Guys I'm back :)

hope you still remember me and cheer with me this time :) ..

Hemm I don't want to babbling here so hope you enjoying this ..

Disclaimer : I. Do. Not. Own. Big. Time. Rush. If I ever did own it maybe they will be die young to me hahahah. *forget it*

Chapter 4 : the Breaking Heart

I look at my reaction at the mirror. Wearing white T-shirt that covered with blue hem and like the usual with the tight jeans who I thought it was the comfort to me. I knew that tonight we was doing a party and stuff, but if I to be honest I don't really enjoy it what I want to do is just go to somewhere, someplace like peace place far away from the noises.

With my mess hair up, pale face added the black circle under my eyes who didn't even help at all and oh I forgot plus I'd thank to my puffy eye that I've got about an hours ago. Yeah, I know, I can't blame it all because it was my entire fault. My fault why I had to this disease. My fault why I had to be so weak and freaking stupid. My fault why there's nothing I can do and like just waiting for the dead to take my soul. I'm the leader but why could I be so weak? God, what should I do ?

When my memory came back to Jo, the tear of mine couldn't stop to falling apart from my eyes. How could I pass this situation ? This feelings ? I truly love Jo now and then, still I'm gonna love her in deep of my heart. I wanted her to with me forever till I close my eyes; if it was really necessary. But I realize that I couldn't be so selfish like that, she deserves to get more better life than have to spending her life with the dying person or hopeless person just like, me.

I sighed, bowed my head on the ground still my hands standing on the sink.

I guessed that everybody was already here. I could hear all the yelling, screaming or even just step of foods on here and there. All of those noises made me afraid, afraid that I can't hear it again. Afraid that I'm gonna be alone and no one with me even the worst is that voice leave me. To be honest, it makes me to think closer of my deadly.

I shook my head to get off of that thought then swept my hair through my fingers.

Slowly, I took my body closer towards the mirror as gripping the sink tighter to balance my weight. The pain. That pain appear after that; I tried to hold it back but nothing; I closet my eyes tightly, my body was trembling, I could feel that my heart beating faster as my sweat fell from my forehead and I frozen for a while.

I grinned while panting to hold the pain away from me; not for now, not this time. But it failed because the pain more stronger than I thought, quickly my right hand covered my belly' area and squeezing it while my left hand still gripping at the sink tighter try to swift the pain.

This pain come often than I thought and it's more stronger every then.

"Aaagghh..." my breathing is uncontrolled, my cold sweat slowly urge to come out from my whole body.

I bowed my body spontaneously and moaning in the pain.

"N-not now, please," I whispered to myself to make it keep strong.

I tried to chance my position in upright position hoping it'd help to get my normal breathe back. Nope. It was my bad move ever that I took.

To balance my weight some more, I grabbed anything stuff in around me without I had to know what was that, but it couldn't take my weight too long knowing that stuff fell on the ground, making a loud dang noise at the moment. Because of that I fell on the floor; in circle position while my hands holding tighter my stomach. I tried not to scream or let anything voice that could anyone out there hear even it was hard to do but I was glad that I could handle it this time even with the tears falling from my eyes.

I don't want someone know about this, yet.

After I thought it was enough to the pain away, I opened my eyes and tried in the second time to get up and this time I helped with the wall to pulling me up. As I was trying to get my body to stand, I heard someone of out there calling someone else but I couldn't hear it clearly. But I was sure that the voice was familiar to me.

"Ke-kendall?"

"Kendall!"

By the time, that voice more clearly to me. Someone already realized that it was me.

When I got stand by my feet, I took a small steps over to the door, making sure that I couldn't fall this time even that pain was gone but I can feel that I'm still weak to walk by myself.

Before I reach and open the door I make sure that my face was alright and pretending that there has nothing happen here.

I grabbed the knob of the door, opened it and found Logan standing on front of it with the worried face.

"H-hey, Logan," I said with a big smile on my face, hiding all of my problems on it. Hopes he don't notice it.

Logan just standing on there with the blank expression that I couldn't read what was he thinking.

"A-re you okay ?" finally Logan came out with something, he was scary me out and I don't like when someone keeps silence like that; it reminds me about...something that I really wanted to forget.

"Y-yeah I'm fine,," no Logan, I'm not. I'm afraid to tell so even I'm afraid knowing that something's wrong with me. I don't even know that I will be fine after all of this. All, everything is too heavy for me, I wanted to tell anything, everything to you guys about what had happened to me but not ready for it, not this time. I don't want you guys babying me after knowing about it.

Besides, you guys don't deserve about this. It's all my problems and I'm gonna get over it with by myself.

"Is everyone ready to the party?" I tried to make it easy to Logan. I don't want to he thinks like crazy about me; you should know he's the brain one.

"Y-ya, I guess so.."

I smiled at him, grabbed his hand and led him to back in the place that it belongs to.

"Ken, are you alright?" Logan took my arm and turned me by it.

"Logie I'm fine. Look," for the thousand times I gave him a smile hoping he will believe me this time without any questions, "Logie can you believe me that everything is fine?" our eyes was meeting. His brown eye so calm to me, I and Logan were best friends so long time ago. We known each other as well. We're like a family, he's like my brother to me and I feel so save when I near him even I'm the leader that always protect my friends however it was but somehow I feel secure even save when Logan nears me. Yeah, maybe it was because he knew me better than James and Carlos at the first time and he always in my side, whatever I need someone he always the first to comes to me.

Actually I feel bad for him that I was lying at him, but I couldn't help it. I have to keep this lies on anyone, even for myself.

He gave me back his smile, that's I've been waiting for. The smiles. I know that I'm gonna leave them but at least I want everyone still keep they smiles now and then.

"Thanks, Logie.."

We kept walking towards our friends who have been waiting for us.

I couldn't hide how bad my feelings and how hurt my heart everytime I see Jo. She look upset and sad, when we met our eyes she just gave me a weak smile at me I couldn't help it I just wanted to hug her so tight but I couldn't. But one think that I was glad about that tonight was I could hear they were laughing. I had they laugh, I had they smile, I had this memories and it will be keep in my heart forever and I never let it go...even my soul was taken from my body.

*sighs* Oh I feel so sorry about this story. I know it's been too long about the update but here hope you will love it.

I tried as hard as I could to get into Kendall's POV. Hope you guys will feel what Kendall did.

So how did you think guys?

Does it deserve for some reviews?

Let me know what did you think about this, okay :)

Oh if you don't mind please read my another story 'Like We Used To' It's about Kogan but I was going to chance it into Kames so.

I Love You guys so much...