Author's note: I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review after reading, please please! This story is unbetaed. Btw, this is NOT THE FULL VERSION due to site restrictions. You may check out my tumblr / wordpress / livejournal / AO3 for the detailed chapters. Thought I'd have the weekend off but someone ruined my schedule. Had to face some difficulties at work: some people are just too demanding! Good news though, I bought a new netbook so yay now I can write properly. My old laptop had 5 nonfunctional keys so it was really difficult before. Oh yeah, I tried very hard to make this chapter as interesting – and revealing – as possible. Replies to reviews are at the end. Hugs and thanks to everyone! ;p

Chapter 19: Sleep Seems Like a Better Option than Waking Up and Facing All Your Problems

It was almost like five or six years ago. That time when he made a startling yet magnificent discovery of his feelings. Every fragment of his memories came rushing back from the moment he regained consciousness. She was finally here with him – he found her and got her back. He focused first on her eyes, incandescent orbs that never failed to reveal her soul to him. He wondered if his eyes shone with his own emotions; feelings which have now turned vague and unresolved.

Gintoki sat up, struggling with the movement. His view swayed and his sides hurt. The bandages around his body were unyielding and the one on his forehead contributed a great deal to his headache. Coughing, he released the tightness in his chest.

Tsukuyo slid closer and rested her head on his upper body. Her arms wrapped around his neck as she whispered, "Finally, you're awake… Gintoki."

He drew her to his lap and kept his hands on her waist as they both pressed closer to each other. The delicious scent of her hair filled his nostrils and he reached up with a palm to touch the strands. They were as smooth and soft as they looked. Neither of them moved for a while, Gintoki only caressed her long hair and her waist while Tsukuyo leaned against him.

The room was dim and silent with the windows shut. Still, the coolness in the air was maintained. The walls had a familiar plain coloring in them and the ceiling was as shabby as ever. He could see the remnants of a large gap that had been repaired haphazardly in the past.

Were they back at home? At the Yorozuya place? He had to be dreaming.

"Tsukuyo," he gently pushed her back to look her in the eye. "We're in Edo?"

She nodded, blushing. Their faces were close, very close. He could feel her breath against his lips. He also liked the fact that she could still blush in his presence. She held their gaze as her fingers trailed from his nape, passing to his neck, and rested on his jaw. Gintoki was aware of her full breasts crushed to his chest. It took all his self-control to stop himself from groaning.

He was reminded of their first night together, and all the other times that followed, which they spent right here, in his room, on his futon. Of course, there were other places where they had kissed and made love but this particular spot was special, the most memorable… and the most private.

Tsukuyo leaned forward first, kissing him with unrepressed urgency which he eagerly responded to. Her lips were warm, still plump and soft as before. She moaned as he licked and bit them, then she pushed her breasts to him, just the way she knew he liked it. When he lay her down on the sheets and kissed her neck while undressing her, she begged and arched toward him.

It was the most amazing thing ever.

He bent down without delay and sucked too eagerly on her hefty mounds. They were bare underneath the single layer of the kimono that she wore and it pleased him very much. He was more than satisfied with her delighted sighs which echoed through the room.

Then her legs were wrapped around his waist, her center pressed against his erection. They moved together, lost in the bliss of their reunion.

"Gintoki… Please…" Her voice trembled and she reached for him.

He stretched upwards to meet her lips, and he devoured her, wondering what would be enough to satisfy him. But she had always been enough, perfect and irreplaceable. Their lives had been going so well but she disappeared and that changed everything. He needed reasons. He wanted to understand.

When they paused for a breath, he trailed his lips to her forehead and cheek to feel her scars and reassure her of his love. The smoothness of the area made him pull away. It was another alteration that kept him in the dark.

Gintoki cleared his throat again. "How long have I been out? How did we get here?"

She blinked at him. "Four… or five days. Katsura said you passed out after we escaped. When I came to, I told them that it's best for us to return here." She kissed him again but as much as he wanted it to go on, he slowly took her off his lap.

"Gintoki? What's wrong?" Her expression was unreadable.

"I… I'm thirsty. And hungry." It was an excuse, but he needed to ask her so many things. She looked tempting right now, naked and willing, back in his arms, but he couldn't concentrate with all the questions at the back of his mind. There was no doubt that he wanted to make love to her. She was still able to stir the heat within him. Tsukuyo was the love of his life, for fuck's sake. He wanted to be with her. However, his instincts held him back and he was one who always trusted his own gut.

She pressed her lips together, stood up and covered herself then proceeded to smoke with her kiseru. "Do you want me to get you some food and drink? I can cook-" she hesitated, "or prepare something for you."

He chuckled. Tsukuyo, cooking? Well, she did make delicious sweet hot pot and a nice bento every now and then but it was either him or Hinowa who usually did the cooking. He swallowed his mirth though when she glared at him. "Maybe later," he said instead and patted the empty space beside him. "Stay with me," he murmured.

Sighing, she took the spot and gasped when Gintoki filched the kiseru from her grasp and rolled it a few meters away from them. "Gintoki!" She was adorable especially when surprised.

"We need to talk, Tsukki." He pulled her back into his arms and stared into her eyes, hoping that she would understand what he was asking for. She always did.

She leaned her head on his shoulder, looking up at him almost tearful. "Kiss me." When she asked in that manner, there was no way he could refuse. He groaned as their lips touched again with impatient, desperate kisses. "I missed you so much," she cried as she gasped for air, "I love you, Gintoki."

"Me too, Tsukuyo." He caressed her cheek and her hair, crushing her to him.

"D- Do you still want me?" She asked after suddenly pulling back.

"Yes." He could hear his voice, thick and hoarse with desire. Then he kissed her again.

Tsukuyo sighed against his mouth and held his face between her hands. "I was going to return to you, Gintoki. I really was."

He shut his eyes, trying to push away his doubts. "What happened? Why didn't you?"

"It – the process – it needed some time. Jiraia said I wasn't ready-"

"Jiraia," he growled. "That bastard! Is it true? That you sought him willingly?" He couldn't accept it. Why would she return to someone who tried to shape her into something despicable? Why did she need that pest's help after everything he had done?

Tsukuyo shook her head. "Stop, please, Gintoki. It's not what you think-"

"Then tell me, Tsukuyo." He shook her with frustration. "Tell me so that I can understand what the hell is going on."

"I love you-"

"Tsukuyo."

She paused a while. "But I was worried that I was holding you back or pushing you into something too hasty."

"What are you saying? Holding me back? Rushing into what?"

She pulled at his shirt, "Gintoki, we were getting married. I wanted to, I really did… But I always wondered if I was enough for you."

"You were!" What was she talking about? "Did I ever make you feel like you weren't?"

"I'm sorry. I just…" She traced the edge of his top. "There are so many things that I've been thinking of. Like how sudden it was when we got together and maybe it was just the sex-"

"You are beautiful and sexy but it was more than that." He gripped her waist, nudging the undersides of her breasts. "We've just been holding back. I told you-"

"It's not only that, Gintoki. You were never the marrying type…"

"Until I met you!"

"It was so sudden-"

He let out a loud breath, frustrated. "Why didn't you tell me all this before you disappeared on me? We could have just talked-"

"It wasn't just that! It wasn't easy for me either!" She pushed away and stood up, her back to him, but he remained on the futon.

"Then what else? Tell me."

"I am telling you, you just won't listen. You keep interrupting me!"

"Fine, go on then. Let's make sense of this silliness."

Tsukuyo faced him, her eyes fierce. "It's not silly, Gintoki!"

He shrugged. "It seems like that to me."

"Then why the hell am I even trying to explain when you've already made up your mind?" She crossed her arms and turned away. He couldn't see her face but he hoped he did not make her cry.

He stood to approach her and massaged her shoulders before hugging her to his chest. "All right. I'm sorry." He kissed her neck, licking the most sensitive spot, making her hum in response. "I'm just lost and I want to know why you've been mixed up in something that's connected to Jiraia – the man who messed up your past – and even Takasugi, who's from my past. He's dangerous. They both are."

"You're right… Takasugi… That man… He sees the world differently. He's impatient and unstable."

"I've been losing my mind every single day just thinking about what they would have done to you," he murmured into her hair.

"Gintoki… I always thought of you too. But they didn't do anything to me. Takasugi's been very frustrated because the serum hasn't exerted its optimum effects on him. His eye heals but it returns to its old state if he doesn't use the injections constantly."

"The serum? You mean the drug?"

"The blood of the Amanto."

He felt his heart stop. He turned her to face him. "What did you say?" Was that the reason why there were dead bodies of the alien race popping up everywhere, and even some at the Kiheitai's hideout?

She gave him an anxious look. "Yes, that healing liquid is taken from their veins. Jiraia discovered it in his travels and encounters with various races. He used it for years, which is why he now possesses a younger skin and more vitality."

Gintoki pressed his lips together, mirroring his feelings deep inside. The way she spoke about her old teacher was too familiar and trusting despite his treatment of her. "Are you two… Together? Do you love him?" He hated saying those words.

"No." She shook her head. "No! I said it's not like that. He helped me. That's all there is. He wants the two of us, you and me, together, Gintoki… but he just has different standards and methods."

Gintoki narrowed his eyes. "That's for sure. What do you mean he helped you? He took advantage of you… of your body. Has he brainwashed you into thinking that?" He remembered the way Jiraia took her on the bed, the way they kissed… That bastard laid his filthy hands on her and even violated her… And she let him…

But Tsukuyo patted his chest and gave him a light kiss. "It's different, the way the serum works."

"How does it work?"

"You felt it, didn't you? When I used it on you then?"

Gintoki nodded, recalling the maddening sensation of the drug.

"It isn't as intense the first time. You can still overcome it. But when you use it the second time onwards, the reserves in the blood and organs increase, making it difficult for the receiver to take control."

"So, what happens?"

"Components of the blood repair the damaged areas but in the process, the nerves are most affected. We don't know why. The feeling becomes ambiguous and almost drives the user mad."

"Yeah, it does." He drew her closer, staring at her face, intent on discovering what the effects of the injections were.

"That's why the user needs help."

"What kind of help?" Gintoki asked in dread but he had a bad feeling about the explanation.

"Jiraia explained it to me. There is a spectrum of touch sensations that the body can perceive. The ones in the middle are safe and do not have much influence over the nerves. Somehow, they have become numb in that range. The two ends, however, can divert and minimize the sensations, making the user gain control."

"Pain. And Pleasure." He said with certainty.

Tsukuyo nodded. "By default, people choose pain and many have died without help, inflicting serious injury or death upon themselves, just to end the discomfort. But pleasure…" A meaningful look passed between them.

"I see." Gintoki laughed, he laughed so much that it took some time for him to stop. He had let go of Tsukuyo and turned his back to her. The stupid blood was a healing miracle and its effects were sickening. It was fucking unbelievable, absurd really. "Such a wonder drug… Who could ask for more? No wonder so many of you are addicted to it."

"It's not about addiction! It's the healing properties-"

"But at the risk of the lives of the Amanto? I know they've conquered our lands but that is not the way to deal with it. There are also good ones, innocent ones who've been victimized."

"I know… I never thought they'd drain them dry…"

"I understand why Takasugi wanted it… he could be mortally wounded and still recover fully. He also wants his eye back. Even Jiraia, his fucked up face certainly needed a lot of restoration… But you? Tsukki, why have you been using it? I can't even think of a reason. It might have long term effects that you're not even aware of. That's dangerous!"

"Jiraia's studied it well. He told me about it and gave me a choice. It was his way of repenting. He wanted to fix what he had done. So I forgave him because he was – no, is – my master and I wanted to get rid of the scars-"

"Why? I've always told you that you're still beautiful even with the scars. They're a part of you and I loved you, all of you, even those marks. But outer beauty shouldn't even matter, right? What's important is what you are on the inside."

"I know that! The scars just reminded me too much of the past… A past I had to erase. Given the opportunity, I took it. It was for us. I wanted to begin a new life, with you…"

"We already were, Tsukuyo." He was sorely disappointed with what he was hearing.

Her voice had turned into a whisper, but he could hear them clearly. "I always felt inadequate. We were in love… But was I right for you, Gintoki? You're a wonderful man. You could have anyone… A lot of more beautiful and uncomplicated women were just waiting for you."

"But I only wanted you! Physical beauty isn't the only thing that matters to me-"

"I'm so sorry, Gintoki. I don't know how to make you understand anymore. It's just that I was scared, and anxious, and confused, more than I have ever been in my life. You always made me unsettled, you know?"

"Tsukuyo…"

"Before you, the only life I knew was the one I had in Yoshiwara. I was always in control and comfortable with myself. Then you came and then I constantly found myself on my toes." She reached for him, hugging him from behind, pressing her breasts against his back. "I've never met anyone like you. You make me feel different. You make me lose my resolve."

He didn't speak. He always believed in her and he tried his best to care for her. Her words made him sad. Was he that insensitive to her feelings and insecurities? He was used to making an effort to treat her differently and more special than anyone else.

"That's why I was worried when we got together. I just wanted you to be content… and happy."

"I was. You didn't have to do all that!" His body remained rigid, unyielding.

"I'm sorry. I really wanted to come back sooner. But… I'm here now, I'm back. Gintoki, what now? Now that you know… Do you still want to be with me? Because I want us to return to how it was before…"

Tired of all the thinking and analyzing, he turned to her and drew her into his arms, hugging her, trapping her so that she would not leave him like she did all those years ago.

"Answer me, Gintoki! Why aren't you saying anything?" Her voice wavered. "I love you. I won't leave you again, I promise…" Her arms wound around him so tight it almost hurt. "Tell me you'll stay with me."

"Yes, Tsukki, you know I want to." His voice was soft, even distant to his own ears. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair. "I've spent almost a quarter of my life searching for you…"

"Gin… toki…" She sighed into his neck. "W- What about Sarutobi?"

A cold tremor of electricity run down his body, "Sacchan! What happened to her? Where is she? Is she alright?" Reuniting with Tsukuyo had distracted him. He could see Sacchan's injured body, the blood, and the bones sticking out of her leg. He was haunted by her sad eyes, full of tears - those eyes which turned away from him as she fled into the night. A tremor of guilt pierced his heart. He gasped at the memories, along with the feelings that came with them and let go of Tsukuyo.

"Gintoki," Tsukuyo pulled at his arm, "I don't know. None of us saw her. She didn't return to your hideout. Maybe she ran away again."

"No, she was hurt and she needed help. Did someone go look for her?" He was getting worried, thinking of the possibilities. His breaths were starting to become rapid and he kept looking from left to right, not knowing what he should do next.

"The explosion injured most of us. There was no time. We returned to Edo immediately."

"So no one went back for her? No one knows what happened to her or where she is right now?" He cried angrily. "How long has it been? Four, five days? Fuck, I have to go back there."

"No! We should stay here." Tsukuyo was pleading with him. "We don't know if the Kiheitai are still in that area-"

"Something could have happened to her!"

She hesitated. "Gintoki… Maybe she's-"

"DON'T SAY IT!"

Tsukuyo slapped him, a hard and angry hit across his cheek, making his head turned to the side with the force. It took some time for him to recover while he rubbed the part where she struck him. When he looked at her again, he saw her eyes - hurt, furious and disappointed.

"Tsukuyo, what-?"

"So, it's true… what Jiraia said! You and Sarutobi…" She choked back her tears, seemingly unable to continue.

"Tsukuyo…"

"TELL ME, GINTOKI! HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN WITH HER?"

He looked away, unable to believe that she was in a state like this. He could hear her foot step across the ground but was it toward him or away from him?

"GINTOKI! YOU OWE ME THE TRUTH!"

He sighed and covered his face with his palm. "Yes, yes! Sacchan and I are together."

"I see…" She lunged at him and pounded her fists on his chest. "HOW COULD YOU? And it had to be her?"

He grabbed her arms, trying to make her stop. "Wait! Tsukki!"

"You say you love me but when we're apart you go running to the first woman who would willingly – desperately – spread her legs for you! I knew it…" She sobbed with anger. "And you say I was enough for you…"

"Stop! It's not like that!"

"Could you even say that she forced or tricked you into it? She's a relentless, desperate woman! Tell me it was a mistake…"

"Tsukki! Please, let me explain…" He tightened his grip on her arms. "Sacchan was in that area where we were looking for you. She helped us; she helped me take you back. During that time we just… She was always there for me. We didn't do it to hurt you. She didn't plan to steal me away. It just happened." He couldn't tell her how he started it, how he suspected Sacchan, how wretched he was and how he used unforgivable means to extract information from her.

Tsukuyo struggled. "Gintoki…" And suddenly tears were rushing down her face. "You… You're defending her now? Are you telling me that she hadn't done anything to you? That you wanted it?" She gasped and pulled away, taking several steps back. "C- Could it be? B- But that's impossible! Could it be that you've actually fallen in love with her?" A laugh escaped her trembling lips as she shook her head with her eyes widened in disbelief.

Gintoki gritted his teeth. The way she said it and laughed, it was like she mocked the idea, finding it the most impossible thing in the world. It made him uncomfortable. "Tsukuyo, Sacchan's not as bad as you make her out to be. Maybe she was intolerable before and she did a lot of weird things then but… she's different now. If you talked with her or spent some time with her, you'd see."

"Did you kiss her like the way you kissed me? Did you make love to her every night like the way we used to? Does she satisfy you? Does she make you feel good? She probably does everything you want, acting like your slave, always trailing behind you like a dog-"

"TSUKUYO, STOP!" He immediately regretted yelling at her when her eyes widened in disbelief. He had upset her. "You're rambling," he said in a softer voice.

"It's my fault, isn't it? I shouldn't have left you. I should have stayed with you. If I did, then we'd be married right now. We'd be living here with our children and none of these problems would be plaguing us." She sobbed and he rushed to her to hold her, rubbing her back while whispering that everything was going to be okay. But his insides were in turbulence. He was troubled that no one had seen Sacchan and she did not make it back with them. The thought of her with those injuries and in that area… Could she have survived it?

After a while, he stepped away from Tsukuyo with much regret. "Tsukki, I have to go back. I have to find her… To see if she's okay. You understand, don't you?"

The tears kept flowing from her eyes. "So, this is it, Gintoki? You're choosing her? You're returning to that place to be with her?"

Gintoki shook his head and grabbed her hands, touching his lips to them. "I have to make things right. She helped me, in so many ways…" He trailed off, taking a breather. "And right now, she's still my girlfriend. I shouldn't even be kissing you." He smiled at her with guilt.

"What will you do, Gintoki?"

"A man has to do the right thing. I'm also a samurai, and we have a code of honor." He let go of her hands and moved away to dress up and put on his boots. "I've been troublesome lately; it's tainting my record and my reputation. Even my soul." Slinging his bokutou over his shoulder, he walked to the door. Before stepping out, he said, "I have to break up with her first."

Author's end note: Too much dialogue but it can't be helped. Late apologies for Tsukuyo… I have no concrete ideas on how to characterize her. Most fans see her in a certain kind of light and in conjunction with that, ship her hard with Gin but for me, I don't really care much for her. Maybe she's too perfect? And don't say her scars or her drunken state are her flaws, that won't do. :P No fights, just explaining why I write her this way. I'm really trying hard to see her from the POV of her and GinTsu fans. Oh Sorachi-sensei, what have you done? Hope the story is still making sense. My brain's muddled with the nonstop shifting from studying to working to writing to sleeping to worrying. But this routine keeps me sane! Next month's events of my life scare me. So, for now, we know it wasn't Gin who saved Sacchan. To damnheart. o3, amazing speedy review! Next chapter, we'll see if you're right. To an. co. xx, we will find out soon. To redpurpleblack, action might dilute the drama. Too much drama can be depressing or boring. To Guest (Mikishami?), glad you liked it. XD