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Rekindling

Chapter Fifteen

I woke up in the middle of the night when I heard the sound of thunder rolling closer to the house. It had to be at least two in the morning, and when I turned to see if Peeta was lying next to me, I found the space empty. I walked quietly out of my room and made my way to the family room. In the dark, I could only see the outlines of the furniture, but when the lightning flashed outside, it lit up the room. Unlike our windows in our old house, the ones in the family room of this house were floor to ceiling, literally looking as if you could walk right off of the floor into the backyard. I saw Peeta sitting by one of the windows, leaning against on of the posts that held the windows there.

"Peeta?"

He jumped when he heard me and wiped at his face with the neckline of his t-shirt. He cleared his throat and looked at me as I crouched down next to him.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Nothing," he lied, looking away from me and out the window.

I could tell his eyes were red when the light of the storm outside flickered against his face. He rested his arms over his bent knees and pressed his head against the post he was leaning against.

"I think you've lied to me enough lately," I replied, sitting across from him.

"I haven't lied."

"You've kept things from me," I rephrased. "So what's wrong?"

Peeta shook his head, like he didn't want to talk. He had bags under his eyes from a lack of sleep, and I guessed he hadn't been sleeping much at all lately.

"A lot of things have happened recently," Peeta explained. "It's a lot to process."

"I'm sorry that I'm leaving you to process it alone."

I knew that having me not remembering my past was taking its toll on Peeta since he simply couldn't start up a conversation about something he remembered. He had to make sure what he said to me wouldn't reveal the issues from our past, or give me something stressful to think about. I bet he had something to say right now that he was keeping to himself for my sake.

"It's not your fault," Peeta said, looking away from the window finally.

His mind seemed so bombarded with stress and it showed on his face even in the darkness of the room. I wanted so badly to take it away from him, the burden of remembering while I remained memory-less. He needed to talk to someone, if not me.

"Maybe you should talk to Dr. Aurelius," I suggested, hoping that he wouldn't take it the wrong way.

"I already am," Peeta said, laughing at the truth. "Have been."

"What for?" I asked, wondering if he had been talking to Dr. Aurelius recently or during the time I couldn't recall.

"For the same reason you did," he said.

"My past?"

"Yeah," Peeta said. "I talk to him about the past. Doctors can't erase it, though."

"No," I said, whispering. "Just head injuries."

"I didn't mean to sound—"

"You didn't," I said, waving him off.

"It's just… I know you don't think so, Katniss, but you deserve not to remember," he said.

I could tell he meant that in the nicest way possible. It wasn't the ground connecting with my head after the explosion that I deserved, but the memory loss as a result that I did.

"You made people's lives so much better in the past and no one could ever repay you for being the face of that change. Forgetting is the ultimate gift."

It was the first time Peeta had mentioned something significant about the past, which sent a million questions racing through my head. Why were people's lives bad to start with? Why would they have to repay me? What could I have possibly done?

"You have to understand that that's hard to accept," I said.

Peeta nodded, looking sad. I could tell he wanted me to be done with the pity I felt for myself over not remembering. There were so many more worries I had now especially after seeing him like this, so miserable as he took this on alone.

"That's because you don't remember," Peeta said, shrugging. "Of course you'd think your old life was worth missing."

"Was it that bad, Peeta?" I asked him. "What happened to us?"

"Think of every terrible thing you can think of," Peeta said, a pained look on his face.

It seemed that a part of him just wanted to tell me as we sat in the dark across from each other. I had a feeling this was going to be the last time he hinted at anything for a while, so I did what he told me to. I thought of something terrible happening to him, and about having my kids taken away from me and having no control over it. I thought of murder and pain and torture. Of starvation and families being torn apart. Fire, ashes, dead bodies, and betrayal.

"Okay," I whispered, nodding.

"You've got your past," Peeta said.

I felt tears wet my eyes at the thought. Maybe Peeta was right for being so animate about telling me nothing. I couldn't fathom my past being as bad as the things I thought up in my head. Even the story Rosemarie told me didn't seem scary like Peeta made it out to be.

"I'm just afraid of one thing," I told Peeta, figuring I should get it off my chest now since we were so serious and on the topic of my memory loss.

"What is it?"

"I'm afraid that you'll love me less the longer I don't remember."

"That's impossible," Peeta said, sounding shocked that the idea even crossed my mind.

"I forgot everything that made us us. You can still love me even though I don't remember?"

"I still love you even though you don't remember," Peeta reassured me.

"How?"

"Because I loved you even before anything happened between me and you. I never needed… certain situations to convince me of my love for you."

I didn't know how to respond to that, because as we sat in the family room, near the big windows revealing the storm outside, I was so aware of how much Peeta loved me. I literally could feel it radiating from him. He had to have been the only good thing from my past and I had to believe that was the case. I had to be thankful that he was here with me now like I knew he was in my past.

"Peeta," I whispered, hugging my knees to my chest as another flash of lightning illuminated the room.

"Yeah?"

"I won't ask anymore," I said, knowing that that was what Peeta deserved, if not to forget the past himself.

Peeta's eyes filled with tears, the way they had been when I found him here by the window.

"I'll tell you only the good things when I'm reminded of them," Peeta said. "I promise."

"I promise too."

He moved closer to me so that he was sitting next to me and so we were both looking outside at the trees that nearly bent to the ground with each gust of wind. It felt natural looking out at the woods and listening to the rain as we sat together. I was happy to feel Peeta's arm wrap around me as thunder shook the house, feeling like I'd be fine as long as he was around.

"I'll tell you a story," Peeta whispered to me after a while and as we lay in front of the window, watching lightning race across the sky. He was playing with my wedding ring as my hand rested on his chest. "A good one, but just one."

"I'm listening."

I closed my eyes while he whispered the story about the pearl in my wedding ring. There were moments when I could tell he changed a detail or two, or had to pause to say it a different way, but I basked in every word. He was the one person I trusted with everything, so I accepted the detail changes to be for the best. We fell asleep halfway through the story of when he asked me to marry him, and the last thing I remembered that night was the way the rumbling of Peeta's chest as he talked calmed me so quickly, and how I knew deep down that I had spent so many more nights before this being comforted by the sound of his voice.

After that, my life was so spectacular that I didn't have to worry about the part of my life that I forgot.

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unknownbyhim22