Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review after reading, I'd really appreciate it! This story is unbetaed. Btw, this is NOT THE FULL VERSION due to site restrictions. You may check out my tumblr / wordpress / livejournal / AO3 for the detailed chapters. The title says it all. Masochism! Oh this part is truly waah. *speechless* Replies to reviews are at the end of the chapter. ARIGATOU! =D
Chapter 18: There's a Weird Pleasure in Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You
Sacchan emerged from a dream where she was drowning in a deep red sea. She heard herself gasp for air as she opened her eyes. She had lost consciousness but she was still alive.
With enormous effort, she reached up to fix her glasses, glad that it was mildly in place. She did not want to continue on blindly. She winced as she propped herself with her other arm. How quick of her to forget that hand was ruined. She stared at it and touched the cloth that covered part of it, revealing the state of her fingers. She sobbed. Her hand was dying. Only her thumb and index finger moved. There was at least some sensation there. But the rest were either numb or paralyzed. She couldn't even recognize the other parts anymore.
Then, there was her leg. She knew that her bones were jutting out of it. When she looked, it was also wrapped in fabric. She bent to touch it. It was soaked. That explained her faintness. She was leaking out a lot of blood. The ringing in her ears decreased but there was still a low hum that remained.
Sacchan studied her environment. She could see Gin-san and Shinpachi a few meters away. They were still fighting, or rather, Gin-san was clashing with another man while Shinpachi looked alert behind him. Gin-san was yelling, the words she couldn't make out completely, but he might have been giving out instructions to glasses.
She sighed in relief. He looked well; much better than he did earlier. She could not bear seeing him that way – unresponsive and weak from all the bleeding. Gin-san had recovered now, his injuries were very little, it seemed. But how?
Kagura and Katsura joined them, four against one, but their opponent managed well enough. Then Zenzou and Kaoru Waki also arrived to help. She wondered if any of them knew she was here. It was dark and she was at a corner, barely seen.
Zenzou and Kaoru left, followed by Kagura. The man with the bandaged eye hurriedly raced to them but Katsura blocked his path. They continued their fight, Gin-san and Katsura against the man. Several times, he tried to attack Shinpachi while raging at him but he was defended well.
Then, Shinpachi moved away and her gaze followed him. He stopped in front of a hanging figure. She heard him whisper, "Tsukuyo-san! It's been quite a long time. Let's get you out of there."
"Shinpachi… This web… it's different." Tsukuyo warned him. Still, Shinpachi slashed at it with his sword to no avail.
"What's going on, Tsukuyo-san?"
"It takes a different kind of aim to destroy this."
Bracing herself, Sacchan stood up while using the wall for support. Her entire leg was a mass of pain. But she endured it. Pain was abstract to her, she believed. She had survived worse things. Slowly, she edged toward them. "Shinpachi…"
"Sacchan-san! What happened to you? Hold on!" He offered her his shoulders in support and guided her to Tsukuyo. "You should sit down. Let me see your injuries."
"No, it's all right. Let's get Tsukki down." She was aware of Tsukuyo's wide angry eyes directed at her. But she was going to explain. "Tsukki, please!"
"I don't need your help, Sarutobi!"
"Gin-san… He… He still loves you." The words drained her of life but they needed to be spoken. "He came all this way to find you. And you're right, I wanted him. All this time, I wished to have him so badly. But he only sees you."
"Sacchan-san…"
"I w-was wrong… For even trying to be with him. But you have to understand. I couldn't help it. I love him too. He needed someone. I just…" The tears broke through her resistance. "Please, Tsukki… I'll stay away from him. I'll stay here and you… You'll go back with him, won't you? Don't leave him like that again-"
"How dare you! It was still wrong!" Tsukuyo spat at her. "I thought we were friends but you were always plotting behind my back, weren't you? I can't bear to hear your insincere apologies or explanations."
"It's true. I would have done anything to have him. I was desperate! I really, really liked him… But…" She hesitated. It was a risk to reveal what happened then. "But when I saw you two together… A-at the Yorozuya place that time… Years ago…"
"What?"
She gulped. "W- When you two got together a-and-"
"Damn you, Sarutobi! What kind of a mix of perverted and stalker are you? There is really something wrong with your head!"
"It was an accident, Tsukki! I was there as always and then the two of you came in and-"
"But you didn't even try to leave?"
"I… I…"
"I thought so."
There was silence.
"Um… Did whatever I am thinking happened actually happen?" Shinpachi asked feebly.
Sacchan sniffed. "Yes. I'm dreadful." She bent down to gather a few kunai, ignoring the torturing pains of her leg. "But Tsukki… I learned something important that night… and I just want you to know that after it happened, I never intended to get between the two of you." She flung the weapons at the web and Tsukuyo fell to the ground. She landed on all fours smoothly before getting up, holding two of the kunai in her hands.
Her gaze was still unforgiving.
"Sacchan-san, that was amazing!" Shinpachi adjusted his glasses while staring at the bits of string on the floor.
"Thank you, Shinpachi…"
Tsukuyo pushed forward, gripping the kunai. "Tell me how you did it, Sarutobi. I need to know. Did you rape him in his sleep? Ambush him in the bath? Or did you deceive him… Making him believe that something happened between the two of you?"
Sacchan clenched her teeth. She had enough. She apologized and explained her side. She even promised to stay away. What more did Tsukuyo want? Did she have to insult her even more? She already had Gin-san; she had practically everything. "I did nothing of those!"
"I wouldn't put anything past you anymore!"
"Tsukuyo-san! Sacchan-san! Please, don't fight!" Shinpachi stood bravely between them. He had no weapon but he was determined.
Tsukuyo leaped over him with her arms crossed, ready to attack. Sacchan moved as fast as she could to the right, trying to evade the attack. But Tsukuyo was quicker, her kunai dug into Sacchan's arm, making her fall back. Then, her beautiful eyes widened.
Sacchan saw that Tsukuyo's foot was caught in a piece of web. She twisted, losing her balance and fell forward, her face landing powerfully on Sacchan's knee as it shot upward when she fell. Tsukuyo slid to the floor and hit her head again. There was blood on her mouth and she was unconscious.
Sacchan gasped and attempted to get up but the blood on the floor made it slippery and she unintentionally slid back and hit the wall. She cried out as the ache intensified.
"TSUKUYO!" Gin-san's anguished scream made her look up. He was still fighting side by side with Katsura. Shinpachi was shaking Tsukuyo's shoulders, trying to rouse her. Sacchan lay still… She couldn't move and she did not know if it was out of pain or out of… fear.
She watched as Gin-san's face transformed, laced with fury. His movements terrified her as he fought the dark-haired man. They were purposeful and hot-blooded. His growls sparked chills in her spine. Was he going to fault her for what happened? She shivered and she swore she felt her heart stop.
Gin-san's hair was whipping back and forth and his teeth were bared in anger. His eyes looked like there were devilish flames burning inside them. She could decipher the intent of his actions just by watching… Right now, Sacchan felt like she was viewing the past, back when the Shiroyasha spread terror in the battlefield.
Katsura also fought with comparable intensity although with less ire. He screamed, "Gintoki! Go to her! She needs you! Do not let love be hindered by a troubled being such as Shinsuke. I'll deal with him. This is my battle. We have unfinished business, don't we, Takasugi?"
Sacchan's spirit calmed when Gin-san unexpectedly looked her way and rushed desperately in her direction. She let the happy tears fall from her eyes, awaiting his warm embrace and reassuring words. She needed his comfort and his shielding presence. To be in his strong arms and to tell him how much she loved him… To kiss him again and lean her head on his shoulder… "Gin-san, I-"
But he had stopped a distance from her, right next to Shinpachi, and bent down to take Tsukuyo in his arms. He gently brushed the hair from her face and wiped the blood with his sleeve. Calling her name several times, he shook her and tried to wake her. His fingers reached out to check her pulse. Relief suddenly filled his face, meaning she was alive. He kissed her forehead and her cheek, rubbing her shoulder and holding her close. Taking her in his arms, he stood up and spun around.
Sacchan edged back against the corner, hidden by a piece of furniture or something else she could not determine. She hoped that he wouldn't see her there. She peeked from the edge, still wanting to see what happens despite the continuously flowing tears and the rotten ache in her chest that surpassed the torture of her hand and leg. In a sea of blood and sorrow, she almost expected her heart to simply give up and stop beating.
She already knew and she said it herself earlier… But she was still a fool to even hope for a second that he would look for her. She wanted him to find her, to make her fantasies a reality. They had been together, no matter how you look at it. However, it was a mistake to have believed that they would last… or that there was even something special to begin with. Maybe these past few months were already forgotten, erased like they never happened at all.
Tsukki was right. She was desperate. And there was something wrong with her head.
Their opponent, Takasugi was down. His sword was far from his reach and Katsura loomed over him, pointing his own sword to the man's neck. They were still speaking to each other, lamenting about their pasts and how much Takasugi hated the world. They disagreed on their master's fate, despite having the same one.
Still, it seemed like Katsura did not want to kill Takasugi. He pushed to convince him of other means. He wanted to convert his old comrade. Gin-san simply listened and watched them, Tsukuyo still in his arms… But Sacchan did not want to look at them any longer.
She dared not make a sound when Kin-san arrived. He stabbed Katsura in the side and drew Takasugi away from his sword. Then he picked Jiraia up and they ran but not before he informed Gin-san and the rest of their fate. "Three bombs, two hundred seconds, one magnificent explosion." Then, they fled.
"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" Gin-san screamed and she saw everyone rush to the window on one side. Bravely, she got up and proceeded, as steadily as she could, to the dark glass nearest to her. She saw Gin-san face her but before he could do anything, she opened the glass and leaped down, praying there was a tree or a branch to hold on to. It was a leap of faith. She prayed she would make it through the fall. She always did, somehow.
And there was one, close enough for her to wrap her good arm and leg around the trunk. Her face slammed against it and her nose and lips were sore but she had a decent grasp. It was enough to land steadily on the ground. Her leg banged against the wood but she disregarded it, even just for a while.
She slid down, slowly. The bark was sharp and rough even over her clothes. There would be scratches everywhere, but what mattered was that she was getting out of there. Someone called out to her from above though she did not bother to look that way.
When she landed, she took a few seconds rest and then forced herself to get up and run, or rather, limp away from the impending blast. She moved to the darkest area without any clue where she was going. The only goal was to get as far away as possible.
The earth shook with the detonation and she was thrown a few feet forward, sustaining only limited additional injuries. She crawled away from the debris and hid under a shelf of metal. When the explosion subsided, she took off in another dark random direction. Her sight blacked out a few times but she only paused a while and kept going. Her heart was pounding and she looked down to check if her leg was still attached.
Then, there were rushing footsteps behind her, catching up. "Sacchan! You're going the wrong way." It was Gin-san and she felt her whole body shudder. She pressed forward, not looking at him, but she was getting weaker and she was failing to catch her breath. He grabbed her arm and she winced. "This way."
She had no choice but to follow him when he tugged her forward but she did so wordlessly. She saw Tsukuyo still unconscious and in his arms. He held her close and tenderly even as they were rushing through the streets. His arm let go of her as they made a turn. A short-cut, he said. She watched his arm wrap around Tsukuyo's body.
"SACCHAN!" He was yelling. She might have spaced out. "Did you hear me? We have to climb. Can you? I'll help you."
She stared at him, feeling herself float. She was not certain if she recognized his face or not. His voice was distant and his words were bouncing off her ears. Sighing, she leaned against the wall and nodded to herself. This was definitely the new worst night of her life.
He spoke again, making her look back at him. "Fine, I'll go first. Follow me if you can. Or reach out, I'll pull you up. Sacchan. Come on…" He climbed on the brick wall, Tsukuyo slung on his shoulders. The building wasn't too high, only about five or six floors. Could she make it?
The bricks were cool to her touch. She pulled herself up with her unharmed hand and stepped with her functioning leg. But when she reached out with her other hand and attempted a step with the damaged leg, she lost her grip and fell to the ground. An unpleasant current ran from the back of her thighs to her feet, making her moan in discomfort. She saw the bone sticking out from her leg and shut her eyes, trying to obliterate the memory of it.
Taking a couple of deep breaths, she pushed it back in place as much as she could and tightened the cloth around it, just so she could have something to stand on. She would never be able to climb up in this condition.
"Sacchan!" Gin-san called from above. He was on the roof, carrying Tsukuyo in his arms again. He was shouting at her and she wondered if he was telling her off for the umpteenth time. His figure was illuminated by the full moon shining behind him. She watched them for a while, admiring the radiance and perfection of the image they made with the moon as their patron.
The beauty of the night with the moon presiding over it. The stars in the background only borrow their own light from it. Then, the stars, in a moment of truth, fall from the skies, never to return again. Only a few see them tumble but most do not even notice.
The rareness of seeing a star drop grants the observer a wish.
"I wish you happiness, Gin-san." She murmured while smiling.
She wasn't the moon, obviously. But she was not a star either. Tsukuyo is the moon and she, Ayame Sarutobi, is the monkey.
Sacchan took off, ducking through the streets and keeping herself hidden in the darkness. She dragged herself away, as far as she could, until her breath or her body yielded. She collapsed later in a dark alley, crying and exhausted. Her life force was slowly being drained. She wept for the things she couldn't change and for the feelings she could not vanquish. The thought that she might have angered Gin-san or that he thought she betrayed him… It sunk her in misery. She could not even imagine his handsome face in her mind. She could not hear his attractive voice in her head. All she remembered before going out cold were his blazing red eyes.
She was shocked to have regained consciousness in her apartment afterwards. She was on her bed, a pillow underneath her head, and her body cloaked by a warm blanket. Someone saved her! Could it be? Gin-san must have come back for her. She despised the expectations and yearnings of her heart. It was still difficult not to hope. She had always been a masochistic fool. But how had she arrived here then?
A sting on her neck made her gasp in surprise.
Author's end note: All your reviews are love and fuel for my writing. Wheee! Shit, August is almost over. Chapters are depressing lately but there are good ones to come too. To damnheart. o3, well, we also have to consider if Sacchan wants to be with Bansai. Now I can't help but reevaluate how I write Gintoki. I might be making readers unsympathetic of him. Hmm. To kurasuchi, yes that's why it's so confusing! To an. co. xx, I can't believe a new ship has been born of this story. We'll see what happens. :)