Eye contact Chapter 6: Finally, a glee fanfic

At first, thanks for supporting me and giving me reviews. I'm pretty sorry it took me that long, but actually I had kind of trouble with my parents and was stuck in some paper work for a student exchange to america, but, whatever. So here's a part of the next chapter. So, I hope you'll like it. Much love to you. ;)

11PM I checked the time again, and it was still Monday. I stopped crying 2 hours ago. Not because I got over it, but there weren't any tears left. 'Don't tell!' I really don't know what hurt more, the fact that she didn't think of it as much as I did, or the fact that I cared so much.

I should have known that it was a mistake. Why did she even have to kiss me. My mother recognized that something was wrong maybe because I was already crying when she wanted to know why I haven't been at school

Why is it so damn complicated? Everything could have been so fucking easy. If I had another locker, I didn't have to talk to her. And if I didn't have to talk to her, this kiss would have never happened.

But I really couldn't think of all the 'what if's now, there was another question, what was I supposed to do now?

I barely managed to not look at her lips even before she kissed me. But right now? That wasn't possible. But I thought that maybe she wouldn't try to talk to me anyway.

Gosh, wouldn't be able do describe my feelings at all. It was a mixture made of angst, sadness, being mad and feeling sorry for myself.

And that was the last thing I thought about before falling asleep.

Tuesday

Fine, I had to go to school, after I hadn't told my mom the reason for me not being at school, she didn't even try to listen to me.

"No! Forget about that. You're going to school! We don't have to discuss about that Brittany!"

"Mom please, I'm just not feeling like I should go today." yeah, like that would change anything.

"And I'm not feeling like I should go to work today, but someone has to pay for that food your cat is eating all the time!" so what? That didn't have anything to do with what I just said.

"He's not eating that much!" okay eating much was an understatement for Tubbs.

After I said that I rushed out of the house. To my surprise I was definitely not able to pretend that Santana didn't exist. But honestly? I would have thought that maybe I could do that at least until I'd arrived at school. But no, Mrs Lopez totally had to stay in front of my house this Tuesday morning after the worst night I ever had, and more important after the worst day I ever had. And my house isn't really on her way either. She's really a person that needs her attention.

"Britt.." she greeted me with a small smile and a wave thrown in my direction. This time, I wouldn't walk past her, I wouldn't show her how much that kiss yesterday affected me.

"Hey Sanny, how are you?" thank god for the hours I spend practicing to lie in front of my mirror.

It sounded almost real, and I could say by the expression on her face, that she wasn't expecting that at all. We began to walk and I waited for her to response.

"Uhm, ...I- I'm fine. A-a-and y-you?" this was priceless. She really thought I would be the weak one again. But no, she had hurt me enough, I'm just gonna rebuild my walls. She remembered me, why I did that in the first place. Here I am again, with not even Quinn and Tina. Right, Quinn and Tina. I had to talk to them soon.

Santana looked at me while we were walking and she's been so distracted that she almost run into a lantern. I had to hold back the giggles that wanted to escape my mouth but couldn't hold back a grin. "Stop acting weird, or we won't even make it to school without you dying. I'm fine by the way." I sounded cheerfully. "Well, it's not me who's really acting weird.." no she wasn't winning this time. "Sure, so, do you have the German homework?" I didn't look at her but smiled. I smiled at how good I could act like nothing was wrong. At least that's what I thought.

After a few minutes of total silence and my heart hurting like everything and nothing at the same time I felt a hard grip around my arm. Santana led me (in a not so soft way) behind the gym. It wasn't until now that I realized that we already arrived at school. "Get yourself together! What are you doing?" I grumbled while shaking her hand off of my arm. "Brittany! You're pretending like yesterday meant nothing to you! I know how you are. And really, if anyone of us has been affected by yesterday it's probably you!" why is everyone thinking I'm weak? Everybody thinks that I can't stand reality or that I'm going to kill myself because my favorite TV-Show isn't on for another 40days. Why? I'm happy most days and I like unicorns, also I'm pretty sure my cat has read my diary but this doesn't mean that I can't handle reality.

Sure, what happened yesterday had almost killed me and inside of me there are still parts that hurt like someone just put knifes in them (a lot of parts felt like that, to be honest) but I can handle it. I wasn't supposed to show her my pain. Not this time.

"Okay, Santana I'm just trying to be honest with you right now. Yesterday got out of control. There were just too much emotions. So that kiss was just your reaction. Probably that happens more often to you, cause as you made clear, it doesn't affect you at all. Right now, I don't really see what's the point. I mean, I don't care. You don't care. Nobody cares and still you've been dragging me here and trying to get something out of me that doesn't exist?"

Really, when I heard the words coming out of my mouth I almost believed them.
But it was a lie, I cared, I cared so much, I cared too much.

"Uhm, well.. yes, I mean, I don't know.. just.. uhm. Forget it, we have to go to class."

"Okay." I cheered.

Class was boring as always and really I've been here for like a week and already hate most of my classes. I wanted to talk to Sam today and tell him that while I'm indeed gay, Santana is totally straight but I didn't see him so it just had to wait.

Tina and Quinn were avoiding me and didn't answer one of the what seemed like a million messages I sent them. Well, and like that wasn't enough, I had to spend my time with this one girl who kissed me but I had to pretend like that didn't mean anything. And yes, by the time I could tell that I have never felt that way for any guy. So I hoped I didn't but I fell for her. Of course she wasn't supposed to know that. So I tried to work out and make friends as much and often as possible. If that turned out as a success I'd probably get over her. At least that's what I hope.

That's how I spent the following 2 weeks until something happened.

It was Friday and I was just about to head home when I met Santana at her locker.

We got kind of close the last to weeks and with close I don't mean actually close but classmates close. That means that we would spend afternoons learning, like really learning or talking (about school or something lame like football).

"Hi there." she greeted me with a huge smile on her face. She always had that smile on Fridays, like the day would be the best of her life. "Hey San." I greeted her back. To be honest I really acted like there was nothing between us, like the distance between us didn't bother me, like I didn't really like her, like she meant nothing to me. It hurt, not the acting but the way she bought it. She believed everything I said. I'm not a person who likes to have this personal space, not when it comes to her. I'd like to share everything with her, and have her as close as possible. But reality was, that we didn't even hug goodbye. We would just wave and smile in each others directions.

"Still on for tonight?" she distracted me from my thoughts, right it was Friday, that meant she would teach me Spanish later.

"Yeah, sure." I took some books into my locker and wanted to go when I heard a familiar voice coming from behind me.

"Britt?" okay, 2 weeks after 'that thing' happened Sam showed up at school for the first time. What was it with him? I turned around to face him. He didn't look bad at all, maybe a bit lost but that could mean everything.

"Sam, how are you?" I hugged him tightly. That didn't surprise me since he's the only person from my school who I could really hug at all since Tina and Quinn still pretended like I didn't exist and Santana wouldn't let me be closer to her than 5feet. He hugged me back and I could see Santana staring at us with a look that reminded me of jealousy.

"I'm fine, thanks. I just went on vacation with my parents, that's why I haven't been at school for the last 2 weeks.."

Thank god it was that simple. "Gosh, that's nice. Where have you been?" I wasn't really interested but I didn't want another 'what's-our-Maths-homework' conversation with Santana either. "Uhm, maybe we could talk about that later? I actually wanted to invite you to join Glee club." Glee club? I'm really good at dancing, but singing? I don't know.. "Uhm, well.."

"Just come with me and take a look, if you don't like it, then okay. But if you do, then stay. Okay?" He was smiling with his (really) big mouth, so I couldn't resist. "Okay, sure.. When and where?"

Now he smiled even wider, I didn't think that was possible. "Right now and I'm taking you there." He turned around to Santana who was still standing there watching us. "You coming Satan?" she rolled her eyes at his comment. What did I miss? Why is he calling her 'Satan'? Okay, maybe I could ask her about that later, when I'm getting my Spanish lesson. The three of us (Sam in the middle) walked to the room where glee club was headed.

When we entered the room a bunch of people was already sitting in the back. I immediately spotted Quinn and Tina, I didn't know they were joining Glee club. "Hey guys, I brought someone new!" Sam said while waving his hands up and down in front of me. Santana rolled her eyes again and went to sit down in the back row. Quinn and Tina sent me some looks that could have killed me. I didn't really know where to sit. "Blondie, you can sit next to me!" Santana called. What? Blondie? Why did she call me Blondie? I think that wasn't nice and actually it got me a bit. What the fuck was wrong with her? She acted like I was her bitch!

I was about to take the seat next to her because I didn't know where else to sit, I even thought about sitting on the ground when Quinn stood up and turned around to face Santana. She began to yell at her: "Don't you fucking dare to talk to her like that!" Well, that wasn't exactly what I expected but okay. Santana was a little bitch, I knew that but what she answered was too much. "Fuck off Quinn, you avoided her for like 2 weeks just because she's gay! So don't tell me how to talk to her." Yeah sure, why not telling everybody as soon as they get to know me. Sam ran to Santana and forced her to follow him outside.

"Uhm, okay.. I'm Brittany and as you know thanks to Santana I'm gay too." I stuttered while sitting down on the free spot next to Quinn.

I didn't get what Santana's problem was. Maybe it had something to do with the guys that were threatening her. I don't know, maybe I should talk to her about that later, but honestly we didn't talk about something personally since that kiss.

She and Sam came back 5 minutes later. Santana gave me a questioningly look about my seat but didn't say anything. Santana and Sam were followed by the teacher. His name was Mr Schuester, well everybody calls him Mr Schue anyways. "Oh, I see someone new in here. What's your name?" he said while looking at me. His voice is quite nice and he looks pretty good. I guess Glee club could become my first 'class' to like.
"I'm Brittany."

"Okay, so Brittany, if you want to join Glee club, you have to audition. the stage is yours." Everybody laughed really hard. I didn't know why but answered Mr Schue's question "Well, I don't have anything prepared."

"Then think about it while I'll give the first performance!" Santana said. The judging looks from the others told me that it wasn't something you had to expect from her. She stood up and walked to the free spot in front of the seats. Santana shrugged with her shoulders and then turned around whispering something to Mr Schue who was now sitting in front of the piano. He began to play a melody. I knew this song.. Santana looked at me, gave me a small smile and began to sing:

Walking
Same side
Wish I could hold on to what's on my mind

Walking
Hold tight
Wish I had known how to be on your side

If I'd known before

I'll be holding you so tight
Try to get it right this time
Never should have followed that dream, know what it's all about
I'll be loving you somehow
Start to give it to you now
Show you but a laugh and cry, baby I will ease your mind

Walking
Same side
Wish I had known from the start to be kind

Okay, yes, I really knew that song. Santana kind of had her eyes glued on me which made me feel uncomfortable.

Walking
Hold tight
Look for a way cause I'm willing to try

If I didn't knew better, I would've thought she meant me. But, whoever she meant, she really felt that song.
I didn't expect her to even know that song at all.

If I'd known before

I'll be holding you so tight
Try to get it right this time
Never should have followed that dream know what it's all about
I'll be loving you somehow
Start to give it to you now
Show you but a laugh and cry, baby I will ease your mind

Why was she even singing that song?

Gonna love you soon sister sun brother moon
Gonna love you soon sister sun brother moon

Of course, the others tried to figure out which song it was.

I think I saw a tear escape her eyes but I'm not quite sure about that.

Will ease your mind
Will ease your mind

Gonna love you soon sister sun brother moon
Gonna love you soon sister sun brother moon
Gonna love you soon

When she finished all the people in the room were sitting and just watching her, but then they applauded her. "What song is that?" Quinn asked in a not so friendly way, like the song was disgusting. "Leslie Clio – Sister Sun Brother Moon." I answered so quiet that I thought nobody heard me. "That girl who had a single called 'I couldn't care less'?" Rachel asked. "Yes." I answered a bit louder this time "She's German." And that's how I managed to have all of their looks on me again.

"Where did you get that from?" some of them asked at the same time. "Uhm.." I didn't know exactly how to tell them that I actually spend more time in Germany than at school.

"Does that even matter?" Santana asked, the first thing she said after her performance. She was loud enough that the people outside of this room could have heard her. Everybody was looking at her again and I felt immediately better. Although she didn't have to do that for me, I'm really grateful she did.
"Okay, whatever. Nice performance Santana. Brittany? Your turn will be tomorrow okay?" Mr Schue gave me a smile and I felt good. "Actually I'd rather dance.. than sing-" Sam interrupted me "YES! The girls said that she is an awesome dancer!" His smile was bigger than ever.

There were only 40 minutes left of the class and Quinn and Tina looked at me every 5 minutes.

I liked it, that meant they still cared about me. And when I'm lucky enough they would talk to me.

For once in my life I was really that lucky person.

After Mr Schue ended the class Quinn, who was sitting right next to me turned herself around. Now she was facing me "Can we just talk?" she asked. Really? This is probably that one thing I wanted to have the last 2 weeks! "Britt, are you coming?" Santana asked. I looked at her and answered her straight "No, I'm staying. See you later." (It was Friday, I would see her today anyways.) She let her eyes rest on Quinn for what felt like a lifetime before saying "Okay." and heading outside. I could say that she was disappointed but well, she'll get over it. "So?" I asked Quinn and Tina who were now sitting in front of me. As soon as everybody was out of the room Quinn was hugging me tightly. I felt a bit surprised but hugged her back immediately. I could hear that she was crying.

"Shh, it's okay." I whispered in her ear and hold her even tighter. "No. No it's not!" she said while loosening her grip and looking at me again. "You're thinking we were angry because of you being a lesbian.." Think? "Well, last time I checked that was the reason for you ignoring me." Quinns eyes told me that I was wrong. "No! It was never about that. Britt, we know that you're lesbian for what feels like forever." Eh what? "Thanks.", I was kind of disappointed in that moment, because, if they knew, why didn't they tell me? That would have been much easier for me and for them.

Tina must have recognized my disappointment cause she let her hand fall to my back and drew small circles. I relaxed at that. I always relaxed when they did stuff like that, unfortunately they didn't very often. "Britt, you've never been interested in any guys. No matter how hot they are, you'd always be like: Not my type. Of course we got that you're more interested in girls we-" "Why didn't you just ask me?" I blurted out. "We wanted you to tell us on your own. It wasn't us to tell you that." Quinn answered. Her voice was soft and calmed me. "Okay, I guess you're right then.. But, why were you angry then?" The looked at each other before answering "You didn't tell us. You know, it's not nice to hear that your best friend is gay from someone else, who doesn't know her at at all." Fuck Santana! "I know, I'm sorry, I don't understand why I even trusted her."

Quinn and Tina furrowed their brows at that. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Well, at least you're still talking about my mother!" Quinn said. "What? No! I was never talking about your mother, I talked about Santana! She told you, didn't she?"

"Hold on, you told Santana before you told us? What kind of best friend are you?" Tina yelled.

Quinn shot her a look that easily could have killed her.

"Tina, just go. I'm gonna talk to Britt on my own."

"But I-" Tina tried to respond but Quinn wouldn't let her: "TINA!" "Okay whatever. I'll just wait outside." and then she was out of the room. "I'm sorry, she would have just made it worse than it already is." I just nodded to make her continue. "Okay, you know, it's not like I didn't get that thing between you and Santana. I have no idea what's going on with you two, but feel free to tell me." That thing? There was nothing between me and Santana, unfortunately. "Quinn, really.. there is nothing we could talk about.. She just..She's.." I couldn't believe how hard it was to talk about her. "It's okay sweetie, you'll figure it out! I'll help you. Just give Tina some time.. She kind of doesn't see your point. But she'll get over it." Quinn said while looking at the door where Tina stood on the other side. "Well, I'm really sorry for not telling you. But honestly I haven't told your mom either.." Where did she get that from at all? Quinn let out a laugh "I guess you told your mom?" Right, our parents are like twins. "Yeah, so this is where that came from." My gaze fell into my lap.
"I'm sorry that I hadn't been there for you. But I'm making it up to you, I promise!" With that Quinn hugged me tighter than she ever. It really felt good to have her back. Now I just had to get trough the Spanish lesson and then the day would be gone.

When I wanted to head home Quinn insisted on taking me home. So we walked side by side talking about everything and nothing. Tina wasn't with us, she was already gone when we finished talking.

It had been nice to have Quinn back, we had some deep conversations which I really enjoyed. Quinn didn't really want to go home, so I just invited her to stay. And a few Revenge episodes and talks about Finn Hudson or Rachel Berry later my phone buzzed. At first I didn't want to get it at all, but it wouldn't stop.

When I reached it Santanas face showed up on my screen. Why was she calling me? And then it clicked. Fuck, I totally forgot our Spanish lesson. Shit, I so not wanted to have a conversation like this right now. What was I supposed to say?
Well, whatever I had to answer the call anyways.

"Hey San." Maybe she wasn't mad at all. Quinn gave me a wink when she realized who I was talking too.
"Where are you?", okay, she definitely has been mad. Quinn whispered something about me asking Santana out.
"Quinn stop it!" I couldn't hold it back. I hoped Santana didn't hear that, but I totally had already used my daily portion of luck.
"Are you with Quinn?!" She didn't sound angry, just disappointed.
"Uhm, well.. Yeah she's here. But I'll be over in 10 minutes okay?" Please..
"I didn't mean to interrupt you. Whatever." Then she hung up.

"Soooo, is she going to go on a date with you?" Quinn teased. I slapped her arm slightly while shaking my head.
"I don't think so. I guess she's mad at me."'I know' would have fit better.
"Why? Is she thinking that we're having something?" uhm, why would she think that?
"No, why? But I was supposed to be at hers right know to get my Spanish lesson." Right, Spanish.
"Uhm, is that a gay-code for making out?" And people said that I was stupid.
"No Quinn, like I told you it's a code for learning Spanish." It wasn't even a code at all.
"Okay, so let me take you there."

Quinn brought me to Santana and when I saw her spying us through a window of her mansion I immediately regretted that Quinn hugged me so tight.

I didn't like doorbells so I just knocked on the door like I always did.
Santana opened the door and didn't say anything. She just walked back into the house leaving the door open so that I could follow her.

"Well, hi to you too." I didn't mean to say something that let the already there tension grew but I did.
Santana turned around we were in the living room, and I would totally say that she had cried.
"So, everything okay with Quinnie und Tina?" she sound offended.
"Uhm yes. Listen, I'm sorry that I-" she interrupted me
"Oh no, no need to be sorry. I know, I was just that little pillow to catch you when they let you fall but know there's no use for me anymore right?" What? How could she even think things like this? I took a step closer to her but she backed away. She was avoiding to look at me.
"Santana, listen to me. I'm sorry that I forgot about our Spanish lesson but I really had to clear things with Quinn. She's my best friend. I thought you'd understand that." Again I took a step closer, but again she took a step back.
"So what? You don't need me anymore? You have enough of me? Are you serious cause-" Enough!
"Santana stop it! Don't even think about it that way. Just because everything is okay with Quinn, doesn't mean that I got Spanish skills! Of course I still need you. That thing with Quinn and Tina has nothing to do with you! I didn't think it would bother you at all." The last part came out as a whisper. But her answer showed that she heard it "Of course it bothers me when someone uses me." What the fuck?
"San I never used you!" Of course I didn't!
"What did you tell her about me?" finally there were tears coming up in her eyes.
"I just told them that I have most of my classes with you and that you're actually the person I told first about... you know." It was still hard to say it out loud.
"Did you tell them about the shower? Or the kiss?" the tears rolled down her cheek slowly. Why would I do that? Of course I didn't tell Quinn or Tina about that.
I took a step closer, this time she didn't try to get away. She just stared at me. I dried her tears with the sleeves of my sweater.
Now we made eye contact again. This time it was much deeper than the others although they were deep too. But this thing was another stage. It was like I'd finally got to her. But I totally knew this wasn't real. It was just a weak moment of hers. Seeing her eyes in that stadium almost hurt. She looked lost. But why? Had she really thought I would have told them? Is that how much she trusted me? Is that what all this behavior is about?
I answered with my voice as soft as possible "No, of course I didn't! And I'm not going to either. Is that the reason for you being offended? Did you really think I would tell them?"
"N- No I-I j-just d-do-don't know how to handle this..." she gestured with her hands, so that I knew she meant us. Me and her.
"What do you mean?" I was confused.. I didn't know what we were, but more important, I didn't know what she wanted us to be.
"Another time.. For now we could start t practise Spanish?" There she was again. And she shut me down in like 30 seconds. Personal best.
"Or we could talk about us. And get to know each other better.." My voice raised and I kind of was afraid that there was too much hope behind it.
"Sounds good to me."

I opened my arms and hugged her for the first time in 2 weeks.

Song: Leslie Clio - Sister Sun Brother Moon.

I hope you guys liked it.
Let me know what you think of it. ;)
Let's just hope I'm faster with the next one.
What would you think about another kiss?