Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review after reading. This fic is unbetaed, sorry. Btw, this is NOT THE FULL VERSION due to site restrictions. You may check out my tumblr / wordpress / livejournal for the detailed chapters. Not sure when I can update again. I have to really start studying for my exam. So writing might be limited to 2 or 3 hours a day only. Tsk. 0_0 Replies to reviews are at the end of the chapter. Thanks so much for your feedback. It makes me want to update asap. =p

I forget what I

was like before

but I think I'd like

to be that once more

/

He was a monster, but I was his masochistic victim; laying myself down on the sacrificial pyre.

- whispered-words (tumblr)

Chapter 8: The Truth Hurts, But a Lie is Worse

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Sacchan jumped from house to house, trying to locate the hideout of her Edo visitors.

It was still raining but more of a drizzle. The moon was clouded, a few stars danced in the skies, and a gentle breeze moved from the east.

Then, she spotted it. She didn't know how but she instantly recognized the area. The place was well-lit and a happy noise floated from its windows. She peered inside, trying to decipher the commotion.

There was a small party but she couldn't make out the figures through the glass. Crawling up the wall, she felt a pair of eyes on her. Vicious. Spiteful. Looking around, she saw no one.

She's been paranoid lately. It wasn't completely unwarranted. There were reasons, dreams alike. She hasn't felt like this in years. The anxiety brought about a rush of adrenaline to her veins and today, she felt like her old self again.

A ninja. An assassin. Dangerous. Passionate.

But she wasn't here to kill anyone. She just wanted answers.

Sacchan wanted to know why her past was catching up to her.

Crouching on the roof, she pressed her ear on the bricks to listen for conversation. There was only the light crackling of the fire amidst silence.

Clunk!

A presence leaped through the roof, wielding a sword, peg-like. It was the white beast, a younger version, its knees bent in defense.

"You are not welcome here," it said, albeit peacefully. His voice was smooth. He stood like a prince but was alert as a knight, confronting an outsider fearlessly.

"Gin-san!" She stepped towards him, kunai secretly ready. "It's me!"

He simply stared, unmoving. The wind whipped his hair furiously and the ends of his forehead band were waving along.

She threw the kunai at him, amazed at her retained skill. It zoomed straight and swift, determined to pierce.

He caught it effortlessly in his palm.

Sacchan gasped. His appearance had changed. It was horrific.

What was white was now dark, ruffled hair. The thick skin on his face was shiny, uneven with scars. His eyes were large and round, barely covered by flesh. The look he bore was madness. He didn't seem to notice her as he floated upward, arm raised towards the full moon, finally revealed.

A weight hit her back, crashing her through the roof and on to the floor with a thud. Before losing consciousness, she noted a white blur. "Stay away!"

She was roused by a yelling mix of voices and the sliding of wood against wood. Reaching in front of her, she touched a man's bare chest and her arms bumped against another pair of limbs wrapped around her body. A steady breath fanned her forehead and her legs were entwined with someone else's.

Gin-san was next to her. She could smell him and she recognized the soft snoring sounds he was making.

But who was arguing in the background?

"I want to see, Shinpachi!" A familiar girly accent was screaming.

"DON'T YOU DARE COME OVER HERE!"

"Why? Did something bad happen? Did Gin-chan turn into a cat? Or a woman? I wanna see the new Gin-chan!" Her voice drew closer.

"STOOOOP IIIIT KAGURAAAA!" A struggle could be heard. "It's poisonous to the eyes! The view is a ticket straight to HEEEELL!"

There was a thump on the ground followed by a couple of "owwws". Gin-san sat up abruptly and Sacchan followed, putting on her glasses.

She screeched upon seeing their visitors and drew the blanket up to her chest. Shinpachi and Kagura were looking back at them with horrified expressions. Gin-san stood up, thankfully in his brown with yellow stars boxers, and shooed them to the living room. Sacchan continued to stare in shock as he put on his shirt and pants hurriedly, dragging his yukata along to follow his two sidekicks.

She could still hear them bickering about the situation after he slid the doors shut.

"You've really done it this time, Gin-san!"

"Keep your voice down, Shinpachi," he hissed, voice still hoarse from sleep.

"What have you done?"

"Shit. Seriously? I don't really remember. I've been out of it for years, you know. Drunk here and there, not exactly thinking and just seizing the day."

"You two could have at least put on some clothes to avoid scaring your visitors!"

"Please. We don't expect visitors. How'd you two even get in- oh, I see- Kagura, make sure you get that broken window fixed. I don't have much cash on me to even call a repairman."

"Gin-chan, stick some tape on it. Why were you and Sacchan naked?"

"Give me a fucking break, kid. You're freaking seventeen years old! Surely you know about-"

"STOP POLLUTING HER MIND WITH YOUR IMMORALITY!"

"Yes, a girl is innocent until marriage." The refrigerator door was opened and then closed. Kagura could be heard chewing afterwards.

Loud footsteps hit the floor, "Innocent, my ass! You're a thief. Trespassers! That's just what you're doing! Out the door, now, both of you sociopaths! Let's leave before any of you commit more crimes."

"You're the villain here!" Shinpachi howled before their voices faded behind a door slamming shut.

Sacchan dressed quickly, not bothering to take a shower beforehand. There was something more important that she had to do. Her recent dreams have been sending her a message, reviving yesterdays that needed to be addressed.

If she wanted to know what Gin-san was up to, she had to be assertive and take control of the situation. She needed to find out why he sought her out and why he was still baseline irritated with her. What was the reason for his tireless questioning?

The only way to ascertain was to follow him and spy on their conversations.

To be quite honest, she was nervous. It's been years since she last went on a mission undercover. She wasn't as confident with her fighting skills either. Still, she was trained as a child and was once a member of the elite Oniwabanshuu. That must count for something.

She tailed them to a restaurant and set off immediately to the roof. Prowling towards the back area, she noted a smaller place. Kagura's voice could be heard from the windows singing along with another girl who sounded like the pop idol Tsuu Terakado.

If things went well, she would gather some information unscathed and move on. After all, dreams were only dreams -unreal- and fabrications of the subconscious. The odds of Gin-san, let alone the Shiroyasha, appearing before her right now were extremely low.

A hand shot through the ceiling, grabbing her left foot and dragging her inside. She was smashed on the floor, face down.

"My, my... You haven't changed, have you?" She looked up into the red, displeased eyes of her captor. "Stalker."

"Gin-san," she breathed, wincing as he pulled her by the hair.

"It's too bad, you really suck at this. I've known you were following us since you stepped out the door of your apartment. Didn't you think I could read your movements and sense your presence after having to tolerate you stalking me for years?"

He tossed her to the side, right into a large mass of fluff. She felt big, heavy paws land on her shoulders and a stinging sensation enveloped her head. Liquid trickled down her temples and her glasses dropped to the floor. She wailed in discomfort as she tore herself away from the looming creature.

"Sadaharu!"

Running her hands on the rug, she searched for her glasses. An orange blur appeared before her and set it on her nose while wiping her face with her sleeve. She blinked and the image formed into Kagura.

"Sacchan! Are you okay?"

"I- I..." She could feel tears burning behind her eyes.

Shinpachi guided her to the couch as Kagura continued to pad on her bleeding head. Otsuu was also present and was staring at her, forehead creased with worry. Katsura was on the floor, arms and legs crossed, with his head bowed. Sadaharu looked pleased with himself.

Gin-san was standing a meter away, fuming, "Why the hell are you helping her?"

"Stop it! You're being mean, Gin-chan!"

"Kagura! Shinpachi! Step away from that traitor!" He roared as he took out his wooden sword. "Step the fuck away so that I can show her what happens to lowlifes like her!"

Katsura stood and punched him right on the nose as he swung his weapon. Gin-san staggered backwards and fell over, landing on his ass. Sacchan trembled at the intensity on their faces.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Zura?"

"It's Katsura! Gintoki, you need to calm down," the long-haired samurai spoke in a clipped voice. "You are on the verge of going on a rampage that is unnecessary. That is Sa-san you are about to attack. She is not the enemy, as we have told you countless times."

"It's all right, Katsura-san. Thank you. You can call me Sacchan, as I've said before."

He nodded at her, "Welcome back, Sa-sama."

That idiot. Apparently, he was still as lost as ever.

"Now, listen Sacchan," Kagura started, "We're going to tell you everything, yo! We need your help, yes."

"Everything?" She echoed. "My help?"

"EVERYTHING? HER HELP?" Gin-san started to get up but Katsura kneed him in the face to keep him down. Otsuu, Kagura and Shinpachi settled on his chest and legs to trap him.

"What is going on?" She asked, eager to learn what they were up to. Her head was feeling a bit better now and she was more concerned about what they were about to say. She tried to ignore Gin-san's loathsome stare as she looked expectantly at the others.

Kagura grabbed a roll which she stuck into Gin-san's open mouth as he was about to yell something. "Sacchan! It's Tsukki. She's been missing! We're going to rescue her."

Sacchan felt her heart stop. Blood pooled in her ears, causing a painful ringing that accompanied a struggle with her breathing. Memories of the last time she saw Tsukki flashed in her mind, creating a mixture of distress, confusion and worry.

Gin-san's head snapped towards her, his eyes narrowed. He stared at her as if trying to judge her reaction.

"Wh- What?" She gasped, unable to think straight. "When?" She swallowed thickly, looking at everyone. "How?" Her voice came out only as a whisper.

Otsuu was only shaking her head, expression weary. Shinpachi was pointedly looking away, eyes blinking unnaturally. Kagura's lower lip was trembling, her gaze directed downward.

Katsura stepped forward, determined. "Sa-kun, it's probably up to me to explain the situation. These nincompoops -haha, nincompoops- are not in the proper state for normal conversation."

"It's Sacchan, you nincompoop!" No one was prepared for a regular discussion.

"My apologies, Sa-hime."

"SACCHAN!" She screamed, frustrated. "Will you please tell me what happened to Tsukki already?"

"We do not know exactly. But we have high suspicions that the Kiheitai have her. They are in the area. And possibly... Jiraia is involved."

"Jiraia?" The shock in her voice was maximal. "So... He is alive?" Was this why Gin-san was extremely interested in Jiraia's fate? Why did he keep asking her then?

"That we do not know of. Zenzou Hattori and the other ninjas have been trying to verify that information. So far, we have been out of luck."

"When did this happen?" A sense of dread loomed over her. "Tsukki, I mean. When did she disappear?"

Gin-san pushed the three younger ones off himself and stood in front of her. She looked up to see his face, twisted into a look of rage and disappointment.

"Five years ago. When you left." His tone was accusing, she could tell.

A sudden tightness emerged in her chest. What did she have to do with anything? Was he actually implying that she brought about Tsukki's capture?

"Do you- Do you think that I-" she choked, unable to continue. The realization that he suspected her of doing such a thing was a cruel experience.

"Do you have any other believable explanation?" He asked harshly.

"Yes, I have one."

"Then pray tell why you left Edo without a word?"

"I can't- I can't tell you that right now. You just have to trust me. I wouldn't do anything so horrible to Tsukki."

Sacchan looked into his eyes, pleading silently for him to tell her that she was mistaken and that he didn't doubt her at all. But his jaw only hardened, dashing her hopes. He despised her and thought her a betrayer. Then, it meant that, everything they shared in the past months were nothing but illusions. His kisses, caresses and his desperation in their lovemaking were simply measures to extract information from her.

She had given herself to him fully, without holding back. She still loved him and cared for him. Her feelings had even bloomed during their time together. The fact that he sought her after all these years made her happy and she tried so hard to ignore his irritation with her. He was constantly forceful, as she knew him even in the past, but she was always comfortable with submitting herself to him. No matter how much he shunned or hurt her, she still found herself drawn to him, physically and emotionally.

But while she was attracted to him, his attentions actually lay elsewhere. Sacchan noticed it from the beginning, when he first met Tsukki. Something had changed in him. She told herself that it was only because he met someone similar to himself. She knew they shared a common past. They may be soulmates but she's read a lot about soulmates and the bond is not necessarily meant to be romantic. That had pleased her, maybe Gin-san and Tsukki were destined to be very good friends at most.

Tsukki was a good friend to her. They bickered over little things, disagreements with men and sometimes because she was jealous of the blonde babe. It was already difficult, trying to win over Gin-san's love at first and then someone beautiful and totally badass comes along. That really complicated things.

However, Tsukki wasn't an active competitor. She was just as is, content with being herself. She even listened to Sacchan's complaints and gave her sound advice. Just like a best friend would. Tsukki was the type of person who would give way to others, just to see them happy. She always put herself last. That was why Sacchan was fairly certain of having the man.

Then again, the world wasn't as so kind to give you want you want or expect.

It truly pained her to hear that Tsukki was in danger. She did not even want to think of her being dead. As a friend, she felt that she had to believe in Tsukki's survival. She is a strong woman, capable of defending herself and choosing to live. Sacchan wondered about the last five years. What could her friend have gone through?

Moreso, why was Gin-san unable to protect the woman he loved? She had left Tsukki in the capable hands of the man she loved in return. How did she slip through his fingers so easily? Some things were still a mystery to her. All she knew was that Gin-san saw her as the villain in this. He believed she was desperate enough to harm even Tsukki. Yes, she loved him with all her heart but ultimately, she only always wanted him to be happy.

Now, seeing his face full of mistrust and animosity, she sensed her own resentment erupting.

She stood up and slapped him with all her might, feeling herself tremble afterwards, partly due to disbelief that she had actually done it. But he truly upset her. She was completely heartbroken by the fact that he used her and that he would even think she was capable of doing such horrible things.

"For your information, Gintoki Sakata, I have nothing to do with what happened to Tsukki. And the fact that you think I do makes you an asshole! You just played me like I have no feelings. You deceived me without even trying to talk with me properly. What has happened to you, Gin-san? You've become a heartless bastard!"

"I've always been an asshole to you. Do you know why? Because you irritate me. Your persistence is torture. You're the goddamn bane of my existence."

"I only wanted you to accept my love, even if it was different and annoying. I didn't ask to be treated like this!"

"You're always asking for it! I can't stand you, I can't even tolerate your presence."

His words were a knife to her heart. "Then it's better if you stay away from now on. You can't live with me anymore."

"I have no plans of returning to that prison of yours," he spat.

"I never held you captive! You came to me, telling me we were lovers and you forced yourself to live there!"

"Well, it was a mistake! I'm leaving now, out of my own free will!"

She felt the tears rush down her face. "Fine, then. I'm glad I've stopped bothering you."

He shrugged, uncaring. Sacchan could not bear to look at his uncompassionate face. Instead, she focused her eyes elsewhere, trying to erase the picture of his hatred. Her gaze settled on his hands instead. He was running the pad of his thumb over the proximal portion of his left ring finger. His hand shifted and a thread around that finger was caught in the light. It glinted a light blonde color.

She frowned further, wondering what that string represented. She never really knew anything.

Everyone else was silently watching their exchange, probably feeling uncomfortable as she was. She turned to the left to see the other four tiptoeing their way to the door, Sadaharu at their heels.

Sacchan let out a heavy breath and blinked away the last of her tears. "Everyone, I'm going to help you find and rescue Tsukki. She was a close friend of mine and I would never, never want anything dreadful to happen to her, nor would I cause her any harm myself. I'm really worried about her too."

"We know, Sacchan," Shinpachi and Kagura assured her. Otsuu was smiling kindly while Katsura was nodding his head.

"Tsukki and I may have been rivals for Gin-san's affections but we were also good friends. She put up with my antics, you know. At times, I did try to get between them but those were petty things. One night, when I finally realized that Gin-san would never see me the way he saw her, nor would he ever love me the way he loved her, I chose to back off." Her voice was soft, on the verge of choking.

Kagura and Shinpachi sniffed in the background. Katsura coughed, hiding his face. Sadaharu whimpered.

"Sacchan..." Otsuu whispered.

"That is why I left Edo a long time ago. Because I realized that Gin-san and Tsukki really wanted to be with each other... But I couldn't stay... Because I knew that... That whenever I see them together, I would feel like dying."

With that, she excused herself and left, feeling even worse than she did five years ago on the Yorozuya rooftop.

Author's end note: Seriously, I've been having a hard time with this chapter, hence the delay, especially the part where they tell Sacchan what's going on. I needed to phrase things properly while still hiding a few things and capture some emotions at the same time. SHIT. I have been spending about a week pondering on how to execute this chapter. Hope it's not an epic fail. To an. co .xx, wow thank you! Your words mean a lot. Really. I'm glad this story actually makes sense. I'm trying to hard to not make it forced. Ahaha. Thank you!