Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review after reading. This fic is in draft mode, fyi. Btw, this is NOT THE FULL VERSION due to site restrictions. You may check out my tumblr / wordpress / livejournal for the detailed chapters. My how time flies. I have nothing else to say except that I've gained 8 lbs already lol enough with the Starbucks drinks. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SACCHAN! Damn, I wanted to write a oneshot but time does not permit it. Replies to reviews are at the end of the page. Thank you very much! XP

Chapter 9: Your Conscience Will Keep You Up At Night

They say a guilty conscience keeps you up at night. It was true, cruelly so. Definitely, the torture was worse than any pain he had felt before. His mind reeled no matter how tightly he shut his eyes or how much sake he shoved down his throat. A harsh tightening invaded his chest often. His anger was replaced by shame and remorse which he could not act upon.

The image of framed orchid eyes, clouded with hurt, was plastered on his mind. Even after weeks, he could still hear Sacchan's words. They were the last words she had spoken to him since.

You played me... Heartless bastard... Accept my love... I'll stop bothering you... Never, never harm Tsukki... Never see me... Never love me... I left because I felt like dying...

Now, Gintoki knew she spoke the truth. She was innocent after all and he was at fault. He was blinded by rage and desperation, which caused him to take things out on her. He hated this odd feeling, lacking control of his emotions while being restless. He was tense every minute of every day and he despised it.

And every time they were in each other's presence, the atmosphere was thick with awkwardness.

Their friends did not interfere, probably sensing the volatility of the situation. The most they did were to share indiscreet, worried glances and make indirect, absurd comments to lighten the mood.

He shouldn't care that Sacchan would go out of her way to avoid him. She never actually looked at him anymore. Their lack of interaction did not go unnoticed and it was obvious that she made an effort to steer clear of him.

He lay down on the sofa and crossed his arms behind his head, swinging one leg across the other. He had a terrible headache which no medicine nor glucose could relieve. Sacchan, unbidden, had maintained a constant place in his brain.

On idle days, he found himself thinking of her. A chain of memories played in his mind. She was walking in her apartment, hair in a sexy bun, dressed minimally. Her breasts bounced as she moved, clearly showing through the thin fabric of her top. The swaying of her hips mesmerized him and her legs only reminded him of those times they were wrapped tightly around his bottom.

Her lips curved upwards upon seeing his eyes on her. He remembered those fine lips of hers, soft, sensual and tasting like berries with cream when she used gloss. He thought of her lips on his own, meeting his tongue with hers, moving to his cheek, and then his ears. Her whispered words of love, desire and satisfaction weren't forgotten. The desperate, lustful cries from her mouth aroused and fortified him. Then, her mouth touched his neck, his chest, trailing slowly and delightfully downward to his navel, never ceasing until she reached his length.

Wherever he looked, he spotted a hint of lilac, the color of her hair. He had vivid memories of her underneath him, with her hair splayed beneath them and when she was on top, her locks created a curtain, surrounding and hiding them from the world.

Without fail, she was within his reach. She had made herself available to him, wanting to please him. "I only want you to be happy, Gin-san," were her words before. She always begged for his attentions. Now, she tried as much as possible not to be noticed.

He wasn't used to that, Sacchan lacking in persistence. When something came between them, he always expected her to come groveling, begging desperately for his concern. This new her unnerved him. Didn't she care about his acknowledgement anymore? Was she completely disgusted by what he had done?

He hadn't apologized yet, there just wasn't a right time. Their encounters were brief and unremarkable. He wanted her to be mindful of him as she was in the past. His ears itched to hear a squeal or giggle from her at the sight of him. He wanted to look in her eyes and see them darken, signifying her own desire for him. He needed her pleas for his touch and embrace. Her own hands should be roaming his body, raking through his hair and exploring the rest of him. There was so much satisfaction to gain from all that.

A few times, he tried to make his move just to get even a little bit of reaction from her. Casually, he would brush his arm against hers, or steady his hands on her waist. She would gasp, a slight sound, but would keep her eyes focused elsewhere. He felt smug at seeing a flush in her cheeks every time, which meant she wasn't as unaffected as she tried to project.

He often walked in on her singing along with Otsuu and Kagura. Her voice was beautiful. He would pause to listen, regretfully thinking that he had not watched her perform again since their first night together. Upon seeing him, she would abruptly shut her mouth and stubbornly refuse to make any sound or comment as long as he was there. Briefly, he heard her tell Kagura that she did not want to annoy or bother him with her noise.

Gintoki seethed. Was he really such a monster to be feared by her? She used to be so carefree and comfortable in his presence. Hell, in the past she even invited herself in his house and lay on his bed. In the previous months, they were lovers, getting to know each other intimately and sharing most of their days. They were in tune, surrounded by a decent atmosphere, especially during their moments in the bedroom. After that big reveal and the big fight, they were even worse than the beginning. Strangers, that's what they seemed like nowadays.

Predictably, he should feel terrible, but he did not expect anything else. He even craved her, like a bar of chocolate. She was a tall glass of strawberry milk and parfait, tempting him to no end.

He frequently felt the urge to cup her breasts with his hands possessively. Some nights, she would arrive at the hideout, fresh from her bar performances, in her alluring dresses. Each dress seemed to be more revealing than the last, her breasts threatening to spill out of the garments. He was drawn by the erotic tips, stirring a hunger in him to fondle aimlessly and suck them dry. Everyday, he used to have his hands and mouth on them, teasing her lazily and often going wild. The sounds she made in response were extremely rewarding.

Grabbing her by the waist to rub her hips and center against his erection were definitely out of the question, no matter how much he wished for it. She would probably slap him again. But the experience of her thighs crushing him into her while eagerly thrusting against him was something he ached for.

The abrupt termination of their regular lovemaking was maddening.

This was lust, he was certain, but a flash of doubt emerged as he remembered the times she had cared for him - nursing his wounds, cooking for him, washing his clothes, laughing at his unintentional jokes, and always having a piece of dessert ready for him. He recalled the crinkle and warmth in her eyes when she would welcome him home, accompanied by affectionate hugs and kisses. She bought his favorite JUMP editions and even borrowed a game console from a friend of hers to keep him from boredom. She spoke tender words overflowing with concern and adoration, which she never failed to declare. Her words, I love you, were only whispered when she thought he was not paying attention.

A click at the door interrupted his thoughts. Sacchan had entered the place, carrying several large plastic bags with both hands. She didn't seem to notice him as she headed straight to the table near the fridge. He sat up quietly to watch her.

Her long hair was clipped to the side by a flowery pin and she was wearing a light yellow summer dress. The fabric was thick and her breasts didn't jiggle. Gintoki frowned, disappointed that she was wearing a bra. Still, she looked fresh and nice, relaxed even. He dragged himself to a standing position and purposefully approached her.

"Um, hi..." he greeted as he smoothed his unruly hair. "Do you- Do you um, need help with that? Uh... What is that?"

She stiffened, momentarily pausing with her task. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here." She looked at anything but him. Hastily opening the freezer, she stuck a plastic inside and dashed to the door. "Um, I'll just... go now."

Sacchan was gone before he could reply.

He thought he'd hit rock bottom but apparently, he could still feel worse than ever. There she was again, avoiding any kind of interaction with him. He had tried to reach out, hadn't he? Greeting her and starting a nice, civil conversation - he had done that. He even offered to help her with whatever it was she was doing. He simply hated the way she tensed and refused to look at him. She was treating him in an unfamiliar manner, acting uncomfortable and jumpy around him. She was ignoring him.

How ironic, really. Years ago, he would have given anything for her to just leave him alone. Lately, that was all that she was doing but it bothered him to no end. It distracted him so much that he couldn't sleep or enjoy his favorite sweets.

He peeked inside one bag noting stacks of containers and some chopsticks. Taking a sniff, he realized that the contents were food. Great smelling food. What were they for? His nostrils welcomed the smell, a nice shift from the usual ramen. But their place didn't smell like ramen anymore. Sacchan had teamed up with Shinpachi and Katsura to do some cleaning and spraying in the area. The results were admirable.

The place had turned into a real sanctuary for him. A better TV was transferred from her living room, sleeping bags and soft pillows were added, the game console was also with them. Even the bathroom had a nice collection of bath needs. All these made it even harder for him to forego his guilt. It ate away at his insides, leaving a pang in his heart.

"Yo! Gin-chaaaan!" A small hand was waving close to his face. "Can you hear us? Are you having perverted thoughts again?"

"Snap out of it, Gintoki-kun." Katsura was already eating out of one of the containers on the table.

Shinpachi grabbed the food from his hands, "Oi! That's for dinner! Did you even wash your hands?"

"It is dinner time, Shinpachi-kun." Otsuu was giggling.

"Oh. Yes. Yes it is, Otsuu-chan." The boy smiled sheepishly.

"Let's dig in, I'm famished." Zenzou pocketed his JUMP issue. "You'll get your chance when I'm done with it," he said, noting Gintoki's quick gaze on the comic. "Where is Sarutobi?" He was glancing at the ceiling, as if expecting her to be hanging from it.

All eyes turned to him. "What?" His own voice was high pitched, a sure sign of guilt.

"You must have seen her when she brought the bags here," Zenzou intoned, "did you send her away?"

"What? I did not! She-"

"Gin-chan! Stop being mean. Have you apologized yet? Sacchan's helping us now."

"You were wrong about her, Gin-san!"

"Gintoki, let go of your pride for once and fix things."

"Poor Sacchan, she means well, Gintoki-san..."

"Wait!" He screamed, "I was nice... but she... I... we... Oh hell, she ran away when I tried to talk to her."

"Can you blame her, Gintoki? You haven't been treating her well. A woman deserves to be cared for and respected."

"I know that! I feel bad enough already!"

"She must have left because of you, Gin-chan." Kagura looked at him disdainfully. "Sacchan's always worried about bothering you."

"Sacchan fixed all of this for us, but she's not here to enjoy it too-bacco whore."

Kagura opened the freezer and cried, "Dessert!" She reached into the bag inside and held out a glass of parfait. The words "strawberries and cream" were written on tape around it.

Gintoki leaped forward and snatched the frozen dessert from Kagura's hand before she successfully opened it. "That's mine!"

"I don't see your name on it!" Kagura lunged forward, though failing to retrieve the tasty sweet.

"It's mine! I just know it!" He quickly opened the flap and licked the cream inside. It was delicious.

"Oi! Why are you guys starting to have dessert! We haven't had our meal yet!"

Gintoki shrugged. "Who cares?" He took his place on the sofa and relished the parfait. At least Sacchan still thought of him enough to remember his favorite dessert.

"We'd better start eating before Kagura gobbles everything up." Zenzou grabbed a plate.

"Ha! Try to avoid the spicy ones, hemorrhoid ninja."

A rock landed on Katsura's head, causing a bump to emerge. He grabbed it nonchalantly and stared at the piece for a few seconds. "Hey Leader..."

"What is it, Zura?"

"Kamui was seen at a coffee shop with Takasugi. However, there was no suspicious activity between them."

"Nii-san..." Kagura started. "Nii-san is everywhere yet I never encounter him."

"They're becoming careless," Zenzou said thoughtfully. "They've been spotted several times. What are they up to?"

"Takasugi is certainly suspicious. Although reports are vague, they are consistent with one observation." Zura rubbed his chin in thought.

"What is that?"

"His left eye is uncovered. It appears he has regained its use."

Gintoki blinked, recalling his previous meeting with Shinsuke. How could he have not realized it? The man seemed different and calmer. Zura was right, now that he pondered on it, Takasugi's left eye has recovered. It was still a bit of a blur, that close encounter. He was still debating on whether or not Kintoki was actually there. He did not mention that detail to anyone yet.

Slurping the last of his strawberry parfait, he banished his thoughts on the Kiheitai. For now, he felt no desire to come after them. There was still need for more patience and planning, especially now that they had very little knowledge on the enemy's plans.

Gintoki felt a weakening in his determination. Right now, he was more concerned about finally having a long overdue talk with Sacchan. They were on the same team now, and it wouldn't benefit them to have their own animosity within. There was a need to fix this, as soon as possible, and they had to strengthen their allegiance in order to overcome the enemy.

Plus, he'd never admit it, but he kind of missed her. Sort of. But not really. He was probably being his old horny self. Damn his libido.

Author's end note: I am pleased with your reviews and I cannot thank you all enough :D an. co. xx, Gin is confused right now and his conscience and um, libido, are really getting to him. kurasuchi, oooh I'm glad you think that Gintoki is hard to blame. Maybe I have succeeded in that aspect. *squees* Hmm.. Kintoki? Was he really there now? XP Mikishami, I wish for more GinSachi stories. F1-30 Neptune, I shall try to update regularly. I want this story finished within the next month or else my ideas will disappear. Ricky, I'm glad you think this is a nice/great story. GintokixSacchan is definitely underrated. *cries* They have beautiful potential. Ahaha.