I'm so deeply sorry that it took me that long to update this time. I tried to write a lot but school began again on Monday and I had to do a lot of stuff. Also it might take me that long more often from now on because the teachers want to keep me longer than necessary but hey I'll get over it.
And I know you won't care but on Monday I'll get my braces off! FUCK YEAH! FINALLY AFTER 3 YEARS AND A LOT OF CLOSED MOUTH PHOTOS. ;)
Thank you so so much for the reviews I already got and I hope you'll like this chapter.
"You can't stay in there forever.", I heard how Santana leaned against the door of the stall.
Right after she caught me we went to the toilet. And the looks were worse than I thought they would be.
I just couldn't understand it. How could they know? I didn't tell them. I wanted to, but I didn't.
"I kn-knew I should ha-have told them.", I opened the door and after Santana almost lost her balance she stood in front of me.
"Hm. You have to tell them that I'm not a lesbian!", okay, hold on. Was she really saying that?
"Excuse me?", I didn't stutter, that was a good thing, at least there was something I managed to do in that moment.
"I'm going to be here for you, but you need to make things clear.", yeah, that really sounded like Santana.
"Okay, my best friends just kinda outed me, and all you can think about is that people might think you're a lesbian too? Does it really always have to be about you?", I didn't sound angry. Well, I was angry but I couldn't manage to sound like that right now.
She came a step closer. I immediately took a few steps back, she was dangerous when she was that close to me. I couldn't resist her when she looked at me or made eye contact. I didn't lost this game yet but I knew I would. My action surprised her, I could say that because of her face. Her eyes widened and she had to open and close her mouth a few times before she actually said something.
"Uhm, yeah.. But it's not only about that. Do you really think they're angry because you're a lesbian or because you might have a girlfriend and didn't tell them?"
"What the...? I don't know but I don't really care either! I just want to know how they got to know about it. I mean, I didn't tell anyone.", I really don't know why it took me so long to think about it. Now it made sense. I only told Santana. Santana was the one to know. And when I remember our talk, when she said that it must be hard for me when there are only Quinn, Tina and her to know, it only made more sense. I must have stared at her like a creep.
"What?", her voice sounded kind of cracked. Why would she sound like that if she didn't do anything?
"You.", now it was me who took a step closer.
"What do you mean?", she furrowed her brows.
"You..you were the only one to know.-"
"Britt! Don't even think about that!", she kind of shouted. I shouldn't have trusted her.
"Why? Why did you tell them? What's your fucking reason for ruining my life at this fucking High School?", new tears were on my cheeks. I felt them and immediately wiped them away, now wasn't the time for crying she wasn't the one to see how weak I was.
"I didn't do anything! I would never do that!", Santana sounded like I would have ruined her life it's the completely opposite. This was the worst way to come out ever.
"Shut up! I hope it was worth it. You outed me, after all the things I did for you? You know what? I knew you wouldn't be the kindest girl but at least I thought I could trust you! Why did you force me to clear things with them if you already knew what was going on? Argh, forget it. I don't want to hear your reasons. Thanks, and don't even think about sitting next to me ever again.", I took my bag and stormed out of the toilet before she could have said anything else.
I didn't spent attention on where I was going, I just avoided to look at other the people, I could feel their judging looks anyway but that only brought me another embarrassing moment.
Someone ran into me, or better I ran into someone.
"Fuck it, get out of m-" I was about to scream anything bad I know when I saw a big smile and immediately knew who it belonged to.
"Well, you ran into me.. so.." Sam, honestly? Right now? Did this really have to happen? His smile faded and he looked stunned, but that wasn't really a surprise to me, when I think about the words I just said or wanted to say.
"I'm sorry." I looked at him and that was the first time since I've been out of the toilet, that my eyes weren't forced to look at the ground. I must have looked like a freaking wreck. Yeah, maybe I was a freaking wreck, I just wanted to hug my dad. Everything would get better than.
"What happened?" again, this sweet guy cared about me. No way that we could become more than friends but that would have been enough for me.
It was then that I saw Santana running in out direction.
"Can you take me home? Like, right now?"
"Sure.."
That was when he took my hand, I didn't really recognize it. He walked me to the parking lot while I was still looking over my shoulder, seeing Santana standing there and watching us. She looked sad. But why? She just outed me to my best friends. And with that she outed me to everyone. That was for sure, I mean yeah Quinn and Tina were nice to me but they couldn't keep secrets and especially not those kind of secrets. This must have hit them, of course they are my best friends how did I manage to not tell them until now? Well, whatever Santana did the job. But how could she, I was always sweet and nice to her. I've never been mean. I didn't even tell anyone about the fact that I showered her. I didn't tell anyone about the cuddles. And I would never do. So why couldn't she keep the fact that I was gay? After all she should have been scared, cause if I was a bitch, I would have totally told people.
But no, I'm Brittany, and I don't do things like that. As much as this hurt, I totally kept my mouth about everything that happened between me and her.
When we arrived at my house I wanted to say goodbye to Sam but instead of hugging me, he cupped my face and kissed me. Like on the mouth!
I pushed him away and screamed at him: "What the fuck are you doing!"
His face told me that he was surprised by my reaction.
"I thought that's why we came here.."
"NO SAM! I'm gay! That's why we came here!" (nothing left to lose) did I really just said that? It can't get any worse.. Only if someone put an announcement in the newspaper or something like that.
"So the rumors are true." he looked disappointed. Wait, rumors?
"Rumors? What do you mean?"
"Quinn and Tina talked about it.. Everybody knows."
"Fine, whatever. Bye." and with that I stepped into my house without looking back once.
Really? They already talked about it? Like everybody? Fuck it! That's not how it's supposed to be. It should have happened otherwise. I should have told them. Not anybody else. And especially not Santana! Quinn and Tina don't even know her. I told them that we're not friends, so they must think that I trust her more than them. Sure, that isn't true but still..
And than there is this fucking nice guy Sam, why did he have to kiss me? We could have been best friends but no, he had to kiss me.
I didn't want my face to get completely ruined, but that would mean I had to get other thoughts. I had to go for a run. Since it was only 11AM all the others were still at school I didn't have to worry about them seeing me.
I changed my clothes took my iPod and headphones and got out of this house. I ran faster than ever. But I didn't lose my breath. The music played and at first I were some David Guetta songs that I usually don't hear but they had a great beat for running. Plus, they kept me from thinking about the things that had happened today.
I hummed the last lines of the song while running trough the forest..
Where them girls at, girls at?
Where them girls at, girls at?
Where them girls at, girls at?
So go get them, we can all be friends..
After that another song came along, at first I didn't realize what it was..
Skies are crying, am watching
catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's end-
Definitely not, too sad. I was shaking my iPod for hearing another song
For you,
there'll be no more crying.
For you,
the sun will be shining.
And I feel it when I'm with you,
it's alright.
I know it's right.
Okay, that was enough, I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and pressed stop.
I should really get better music for runs. These songs sounded more like I was getting ready for a funeral.
I run the last 2 miles back without hearing music. I was so concentrated on my run that I didn't realize someone was standing at my door until I ran into that person.
Hell, that wasn't my day.
When I looked up I saw how she stared at me.
She cried. Her face was kind of puffy and her hair looked like a mess.
Man, what is it with her?
"Really? How do you even dare to come here?", I tried to walk past her but she wouldn't let me.
"Let me explain..please.", she whispered.
"Explain what, why you told my best friends that I was gay? No thank you, I don't need an explanation for that.", okay, I would have loved to hear why she did it. But I wasn't going to make it that easy for her.
"I didn't. I -" forget it.
"Yeah sure, you didn't. They figured it out on their own right? I'm so gay that you can look at me and immediately recognize that I am gay hm?", I was so damn pissed.
"Britt, let's go inside and talk about it.. please." How could she.
"What the.. NO! And I thought you wanted to make clear that you aren't gay. So why are you wasting your time staying here instead of telling them?"
"It's not a waste.."
"IT IS! Because I won't talk to you. And now leave me alone. Bye."
I still stood in front of her because I couldn't move past her.
I tried to look as annoyed as possible but to be honest I might have looked like a duck or something.
"Stop being like that to me. Okay? I didn't do anything wrong. If you don't want to talk, okay there you go. But don't think you can sit next to me without listening or talking to me.",she huffed.
Fuck it, why did it have to be freaking Monday? If it was Friday or Thursday, I wouldn't give a damn shit about this. But Monday?
I thought that I had to listen to her because of my lack of friends. Yeah, sure most people in my classes aren't strangers to me. But that's only another reason why I'm not going to be friends with them. They are all people how treated me like I was stupid and honestly, after all what Santana did, she didn't call me that.
"Gosh, okay.", she went two steps beside the door so I couldn't shut the door closed without her being right next to me.
"Sit down on the couch, I'm going to change my clothes.", after the run I smelled disgusting.
"Fine." she sounded soft. Softer than ever. But I didn't care I just wanted to get trough this and forget that I've ever known her. After I went upstairs and put on some sweatpants and an oversized v-neck Shirt on I went back down.
When she turned her head from the living room to see me she spoke: "You're beautiful."
Okay, now I was freaking out. Nobody would do that! Besides I'm in sweatpants she had no right to say something like that.
"Aren't you afraid of me trying to rape you when you say something like that?", I said while taking a seat next to her.
"Oh, am I in your personal straight space? Sorry I'll immediately move." Yeah, I was kind of a bitch right now, but she deserved it. When I stood up to change seats she took a grip around my forearm: "Don't."
"What don't? Do you even know how I feel? Horrible, like my life has reached its end. Tell me everything's going to be okay, because I know it will. But my time at this high school is going to be worse than the things that happened to me in my past. And you want to know whose fault it is? My own. Because I trusted you. How could I be so stupid? I-" I was interrupted by her.
"Don't call yourself stupid." at least she tried to be nice. But trying wasn't enough this time.
She gave me a small smile. It was barely there but still I saw it, like I saw that she didn't lie.
It's kind of easy for me to read people by their actions.
That is maybe the only good thing about the fact that everybody called me stupid.
You know, nobody wants to talk to someone who is stupid. So I hat to get to know them in another way.
It's strange how you can see if someone lies only by their eyes. And if they didn't let me make eye contact (just like fucking Santana) I found another sign.
With Santana it was that she got nervous when she lied. She starts doing unnecessary things with her hands or something like that.
To be honest, the last 30minutes, she didn't lie once.
"Let go of my arm." so she did. I ignored the word she said before and moved myself so that I sat on the opposite of her. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear her say it. But while she did it, I wanted to make eye contact, to remember myself why Quinn and Tina were the only ones I let in.
Why I didn't make friends with the popular people (besides Quinn).
Why I didn't tell anyone about my secrets. Nobody keeps a secret. Not if they are not technically involved. Now I knew that. But I had to have something that would always remind me.
I had to see the dark eyes of hers and always remember this horrible feeling that would overcome me once she said it.
She looked at me expectantly, like I should start or something.
"You have 5minutes, and you have to keep eye contact or I will throw you out of my house."
I sounded even more like a bitch than I wanted to but also my voice was low. Strange mixture but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything right now but about the girl in front of me.
She cleaned her throat and looked me deep in the eyes.
We never had such a deep conversation before I think she kind of had to get herself ready.
We made eye contact before, yes a few times but this time it was different. She didn't try to avoid my eyes she just looked straight into them. Hers weren't as dark as I thought they would be, they were warm and calmed me a bit.
The staring didn't stop as she began to talk, just like I wanted it.
I thought this would hurt, but I knew it had to, because in the end it was my own fault.
"You have to let me talk. Until I'm finished, it isn't much that I have to tell you, so it's not going to take you a lot of time okay?" I just nodded so she could continue.
"Fine, I didn't say anything to anyone-" I wanted to interrupt her immediately.
"No interrupting, remember?" again I just nodded.
"I don't know how and when they figured it out but you have to believe me that it wasn't me who told them. I would have never done that. I can totally help you figure out who it was, but you have to trust me then." she changed the seats and sat down next to me. Forcing me to turn so I could look her in the eyes again.
"How?" it was the only thing I could think about. I looked down into my lap. How? How am I supposed to trust her?
She shuffled closer to me and used her hand to lift my chin up, we were making eye contact again. She came a bit closer with her face. I started to feel uncomfortable but couldn't get away. I couldn't move at all. I just (again) felt the butterflies in my stomach. She looked me deep in the eyes while our faces were only inches from each other (probably only one).
"You just have to." she closed her eyes and moved towards my lips.
I didn't want that to happen at all, sure maybe I'm falling for her, but she's trouble. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't move. She's straight. She's straight. She let me feel it, she was straight! Of course, she is straight. This sentence has been repeated over and over again in my head.
I closed my eyes too and waited for her to arrive with her lips pressed against my lips.
Her lips were full and beautiful, I could say that. But I couldn't say that they would feel so good as they did. I felt like all the butterflies in my stomach were coming out. Okay less coming out it was more like they've been ripped out of my body.
I was afraid about how she would react, because I kissed her back, maybe that broke the rules.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. She began all the stuff that made her freak out a minute later when I joined her so maybe I shouldn't react and should have let her do whatever she wanted? She could let her little gay come out when it's behind closed doors?
That sounds disgusting.
My fears and thoughts about those terrible things flew away when she deepened the kiss. Both of her hands now gently resting on my cheeks but still they were keeping me close.
That was it, that was what I've been missing for so long.
Kissing a boy was different, I liked them, but never really fell for them. I didn't know if I was falling for Santana but the thought made me feel again the fears.
One of her hands was making its way to my back. It was like she could read my mind.
The touches were calming me and I could have really gotten used to this.
She slowed the kiss and finally pulled away. The latina in front of me didn't open her eyes immediately but leaned in for another kiss but has been interrupted by the noise of our front door.
Her eyes grew wide and she jumped off the couch.
I could see the panic in her eyes and I wanted to make her calm down like she did it with me just a few seconds ago. But I couldn't. She wouldn't let me.
She shook my hand off of her when I tried to reach for her arm and ran out of the house. I tried to keep the tears that were coming up inside.
"Well, we didn't mean to interrupt you girls, but you're supposed to be at school.." my mother said.
So, that's where the noise came from and that's what made Santana run.
I don't know if I was happy that she was gone, or if I wanted her to come back.
If she'd came back, maybe she would've just shouted and freaked out again.
I didn't think that she would ever come back. I felt my phone vibrating in the pocket of my sweatpants so I looked if it was Santana. I hoped it was her.
I was right, it was her.
But it wasn't what I wanted her to write.
Santana 1:50 P.M.: DON'T TELL!
She is straight, totally straight.
As usual thanks for reading. :)
I bet there are loads of mistakes in it but I wanted to give you something without waiting another week. I'm gonna look over it in the next few days.
As I said I'm back at school (unfortunately) so there isn't as much time to write but I'll keep it going.
PM and reviews are always welcome (I'll try to answer them personally this time), and if you have ideas to make the story more interesting or anything just talk to me, I won't bite.