Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Sons of Anarchy. I'm just having fun with them. No profit is made. No harm meant.
A/N: Thanks to all who have read any of the previous chapters. I tried to reply to everyone and if I missed you it was not intentional. Also, I'm still partially sick and any mistakes are mine missed when I edited.
Chapter THREE
Opie rose to his feet when the guard called his name, he'd never thought that he could look forward to the mail so fucking much but every time he heard his name he felt something, he didn't know how to explain it. There were three letters, he carried them back to his cell and opened the one from Donna first. It was short, really short with only a few lines about the kids, the house and telling him that they were doing fine so there was no reason for Jax to keep dropping by.
Her letters had been getting shorter and shorter, the calls more infrequent and her visits were down to once a month. When they were together it was pretty awkward, she couldn't forget where they were so she talked stiffly, sat far away from him and barely met his eyes. No matter what he did or said he knew that things were changing between them but he didn't know how to stop it.
Part of it was his fault, he knew that. Maybe he'd pulled back from her as well, it wasn't intentional but it what it was. It wasn't about Sarah or at least not all about Sarah. Even before he'd gone inside things hadn't been exactly easy with Donna. He loved her and she loved him but she absolutely hated the Sons.
She'd never liked that he was a member, had refused to go out with him just because he was associated with them but he'd broke her down and she'd agreed. She was sweet, funny, sexy and everything he'd wanted in a woman so he'd looked past her feelings, thought that they would change and they hadn't. They never would, he knew that now just as well as he knew that he'd made a commitment to her, to their family and he would honor that.
Opie opened Jax's letter next, his best friend had recently proposed to Wendy and the wedding would take place before he was home. He was going to miss out on being the best man but it didn't bother him so much because he couldn't imagine Wendy and Jax actually making a go of it. Wendy was too wild and Jax was still too in love with Tara to actually love someone else.
Finally he opened Sarah's letter; she was still in Tacoma, managing a car parts store and living in a small house a few blocks from the SAMTAC club house. He was surprised to feel a picture tucked inside of the letter. He paused, stared at the paper. He'd been asking her for one for nearly six months and couldn't believe that she'd finally relented.
I can't believe that I'm sending this but here goes nothing, remember you asked for it. You know that I hate pictures Op but I guess I'm curious about what you look like too. I found a picture of you on the wall at the club. You haven't changed much, you're taller though or at least it looks that way with you standing next to Jax.
I was there for Donut's engagement party. I like her, she's pretty cool. She keeps telling me to come hang out more but I've been working a lot and just want to go home and be chill at the end of the day. You know, I was thinking that if you wanted you could call me sometime. Unless you think that's too... whatever.
Opie looked away from the letter, turned the picture over in his hand. It was like getting kicked in the stomach. Sarah was smiling in the picture, obviously caught off guard. Her hair was down and longer than he remembered, she was wearing a black button down shirt and a pair of jeans and her body was, well her tits were better than he remembered. Fuck, the last thing he wanted to think about were her tits.
I got a cat, well I found a cat or it found me. Might be the start of me turning into a crazy cat lady. Feel free to shoot me if I get another. Nice to have someone to talk to though that might be one of the steps to crazy. I'm probably good if it doesn't talk back. Shit, I sound crazy don't I? I'm just nervous that I sent the picture and told you to call. I probably shouldn't be but... I am. And on that note, I'm going.
3
It was hard to believe that she'd been in Tacoma for a year, Sarah hadn't felt this at home anywhere. Her house was great, nice and small in a way that was perfect for her because there wasn't much to clean. Her job was mostly good, frustrating at times but what job wasn't?
She was sitting on her little porch overlooking the garden that she was attempting to grow with a glass of wine and a joint. It was her perfect way to relax at the end of a day. She needed all the relaxation she could get because she was still seriously nervous over the picture that she'd sent Opie.
Sarah still wasn't sure while she relented except that she'd really liked the picture Kozik had snapped of her when they were cooking out in the backyard. She looked happy. She still didn't know why she'd included her number in the letter. They'd never written of talking on the phone. It was stupid for her to have sent it, so stupid that there weren't words for it.
He was married, he was happy, he was going to go home to his wife in two and a half years and she would be alone. If she was smart she'd move on but no one had ever really accused her of being smart.
She finished the glass of wine, went back in the house and just grabbed the bottle. There was no point in pretending that she wasn't going to drink it all because she was, it was just one of those nights. She was just polishing off her second glass when the phone rang. She reached for it, took a deep breath and answered. "Hello?"
"Sarah?"
"Hey Kozik," she held back a sigh, she'd really hoped that it would be Opie. Hell, every time that the phone rang she hoped that it was him, "what's up?"
"I'm hungry," he replied, "throw on something and come grab food with me."
"I'm not really hungry, I think that I'm just going to go to bed." She told him, it was the same excuse she'd been giving him since two or three days after she'd mailed the letter. What if she left and missed the call? Sarah realized that she was reaching a whole new level of pathetic.
"Maybe you should see a doctor Sarah, you've been run down for like the past week," the concern in his voice was obvious. "How about I go and get some soup and bring it over? Or Chinese, you can never say no to those fried cheese crab things."
"I'm fine, I don't need a doctor. I need a vacation. And that sounds nice, better hurry though I've had a few glasses of wine."
"I'll be over in twenty minutes," he promised.
"Bye." Sarah ended the call. "Jesus Christ, get a grip Sarah. If he was going to call he would have." The cat, still just called the cat, looked over at her when she spoke but then looked away.
The picture could have scared him off or her boldness in giving her number or any possible combination of things. In the past few months she'd sensed that he was starting to feel guilty about the letters and perhaps he was right. They certainly hadn't crossed a line but the letters were getting more intimate.
The phone rang again. "Jesus Kozik, they're crab rangoon," it was something she had to tell him every time he ordered Chinese for them and she half suspected that he always messed up the name so that she would just take pity on him and do the ordering and picking up herself.
"This isn't Kozik," Opie cleared his throat, "is this a bad time?"
"Op?" Sarah stumbled and it wasn't because of the wine, it was because the sound of his voice made every muscle in her body go weak.
"Hey, you said to call so I'm calling. If it's a bad time..."
"It's not, Kozik's just picking up dinner for us," she explained quickly, "I didn't think that you were going to call."
"I'd have called sooner but I got a few days in the hole, these assholes were giving my cell mate a hard time and I..." he paused, "I intervened."
Sarah smiled into the phone. "By intervened you mean beat their asses?"
"Yeah, something like that. Shit, he's just a kid and skinny as hell. I couldn't just stand there and do nothing."
"Of course you couldn't," her smile widened and she sat down, "that's what makes you great."
"I'm not great Sarah."
"We'll agree to differ on that," she let out a laugh, "so, how are you?"
"I'm good," he was better than he'd been in a while just by hearing her voice, Opie wasn't sure what that meant, "they don't give us a lot of time. How are you?"
"I'm great, just tired which is why Kozik's bringing me dinner."
"So, you two hang out a lot?"
Sarah heard his unasked question and decided to face it head on. "There's nothing going on with the two of us Op, we're just friends. He's been great to me and nothing but respectful, I promise."
"You seeing anyone?"
"Right now, no." Sarah nibbled nervously on her bottom lip, "I'm a little gun shy since Matt I guess."
"Is it... do I..." He tried to start the sentence several times, she knew what he was trying to ask.
"I..." she nearly told him that none of it was because of him but that wouldn't be true. She'd have numerous offers for dates but she'd never been really interested. Part of it was because of Matt, she knew that but part of it was because she'd rather spend the night writing to Opie than making small talk and fending off unwanted advances. "I know that you're married Opie and that there's no chance that we're going to ever be anything more than friends. I won't put that on you, I won't."
"I care about you Sarah, fuck you know that I do. Baby I..." he let out a heavy sigh as he heard the guard call out and realized that he'd slipped up and called her Baby again. What the fuck was he doing? "I've got to go, they're calling for count."
"Write me?" She asked aware at how desperately sounding the words came out.
"I will," he promised, "I can call you again if you want."
"That would be good," she told him, "take care Op."
Sarah hung the phone up, wiped her hands over her cheeks to take away any trace of the tears that were falling. What had she gotten herself into? She was back in love with Opie Winston and there wasn't anything that she could do to stop the way that she felt.
3
You never asked me what I thought of your picture, I should have told you how beautiful you look in it. I like your hair like that, it's longer than I can ever remember seeing it. I look at it all the time, probably more often than I should.
That's fitting because I think about you more than I should and I don't know what that says about me. I love my wife, love my kids and I can't wait to get home to them but at the same time I can see things being different.
I shouldn't be dumping all of this on you.
Sarah read the letter for the third time, curled up in her bed. It was probably wrong that she was glad he was conflicted but at least she wasn't the only one feeling that way. She'd turned down a date with a really good looking guy because he wasn't Opie just the other day which really had to say something about her mental state.
His conflict was obvious in his letters or when they spoke. He was calling several times a week now, she dreaded knowing what her phone bill was going to be but at the same time would have paid any price. Sarah knew that he bore guilt over talking and writing her behind Donna's lap and that guilt was partially her fault, after all she'd written him first and then given her number to him.
She reached for the phone as it rang. "Hello?"
"Hey," Opie said, "this a bad time?"
"No, not at all. I was just..." thinking about you, I'm always thinking about you. Sarah utilized her ability to censor herself. "I was just laying down, reading."
"You always did love to read. What are you reading now?"
"It by Stephen King," she said the first title that came to mind.
"That freaky clown shit?"
"Yes, the freaky clown shit. I've read it before of course but it's a good book no pun intended."
"Maybe I'll take it out of the library here," he told her. "How are you?"
"I'm good. I got your letter today. I'm glad you liked the picture but I'm not glad that you seem so conflicted about writing to me and talking to me. I'm sorry if I pushed too hard Opie, maybe I shouldn't have written you and I probably shouldn't have given you my number. I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel like you've done something wrong."
"Sarah," he cut her off before she could say anything else, "I'm damn glad that you wrote me and that I can hear your voice now. Don't apologize for that, don't ever apologize for that." His voice was angry now. "You have no idea how I..."
"How you what?"
"How I feel," he sighed into the phone, "and I've got no right to say it but it's true. I don't think that I ever stopped... loving you."
"I know the feeling," Sarah inhaled deeply and blinked her eyes several times to get rid of the tears that were gathering there, "and we're not doing anything wrong. It's just... talking."
"Yeah," he cleared his throat, "just friends who care about each other."
"Nothing more." Sarah tried to repeat the words over and over to herself, to convince herself that it was the truth but her heart knew that it was a lie. He had to know that it was a lie but there were some lies that needed to be told. "So, you've got a birthday coming up again. Any hints as to a present?"
"Don't spend all that money on a package again, I know what I want." Again Opie cleared his throat, he didn't know quite how to ask her for what he wanted but he knew that he didn't want her spending any more money with all she was already spending on the phone bill.
"Well don't make me guess goof, tell me," Sarah held the phone tighter, not sure what exactly he could want that wouldn't come in a package but knowing that there was nothing that she'd say no to. For a terrifying moment she wondered if he was going to ask her to visit him.
"Will you send me more pictures? Maybe one of you in a dress or something?"
"That's all that you want?" Relief flooded through her, pictures she could handle without a problem. If he'd have asked her to visit him, she would have said yes even though the idea of seeing him scared the shit out of her. Things were getting intense just with the conversations and letters, if she saw him she knew that there would be no turning back for her.
"I know that you hate pictures," he told her, "so?"
"Okay, I'll send you pictures. Kozik was screwing around with my camera the other day and took some of me."
Opie stopped himself before he asked what they were doing when he took the pictures. Kozik had never done anything to make him think that he'd try anything with Sarah but the thought nagged at him. She was so beautiful, sweet and caring. What if their friendship started to lead to something else? "Didn't know he liked taking pictures."
"I think he does it to piss me off because he knows I hate them too but I guess that it's going to come in handy this time. I'll get something in the mail tomorrow, I promise."
"Thanks, so how's everything with you? Work?"
"It's going good, the people are assholes sometimes but that's anywhere I guess." She leaned back against the pillow. "Got to admit, I've been looking forward to checking my mail and answering my phone more than usual lately."
"I know the feeling," he sighed again. "Baby, I've got to go. I'll call you soon though I don't want to cost you too much money."
"Don't worry about the money, look at all I'm saving with not having to get you a package this year. Be safe Opie." Her stomach was still tied in tight knots from the way that he called her Baby, he only did it when their calls were about to end.
"You too Sarah. I..."
Whatever he was going to say was lost and that was most likely for the best. She replaced the phone onto the table next to the bed and carefully folded the letter so that she could put it with the others. There were dozens, maybe even a hundred of them by now. Some of them were only a few lines and others were page upon page of his cramped handwriting.
In those letters she'd gotten to once again know the man who she'd loved so desperately as a teenager and now he was the man that she loved desperately as an adult, despite knowing better.
3
Opie's jealousy of Kozik grew by leaps and bounds as he flipped through the pictures that Sarah had sent him. There were six in all, three taken outside and in one she was wearing a dress. He hadn't pictured a flowing summer type dress when he'd made the request but that's what she had on, it was white with an intricate floral pattern in all the colors of the rainbow along the hem and bust line, the contrast to her tanned skin and dark hair worked and made his cock harden painfully.
It only got harder at the pictures taken inside of the house, they were obviously not staged. In one she was simply sitting on the couch, her attention focused on something probably the television and she wore a pair of short denim shorts and a tank top that covered enough to make his imagination go wild.
He unfolded the letter last, settled back and began to read.
Hope you like these, I took a seriously long time to make the decision of which to send. I left out several of Kozik's favorites because I was asleep in all of them. Never leave that man drunk around a camera, I swear. He keeps asking to borrow it but I don't want it getting sweet butt cooties though he has been seeing one girl in particular for a while, well a while for Kozik.
Feels like this isn't enough for your birthday. Do you remember when you turned eighteen? The party at the club house? That feels like it was both yesterday and a million years ago. I thought that I was so clever being your present, it was probably lame. That's always been one of my favorite nights ever, we had so much fun. It was perfect. Sure, it all went to shit after but in the moment it was perfect.
I'm actually heading out with one of the girls from work. She's only been there a month or so and she seems nice. We're going to get a drink at some little bar she likes and then maybe go to the movies or something. I've got to go get dressed and stuff but I hope to hear from you before you get this.
I probably shouldn't admit how much I look forward to your calls.
Opie folded the letter, placed it beneath the mattress. It was Tuesday now, the letters took a few days to reach him. He hoped that she'd had fun, it bothered him how much she stayed in even if it was a relief that she wasn't hanging out at the club house all the time. It was selfish of him but he didn't want her to meet someone, especially one of his Brothers.
3 3 3
It only took Sarah answering the phone for Opie to know that something was wrong with her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," she replied, "it's just not a good time for me to talk right now."
"What's going on? Damn it Sarah, talk to me." He demanded.
"It's nothing, I'm just busy right now. Can't I be busy? I do have a fucking life besides talking or writing you, in case you've forgotten." Sarah snapped the words into the phone.
"What are you getting pissy at me for?" Opie said, "I just asked you a question, don't bite my god damn head off. I never said you don't have a life, hell you just went out the other night, right?"
Sarah laughed without humor, yeah she'd gone out that night. It had taken her nice little life from quiet and content to fucking chaos. "Yeah, that was a real good time."
"What happened?"
"We went to some dive bar," Sarah told him, she could still see the events of the night in her mind, "there were bikers there, some other club, I think they were like biker want to be types. Anyway, that brought up the subject of bikers and she'd seen me with Kozik a few times so she started to ask me questions, I didn't say anything really. Then she wanted to go to the club house because it was Friday and she said that she'd heard there were great parties there."
"So you brought her there with you?"
"I know, I knew it was a mistake as soon as we got there. People knew who she was and then everything just went to shit. Turns out that she used to see Lorca pretty regularly until she became a little bit like a stalker."
"Jesus Christ," Opie pressed his hand to his forehead, "what happened?"
"He flipped when he saw her, demanded to know who brought her and when I said it was me he told me to get the fuck out and not come back," Sarah sighed. "And then the girl that Lorca's seeing now came in and well if I thought that it was hell before, I was wrong."
"What happened?"
"A fight broke out," she looked down at her still bruised knuckles, "it turned into an all female brawl."
"A what?"
"It was... fucking insane and the next thing I knew I was getting thrown out with the god damn sweet butts. I know I screwed up, I do. I should have known something was wrong that she wanted to go out with me to begin with."
"Where was Kozik?" Opie asked through clenched teeth, Kozik was supposed to be watching out for her and making sure that shit like this didn't happen. Sarah in a sweet butt cat fight? He couldn't even imagine it.
"He was with this girl he's been seeing, he's..." she laid her head back against the pillow, "he's beyond pissed with me too."
"Sarah, club houses aren't like a night club. You can't just..."
"I know! I wasn't thinking. Didn't you just hear me say I fucked up?" Her voice rose and she didn't bother to try to hide it. "I'm paying the price and I don't mean that I can't go to the clubhouse anymore. I went to work yesterday after the weekend and was told that they're downsizing. I've got a week more of work and then I'm out."
"Jesus Christ, I thought they were doing good."
"They are, I think that Natalie had something to do with it. She's the one I went out with and she knows the owner. I... fucked up Op."
Opie shut his eyes as he heard her begin to cry. "Come on Baby, listen to me," he said into the phone, "you'll find another job. You're smart and got all kinds of experience. It's going to be okay."
"Is it?" Sarah demanded. "Is it really? Let's take stock of my life quickly. I've got no job but rent and bills to pay. I had Kozik but he won't even answer the phone when I call now so I've really got no friends here now. The freaking stray cat I adopted decided it likes living outside better than living with me and, oh yeah I'm in love with a married man."
"What did you just say?" Opie was sure he'd heard her right, he wanted to have heard her right but at the same time what she said took what they were doing to another level. He was married and he wasn't going to turn his back on his family, he wasn't that sort of man.
"You heard me Opie," Sarah sniffled loudly, "I'm sorry, I know that you don't need any more shit on your plate. You're so close to being out and going back to your life. I should just... we should just.."
"Baby, don't cry. Come on Sarah, you know I don't have much time. Listen to me, I care about you. You know that I do."
"And here comes the but. Don't say it Opie, I know it. You love Donna. You love your kids and you're going back to your family. I want you to do that, I want them to make you happy." Sarah sat up. "I think that this should be the last time that we talk. It's too... it's too hard for me to separate what I want from what I can have."
"No." Opie all but roared the word into the phone. The calls to Sarah were one of the few things that made being inside bearable. He knew it wasn't right but he talked to her more than he talked to his own wife. "Baby..."
"You keep calling me that, I close my eyes and I hear it. It's like I'm fucking seventeen again and it hurts."
"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone," he cleared his throat, "if you don't want to talk anymore, I won't call but don't make that decision right now. My time is up."
"Take care of yourself Opie," Sarah placed the phone back into the cradle and didn't let him say anything else. At that moment she was sure that she wouldn't write him, she would leave things as they were and leave him to his family, they were the ones who deserved him.
She'd had her chance all those years before and blown it, once she'd turned eighteen and broken free of her mother's hold she should have high tailed it back to Charming regardless of what she'd heard about Opie's life after she'd left. If she'd have done that before he married Donna than maybe they would have had a shot.
3
This time the letters didn't come back return to sender so Opie had to assume that she'd received them. His phone calls went unanswered until he decided to stop trying to call at all because each time she didn't answer he just got more pissed off.
The worst part of it all was that he knew that he had no right to be pissed. Hell, Sarah was probably right. Things had gotten too intense between them, too intimate and she wasn't the only one feeling pain from it. He felt as strongly as she did, torn between the love that had blossomed for her and the love that he had for his wife and family.
Opie reached beneath his mattress, the stash of letters he kept there had grown almost to the point that he could feel them beneath the thin foam as he slept. It was a comfort to him to know that they were there, they had given him a way to get through the time, for that he'd always be thankful and grateful.
It was time for him to put the past in it's place and work for a future with his wife and family. Donna certainly deserved that and more for all the shit she'd put up with from him and the time that she'd spent raising their kids alone. He loved her. She was his world and nothing changed that, he'd just gotten caught up in memories.
Memories weren't real, they weren't the future and they couldn't mean anything more yet it still bothered him to throw out the stack of letters, he'd read each one enough times to practically have them memorized and keeping them would just make his decision harder. Now wasn't the time to second guess what he'd decided, really what they'd decided, it was time for a fresh start and a second chance with the family that he'd be with soon enough.
No matter what he'd chosen, no matter how hard he tried he wasn't able to throw out the pictures as well.