Ritual
Ellie Goulding
Chapter 3
…
Adam looked around the table at the unusual members of his group. Why did his parents have to send him here? It was their fault in the first place he did this. But at least his behavior made them ride in the same car together. Made them look at one another. But it didn't make them love each other. It didn't make his father accept him. It didn't make his mother stop pretending everything was alright.
Looking at the lumpy oatmeal in front of his face, he looked up from his plate. And he saw all of them had the same expression on their face. If they could not agree on one thing, they could agree that this food was not edible. But he was starving. And the boys in his cabin didn't make it easy for him to sleep last night. Well just one boy…Luke.
The boy who snuck out and came back with a red cheek. Chuckling mentally, he saw the boy quiet for once since he had been there.
Luke saw the two boys laugh underneath their breath. And he hated the silence at the table. The stares at his face. The three girls who smiled in satisfaction at the simple fact of his rejection. But he should be used to getting slapped around. From his father. The mighty lawyer. The great lawyer who loved to drink after hours.
The great man who felt so guilty for his habit that he gave the boy anything he wanted. The only reason his father sent him here was to get rid of him. So he could be out of his hair for months. So he couldn't be an embarrassment to his firm….
Slap
Luke had little time to respond as he made it into their mansion. His head hitting the other side of the wall. Falling down slowly. Eventually standing up, he watched his father walk to his bar. His best kept secret. The secret he was surprised nobody noticed. Pouring himself some whiskey. Drinking from the glass, the man looked at the bottle…sighing in disgust. Some was missing. Dammit.
"It's bad enough I got you off the hook for stealing another car…but now you sneak my whiskey." The man undid his tie as the boy listened to the mental abuse.
"Dad…." The teen began. But deep down, he knew he deserved the torment. He had no business taking the Benz for a joy ride.
"Don't dad me. Do you know how embarrassing you are? You took my employer's car…..and you did it on purpose to spite me…I can't even look at you. You are a disappointment to me. Why can't you just be like Becky? Why can't you just…?" The boy saw his twin peek in the doorway. Her heart going out to him. Why couldn't he just behave for once? Why couldn't he just lay low from their father.
Luke knew the man's temper. And she was so scared of him, that she couldn't intervene. With the whiskey on his breath, he could hit her. Holding her breath, she saw Luke mouth to her. Telling her to go back to her room. But she wouldn't budge.
"Well at least you have one child to be thankful for." The boy stated blandly. Hiding the pain in his voice. "Hopefully she won't end up like mom." The teen's statement made the man's blood boil.
"Don't you ever say that again." The man became red as his vein began to show. "I am doing the best I can with you. But my hands are tied. I give you anything you guys want. And how do you repay me? By sneaking off. Do you know parking lots have cameras now?" His voice raised as he began to preach.
"I know. I know. I'm stupid. I'm stupid….just like mom." Luke exclaimed as he walked by Becky.
"Maybe you are." The man finished his drink.
The model's voice pulled him from his reverie.
"I thought they wanted me to eat…." Marisol stared at the thick substance.
"Come on next top model." The black boy teased as the gorgeous girl huffed. "It's not that bad when you get use it."
"I prefer not to America's Most Wanted." She pushed the bowl aside as the others finally ate. Dallas ignored her slick comment…against his better judgment.
Seeing Ellie walk to their table with mail in her hand, the model made herself eat the thick film. And it did taste as bad as it looked. But at least her tremors were getting less and less. And her strength was returning.
"So Adam…what brings you here?" Bianca wanted to know as they as the new boy looked in her direction.
"I burn myself….." The teen shrugged as the hard seat made him adjust his legs. At least here nothing seemed to unpredictable. And the pretty tomboy seemed to really listen to him.
"Looks like me and you have something in common." Katie admitted as he nodded. "Welcome to our group." She greeted.
"It's too early in the morning…could you please drop the act Mother Hen?" Mike looked at her across the table. It was odd how many tables filled with teens there…surrounding them….yet it only seemed as if they existed.
"Excuse you?" Katie asked the boy as Mare looked as if she was getting ready to charge him again.
"Stop acting as if you have all together. You don't. That is why you are here. We are all misfits…or at least we are painted socially unacceptable to society's standards." The black boy stated as the three girls faces scrunched in anger.
"Such a smart thing to say…..at least we want to change….." Marisol began.
"You act as if everyone doesn't want some kind of change. Some people are forced to act a certain way because of their life at the time." Adam agreed at his roommate's statement.
"Whatever..." Katie knew he was right. The whole table did. But that didn't mean he had to be arrogant for jumping on her.
Adam knew this was going to be a living hell for him. Obviously, his group was divided. Boys against girls. And he didn't belong to either side. But Mike was right about society. It only saw you one way. Sure a couple may be open-minded, but the rest were always on the opposite end of the spectrum.
Bonk, Bonk
"What does that mean?" Adam asked the red head as he noticed the gorgeous brunette beside her look at them oddly.
"It means…the real hell begins." Bianca watched the two as they left with Ellie.
Their eyes widened as they looked at the 40 ft tall repel towel. The tall wooden wall without clutches. A couple of counselors stood at the top….waiting on them. All wearing hiking boots and jeans, Marisol's mouth couldn't close at the intimidating sight.
Ellie saw the six of them as they looked at the sight before them. But it only made her smile brighter. There was nothing more like challenging their minds and bodies together. Unzipping a bag, she passed them each a helmet, gloves, and a harness. All were hesitant to take it as they passed it down to each other. Seeing them stumble as they put on their equipment she waited.
"I didn't think I was signing up for the ARMY." Dallas looked at the tower as he made sure his gloves were on. Seeing the two men wait for them up there made him paranoid. He didn't want to make an abrupt stop if he fell.
"Agreed." Bianca bit back as she locked her helmet. "What the hell does this have to do with our problems?" Maybe she should be going against this after all.
"I will tell you if you just wait a damn moment." Ellie sassed her back as she waited for the group's undivided attention.
"You guys are expected to repel. In other words, you guys are going to work your way down the wood wall." She mentally snickered as she saw fear in all of their eyes.
"You still didn't answer the question." Mare was on Bianca's side. It must be freezing in hell now.
"With this exercise, you will learn to depend on yourself. You guys will strengthen your will power. It's not about just the fear of climbing down, but it takes strength to conquer the fear. As much as you guys have been through, you all need to learn to that are stronger than you think…and if you can pull through this. This will only increase your confidence to do so." The counselor said as she made sure all their gear was on correctly.
"You guys can do this." She stated as she give them each a smile. Mike of course, wasn't buying her story.
Katie couldn't help but still be memorized. At this moment, the wood wall seemed to be touching the sky with ease. And all the possibilities were going through her mind. What if she got stuck up there? What if there was weak cord? What if….
"Where's that go get 'er attitude?" Bianca teased as the red head shook her head at the tall tower.
"I can't do this." The red head admitted. Her sports required her to be on the ground.
"Neither can I…..I can be held down by men...and yet I can't climb down a tower. It just seems as if all of this is giving us false hope. They preach that everything will be alright. But will it?" Bianca found herself opening her heart.
"I don't know…." The red head shrugged as she looked at Marisol. The girl was rubbing her arms. "I just want to press fast forward. I just don't want to keep fighting the urge to turn anything I see into a weapon to hurt myself." The two girls saw the model hold herself even harder.
She couldn't do this. She wasn't strong enough yet. She wasn't. and the sweat. She felt it on her body. And she felt their eyes on her…though hers were closed. And the film in throat appeared. She had to get rid of the stress. Of the anxiety. Opening her eyes, the tears came as she distanced herself from them.
"Marisol…..don't do it. Fight it." Ellie read the girl's mind. Seeing her place her hands over her ears. Trying to make the voices stop.
"I can't do this. I can't." She said with defeat. Envisioning the toilet in front of her. Seeing herself give into the feeling.
Bianca and Katie tried to go to her as Ellie kept them back.
"No…you must go through pain." She assured them as Katie couldn't watch this anymore. It was too hard to imagine what the girl was going through.
All of them were nearly brought to tears. Even Luke saw the severity of the girl's anxiety attack. He wouldn't wish this on anyone. Especially his sister. And he hated the fact how she fell so lifelessly on the floor.
"I'll do it with you then." Ellie held out her hand as the boys looked at her breakdown.
Mike looked at the girl. And she was right. He didn't belong here. It wasn't fair for people who wanted the help but couldn't find themselves….and here he was. He didn't want the help. He was stagnant and it didn't bother him. But he couldn't stand to see this girl on the ground holding herself. Like a fly under a magnifying glass. The five teens watched her meltdown.
"I'll do it." Mike volunteered as the girl still shuttered. He watched Ellie pull her up.
"Dallas you are a born leader." Ellie looked at the boy. "Why are you doing this with your life? Your parents….." She began.
"My parents think I am stupid."
"That doesn't make sense." The counselor saw the three girls hold hands.
"Doesn't matter to me." He climbed up the ladder to the top. The long ladder. With every step his life flashed before his eyes. Finally making it to the top, he wasn't nearly finished. Seeing them at the bottom, he saw the workers wish him luck. He didn't think it would be this high up. That was what he got for being a good guy. Good guys always finished last. Taking a breath, he felt the counselors connect him to the cord.
"Push against the wall with your legs and feet." The man instructed the boy as he balanced himself on the wood wall.
Why didn't he think of that?
He must be doing well with Adam and Luke cheering him on. Slow and steady won the race as he walked down slowly on the wood wall. Feeling his hands begin to sweat in the gloves, he was beginning to lose his nerve. But his hands gripped tighter against the cord. His leg muscles hurting more and more as he focused on reaching the bottom. Halfway down, he felt the wind kiss his cheek.
"He is so going to fall." Luke whispered in Adam's ear.
"Shut up Luke." Marisol defended the boy as she gained back her control. "At least he has guts."
Katie watched the boy take his time as Bianca stood by her. Both girls were thinking the same thing. All three were. No way in hell. And she began bite her lip as she saw Ellie put on her gear. But at least Marisol didn't run away. That was inspiration in itself.
"Us four are next girls…then me…Adam and Luke…" She smiled when Mike unhooked himself as he made it down.
"good job….." The ginger stated.
"…..whatever." Mike saw the model breathe a little easier. "It's not bad I promise." He noticed the black girl nod at him. "Keep your gloves tight." He helped her as Luke saw what he was doing.
"I'm not climbing up there." Bianca protested at this stupid activity. Ellie folded her arms as she laughed.
"Why because it can't yell at you. It can't hit you. Bianca this represents life. And the obstacles in it. And guess what. You can't run away from it. Girls when you do this, you will begin to feel so much better about yourself. I promise. I was once in your…."
"Cut your crap…..yes you were like us…but stop acting as if you can't see why anyone would want to do this." The badass watched the other two girls look up the ladder.
"You are right I do…but guess what. You don't have a choice in the matter. Bianca with you I have to take the direct approach because that is what you are used to. You are used to people spitting on you. Hitting on you…..but you know what. I will not give up on you. And that will no longer your our excuse. You have to go through pain…head-on…not around…and not under….head-on…And that goes for anyone here. Get your ass up that ladder." Katie and Marisol looked at the woman's firm tone.
"No…I am not….why so I can fail at another thing?" Bianca bit her tears back as Katie and Mare looked at her. The fearless girl was breaking.
"I'm not going to put myself through that again. I failed at protecting myself against my mom's boyfriend….against my pimp….against everything that has come….I won't…." They saw her tears escape her eyes.
The red head listened to her story as she grabbed the girl's hand.
"You won't be alone. I will be there." She gripped.
"Me too...just like before" Mare grabbed her other hand. "We will get stuck together." She laughed as Bianca sniffled. Finally climbing the ladder with Ellie behind them. They reached the top.
The boys watched the girls come down the tower. Slowly but surely. Luke definitely was uneasy about this and seeing Adam's expression made him know he was right to feel this. This wouldn't make his father drink less or make his mother come back. And seeing Mike look at the model made him huff.
"I thought it was too early to be chasing pussy?" Luke retorted to Mike as Adam shook his head. The black boy only ignored the statement. He wasn't as bad as his parents thought he was. He couldn't kick someone down when they knew they were already down. And he recognized the look in Mare's eyes. The helplessness.
"Why is every thing about a girl with you Luke? Why can't you see what this is truly about?" Adam grew tired of the boy's defense mechanisms. Sure he was quiet, but even he knew when to speak up for himself. And this was the time. Maybe Adam couldn't stand up to his own father and mother, but he wouldn't back down to anyone here.
"Maybe I am being a realist." The dirty blond stated. "Maybe I know that all of this will go in one ear and out the other ear when I get home." There was no point in lying to himself. Mike knew. He knew. They didn't want to be saved. They just wanted a vacation. And odd vacation. But at least a break.
"Or maybe you could learn to talk to your dad and tell him how you really feel?" Adam stated.
"Excuse you?" The boy approached the younger one. "Says the boy who burns himself because his parents divorced."
"Shut up you have no idea what my life is like….." Adam challenged.
"Guys…." Mike stood in between them. On the contrary to what everyone believed, he only fought when someone confronted him. It wasn't the other way around. Just because he hung out with thugs didn't mean he was truly one himself.
"Since when did the gang banger start to not like confrontation?" Luke blasted at the black boy.
"whateva….Luke you need to chill." Mike looked at the girls above them.
Marisol could only feel herself hanging still as her feet stopped against the wall. But the more she kept moving, the more the dizziness stopped. Balancing herself, she took deep breaths as she heard Ellie give her words of guidance. Looking over at Katie, the red head tried to brave.
Just because she was sporty, didn't mean that everything went her way. It didn't mean that she could control the most important things in her life. Her scars proved that. The red marks on her wrists. She couldn't take her eyes off of them as she hung onto the cord. She had never stared at them so hard before, and she couldn't take her eyes off the hideous sight. She saw the blood oozing from her lacerations. And she didn't see the girls beside her. She could only see her mother not there in her life. And herself being lonely. Without her mother's…..
"Hey Matlin." Bianca broke her from her reverie. "Let's get down this wall first then you can daydream." Her personality annoyed the red head.
"Says the girl who had a mental breakdown 45 minutes ago." The tomboy glared daggers at her.
"You know what….whatever…I thought I had mood swings." Bianca left her behind as she continued to walk down the high wooden wall. Why even bother?
Katie didn't mean to hurt the other girl's feelings. But then again, she was surprised the girl had any. With everything the rebel had been through, she wasn't as hardened as she should be…but she was very rough. And she somehow showed emotion in her dark eyes.
When did she become a counselor?
Adam watched as the three girls came down, and he had to suck the fear up. If he could come out to his family. If he could endure burnings, he could endure stiffness in his legs and aching hands. If he could endure needles, he could endure this…..
Grabbing the little liquid glass bottle from his medicine cabinet, he grabbed the sterile needle and syringe. His daily ritual, he stuck the needle inside himself feeling the testosterone ooze into his system. Finally he was getting his way. Finally his father was getting used to the idea that he wasn't a girl. That he wasn't Gracie. Maybe it would make him come back. He knew he was lying to himself.
"George…keep your voice down." Audra tried to whisper as Adam overheard as usual. His father walked into their home.
"All you are getting from me is alimony and child support." The man stated as he threw the bill on the floor. Sitting down on the bar stool, he began to breath slowly. His head was beginning to hurt. He loved his daughter but this was too much.
"I'm not asking you for money…." The woman made herself a drink knowing her son was hearing this conversation. He always heard.
"Good because I don't support what you are doing anyway. Helping him like this….Are you serious Audra….I am supposed to believe that my daughter is really a boy…I am supposed to believe that God made a mistake. Gracie is….." Adam heard their voices raise as he threw his needle in the trashcan. This wasn't fair that his mother had to deal with the man who was so close-minded.
"Adam…" The woman corrected as she drank the red wine. "and you are going to have to deal with it." She saw her son walk into the room.
"This is all out of spite….isn't it." The man folded his arms…not seeing his son's presence.
"No its not dad. This has nothing to do with mom. It's me. Leave her out of it." The teen demanded.
"Gracie….." The man began as the boy backed away. Shaking his head harshly. He wasn't trying at all.
"Don't call me that….ever again." He firmly said as he saw his mother rest against the wall. His father was beyond help. "I know you think it is a phase but it's not. And you won't accept this. It would make things better in the long run."
"And I never will support this." George looked him in the eyes. The fact that they could not agree to this put a strain to their relationship. "Me and your mom raised you to be conservative….to be…."
"O my god dad…not this again….not this speech." The boy began to leave. "You two raised me to love myself. I couldn't when I was Gracie…." The boy stated.
"fine….Audra you will get the check next week. Gracie…see you later." The teen knew his father hated when he called him that.
Climbing up the ladder, of course Luke waited for him to go first. Was there nothing obnoxious about the boy? But just like all the others, he had to prove this to himself. He had to make it through. Looking down the tower, he smiled hearing Katie cheer his name. He could do this after all.
….
The girls walked quietly to their cabin. Mare in the center as the other two pretended each other didn't exist. And the model realized she didn't want any chaos in her home. She already had a hard time sleeping at night. And she couldn't add on to this negativity. Especially when she had ate another decent meal today. Though she had to force herself, she triumphed. And she was getting back into the routine of eating again.
Mare grabbed the mail sticking out of their cabin mailbox as they returned from their repelling. Giving one envelope to Katie, the two girls were both anxious yet hesitant to open them. They wanted to hear from their families, yet they knew they would also hear the disappointment when reading their letters. How they wished they were strong enough to be with them now. But this was the best choice.
"How about we read our letters together?" The model laid on her bed as the tomboy laid beside. Both girls pushing their hair behind their ears. Their fingers were itching.
Bianca rolled her eyes at the two uppity girls as she laid cynically on her bed. Maybe she was jealous. There was no maybe. She was jealous. But no one cared to write to her.
"This isn't from my mom though. It's from Winnie…my maid." The red head noticed the handwriting. Once again, her real mother loved her more than her biological mother.
"What doesn't that surprise me princess?" Bianca turned her back to them. Of course Katie had a silver spoon in her mouth. It was obvious. Even though she was far from spoiled. And she was definitely far from close-minded. And even in their unsettling lives, the tomboy was still perfect to her.
The two girls read silently…taking in the heartache of the handwriting...hearing there loved one's voices in their heads as they read…they had a lot on their shoulders…and then…they became envious of Bianca. At least the girl didn't have anyone to answer to. At least the girl could make her own rules.
Sitting up from the bed, Katie put hers back in the envelope as she tucked it under her pillow….seeing Mare do the same thing. Both didn't want to talk about it. And their faces couldn't convey all the emotions they felt at the moment.
"Life sucks…doesn't it…." Mare asked as Katie nodded joining her again in the bed. Just as things got better for them, their lives proved them wrong.