A/N: Trigger warning: extraordinarily brief mention of suicide in this chapter. And I mean brief.
At some point during the night I had finally dozed off, but I hadn't slept well. I woke up the next morning well before the alarm and could hardly move. Maura felt me shift in discomfort next to her and opened her eyes.
"What's wrong, beautiful?" she asked sleepily. I wondered if she'd just called me beautiful reflexively, because she was still half asleep, or if she had consciously gone back to using terms of endearment with me. I got my answer when she rolled over and opened her eyes. She looked relieved to wake up with me still in the bed with her. My heart melted whenever she called me beautiful, but my heart broke at the idea that she'd wake up worried I'd be gone again.
"Nothing. You should go back to sleep. It's early yet," I whispered to her, pulling her closer to me and kissing her forehead.
Maura wrapped an arm around my back and just the gentle placement of her hand there caused me to cry out involuntarily. Maura shot up, concern written all over her face.
"Jane, what is it?"
"I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm a little sore." I tried to play down just how sore I was, but truthfully I hadn't been that sore since the early months of my recovery. I had no idea how I was going to be able to do a full physical therapy that morning. I wasn't even sure I could sit up at that point.
"Oh my god, we never iced your back and your hip last night! Let me see it," Maura commanded, suddenly wide awake and worried again.
I tried to roll over, and all I could do was groan in pain. Something was really wrong. Maura got up and out of the bed, and walked around to my side. Gently she lifted the back of my shirt up, then she pulled the waistband of my pants away.
"Oh no, Jane," she whispered. "You need to be seen in an emergency room."
The bruise on my back and hip had spread overnight and had turned a bluish green color. It was horribly tender to the touch, and swollen around my hip. I didn't think I was going to be able to stand up, much less make it downstairs and into Maura's car to go to an emergency room.
"It's just a black and blue, Maura." I said it as much for myself as I did for her. I didn't want to think of what would happen to my work prospects if I was having some kind of a setback.
"It's not, Jane. Contusions like this can mean many things, most of them concerning. There's swelling around the area of your lumbar fusion and on your hip. Your hip hardware may be out of place, or your vertebrae may be fractured again. I think it would be better if we called an ambulance and had them put you on a board. You may have a spinal injury."
"What? No Maura. No. It's not that bad. Look, I can get up just fine." I literally rolled myself off the bed toward her, and tried to stand up, but the pain brought me to my knees in front of her, gasping.
"Stop, Jane! Stop. You need to stay immobile!" Maura yelled nervously.
I stood up on shaky legs. "I don't have a spinal injury," I tried to reason with her. "If I did, wouldn't I have been this bad last night? Let's go to the rehab and have them x-ray me there. They have all my medical records. The ER isn't going to be able to do much for me."
Maura was pale and clearly scared. "Jane, I don't think-"
I interrupted her gently. "Please, Maura. Dr. Grossberg can assess me better than they can at the ER. I'm sure it's just a bruise."
Maura shook her head, but grabbed her cell phone to call her office. She put Dr. Pike on call for the day, something I knew both Frost and Korsak would not enjoy, and then left Susie Chang a message with further instructions. For all intents and purposes, Maura had just taken a personal day, and I knew how much she hated to use them.
"God, Maur, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I could ask Ma to take me to the rehab to get checked out."
Maura shook her head. "I'd prefer to take you. I want to make sure they thoroughly examine you. I'd prefer to take you to an emergency room, but I can tell you're opposed to the idea."
Maura pulled some clothes out of her bureau and went into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I followed her in slowly, and brushed my teeth. When she got out of the shower, I got in, and had to keep myself from crying out when the hot water hit my bruises. What if I'd caused a setback? What if I had a real, serious injury? It would be easy to blame Tommy for dropping me in the tub, but in reality it had been my own immature behavior that had caused the problem. I had to fight off tears as I showered.
By the time I got out of the shower, Maura had gotten dressed and was waiting for me. She helped me into my clothes, then down the stairs. The hot shower had helped to loosen me up a bit, and I didn't feel quite as miserable as I had when I woke up.
Maura walked up with me to the fifth floor, where Derrick was waiting for me. Quietly I explained to him the problem, and he looked both concerned and disappointed when I told him I didn't think I could do therapy that day. He agreed, and walked over to his office to call Dr. Grossberg.
"She says go on down to see her," Derrick said when he returned. "Be careful, Detective. We still have a ways to go yet, and you can't fall behind now."
Derrick's words had never been so true. Maura pursed her lips and I nodded as we made our way down to see Dr. Grossberg.
Dr. Grossberg was absolutely livid with me, and by extension, with Tommy. She had my back and hip x-rayed, and while we were waiting for the digital films to come up in the system, she sat me down and lectured me about "horseplay" and how ridiculous it was that I'd endanger my progress when she'd just reduced my therapy schedule not four days prior.
Stupidly, I tried to argue with her, telling her that Tommy had dumped me in the tub because I'd refused to move off his couch for three days, and that I wasn't really horsing around with him. That led to questions about why I was holed up on the couch for three days, which then led to me being sent down to see Dr. Gilfried once my x-rays came back clear. On my way out, Dr. Grossberg told me I'd be off physical therapy for the rest of the week, until the bruising started to clear up and the swelling went down. I nearly punched the doorframe in anger, until I realized that not only would that be counterproductive, it would be another stupid move in front of Dr. Grossberg.
Dr. Gilfried seemed shocked to see me, and even more surprised when Maura came in with me to my impromptu session.
"Jane, I was surprised when Dr. Grossberg called me. Is everything all right?" she asked as we made our way in, and I sat down on the couch.
Maura came right in and sat down right next to me, practically on top of me. I was unprepared for Maura to stay for the session, but it appeared that she had no intention of leaving. And since part of the problem I'd had that weekend was running away from Maura and not trusting her enough with my feelings, asking her to leave seemed wrong. I looked from Maura to Dr. Gilfried and finally answered her question.
"I think everything is sort of okay right now, but I had a bad weekend and caused a lot of people, including Maura, well, especially Maura, a lot of pain."
"Tell me what happened," Dr. Gilfried said gently.
"I left here on Friday and Maura surprised me by picking me up. I was telling her about how my therapy schedules had changed and I'd been cleared to go back to work on desk duty two days a week. While I was telling her, she got a call to go to a crime scene. Since we were going to pass by the crime scene on our way home, I asked her just to take me with her. I promised I would not interfere with her work and would just stay near the car. While I was waiting, a new detective came walking up the block. He told me he was new to Boston Homicide, and he'd been called in to take the place of 'some chick that left'."
I stopped and took a deep breath, rubbing my palms on my sweatpants. I ached all over physically, but emotionally I ached even more.
"I figured that chick he replaced was me, and I got very upset that no one told me my position in homicide had been filled. I was devastated because I thought they were holding a position open for me, and then everyone I knew and trusted kept it hidden from me. I completely overreacted and had a uniform drive me over to my brother Tommy's place. I spent the next three days pretty much catatonic on his couch, except for when Maura came over and tried to explain, and I wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise."
"It took my lieutenant coming over to talk to me for me to find out that I hadn't been replaced, and that I am actually supposed to start limited desk duty on Thursday of this week. I shut everyone out this weekend, and worst of all, I never gave Maura the benefit of the doubt. I thought she was hiding something from me, which I should know she would never do, and I never even gave her a chance to explain herself."
Dr. Gilfried looked from me to Maura and then back again.
"I did apologize to Maura, but she and I haven't really talked about what I did," I added.
It dawned on me at that moment that I felt like I was sitting in confession. Dr. Gilfried was the priest and Maura, well Maura could have been God. It wasn't just the way I worshipped Maura, because I really did. It was also the fact that forgiveness had to come from Maura even though it was Dr. Gilfried that was hearing my confession.
Dr. Gilfried looked to Maura. "Are you all right, Doctor Isles?"
"Yes, I am now, for the most part. I was very upset by Jane's behavior and it was a difficult three days for me, but Jane has sincerely apologized, and I accepted her apology. I've asked her to stop running away and shutting me out when she feels there's a problem, and she agrees that it is a problem and that she will work on it."
"That does seem to be an issue, Jane," Dr. Gilfried said gently. "You ran away to New York, and this past weekend you ran away to your brother's home."
"I'm starting to understand that, yes. And I did tell Maura that I was going to work on that. And Maura told me if we're going to stay in a relationship I have to trust her more."
"Don't you trust her, Jane?" Dr. Gilfried looked puzzled.
"I do. I really do. I would trust her with my life. She's saved it enough times. So that's why I don't understand why I get scared of trusting her with my emotions. I really don't know why I didn't just ask you what was going on, Maura. I'm really sorry for that. I was completely irrational. It doesn't make up for how I reacted, and it's just an excuse, but I wasn't thinking clearly at all, and I'm really sorry. I behaved worse than a cranky toddler."
"I accept your apology again," Maura said with a gentle smile. "You apologized last night, and I think I told you then that you were forgiven. I'd rather you not continue to apologize, but instead try to avoid doing what you did ever again."
I grinned at the memory of Maura's forgiveness last night, but Dr. Gilfried interrupted my thoughts.
"It's good that you've apologized, but Maura makes a good point. How are you going to stop that from happening again in the future?"
"I'm going to have to work on thinking before I speak or act. I'm going to have to remember that Maura loves me and wouldn't hurt me. I'm going to have to remember to ask about situations I'm not sure about, and get to the bottom of things like a good detective would, instead of running from what hurts me. Mostly I have to remember how much Maura has done for me and how much she cares about me, and treat her much better than I have lately."
"These are all good things, but I think the two of you need to also work on some trust building together. What can you do together that would help build trust between you?"
I looked at Maura. I sure hoped she had some ideas because I had none. I really felt like I already trusted her, but my behavior that weekend had told me I needed to work on that. Maura looked at me and waited for me to make a suggestion. I was suddenly afraid that she would get mad when she realized I couldn't think of anything.
"How about we go on one of those team retreat things?" Maura suggested suddenly, and I exhaled in relief.
"Those retreats require a lot of physical activity, and unfortunately Jane isn't really up to that yet. But I have some ideas I think you could try," Dr. Gilfried said cheerfully.
"Okay," Maura and I said simultaneously.
"First, there's an eye contact exercise you can try. Stand up about a foot apart from one another. Don't touch each other. Maintain eye contact with one another without smiling or laughing or talking for one full minute. Then, after the minute is over, step closer and do the same exercise again. After that minute is over, step about three feet apart and do the same thing again."
"I'm not opposed to trying it, but what does that accomplish, exactly?" I asked, confused. Maura and I regularly had eyesex, I doubted I'd be able to do the exercise without cracking up or outright initiating sex.
"The change in distance between you is supposed to change the intensity of the eye contact, and the longer you hold eye contact, the more trust you build," Dr. Gilfried explained.
"Okay, it's worth a try," Maura said.
"I also want you to go to the opposite end of the spectrum. I want one of you to wear a blindfold and the other to walk through a small obstacle course in your house. Be very careful with that one though, because Jane shouldn't fall."
I looked over at Maura, but she was too busy looking at Dr. Gilfried to notice my raised eyebrow. I was definitely going to do my best to make sure I was serious during these exercises, but each one of them led me to think of some sort of sexual situation involving Maura and I. Maybe that was the end purpose anyway.
"Lastly, I want you each to tell the other a secret. Something deep and dark that you don't want shared with anyone else. Sharing your secret frees you from it, but also entrusts it into the other person, who must never use it against you and must never tell anyone else the secret."
I instantly started cataloging my secrets, trying to figure out which secret I'd tell Maura. It dawned on me that she knew most of them already. I was going to have to dig deep to find something to tell Maura. I wondered if I already knew all of her secrets already too. I tried to remember to ask her about that when we were in the car on the way home.
Dr. Gilfried finished up with us not long after giving us our assignments, and asked Maura to come back to the following week's session with me so we could talk about how it went.
Since I had no therapy for the rest of the week, and wasn't scheduled to start work until that Thursday, Maura took Tuesday and Wednesday off with me. It had been a while since the two of us had two days off together in a row, with no crime scenes for Maura to run off to. I wished I felt better, so we could go and do something, but the both of us needed a rest, and that's mainly what we wound up doing.
We were up in the bedroom on Tuesday when Maura suggested we try some of the exercises Dr. Gilfried had assigned to us. I agreed, not so much because I thought they would fix any trust issues I had, but simply because I wanted to show Maura I was willing to try to overcome any obstacles that were thrown at me, even if it was me that was throwing them at myself.
We started out about a foot apart from one another and tried to do the eye contact exercise. Maura and I were both serious when we started, but things quickly fell apart, and it wasn't even me that lost control first. We were less than fifteen seconds into our first go at it when Maura started to giggle. And the harder she tried to control herself, the more she giggled. Finally I started laughing too. After a laughing fit that left my sides sore and my bruised back aching, we both straightened up and tried again. We were just nearing the end of the one minute period when I stealthily stuck my hand out and poked Maura in the stomach. We both started laughing again, and I sank back on the bed as Maura attempted to chastise me in a serious tone. She failed miserably, and we just laughed even more. She collapsed onto the bed next to me, and we laid there with our foreheads touching.
"Maybe we should try the blindfold thing instead?" I asked Maura as she continued to laugh.
"I have to tell you," she said as she caught her breath, "I really couldn't keep my mind off of… inappropriate situations… when she told me about blindfolding you."
"Me either, but I was taking the session seriously. I swear," I said earnestly.
"I know. I was too," she said, and then poked me gently in the stomach, making me laugh again.
"Tell me your secret," I said to her as I watched her laugh.
"I honestly think you know all of my secrets," she said quietly, sobering quickly. "I mean, the love I felt for you was my biggest secret for so long, and I think you even knew about it, deep down, so it wasn't truly a secret."
"I did know, deep down. And for a long time that was my secret too. That I loved you, I mean."
"So you've no other secrets?" Maura asked, using one of her hands to cup my cheek. We were forehead to forehead on the bed, a position I wouldn't have minded spending the rest of my life in, as long as it was Maura's forehead I was pressed up against.
"Do you?" I asked her.
She grimaced.
"Tell me," I said quietly. "I won't judge you. I promise."
"A few days after I came home from the hospital, after my miscarriage, I very briefly considered suicide. I mean, it was fleeting, how quickly the idea came and went. It wasn't something I dwelled upon for a long time. It wasn't even something I dwelled upon for a few minutes. And I never gave it any further thought after I realized that's not what I wanted," she said quietly, looking down and not meeting my eyes.
"Oh Maura," I whispered, pulling her tightly against me. "I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't long after that though, that I realized I needed to get my life together and move on," she said, her voice a little stronger. "I guess it's true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom sometimes before you can get better."
"I'm glad you're okay," I said to her. "And I hope you're never in a situation like that again, when you feel like you can't go on anymore."
"It was just… it wasn't even a full minute's worth of contemplation," she said, trying to reassure me. "I just thought maybe it would be easier, instead of living life like the way I was. But then I realized immediately afterward that wasn't what I wanted, and that I still had my life to live, I just had to start living it again."
I kissed her softly. "I'm glad you realized that. I'm glad you're here. I love you so much."
"Tell me your secret," she said, leaning away from me just long enough to wipe her eyes.
"Well, I really don't have anything that dark that I could tell you, because you already know it all. Hoyt, the lows I sunk to when I was in New York, I already told you all of that. But I have a secret from my childhood that I could tell you. It's not deep, it's not dark, but it's still a secret. And it's horribly embarrassing."
"Okay," Maura said, smiling at me in encouragement.
"We were in church one Sunday, right after mass, and Ma and Pop were talking to another family, at the end of the pew where we had been sitting. Tommy, Frankie and I had each snuck a candy bar in with us to eat afterward. Our biggest complaints about church were that it was boring and we were always hungry for lunch as soon as we left, and Ma and Pop always felt the need to chit chat before we could actually go. Easter had been a few weeks prior to that and we each had those tiny, snack-size chocolate bars left from the holiday, so we each brought one with us in our pocket. Frankie had thought of it, and thought it was a genius idea. He was about six, I was about eight, and Tommy was just ready to turn three."
I stopped to see Maura smiling at me, the idea of a juicy Rizzoli childhood secret almost too much for her to handle.
"Well, the fact that they were in our pockets for so long made the chocolate bars all melted. And Tommy being a toddler, he dropped his candy bar as soon as he opened it, and we wouldn't let him eat it off the floor. Even at eight I knew you couldn't do that. So he started getting whiny and I knew my parents were going to hear him, so I tried to get Frankie to give Tommy his chocolate bar. And since Frankie wouldn't give it to him, I had to give him mine. Because if Tommy started crying, Ma and Pop would want to know why, and I'd end up having to take the blame for the chocolate in church even though it wasn't my idea."
"That was sweet of you, to give him yours," Maura said, kissing the tip of my nose lightly.
"Well, what I did after that wasn't sweet at all. Frankie and Tommy started gloating after that, that they'd had chocolate and I didn't. I was hungry, I was bored from being in church for so long, and I was eight. Even then I was very competitive, and also very vindictive."
"What did you do?" Maura asked, thrilled by the idea of some sort of childhood scandal.
"I can't believe I'm going to tell you this. I'm so ashamed, Maura. I was eight and should have known better."
"Just tell me. I promise not to judge you," she said seriously, repeating my words from earlier back to her.
"I stomped away to the empty confessional near the pew where we were sitting and I… oh god. I can't, Maura. I can't tell you."
"What?" Maura pressed. "Yes you can tell me. You were a little girl, Jane. I'm sure it's not something you'd do again as an adult," she reassured me.
I took a deep breath and looked up into Maura's eyes. She was so ready to hear this secret. I didn't want to disappoint her, even if I felt worse telling her this than admitting anything else to her.
"I pooped in it," I said in a mortified rush. "In the confessional. And then I called Frankie and Tommy over and showed it to them, all 'look what I found,' as if someone else had done it. And while they were over there, squealing about how gross it was, I yanked down Tommy's pants, and yelled to my parents that Frankie had told Tommy that the confessional was the bathroom, and look at what Tommy had done."
"Oh my god, Jane! That's so devious!" Maura said, but she was laughing.
"I can't believe I did that. I mean, who does that?" I said, embarrassed beyond anything I'd ever felt before.
"What did your parents say?" Maura asked.
"They were mortified too. They were on Tommy and Frankie faster than I could ever imagine, and both of them tried to deny it. It didn't help that Tommy had chocolate all over his hands from the chocolate bar he ate. I got in trouble for not watching them like I should have been, but they really got in trouble. To this day, Ma still doesn't believe Frankie when he says Tommy didn't do it. And Tommy was too young to really remember it at all."
Maura continued to laugh. "You are far smarter and far more devious than I sometimes give you credit for, Jane."
I was already blushing profusely, but at that point I couldn't even begin to look her in the eyes. She lifted my chin up anyway, and once again I was facing her. "You had an amazing childhood. Don't be ashamed of it. Not even that-," she paused, trying to control her laughter, "that incident in the confessional!"
Finally I started to laugh with her too. After a moment, I stopped laughing again. "I wonder if that's what Dr. Gilfried thought I would tell you when she said to share a secret to build trust."
"I don't think that's what Dr. Gilfried had in mind," Maura said when her laughter finally subsided.
I took both of her hands in mine and clasped them close to my chest. "I don't think so either. I'm no expert, but I think Dr. Gilfried may have misdiagnosed me. I do trust you, Maura. Completely. My reaction last weekend was due to my own insecurities, not insecurities about you. I'm so scared, Maura. I'm scared that I'll never be able to work like I used to ever again. I'm scared of disappointing my family and I'm scared of losing you."
"Oh Jane," Maura whispered. "You're never going to lose me. Having you here these last six months has been wonderful. I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep with you every night for the rest of my life. That's not contingent on you going back to work. No matter what happens with work, you and I are going to stay together."
"Do you really mean that, Maur?" I asked softly.
"Of course, Jane. Of all the things in the world to be afraid of, losing me isn't one of them. We've come too far. We'll never go back to the way things were before. My life with you is perfect, and I wouldn't ever look to change it."
Maura smiled at me warmly, and I let go of one of her hands so I could cup her cheek. "Thank you. For everything you've given me, not the least of which is your love. I have to ask though, did you mean the rest of it? The rest of your life part, I mean."
"Absolutely!" Maura said brightly.
"Would you marry me? Someday? When things are less uncertain and I've found some way to contribute to our household, I mean?"
"Are you proposing?" Maura asked, grinning.
"No, when the time comes, I'm going to do it the right way. I was just wondering if that would be something you'd want. I could understand if you didn't want that, because of the way things with William turned out."
"And Garrett," Maura said and then pursed her lips. "I don't have a very good track record when it comes to that, do I?"
"That's because they weren't the right ones for you," I reassured her.
"But you are," Maura said resolutely.
"I believe that I am, yes. Because you're so right for me, and you're my everything."
She leaned in to kiss me, and as we parted, she whispered "I would marry you. If you asked me to."
"I will. Someday. I promise."
She grinned at me, and I leaned in to kiss her again. We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon making love, Dr. Gilfried's exercises completely forgotten.
A/N: So, as I mentioned in the last chapter, the next update to this story will happen on Saturday, September 14. This is due to the fact that I'll be away on business next week (leaving on Sunday), and I simply won't have time to work on the edits and post during the normal schedule. It's an extraordinarily busy week for me (normally), and I won't be at a computer very much. I apologize for this. I know many of you look forward to the twice a week updates, and I apologize for not being able to maintain the schedule like normal. I hope you'll understand. The update schedule for the next few weeks will be:
Saturday, September 14
Wednesday, September 18
Sunday, September 22
Wednesday, September 25
and so on, until the story wraps up at chapter 58 (the epilogue).
Thank you for sticking with this story, and thank you for understanding about this one tiny blip on our otherwise very regular update radar. :)