Dear Jim

Rating : PG

Prompt : "Dear Jim, The man I've been in love with for five years just got himself a new flatmate. Can you fix it for me that he'll never ever depend on anyone else but me? GL" Take it from here, author !

Spoilers for all of S1. Written before/not compliant with the BBC denouement for The Great Game.

Dear Jim,

No, the drugs bust did not scare him off – fact is, my Sergeant shooed us out before he had a chance to see the goods. Not that he'd have been much impressed. I mean, seriously, betel nuts? Try again.

GL

Dear Jim,

What do you mean, you're keeping the gun? You can't keep the bleeding gun! How am I supposed to arrest this bloke without evidence? And before you ask, no, I'm bloody not injecting truth serum into their dim sums. I'm hardly in a mood to listen to them rhapsodizing on their wretched little bromance until the fortune cookie crumbles.

I hope I'm paying a fixed rate for this.

GL

Dear Jim,

Congrats on the Chinese job. Kidnapping Watson's girlie and offering to off her with an effing great crossbow was Naughty Plan of the Year to make sure he keeps his hands off Sherlock.

Remind me why I'm hiring you?

GL

Dear Jim,

Yeah, the Dastardly Domestic Device was one grand idea. Unfortunately, it was Watson who walked out of the flat. Can I trouble you from now on to fix my love dilemma without blowing up my love interest?

No bloody thanks.

GL

Dear Jim,

I appreciate the trouble you're going through, but. From man to man. Setting him up with Kenny Prince? Have you seen the guy at all? I'd sooner date my dog. Hell, I'd sooner date my sniffer dog, and that's saying a lot.

Get a move on, man! Only two pips to go, in case you've lost count.

GL

Dear Jim,

Oh, the Granny Gambit paid off all right. Watson texted me in a huff, then dragged me to the George where I stood him a bitter to keep him in the mood while he jabbered about Sherlock's antics du jour, including the "Jim from IT" interlude. Gave me the little punk's number, which he'd memorized, and asked if I could track it down for him. Don't think I'll bother the ID squad, though – as it is, it looks quite familiar to me.

Seller's remorse, Jim? Never a good idea.

GL

I'll forgive and forget this once and send you back Moran. Nice wig, by the way. Nice Czech accent. Sad lack of practice with high heels.

Dear Jim,

Sure, I'll fix it for you to get a good lawyer. Least I can do, mate - having three fine lads depend upon me is doing wonders for my heart and ego. Never felt chirpier in my life.

Yeah, I'm afraid Seb is for keeps now. You see, finding out about his little hair fetish came in quite handy before I sent him back to you: your black vaseline isn't a patch on L'Oréal's silver shampoo. He's one of the gang now - he and John have taken to each other like a gun on fire. They've renamed John's blog "The Semtex Pistols" and tripled the readership.

Sherlock sends his greetings, too. Or would if his mouth was not otherwise occupied. Quite the lip-giver, is our Sherlock. It took him some time to figure out why I'd taken a dot for him and survived, and when he did, all he said was "I knew it" and "Do that thing with your thumb again".

So we're all up and coming through your good offices, Jimmy-Son, and hoping you enjoy your new jumpsuit. Mrs Hudson says orange will pep up your water chakras, but be sure to remember it clashes with turquoise.

Cheers,

GL