Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review after reading. This fic is unedited, because I am always rushing when writing it. Btw, this is NOT THE FULL VERSION due to site restrictions. You may check out my tumblr / wordpress / livejournal for the detailed chapters. Sorry for the delay with uploading this chapter. Been super busy at work, I'm sooo tired and always sleeping to recover. Not sure if this chapter turned out well. It might drag but I really wanted to reiterate some themes in this story. I'm also in a sour and anxious mood because I'm worrying about a lot of things. Life, oh life. First 2 sentences in this chapter are from the movie trailer, I think. Replies to reviews are at the end of the page. Much thanks, everyone! *v*
Chapter 11: No One is an Island, Even if That Person Tries Hard Enough
I'll find you.
We'll see each other again.
Gintoki remembered the words he swore his life on. It wasn't easy to lose someone, especially a precious person. Having that someone close to your heart and regarding that person as important, it was a weakness. But the happiness and contentment he felt with them was worth it. It made him strive to become stronger, to be able to protect and care for them.
He thought of the precious people in his life. He had tried to forget his past, his world before he met his teacher, Yoshida Shouyou, and fellow students Katsura Kotarou and Shinsuke Takasugi. He never really got over Shouyou-sensei's death. Through the years, he only learned to deal with it. The painful memories threatened to ignite the flames of revenge in his heart but he found ways to suppress it.
He would not be as Shinsuke was and continued to be.
After the tragic war and beheading of his teacher, he spent time roaming, scavenging and killing to survive. It was like a history book, the old days, he felt that it was someone else's story, merely shared in passing to him.
Then he met the old lady, Ayano Terada, known widely as Otose. She took pity on him, seeing him eat her offerings at her huband's grave. After she let him move in to the second floor of her snack house, he swore to protect her as long as she lived. Except... he never paid his rent on time.
Soon, Shinpachi and Kagura appeared and they formed the new Yorozuya. An inseparable trio that accepted all kinds of jobs just to earn money for a living. He treasured those kids, fate had entrusted them to him, and they had occupied a permanent space in his heart. It was sort of implied though, he didn't really like telling them out loud.
More and more people came into his life, friendships and bonds forged and branching out everywhere. He supposed he wasn't an overtly friendly person nor was he someone to be all out trusted, but he would help anyone in need, hands down. That was probably where all those connections began.
It was too tedious to go over every detail of the other people he'd formed friendships with. Generally, there was mutual benefit. For others, you had to squint harder and if you twisted things to an uncomfortable angle, you'd somehow appreciate that maybe it was something good after all.
From the platonic ones to the rivals, to the enemies-turned-friends and vice versa, someone of higher ranking, a subordinate, a comrade, individuals of different professions and race, all those relationships somehow contributed to the man he was right now.
As for love, well, he was never a romantic individual. Perhaps some women viewed him as such due to his long-ass dramatic speeches that affected their hearts. He never really found the right woman for him, nor did he consider himself the type to settle down. They were always too violent, too gentle, too loud, too stalkery, too hard to get, too screechy, too shy, too quiet, too virginal, too slutty, too covered up, too revealing, too breasty, too flat, too girly, too manly, too smart, too dumb, too rich, too poor, too short, too tall, too giggly, too apathetic, too into him, too uninterested, and many more.
That is, until Tsukuyo happened.
So, she just turned out to be the perfect woman for him. For more than a million times, he'd thought of how ideal they were together. It sounded cheesy, and he would never admit it out loud, but they were made for each other. Their minds, bodies and souls were one. Hinowa once commented that their compatibility made the stars fall from the skies with ecstasy.
Then all that shit happened and he was sucked into this goddamn world of complexities.
He wasn't blameless, that was obvious, but he thought he had the guts, with the right mixture of indifference, to pursue his plans. He never expected to get caught in a splendid mass of purple tangles which he was now reluctant to break free of.
Ayame Sarutobi. Sacchan. He never really liked her that much, as far as he remembered. She was weird, loud and too perverted for his tastes. When he first met her, he actually thought she was quite pretty and innocent-looking. She was literally the first thing he saw upon waking up that morning. Her peaceful sleeping face was close to his as she was sprawled on top of him. He got drunk the night before and his first thoughts were WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? When he swallowed too much alcohol, he never recalled the events immediately surrounding him but he didn't really make a habit of bringing women to his place, intoxicated or not.
Still, he had his share of ladies in the bedroom. He was a man, after all. A very physically demanding one but that was mostly in the past. And in the dark. Once the female species noted his silver perm, they avoided him like the plague, moreso if they discovered his empty wallet. It was a curse but one that contributed to his uniqueness. Since he began the new Yorozuya, he's been out of luck with women.
Right now, he still had misfortune with them. He continued to attract the wrong types, crazy ones. Except probably for one. Tsukuyo was probably the first woman he had ever fallen in love with. Their official relationship lasted only a few weeks though it had been developing long before that. Then, she was gone and he was left in pieces.
Years later, he found himself in a so-called affair with Sacchan, the last person he ever thought of getting intimate with. Surprisingly, he had him eating out of her hands. It was probably that damn delicious body of hers. She felt good in his arms and was always trying to please him. She was nursing his damn ego.
He remembered her various skimpy outfits from her nurse imitation, to even a dominatrix. She actually looked cute in a wedding dress and the little white bikini she wore at times. Then there was the kunoichi cafe uniform and her own ninja wear. She was a pretty decent looking woman but she never really sparked any attraction within him before. There were rare times when he teased her or played along just 'cause he felt like it, nothing more. Her personality didn't help her case either.
Of course, things have changed. This was punishment for his malevolent deeds.
After finally talking with her, kissing her again after all those weeks of torture, and almost making love to her, he was still feeling more vaporous than ever.
He continued to watch her closely every time she was around him and he always initiated conversations no matter how stupid they sounded. Deliberately, he would move in close proximity to her just to catch her scent, to touch her, to see her wonderful breasts right in front of him, or to look in her eyes and feel the connection.
He was glad that she wasn't avoiding him as much, but she turned everything into something Tsukki-related.
Tsukki... He did not want to think about her right now. He still loved her, he was sure, but he did not want to face her in his mind. He was afraid that she was gradually fading away and being replaced by some minor substitute. It was impossible.
He cringed, feeling like an ass, referring to Sacchan as such. But that was what she was, right? A woman to fill in for Tsukki in the meantime. She knew that, hence her slight aloofness. He wished that she wouldn't stray away from him completely.
When she wasn't around, he would impatiently wait for her or head to the place where she was. A perfect example was this exact moment.
He was at their hideout, pretending to watch TV, but actually spying on the door to see if a certain tempting purple-haired woman in glasses walks in. It's been hours though, and so far, only two annoying teenagers - one too perky the other with a voracious appetite, a pair of glasses wearing a young boy, a large dog-like creature, and a long-haired random idiot, have come through.
Where was she?
He promised himself to go look for her if she didn't come by after an hour. It was unbearable. He just wanted to be around her. It was disgusting, his neediness. Lately, he was still sort of groveling, trying to be nice and making her comfortable with him again. Everything will be worth it once she falls back in his arms once more.
Without a doubt, he wanted her back. He wasn't going to define their relationship but as long as they reached an understanding and resumed getting physical again, it would be excellent.
Kagura sat down beside him and crossed her legs. "You're waiting for Sacchan again, aren't you, Gin-chan?"
He coughed, "Who? No, I'm not. I'm just bored."
"You're still an idiot." She shook her head, "Well, don't wait up till midnight or the next morning."
"What do you mean?"
"You haven't been paying attention, have you, Gin-chan?"
"What is it, Kagura?" He was becoming edgy.
She smiled, wickedly. "If you give me ten packs of sukonbu and your share of dinner for a week, then I'll tell you."
"You greedy little alien, no way in hell!"
"Okay Gin-chan." She whistled an irritating tune. "I wonder how Sacchan's doing with whatever she's doing..."
Gintoki rested his chin on his palm and faced away. There was no way he was giving up his dinner.
"Sacchan always looks pretty with those dresses, right Gin-chan? And she seems to be warming up to you again." Kagura giggled. Giggled? What the hell? "You'd be surprised with the things she tells me about you..."
He gritted his teeth, trying to think of something else. Food, sweets... Sacchan always made sure he ate well... NO... The television, what's on TV? He glanced at the box, it was the one from her home and right now a man and a woman were kissing passionately on screen. CRAP. The pile of comics on the floor... She gave them to him. SHIT. The rug! The dirty thing spread on the ground. That had nothing to do with her.
Visions of their hurried lovemaking on the floor immediately flooded his mind.
Well, fuck.
"... and she's done a lot in the past few years..." Kagura continued.
"WHAT IS IT?" He screamed, unable to contain his curiosity any longer.
"... She did seem nervous about tonight..."
"Kagura! TELL ME, YOU GLUTTONOUS PIECE OF-"
"OI! GIN-SAN! STOP SCREAMING!"
"Says the boy who's been whispering."
"Kagura here won't spill her knowledge, I'm getting frustrated!" He was really getting snappy.
"Say you'll give me your dinner!"
"Just tell me already!"
Shinpachi approached them dangerously, "Tell you what?"
"Where that- that... That woman is!"
"You mean Sacchan?"
He wanted to punch that grin off Shinpachi's face. "Go on then, make fun of the guy who took you guys in at your lowest points in life. Me, who brought you into this world, nursed you, fed you, put a roof over your heads. I'm killing myself working for your education..."
Kagura and Shinpachi were rolling with laughter.
"Gin-san, I've never seen you so pitiful." Shinpachi adjusted his glasses. "It's Sacchan and Zenzou's turn to investigate tonight. They're following a new lead. It could take a while..."
Oh? He didn't know that.
"Shinpachi! You moron! Why did you give it away so easily? What about his dinner in exchange for information?"
"Where? I think I'll check out that lead too." He pushed Kagura's face into the sofa and stood up to grab his Lake Toya weapon.
The other two shared a glance. "Erm... best not to, Gin-san. It's a bit difficult so we left it to the ninjas, remember?"
He didn't remember. That's right, he'd been spacing out during their meetings. He needed to focus.
Sighing, he flopped back down on the couch and tried to get rid of his impatience.
Time passed as slow as ever and his urge to sleep had completely gone away. He waited the entire night until it was almost four the next morning yet there was no sign of Sacchan nor Zenzou. He was on his feet, walking back and forth across the room, bursting with worry. They had more than enough time to gather information and return.
His other comrades were sleeping soundly on their respective mattresses, unaware of his turmoil. A small sound from the door caught his attention and he was quick to open it.
It was Hattori and he was alone. The man was drenched in blood, but Gintoki couldn't tell if it was his own. The ninja was hunched forward, clutching his left arm which was twisted in an impossible angle. Even his left foot was bent all the way back and being dragged forward by him. He could smell gun powder.
"WHAT HAPPENED?" He was yelling with all his might. "WHERE IS SACCHAN?"
The others woke and gathered by the door, taking Zenzou inside. Shinpachi and Otsuu had started with the first aid. Gintoki saw two bullet wounds on the ninja's shoulders.
"Hold on, hemorrhoid ninja!" Kagura was fishing out the bullets with a knife.
"L-let's go to a hospital," Otsuu suggested.
Katsura shook his head. "We can't. That's too risky."
"But Zenzou-san..."
"Shinpachi, take Hattori to the hospital with Sadaharu. Bring the girls with you," Gintoki ordered. "Zenzou, where is Sacchan?"
"S-she's not here?"
"What do you mean 'she's not here'? She was with you!"
"Yes... We were separated hours ago, after the confrontation with Matako and Henpeita."
"Where is she? Is she all right?"
"She's injured... But she killed the girl with the guns... I killed the other one... Then Kamui and Takasugi arrived. We had to escape."
"Where did it happen? I'm checking the area." He was nervous. Sacchan hadn't showed up.
"She was supposed to come here. We parted hours ago... I was being followed so I had to take a detour."
Gintoki cursed. "Where did you meet them?"
"At the closed lot behind the red and purple casino hotel." It was an abandoned area, a likely place for underground operations. "She can't be there, Gintoki. Check her... place." Zenzou winced in pain and grabbed his shoulder.
"Take him to the hospital. I'll find her!" He ran outside, rushing to the empty lot, reaching it in record time. It was dark, too gloomy and quiet despite the almost sunrise. He spent an hour searching the place but found no bodies. Not even a whiff of blood or gun powder was in the air.
Determined, he dashed to Sacchan's apartment and rapped on the door, hoping she was there. Within seconds, she opened the door. Her frameless eyes widened upon seeing him. He studied her face, noting flushed cheeks. She looked... okay.
Her body was wrapped in a large robe which covered her arms and legs. Even her neck was hidden.
"You're all right..." He said, stepping forward.
She moved back, wrapping the garment tighter around her body. "Y-yes... Do you- do you need something?"
He didn't take his eyes off her as he stepped inside and shut the door. "I heard about what happened... from Hattori. They brought him to the hospital."
"Is he going to be fine?" She looked away from him and stepped further back.
"I think so..." He continued to stare at her, trying to find something wrong. "Are you hurt? Why didn't to go to the hideout?"
She bit her lip, "I... I could handle it on my own."
"Are you injured?"
"Gin-san..." Her lower lip trembled and suddenly tears were flowing from her eyes.
"What's wrong?" He moved to grab her but she slid away, shaking her head.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"For what?" He wasn't sure what she was referring to. "It's okay. You're fine."
She shook her head. "No. I killed her, Gin-san. I killed her."
"So? She's the enemy." It was odd that something like this was bothering her. "You've killed before, haven't you? Maybe... Maybe it feels different after almost five years of not doing it."
He distracted her to be able to wrap his arms around her and he was pleased when she leaned against him. Tightening his hold, he rested her head on his shoulder and rubbed her back as she sobbed into his chest.
"Sacchan," he murmured, feeling her warmth against his body. He bit back a groan. She felt amazing and fit right in his arms. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," she repeated.
He drew back and cupped her cheek with his hand. She looked so sad and vulnerable. "What do you mean?"
"I had no choice but to kill her, you have to believe me."
He bent down and kissed her, wanting her to know that everything was okay. He could care less if Matako Kijima was dead. It only meant they had one less opponent.
She seemed rattled and he wanted to calm her. Their kiss was smooth and light. He hoped he had reassured her. As he pulled away, he caressed her lower back and whispered against her lips.
"Relax. I believe you. Sacchan..."
Her eyes were searching his. "We were so close... She was our lead to Tsukki... I'm really sor-"
He kissed her again, frustrated with her apologies. There was no need to ask his pardon for what she did.
"Gin-san, wait. You- you shouldn't kiss me- ahhh!"
He moved his hands to her breasts to cup them through her robe. "I want to kiss you... and touch you everywhere. Sacchan, I want to make lo-"
"No!" She pushed at him, breathing heavily. "Gin-san, go back to the hideout and take a cold shower. You're just reacting as a man-"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I want you before you let me-"
"Stop it! This isn't fair to Tsukki!" He had never seen her face so determined.
He reached towards her but she slapped his hand away. "This has nothing to do with her!"
"This has everything to do with her. Go away now, Gin-san, or I'll hate you. Stop making me betray her even more. This isn't right!"
"The hell it isn't! You're not listening to me!"
"Things aren't over between you and her! Don't drag me into this. You know I'm here for you, Gin-san... but not like this."
"Stop holding back, you idiot! Why do you keep trying to get away from me?"
"Because of Tsukki, Gin-san! We have to stop this. We're both doing this for her. You said you'd wait for her. That was your promise. I- I know how much she means to you... how much you love her. Don't make me taint your love for her."
"That's not what you're doing!"
"I don't want to get in between-"
He cried out, frustrated. "You're not! You're-"
"You can't have both! If you say that you want me... That means you're forgetting about her. You're letting go of her. Is that it, Gin-san? Are you going to disregard her now?"
"OF COURSE NOT! I'm not discounting Tsukki-"
"I know. That's why I'm not letting you do this." She pointed to the door and avoided his gaze. "Now, you have to leave. If you don't... If you don't... I'll hate you for what you're making me do. You have to understand. I'll never forgive myself for letting you and Tsukki down."
Once more, he grabbed her and held her to his chest, counting the seconds as they passed. He didn't want to go but if she asked him to, then he was not going to force himself on her. She was currently drowning in misconceptions, making things even more complicated.
She had a point though. Was he with Tsukuyo or Ayame now? Honestly, he wanted to give in to what he wanted right now and deal with the consequences later. She shouldn't ask him to choose at this moment, the circumstances weren't right.
If she needed space, fine, he'd give her some time to clear her head. After all, he'd been as straightforward as he could be. He was making no promises of keeping his distance permanently.
He kissed her neck, licking the tender spot that made her shiver and pressed his lips on the skin above her clavicle, reveling in her unrestrained reaction.
"Since you begged, kitten, I'll leave tonight." He was satisfied for now, seeing that she had no life-threatening injuries. "Just so you know, we're not done."
He spent the whole morning bathing in ice cold water.
Author's end note: Wow, I cannot express in words how happy your reviews make me. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Here's a big creepy grin for all of you. And I am pleasantly surprised with the Bansai reactions lolololol. Tbqh, I initially contemplated on a TakasugixSacchan connection but it never seemed to fit and well... you'll see soon. Um... I'm getting confused myself that's why Gin is confused and undecided here too. It's ugly, I know. kurasuchi, that guy de gozaru... He wasn't easy. Strawwwberrylollipop, really? That's great! I feel glad, then. How will Gin-san choose, it's gonna be difficult. an. co. xx, of course Bansai has an agenda but he is a patient man hmm. F1-30 Neptune, this is only the beginning of my plans for world destruction. Oops, I stole Takasugi's line. Mikishami, not entirely certain but Bansai seems underused in fanfics. :P