…oh you can't tell because I said that but that was an exclamation mark tag…"
"What?"
"You know like alwaysagirl!Kirk"
"Is there something you need to tell me, son?"
"The point is that that Nero is from the future and he is still in prison but this Nero is from this time and according to Spock you can't be tried twice for the same crime so…" Chris nodded pensively and Kirk was hopeful that this might not be a problem, until his stepfather actually responded
"Fine then, I'm just going to have to run him over."
vvvvvvvvvv
"So you managed to talk Chris out of committing vehicular homicide and you got that Horta out of the bathroom, nice" Congratulated McCoy as he counted the money in the till.
"That's why they call me The Captain"
"But no one calls you that." Asked Spock, genuinely puzzled
"Wouldn't it be cool if they did, besides I want a cool nickname like yours Bones"
"Well hate to break it to you kid, but you don't get to choose your nickname"
"I would still have liked to keep the Horta. She could have been our mascot" Spock asked rather wistfully. Jim made sure to look away from his Vulcan manager to avoid the puppy dog eyes he knew were being turned on him.
"Damn it man she spit acid at two of our costumers who tried to go in there! You're only sticking up for her because you claim she loved your ears" Spock blushed green and Jim was just about to say that everyone loved Spock's ears but stopped when he realized that this was probably the reason that everyone thought that they were dating. Not that he minded himself of course, he just didn't want Spock to hear anything from Chris and think that Jim had been talking about him like a conquest. Bones interrupted his thoughts;
"Hey Jim…McCoy to Kirk!"
"Kirk here"
"How did you get Chris to give up his desire for revenge?"
"I had Sulu get him really stoned so now he's completely confused."
"Excuse me" interjected Spock "But is that not rather a temporary solution?"
"Of course it is but we have to buy some time while we try and think about what to do about Nero"
"Is it necessary to do anything about Nero since in this incarnation he has committed no offense."
"I don't care what timeline this is, he's still the asshole who ran over Chris. Also I don't want my stepdad to do something stupid and get in trouble." McCoy rolled his eyes
"And what was I saying earlier about bad role models?" Jim glared at him
"Alright, hold your horses Jimmy boy. I'm on your side here. Also I might know something about a certain illegal substance that you can buy at the establishments he owns…a certain blue substance. So if you wanted to call up a certain white Indian health inspector who we are still in a position to blackmail…"
"Bones you're a miracle worker!" exclaimed Jim
"Well I don't know about that…but hey what do ya know. I finally get the last word!"