Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid?

Am I just stoned?

~Basket Case; Green Day

When you're a human surrounded by demigods, your mental health usually takes a turn for the worst. When I embraced my destiny to be the Oracle, I didn't really have any idea what I was signing up for. Sure, I knew that I was going to be issuing dangerous prophecies for impossible quests and I knew that my life would become erratic and unpredictable. I can't say that I knew that green mist was going to come out of my mouth and that I was going to suffer from fainting spells, but they're nothing. I can handle being the Oracle, it's an easy job. What I can't handle is everything else.

The repercussions of my prophecies. Knowing that I'm sending kids on impossible quests, most of which are necessary for the fate of the world. I hate having to entrust that with a someone my age or younger, someone that has seen and done too much to even remain close to innocent. Sometimes, my prophecies even take away that innocence. Sometimes, the guilt is just too much to bear.

What's even worse, though, is when the campers come back. If their quest is successful, they're revered as champions. At first, I used to be so pleased when I saw campers being praised by their peers, being crowned with laurel leaves and carried around on the shoulders of others as they scream their approval. I used to love hearing them talk about their quest, their voices dripping with arrogance and excitement. But after awhile, I saw through all the facades. Sure, the camper is revered as a god for awhile, but the praise their given isn't innocent. Their siblings, though happy for them, look at them bitterly, upset that they weren't able to go on that quest, to win their parent's favor. The other campers all have this smug look beneath their happy ones, knowing that soon the victor will mess up and the quest will be forgotten, hidden underneath their sins. The laurel leaves, the crown of a victor, don't highlight the features of a hero, but the face of someone as vain and cold as the gods themselves. The arrogance and excitement hides the fear they felt the whole time, false bravado concealing the tears, fatal mistakes and near death situations. Now, when campers come back, I hid in my cave, blocking out the lies by blaring music and paintings. That is, if they come back.

And sometimes, they don't. Either weeks go by and Chiron has to order that the shrouds get burned and that the funeral arrangements be made or someone brings the news, a nymph or a god, usually. Either way, camp is somber for a few days, the campers training even harder, as if it they were preparing for war, trying to make up for the deaths of their friends. Their siblings mourn for weeks and their parents field of expertise usually suffers a bit. Nothing worse than death on a quest, whether no one comes back or only part of the group does. But death isn't what demigods fear when given a quest. What they fear is failure.

A demigod would rather die than fail a quest, to bring shame on themselves, their friends, their siblings, and even worse, their parent. If someone fails and actually returns instead of exiling themselves out of shame, campers give them a wide berth, as though their failure is a disease. The camper who failed is usually either depressed or angry, both are horrible. The depressed ones try and come to me for answers, the angry try and kill me. I'm not sure which one I prefer, lying to soothe a broken soul or trying to stay alive.

Being the oracle is hard. Knowing that I've killed people, that I've taken away innocence or friends through my words weighs more on my soul than it would if I had caused them pain and suffering deliberately. I can't stand the accusing looks, the pleads, the madness. What's even worse is that I'm as much of a bystander as they are, stuck watching the spirit of Delphi wreak destruction trying to bring order and balance to the world, using demigods as her pawn. Only unlike them, I'm forced to help her, the victim and the villain.