You're in love with a girl who's in love with the world though you can't always follow.
And you know that someday she is bound to go away.
You have to learn how to let her go.
You know as soon as she climbs in through your window.
You know it when she can't meet your eyes at first, and how she doesn't smirk hello as soon as she does.
You see it in her eyes. You see everything.
She's made up her mind. She's going to do it. Tonight.
Cold dinners and blown out candles dive to the back of your mind.
For a moment you think you're going to cry some more, but no tears come. Your heart plummets and crashes and burns, but your eyes stay dry. You know what's about to happen, but the last embers of hope still linger, and even though you know, you just can't make yourself believe it.
You know as you get out of bed and walk straight into her embrace, when she wraps you in those long, skinny arms she uses to help you get the things you can't reach, or to cover herself while she takes the blows her father deals.
You know from the way she whimpers when you hug her back that she almost didn't make it this far.
That's when the tears start to flow.
Because you feel selfish for wanting her to change her mind.
You know when instead of her shushing you and telling you everything will be alright, that nothing will ever be alright again. You know when she cries along with you, for the very first time since you met her, that you already miss her.
And then she confirms your biggest fear.
She tells you she's running away from home, away from this Town… and she's not looking back. But that she wanted to see you one last time.
You cry a little harder. Hold tighter, no longer caring that you might be hurting her. She doesn't seem to care either, saying you're the one holding her together.
She wanted to see you. You. Of all people. You're both pretty much the only friend each other has, but it still boggles your mind that this magnificent human being can look at you, look at your face, and still call you beautiful like it's the only truth in the world.
She kisses you on the top of your head and you know that she knows. She knows how much you'll miss her. How much you'll need her. And possibly, how you love her.
You pull back to look into her eyes and you see everything. Yes, she knows that too.
She tucks away the hair you keep down to cover your face, and even with tears in her eyes, she doesn't blink.
She takes you in, scrutinizing and memorizing you. You know no one else who would dare even glance, but not her and you love her for it.
You meet her gaze and you know it might be the last time.
So you don't blink either.
You want to remember everything so you have something to hold onto on those nights when she would have been there to make sure you were okay, even though she knows you're only ever okay with her.
You want to remember the way her hair falls all over and around her face when she wakes up realizing she must have dozed off next to you. Or how it whips about in the wind when she drives you to nowhere just listening to music, or to swim by that small lake only y'all know. Or how it sticks to her face and neck when she's sweaty from a long day at the job she dropped out of school for. Or how wet it gets when she's been waiting for you to fall asleep before walking home in the rain, which she loves. Or how tangled it is when she whines about your lack of gentleness, even though you know she loves it when you run your fingers through her hair sometimes.
She whispers your name. Your heart trembles at the sound and you hope you never forget it.
You want to remember the way her voice booms when she's laughing at something silly but the joke flies over your head. Or how it drops to a low rumble when she doesn't want to talk about it, whatever it is. Or how it gets high pitched when she tries to play down the fact that she did something nice for you. But mostly, how firm and unwavering her voice sounds as she tells you that you're the most perfect soul she's ever met. And that you're the best friend she's ever had.
And that the Red Sox are the best baseball team in the world.
You laugh out of nowhere and the tears fall freely, but you don't blink. You don't dare.
Because she's smiling down at you instead of calling you crazy. And you want to remember that smile she gives only to you. When you're happy. When you're sad. When you're confused or bored. When you're angry, and then you see it, and then you're not angry any more.
You love her for that too.
So you don't blink. No matter what.
Because she's looking into your soul now. Her eyes are dark and lovely, full of emotions you can't even fathom yet it feels as though she's reflecting your own thoughts and feelings too. That's just how she is. She just knows.
She's the only one who cares enough to know, and you know you're that person for her too.
You reach up and cradle her cheek and she leans into the contact like she's just come home, but you know she's leaving instead.
She covers your hand with her calloused fingers, and that becomes your homecoming.
For a few moments you both just stand there in the middle of your small bedroom, wishing the world away.
Then she sighs and asks you to close your eyes, but you shake your head because you can't miss anything. She smiles when you tell her as much, but she insists.
You can't say no to her, even though she's the only person who ever gives you the choice. So you do as she asks.
You close your eyes and you still see her, but you feel her more. You feel her wipe your tears away and press her lips to your forehead like she does when your mother blames you for what happened to you, or when the other kids won't stop calling you a freak.
You feel her breath on your face as she dips her head to kiss you on the cheek like she does when you cook her favourite meal. Or after you tend to her wounds after she gets into a fight with those stupid kids or her stupid Dad.
You feel your chest tighten and your heart swell, and you know that your love for her just grew. You were so sure you couldn't love her more.
You bury your face into her chest and breathe in the scent of her musk. Today she smells of sweat, grass and… lavender. You smile because she only wears that perfume for you. You turn your face into her neck to breathe more of her in, but your lips end up brushing her skin. You feel her pulse quicken under your touch, and then you know.
You know why she asked you to close your eyes, but the realization couldn't have come fast enough because now she's kissing your lips.
You clamp your eyes shut and grab fistfuls of the back of her shirt, afraid if you open them she might stop, and if you let her go, she might disappear again. No, instead you kiss her back with the force of a thousand hearts.
She stays so gentle but slips her tongue between your lips to taste your love. You love her so much that your heart is beating throughout your body.
You even feel the pulse throb between your legs now and you have to break away to catch your breath.
You don't open your eyes, just in case, but you feel her breath fan your face and know she feels it too.
"Maur."
You're not sure if she's calling your name or asking for permission, or both, but you're very sure you don't care because whatever she wants, you want it too. If there is any one you would trust enough to have you in any way at all, it's her. And in every way.
Finally you open your eyes and nod your head about a dozen times before you kiss her again.
You're confused when she pulls away to ask you a question with the tilt of her head towards the door, but you just beg her not to leave yet. You tell her that you can be quiet and that no one's home anyhow, and she smiles because even if that weren't the case, she's not leaving you like this.
She kisses you while undoing her belt.
You kiss back, unzipping your jeans.
She pulls away to tug her shirt over her head and you do the same with yours, flinging it away. When you almost knock your lamp over, she laughs against your lips and lets you guide her backwards to your bed.
She finds it with the back of her knees and sits on the edge, staring up at you. She's the only one who's ever seen all your scars, but you smile because you know you don't disgust her. And because she shows hers to only you.
She removes her bra and pulls you close by your hips to settle between her legs, placing an open-mouthed kiss on your stomach, and you're sure she can smell your want. You dig your fingers in her hair and gasp at the sensation of her tongue flicking out against your skin. She runs her hands up and down your sides and a shiver makes your muscles quake.
You look down and marvel at the vision of her mapping a wet trail of worship on your imperfect surface. It makes you think of one of her favourite songs where they sing, 'You make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long.' No words could be truer in this moment.
You let go of her and when she finally looks up at you again, you're completely topless. You fight the urge to cover yourself and she can tell you're nervous, but she doesn't push. She doesn't blink either.
She tenderly guides you into her lap and kisses you with the passion of a hundred waterfalls. You can't help but drown in her. You lose all inhibition and press your body so close to hers you could swear she's already inside you. Her rough hands are everywhere and they burn your skin and it hurts like heaven.
You don't know or care how you ended up on your back, or when the last barriers of clothing were removed, but you feel so good, and she feels so right against you. She whispers the sweetest words and she makes you feel beautiful. She makes you feel wanted and cared for.
You feel loved. It drives you to tears.
When she's stroking you and building you up to the point of breaking, you try to tattoo this image of her into your brain. You try not to blink, even though you can barely remember to breathe. Her body is lean and warm and her hair tickles you as she moves against you. The only sounds she makes now are from breathing a little harder, and you know she's in pain but she wants this as badly as you do. You're wrapped around her, holding on for dear life, even though you wish this would kill you.
You wish, with her final thrusts, that your climax would take your soul away so that you never have to live another moment not feeling as whole, as complete as you do tonight in her arms.
You look into her black eyes as you come undone, and when she tells you she loves you for the first time, you already know. She's showering you in the abundance and magnitude of those four letters.
This is your white Christmas.
You don't say anything for a while until she does. Basking in the afterglow. Dreading the darkness still to come.
"I could live like this," she says, holding you close. "I can barely move as it is."
You adjust yourself so you're not leaning against her bruised side so much. She must be in so much pain, but knowing Jane, she would never admit it. She won't let you go, even to get a bag of ice for her. You sigh and snuggle deeper, cherishing this moment.
"I could die like this."
"Don't say that," she whispers sadly, kissing your head.
You sigh and burrow deeper into the curve of her neck. "But I mean it."
"I know."
She always knows.
"Oh shoot. Almost forgot." She slowly moves out from under you and reaches for her pants, pulling something out. She asks you to close your eyes again, and you only hesitate for a moment this time.
You feel the heat of her skin and the texture of her nipples against your back before you jolt at the sudden cold metallic sensation on your chest.
"Oh!"
She breathes out a chuckle and quietly apologizes before scooping your hair out from under the chain. You don't have to open your eyes to know it's a necklace and yet when you do, you still can't help but gasp.
"Jane… It's beautiful."
"You like it?"
"Like it? I adore it."
"I swung by Murphy's Gift Shop and saw the two butterflies. It reminded me of you… us…"
You turn to give her a chaste kiss and she asks you to turn the pendant over to read the hand-made engraving.
MJ
It's simple, just two letters side-by-side, yet it's worth a thousand words and all the emotions that go with them. This time she kisses you then lies back and you follow her, resting your head back where it belongs.
A moment later, a heavy sigh escapes her.
"I can't stay here, Maura."
"I know."
After that, you're sure her next words are to be some form of a good-bye, but you don't want to hear that right now. You focus on the steady rise and fall of her chest, the rhythmic lub-dub of her heart, the goosebumps on her skin…
"Run away with me."
You stop your movements on her stomach and look up at her. You hope she's not joking because your heart's on your sleeve. No, it's in her hands when you say, "Honestly?"
She doesn't even hesitate to answer back, "Honestly."
"Gimme five minutes to pack."
"Yeah? You'll come with me?"
You sit up and hold the sheet against your chest. "I'd follow you anywhere."
She sits up too, but lets the sheet slide right down. "I mean… I don't have it all planned out or nothin'. I've just been savin' up a bit to get a place in another Town while I look for work."
"I have some money saved up too and I could also get a job. I'll even get two, as long as I'm with you. We can stay in a cave for all I care. Please, Jane. Don't leave me."
She looks at you like you're crazy. Though she doesn't ask you where you got the money from or how you plan on getting anyone with eyes to hire you. Instead she asks and answers her own question.
"How could I, Maur? I love you so much."
"I love you." You hug her. "So much."
You both tell each other you love each other for the first time… and the sky falls down.
END Chapter 3