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The lovely people that own South of Nowhere have not accepted my offer of a lifetime supply of bananas. So it is with a profound sadness that I tell you I do not own South of Nowhere. Yet. Dream big people!
1 Year Later
The morning rays brave the dark enclosure of my room trying to share some of their warmth and light with me as they sweep across my bedroom walls. I sigh as I search blindly for the long string I attached to extend the factory string on my black out shades. Aha! A quick tug sends the hopeful rays back to where they belong. Anywhere that is not my room. Hope doesn't live here anymore.
Not when I'm still trying to outrun a truth that finds me in my dreams every night. Every time I close my eyes I'm haunted. I'm scared you'll be there on the other side. Every time it's the same pleading eyes. On the worst nights or maybe it's the best nights you get to watch me die. My nights have become a slave to a past I ran away from. But you can't runaway from regret. It follows me everywhere I go. From that first cowardly step, a never ending weight that burdens my shoulders making it impossible to move on. It makes the falling tears relentless and I drown, I slip away under their current, always that weight dragging me down.
"Spence get up you're going to be late!" My room mate Stacy shouts through my bedroom door interrupting my morning ritual of self loathing.
I ignore her as usual. Lord knows I'm not moving without a little help today. I sigh as I roll over onto my stomach burying my head into my fluffy pillows. Actually, I don't think God knows much of anything lately, not nearly as much as my best friend Cuervo. What used to be a constant comfort in my life has become an overwhelming shame. I wont find any answers or comfort in a God that would ignore her screams and let that happen to her. Apparently not everyone is worthy of His mercy and I deserve less than most. The bar is open later than the church anyway.
I should have stopped them. Done something, anything. And thats one of the truths I runaway from every night. I huff into my pillow as my heart begins to thud heavily as the extent of my involvement slams into my chest. I didn't just watch, I didn't just walk away, I led her there...
"Get your ass up now!" My room mate barrels through my door interrupting dangerous thoughts, yanking my cover's off exposing my now shivering body. She won't know it has nothing to do with the temperature change. She flips the light switch on and sliver's of light penetrate my pillow fortress.
"Go away Stace I'm not in the mood." I bury my head further as I continue to contemplate life's mysteries.
I feel the mattress sink under the weight of her fat ass. I mean that in the most loving lustful way possible. Yes, that ass is also one of life's great mysteries that I occasionally ponder.
"Nightmares again?" she asks as she runs her hand soothingly in circles on my back. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve a lot of things. I sigh again. When did I become such a fucking emo? Same day you embraced cowardice. I sigh again.
"Always" I mumble into my pillow deciding a very slow suffocation is in order as I bury my head even further.
"Why don't you try and get some help Spence, this isn't healthy." Her loving intentions get filtered through my tormented heart, shredding and rejecting her love.
I sit up abruptly and laugh bitterly at her suggestion but am silenced immediately.
"Mine eyes!" I hiss slamming them shut. Stacy is far more merciful than the all great and powerful Oz I used to believe in and flips the switch to off. The hallway light filtering into my room through the opened door, easing me into the light.
Stacy kneels in front of me placing her soft hands on my knees. When I finally open my eyes my poor friend gives me a look I've become accustomed to. Concerned green eyes are begging me to let her in. I roughly run my hands through my sandy blonde hair before closing my eyes and bury my face in my hands. Another pair of eyes are begging me now, haunting my days not just my nights.
"Stace I don't need help and," I breath in and out heavily "and if I did, I wouldn't deserve it. I'll be down in twenty." With that I walk away leaving my perplexed friend and get ready to spend another day day dreaming of all the things I could have done differently only to come home and find the harsh reality in my nightmares.
I hate them.
She stands at the foot of the bed watching her sister fighting the ghosts that continue to haunt her. As usual I'm filling the role of helpless sister.
Kyla had just gotten back from a quick pee in the middle of the night and was gutted to find her sister embattled in a nightmare. She blamed herself despite knowing it was out of her control. She wasn't there when Ashley needed her and that was all that mattered as she stood by helpless as her sister was tormented again by her attackers. She couldn't jump in and get hurt again. Ashley had been so mad at herself for accidentally busting Kyla's lip last time. The thrashing began to subside and Kyla quickly jumped back in to bed carefully pulling her sister into her.
"Shhh Ash.. you're just dreaming hun." she cooed into her sisters ear. "You're ok, you're safe, no one's going to hurt you." She gently tried to wake her sister. The prescriptions that allowed her to sleep also trapped her in those nightmares making Kyla's effort at waking her each time a difficult one.
She had months of practice trying to figure out the best method to wake her sister. After the lamp incident Kyla learned that forcefully jerking her awake was not the smartest way to rouse her. Ashley had still been amped from the adrenaline of the dream and in her panic had grabbed the first thing that was within reach and flung it towards Kyla missing her only because Kyla had hit the deck. Ashley had felt so horrible that night. Kyla had been relieved the hideous lamp had finally been properly disposed of.
She continued to hold her sister. Gently rocking her and running her hand through her curls. No longer thrashing but whimpering as those bitches broke her again in ways that couldn't be fixed. She sang to her.
Spent your life searching
Waiting in line
I know you're holding on
To what you cant find
When the light is fading
And its hard to see
I hope you know you're still a part of me
She stroked her sister's hair and watched as the torment on her sisters face began to fade.
So hold on
Hold on to me
Hold on
Hold on to me
"Ky?" She heard a sleepy whisper beside her.
"Ash?"
"You did not inherit daddy's talent."
"Oh fuck you!" She kissed her sister's temple.
"You need the TV or the light back on tonight?"
Ashley stared at the soft glow of the moonlight that blanketed the room through their curtains.
"No, just...just don't let go ok?" Ashley gripped the arm holding her tightly. Praying she wouldn't have anymore nightmares tonight. She released a heavy sigh.
"I wont. Night Ash, I love you." Kyla whispered as she closed her eyes. Since that night she had not let go and she didn't think she ever could. She squeezed her eyes tighter willing the tears and the memories away.
They both struggled with nightmares. Ashley's much worse than hers. Kyla could hardly cope with the twisted visions her mind conjured. She couldn't fathom the horror's her sister had to face when trapped in her mind. But Kyla was always there to wake Ashley before they got too bad. She wasn't able to spare her sister pain in the physical world but she'd make sure she wouldn't have to relive it in the dream world.
Ashley did the same for her. Waking Kyla from nightmares where she arrives too late finding her sister's lifeless broken body. Where it's her instead of Ashley. And then there were the nights when Kyla's terror woke Ashley with a piercing scream calling out her name.
Kyla held her sister a little tighter as she felt Ashley's body begin to shake as she sobbed quietly. She whispered reassuring words to her, soothing words meant to lull the petite brunette to sleep. Both girls eventually fell asleep trying to be strong for the other.
Ashley awoke to her sisters light breathing on her cheek. The small vibrations let her know Kyla was lightly snoring. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to fall back asleep. She laid there with her sisters arm still wrapped tightly around her. Cocooned in silence and her sisters arms.
There was no way she would have made it through the last year without her sister by her side. She lazily stroked her sisters arms. She felt so safe in the mornings with her sister holding her protectively. Sometimes when she was on the cusp of waking up she would be the old Ashley. She would forget for the briefest moment what had happened to her. She would be carefree and happy.
That never lasted very long and the aches and twinges would begin reminding her that her body was broken and still healing. She was broken. Those mornings were especially rough on her.
Ashley let out a defeated sigh. Would she ever be the old Ashley again? She hated being this weak scared version of herself. 1 year had gone by but she was still stuck in that moment, lost in that night.
She felt Kyla stirring next to her and rolled to face her sliding some hair away from Kyla's eyes causing her to open them.
"Jesus Ash! Creepy much? Have you been watching me sleep?" Kyla asked with an arched brow and a sleepy yawn.
"No you doofus! I just woke up too." Ashley rolled her eyes at her but then got serious "Thank you, you know...for putting up with me this last year. It cant be helping your sex life having to tuck your big sis to sleep every night." Ashley bit her lip, grateful but guilty for taking up so much of her sister life.
"Ash" Kyla shook her head in frustration. "Do you think it bothers me to do this? That I wish I was out doing something else?" She props her head on her hand looking down at her worried sister. "Im not doing this out of sisterly obligation you know? It's entirely selfish. I.." Kyla sighed taking a pause to gather her thoughts. She needed to make sure Ashley knew she wasn't a burden.
"You're my best friend Ashley. I wouldn't know how to function without you and...and I need to know you're ok. God, "she sighs again, "I don't know what I would do if I woke up from one of those nightmares and you weren't beside me. I...I need to have you here as much as you need me here. I need to make sure you're safe and still here with me." She let's her words sink in before continuing "So stop thinking stupid shit and accept my clinginess like I accept yours."
Kyla flops back on the bed staring at the patterns on their ceiling. Codependent is what their therapist said. Of course they wouldn't understand, you cant explain to someone what it's like to hear your favorite person, favorite everything slip away while you helplessly sit there clutching a piece of plastic to your ear. They don't know the fear that has clawed its way into their hearts. Making sleep feel more like a threat than rest. Maybe someday they wouldn't need each other as much. But today wasn't that day.
"Annnd if we're lucky! We'll find husbands and wives that wont mind sharing a bed with 3 people. Although the sex could get awkward." she said as her face twisted in confusion."Whatever, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." she waved off the minor problem.
Ashley smiled her eyes widening at another possible future "OR! We could end up two old lonely spinsters with a 100 cats and iguanas that end up eating us in our sleep." She said thoughtfully.
"Too much Ash, bring it back a bit."
"You're such a freak Ky."
"Oh hun" Kyla shook her head "I learned from the best." she smiled sweetly at her older sister.
"Good lord you mean theres a bigger freak than YOU out there?"
"Yes sensei" Kyla replied looking at her with profound respect bowing her head slightly.
Ashley couldn't keep up the crazy talk and finally broke out in laughter. "I love you Ky." She said between laughs.
"I love you more chicken but. Now let's go feed the beasts." She finished as both their stomachs rumbled.
"Yes, lets. I've got an early therapy today."
"How's that going?"
"Same shit different bull."
"But it's helping right?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Girls move your asses! Breakfast in 10." Their dad informed them as he quickly popped his head in and out of their room.
"Shit!"
"Fuck!"
They whined in unison.
"Ash we have to tell him! I don't think I have any tastebuds left, they all ran away." She pouts.
"Along with your sense of hygiene. What the fuck Ky?" She says scrunching up her nose in disgust.
After a few sniffs she agrees. "Yeeaahh thats ripe! Im going to go shower." She hops out of bed and heads to her dresser.
"Hey Ky?"
"Mhm?" She mumbles as she digs through her drawers.
"I love you."
"Love you to Ashy Bear!" She replies cheerily before running back and giving her sister a sloppy peck on her forehead before taking a much needed shower.
Ashley leans her back on the headboard and begins her morning exercises. Stretching the digits on her right hand like she's suppose to 4 times a day. She stares at the slight bumps and thick scars as she extends her fingers. She sighs when she's finished and picks up the rubber ball she's meant to squeeze next. Feeling frustrated with how much effort she has to exert on something so simple she throws the ball across the room where it lands with a loud twang.
Her eyes follow the resonating sound across the room landing on what used to bring her so much joy. What should have brought her comfort like it had for over half her life. Her guitar sits on its stand gathering dust. Her stupid ball sitting next to it accusingly.
She lets out a frustrated sigh before getting up to pick up the ball, returning to the bed she sits on the edge facing her guitar. She let's the truth wash over her as she compresses the ball, knowing what each weak squeeze means. Wishing her doctor was wrong. Staring longingly at her guitar a familiar emotion consumes and motivates her.
I fucking hate them.
STOP RIGHT HERE...What lies below is a different scenario that does not follow the main story. This is little treat for my Whovian reviewer in answer to their question. So unless you're a Whovian, proceed to the comments section if you're lovely self feels compelled to give me some feedback.
I REPEAT! This deviates from the main story. DO NOT READ beyond this lest you get confused. This is a one time deal and I will indulge in this story in private because my wife threatened to break my Ipad after I uttered SON/WHO crossover. FORGIVE ME if this fails to deliver. I do not presume to know how to write the awesomeness or complexity of Doctor Who. If it becomes too bothersome I'll remove it and repost without it. Otherwise it shall remain as is.
Cheers!
Spencer dragged Carmen out of the alley her nose sniffling as heavy drops cascaded down her face. Walking away from the mournful eyes that begged her for help. She hastened her step down the block but stopped when Carmen yanked her back.
"Spence, what are you going to do?" Carmen's worried expression searched her girlfriends eyes.
"Nothing Carmen!" She barked out as she angrily wiped away her tears.
"You can't say anything Spence." She pleaded with her shaken girlfriend.
Spencer's head fell back as she gazed at the starless night letting the tears fall to the concrete below her.
"Your choices sealed our fate. I'm going to go home and forget you and this night ever happened."
"Spence" Carmen reached out lightly grabbing Spencer's hand before she yanked it away.
"No Carmen! There's no coming back from this." She cried for herself and cried even more when she saw the rest of the gang walk out of the alley, all but Marcy.
"Oh god! I have to go." she whimpered and clamped her hand over her mouth as she turned and ran home leaving this whole night and her girlfriend behind.
Carmen stood there watching her girlfriend runaway, a lump in her throat. A strange wooshing sound broke the silence as a violent gust of air swirled all around her. She searched for the source, but all she saw was Marcy finally exiting the alley.
Dropping her head in shame she stared at the stains that littered her jeans and doubled over emptying her stomach of its contents. As Carmen walked away and left her troubles that night, a door to a police box opened revealing a familiar but older blonde. Carmen was too wrapped up in the nights event to pay much attention as she crossed the street and disappeared around a corner.
The blonde spared one regretful look at her ex girlfriend before running in the direction of the alley and the broken brunette she knew she'd fine there.
"Spencer wait!"
"There isn't time!" she said halfway to the alley.
"I can't let you do this Spencer! It's too dangerous!"
"No! Don't try and stop me, not this time! I've seen you ignore the rules when it suits you and be damn near gleeful as you bend them to your will! I've helped you save entire worlds at what cost?! Just this once..." her voice breaks as she fights against her tears to finish. "Just this once, please...let me..." watery blue eyes pull at his two hearts.
"Do you think you're the first one to try this? Humans you're so damn sentimental and predictable! It never ends well Spencer! Never!
He watched her hang her head with the weight of the decision she had already made.
"It'll change everything Spencer..." he angrily pleaded with her one more time knowing nothing would dissuade his companion. Knowing all too well they always chose to learn the hard way, fixed points can never be atlered. But it always changed his friends, altering them from the inside out. He tried to spare them that grief. Tearing open old wounds would eviscerate their fragile emotions. And that's what made them so magnificent. Always that hope that beat life into their frail existence catapulting them into greatness.
She turned her back on him "I have to try!"
Of course you do, he sighed in anticipation of what was to come. Of course you do. Hope, its infectious, and he let his weary hearts fill with it before allowing his mind to attempt the impossible. Again.
Her blonde hair swayed in the air as she rushed to the alley hoping she made it in time.
As she came around the corner she froze as she relived the scene before her. Ashley lay there choking on her blood and Spencer stood there too stunned to do anything. Move your ass Carlin! She rushed to Ashley wiping some of the blood that splattered on her face.
She gently rolled Ashley onto her side hoping this kept her from continuing to choke on her blood. She already knew that an ambulance was on the way because her younger self had called 911 after running away from Carmen. But Ashley was found dead before they arrived. She just needed Ashley to hold on until they got here.
"Hold on Ashley, just hold on" She cried as she ran her hair through brown curls gingerly. Not knowing what else she could do to help to her.
She watched the brunette fail to reach into her pocket and cringed as she heard Ashley's anguished scream. She reached into Ashley's jean pocket pulling out the cell phone.
"Ky...Ky"
"Call...please"
Spencer searched the phone for the familiar name. Finding it she looked back up to find that the brunettes body had gone limp.
"Ashley?!" panicked cries erupted "Ashley!" she dropped the phone and held the brunettes face gingerly between her own. "Hold on please" she sobbed, relieved when she saw the brunettes eyes flutter. She picked up the cell phone and dialed Kyla's phone number waiting for her to pick up before pressing it to Ashley's ear.
Spencer's heart ached as Ashley struggled to say her goodbyes and she hated herself even more. How was this any better? She covered her mouth with her hand to silence the broken sobs as she listened to Ashley tell her sister she was scared, listened to Kyla's worried screams as she pulled away the phone.
She watched Ashley slip away again, "Shit, fuck!" she yelled and began to panic. Am I too late again? Always too fucking late! She collapsed over the brunette the weight of her failures falling in heavy drops.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I should have stopped them!" She cried heavily over the still brunette, running her hand over her cheek, letting her tears fall over the face that had haunted her for the las 8 years.
"Spence..."
"I was too late again" she whimpered through her tears.
He bent down and gathered her into his arms where she could safely fall apart as two police officers rushed to Ashley.
"What's that ETA on the medics!" one of the officers yelled into his radio.
"Standby."
"They got a flat another ambulance is on its way already, 1 minute out."
"Shit!" The cop uttered as him an his partner began life saving measures.
He pulled a reluctant Spencer away from the unfolding scene his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders. "Don't you get it Spence. Theres nothing you could have done. They got here 2 minutes later than they would have" he said pointing at the cops "and the ambulance that should have arrived before them got a flat...something so inconsequential and yet life altering for her. There's nothing you could have done. Life, time, it finds a way to right itself."
They stood at the end of the alley as this awful lesson continued to play out. The paramedics sprinted down the alley joining the cops as they desperately tried to work a miracle.
"You shouldn't watch this Spence."
"No, I wont walk away this time." she leaned into him and wondered how anything about this night was right.
"We have a pulse! Let's get her stabilized and on the gurney."