When I woke up several hours later, Maura had left the bed. There was a pile of clothes from her closet on the chair across the room, and several boxes of shoes under the chair and next to it. I realized that Maura had been quite productive while I had been sleeping, and I felt bad that I'd fallen asleep and didn't keep her company like she originally wanted. I could hear her downstairs in the kitchen, cooking and humming along to the radio. She paused whatever she was humming to talk to the tortoises.
"Well, look who ventured out from the heat lamp. I guess that's a sure sign that spring is on the way! How are you, Bass? Are you standing up to Acantha now? I notice she doesn't eat all of your strawberries anymore."
Bass must have continued ambling on his way, because I heard his shell knock into one of the high chairs around the island in the kitchen, and Maura mumbled an amused "clumsy fellow" at him.
"And you, Acantha? Are you looking for your mommy?" I heard Acantha hiss back at Maura.
I chuckled softly. I really did not pay enough attention to that tortoise. It was endearing how much Maura did, despite the tortoise's unpleasant personality.
I stayed in bed for a little while, content to just listen to Maura downstairs while she was so happy. I took stock of my aches and pains, and they were definitely more tolerable than they had been earlier in the day. After a few minutes, I got up, grabbed my crutches, and started to make my way downstairs to her.
Halfway down the stairs, I expected Maura to show up, coming to meet me. I could hear her in the kitchen though, continuing to cook. I was determined to make it down safely, on my own, and not disturb her from what she was doing. I didn't mind her help, and in actuality I loved having her arm wrap around me, but I just wanted to be able to make it downstairs on my own.
I gave a satisfied grunt when I made it to the foot of the stairs. I'd done it, and I didn't even have to stop and rest. Take that, stairs, I thought with a grin.
"Hello sleepyhead. Did you have a nice nap?" Maura asked as I made my way into the kitchen.
I wrapped my arms around her waist as she swayed gently to the radio while standing in front of the stove. She hummed in contentment when I kissed the side of her neck.
"Darn it, you heard me coming, didn't you!" I joked with her, fully knowing that I sounded like an elephant coming down the stairs, and had no hope of surprising her.
"You're going to have to work on your sneaking up skills," she said playfully.
"It's hard to be stealthy like a ninja when you've got these crutches to make all that noise."
"But you made it down them by yourself," she said proudly.
"And you didn't come to check on me?" I asked as I realized what had just transpired.
"I figured you'd ask for help if you really needed it," she shrugged against me gently.
In that moment I was so grateful to her. She knew how fiercely independent I was before this accident happened, and I knew how protective of me she had become since I'd been hurt. But in that moment, she was giving me a shred of my independence back, and I loved her for it. I loved her for being there for me whenever I needed her, but trusting me enough to know I'd ask for help if I needed it. I imagined how much self-restraint she must have used to keep herself in front of the stove and not at the foot of the stairs, watching me and ready to run up and help if I so much as wobbled. She believed in me and my abilities, and it made me not only feel proud that I'd done the stairs alone, but also that she had that much confidence in me.
"I love you, did you know that?" I asked her.
"I do know that, but I'll never get tired of hearing it," she said sweetly.
I stood there with her, feeling her sway to the song on the radio, while she stirred our dinner with my arms still wrapped around her waist, my chin on her shoulder.
"Whatcha making?" I asked against her ear.
"Soup and salads. We never went to the market and I had planned on grocery shopping tomorrow. All I really had was some canned tomato soup and the makings for a crisp salad. I would have been better prepared for your arrival if I'd known you were coming home this weekend." Maura's tone was not harsh, but I could tell that she continued to feel unprepared for my unscheduled arrival back at home. I felt bad for surprising her like I had, but I knew that even she understood the circumstances that would not allow me to stay in that rehab any longer.
"I'm glad you didn't know. Then you couldn't go crazy preparing. You would have worried about it, I'm sure." My arms were still wrapped around her, and I kissed her cheek.
"I would have tried to make it perfect for you," Maura countered.
"You make it perfect just by being here, Maura. I'm glad I got to come home. I'm glad that home is where you are, with you."
She turned around in my arms and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. We had gone from kissing to Maura having her hands under my shirt when the back door swung open.
"Oh! Oh! You two!" Ma screeched, covering her eyes and turning away from us.
"Ma!" I yelled, pulling away from Maura, who turned back to the stove to take the soup off, her face a bright shade of red. "What did I tell you about knocking? We just talked about that this morning! Did you forget already?"
"What? No! I was just here and told Maura I had a loaf of Italian bread to make garlic bread with, and I would run over and get it. I didn't know you were going to wake up and start groping each other in the ten minutes I was gone!" Ma's tone was defensive, and I was instantly contrite.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't know you were joining us for dinner." I was doubly embarrassed then, both by being caught by my mother and then yelling at her for showing up when I thought she'd barged in, but really hadn't.
"Do you mind, Jane?" Maura asked me.
"Not at all. It'll be great to eat with you both. Let me help you with the garlic bread," I said, gesturing to my mother to hand me the loaf in her hands.
Maura gave me a sweet smile and Ma grunted as I took the bread from her.
"How was your day?" I asked Ma, trying to distract her from what she just walked in on.
"Good. I invited everyone over for tomorrow, and they all said they would be here. Maura and I put the leaf in the table while you were sleeping, to make room for Sean and TJ. And I went to the store and picked up the ingredients to make gnocchi. I'd love it if you would help me make them in the morning," Ma hinted.
"Sure. It's been a long time since we made gnocchi together." I was looking forward to doing that with my mother. It had always been such a sweet pastime for the two of us, after she'd taught me how to make them using her grandmother's secret recipe.
"I know. You didn't forget the recipe, did you?" Ma was being sarcastic, and I know her intention was not to hurt me, but her words cut like a knife.
"I did not forget anyone, or anything, when I went to New York. If anything, the memories of all of you were amplified while I was there." My response was dangerously quiet, the way I got when I was ready to lash out. "I don't know how you could even joke about that," I growled.
Maura swung around to look at me when she heard the tone of my voice, and Ma cringed, instantly defensive.
"Janie, I didn't mean-"
"Ma, I know you didn't mean anything by what you just said. But you have to understand something: I was suffering long before I got hurt on that train. I spent a year and a half watching Maura love someone that wasn't me, trying to make sure she was happy and taken care of even though it killed me to do it. And I spent six miserable months in New York, in complete isolation from the people I loved, because seeing you all happy while I was so sad was like torture to me. But not one single day didn't go by without me thinking about all of you. You all thought I abandoned you, and in a way, I did. But you all abandoned me too. I spent half a year there, and not one of you came to find me. Not one of you reached out to see what was wrong or why I really left, even though you all knew deep down it wasn't for the money. Not one of you ever thought to question why I picked up and ran away, or why I would stay away for so long. You just let me go, and were angry at me for leaving you. That hurts more than all of my physical injuries combined!"
"Jane, I'm sorry," Ma said, stepping forward to hug me.
I turned away from her, avoiding her embrace. "So do you understand why I get so angry when you make jokes like that? Thinking that I would forget the people and the things that are the most important to me?"
"I do now, and I'm sorry," Ma said quietly, doubly dejected by my refusal to let her touch me.
"You just stayed mad at me for so long!" I yelled, not even realizing it. "You were mad at me even when I woke up, when I couldn't face Maura. And you hid everything that happened to her from me! You took her side in all of this. I'm your daughter! I know you love her, as much as I love her, but why, Ma? Why didn't you see what was happening? Why didn't you care?!"
"I thought you were being selfish and stubborn, Jane. You told me you were leaving because they offered you a job for more money. I didn't know it was because you loved Maura and couldn't watch her get married. Ididn'tknow." She wiped at her eyes hastily, with the back of her hand, much the same way I usually did when I was upset but didn't want someone to see me cry.
"You were right when you told me I didn't know the half of it. I'm sorry I didn't. I let you go because I was angry with you. But you're right, I should have reached out. I didn't, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that it took you getting so hurt for me to realize that you needed me. And I'm sorry I pushed you so hard in the beginning to make things right with Maura. I'm sorry, Jane."
Maura had taken the soup off of the stove and was standing in the corner of the kitchen, sobbing quietly as she watched the exchange between my mother and I. Ma stood between us, watching us both cry while she cried herself. She looked torn about which one of us to grab first.
"Maura," I rasped, and held an arm out to her. She just stayed in the corner, and wrapped her arms around herself while she sobbed. "Maura!" I cried again, and she finally crossed over to me. I wrapped her up tight, in my arms, my heart breaking with each new sob that she let out. I had already made my peace with Maura, but my tirade with my mother had just reopened all those wounds, for all of us.
"Ma," I said, reaching out for her too. She wrapped us both up in her arms.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to us both. "I'm so sorry. Please know that I love you both. I would do anything for you. Long before all of this, I considered Maura my daughter too. Now our family is stronger than it ever was before. But I'm sorry for letting you down, Jane. I am so sorry."
We stood there for a few minutes, with Ma rocking us back and forth like we were babies. When Maura's sobs began to subside, I pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"I'm sorry, Maura. You and I made our peace. I didn't mean for you to be so upset. I didn't mean for you to think that my anger was directed at you. I'm sorry I upset you."
"I just hate seeing you so angry and hurt, Jane. I'm sorry I never went after you in New York. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what happened as it was happening. I'm sorry for everything," Maura said hoarsely.
"We're okay, Maura. Please don't be so upset. Please. And Ma, I'm sorry too. I don't know why I reacted like that. You never meant anything by what you said, and I, well, I overreacted. I've been doing that a lot lately. I've noticed it, and I'm sure you have too. I'm working on that, but I'm sorry for how I treated you both just now."
"You reacted like that because you had unresolved feelings that needed to be acknowledged," Ma said to me gently. "I understand now where you're coming from. I really mean it that I'm sorry, Jane. I'm going to try and be a better mother to you. I'm not going to let you go through anything like that again on your own."
"You've always been a good mother." I meant it, when I said that to her. I hoped she understood that. "You smother me sometimes, and sometimes you push me to do things I don't want to do, but always had good intentions when you do the things you do. You love me, and you show me that every day. You've always been a good mother."
"I love you girls. I love you both so much," Ma said as she squeezed us. "You're my family and you mean the world to me."
"I love you too," Maura and I replied to her in unison.
"Go get cleaned up. I'll make us some garlic bread and put the soup and salad into bowls," Ma said, gently shooing us away. I could tell she needed a minute herself.
We nodded, and I walked with Maura over to the bathroom that she had off of her dining room. The one usually reserved for guests, where I had hidden Paddy Doyle's sketch of Hope Martin all those years before. Maura closed the door behind us, and I put the lid down on the toilet so I could sit.
"I'm sorry," I said to her as she removed a facecloth from under the sink and wet it under the faucet.
"You have no reason to be sorry. You were honest. You spoke your feelings," Maura said genuinely. "You need to do more of that, you know. You can't keep things like that bottled up."
"And I hurt you when I said those things," I pointed out. "I meant it when I said I'm trying to get better with that stuff. My intention wasn't to hurt you."
"No, I know that it wasn't your intention. You just made me more aware of the truth, Jane. I'm not mad at you. You should know that," Maura said as she washed her face with the facecloth.
"I don't know why I reacted like that. I don't like that I was so mean to my mother," I answered, genuinely puzzled. I really felt like I'd had no control over what was coming out of my mouth as I had yelled at my mother. It was spewing out of me with little thought and absolutely no control.
"You apologized, and she apologized for hurting you. I think you're both okay," Maura reassured me quietly.
"But why did I yell like that?"
"Because you've got years' worth of pent up hurt and resentment, and it makes its way out sometimes?" Maura said with a shrug. "It happens to everyone."
"And if I don't get it under control, I'm going to continue to hurt the people around me," I said, resentment filling my voice.
"I would agree that there was probably a better way to go about expressing your feelings, but what's important here is that you opened up, and you resolved something that was bothering you, even if you didn't know it was bothering you," Maura said, stepping toward me with the facecloth. She started wiping my face.
"I can do that," I mumbled, my speech garbled by Maura's use of the cloth on my face.
"Please let me, it makes me feel useful," she said quietly.
"When have you ever not been useful?" I asked her, resting my hands on her hips as she bent over to wash my face.
"I can think of a two month span where I felt pretty useless while you were in Hartford, comatose," she said bitterly.
"You were not useless. I know you were not just sitting around, doing nothing. You went to Hell and back to save me," I said with conviction. I'd gotten a glimpse of the Maura that had been around while I was in a coma a few days earlier at the rehab, as she had ripped into the staff there for not keeping me safe.
"The waiting was the worst part," Maura said quietly, interrupting my thoughts. "I wanted to help. I wanted to make sure you were all right, but all we could do was wait for them to say your brain wasn't swelling, and for your injuries to start healing. When they told us you were out of the woods as far as your head injury and your infection, all of us were elated. But then they told us they were going to keep you sedated while the rest of your injuries started to heal, and it was like they had taken away all the hope they had just given us. It was like some terrifying rollercoaster and there was no end in sight to the ride. Every time they told us about one area where you were making improvement, they warned us about something else that could go wrong."
Maura had stopped wiping my face and was now wringing the damp facecloth between her hands in nervousness.
"I'm sorry, Maura. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for all of you. I don't know what I would have done if it was you in that bed instead of me. I don't think I would have known what to do, or who to go to for help. Thank you for being there. Thank you for saving me."
"Since I couldn't be there with you in person, I used to talk to you, as if you were here with me," Maura continued quietly, almost as if she hadn't heard my thanks. "There'd been a time, for a few weeks, when your mother didn't want me there. I'd gone out of my way to make sure she had no power to take you off of life support, and until she understood that you were going to be all right, she was rather angry with me. That, and I'd missed so much work already, that I couldn't go down to Hartford again right away. So instead, I talked to you from here. I know it sounds silly. But I'd tell you that if you'd just wake up, and be all right, we'd find a way to work things out between us. I used to tell you that I loved you, and if you opened your eyes, I'd finally tell you that in person." Maura sighed, her eyes starting to well up again at the memories.
I raised a hand and cupped her cheek. "You kept your promises, Maura."
Maura gave me a weak smile as she continued speaking. "It was pathetic. I can't imagine what people would have thought of me if they'd heard me talking to you, as if you were there with me. I mean, you couldn't hear me. We weren't even in the same state, let alone the same room. I think I did it just to give myself hope. Hope of what could be if I had a second chance with you. I wouldn't let myself think of what I would do if you rejected me. I was so afraid you'd think you were my second choice."
"I honestly think that if you'd come to me right after William walked out, I would have thought that. But you've more than proven that you love me, Maura. I'm not concerned with who was your first choice," I said reassuringly.
"You always were though. I tried to take the easy way out with William. I loved him, Jane. But I loved you first, and I should have let you know that. I should have been braver. I should have pursued you, instead of him."
I returned the weak smile Maura had given me moments earlier. "I should have let you know, too."
There was a knock on the door. "Girls?" Ma asked quietly. "Are you all right in there?"
Maura opened the door and smiled at Ma.
"Yes. We seem to have these heart to heart conversations in the oddest places sometimes," Maura said with a stifled laugh as she handed Ma the facecloth to wash her face.
For a moment after my mother finished cleaning up, we stood there awkwardly. None of us knew what more to say.
Then my stomach growled.
"That's a sign that we need to sit down and eat," Ma said, and she held her hands out to me to help pull me up off the toilet lid.
I didn't hesitate to take them and let her lead me out, an arm around my waist.
"I meant what I said, Ma. You've always been a good mother. I really am sorry for saying what I did," I whispered to her as we made our way back to the kitchen.
"You don't have to be sorry for speaking the truth Janie," Ma whispered back. "Just know that I will never let you walk away like that again. Ever. You're my daughter. I love you."
She pecked my cheek as she helped me into one of the tall chairs around the island in the kitchen. Maura took the seat next to me, holding my hand, and Ma set steaming bowls of cream of tomato soup in front of all of us.
"Mmm," Maura said after her first spoonful.
"If there was ever a night for comfort food, this is it," Ma remarked.
"I'm glad I get to share it with the two of you," I said, as I dug into my own food. It was true. I was glad. And lucky. And thankful for the two women in the room with me. I had no idea where I'd be without them.
A/N: Thank you CharlietheCAG. You're always such a terrific super-ninja-beta. ;)