She knows before you even say a word, and you miss her already.
... J ...
You pack your life into a single duffel bag, thinking it's sad how little you're worth by most standards. You're not worth much money in possessions including your old truck, you're not worth the love of your own parent, or the respect of your peers.
Eighteen years. And all you've got to show for it is a duffel bag and a limp.
And her.
Whenever you talked about running away, it always went without saying that you'd have to leave everyone behind you. And that was okay back when it was still a pipedream, and it truly was up until a few minutes ago, but now… Now the thought of being away from her makes you sick to your stomach. Worse than the pain of broken bones.
But it ain't safe no more. It's time to go. It's either you leave tonight, or live and die this way.
But you have to see her first. You have to say good-bye.
She's never let you photograph her, so all you have is an old candid photo of the two of you holding hands when you were kids. That, and a truckload of memories.
You need just one more. One more memory and you can go.
You have to see her. Kiss her one more time. Then good-bye.
But those two words are two too many and once you're standing right in front of her, it's all just too much. Your resolve is dust. It drives you to tears.
Words are slippery little bastards and if you don't handle them right, they get away from you. It's like your thoughts are in English but a foreign language comes outta your piehole. You know what you want to say. You just don't know how.
That's why you prefer actions. Those, you can control.
"Close your eyes," you ask her.
She slowly shakes her head and says, "No. I don't wanna miss a thing."
You smile and reassure her she won't miss anything important. She closes her eyes…
And that is the beginning of the best night of your life.
She is so incredible and she smells like wild flowers in the rain after a hot day and you can't get enough of her. You can't believe what's happening. You're making love to your best-friend.
The sum of all these sights, sounds and smells are driving you sane. Yeah, this is where you're meant to be. With her.
You aren't dumb or anything. Intellectually you know that nobody's perfect. You learnt that the easy way by being born here. But the way you feel about Maura Martin is anything but intellectual. The way you feel about her is exactly that; a feeling. A touch, a taste, a scent. When you look at her, it's an assault on all senses at once.
An assault so thorough and overwhelming that the words to express it just overflow without you even having to try so hard any more.
"Oh God, I love you," you choke out after she shouts your name, and you can't imagine ever letting her go.
Ever.
… M …
"Run away with me."
You stop your movements on her stomach and look up at her. You hope she's not joking because your heart's on your sleeve. No, it's in her hands when you say, "Honestly?"
She doesn't even hesitate to answer back, "Honestly."
"Gimme five minutes to pack."
"Yeah? You'll come with me?"
You sit up and hold the sheet against your chest. "I'd follow you anywhere."
She sits up too, but lets the sheet slide right down. "I mean… I don't have it all planned out or nothin'. I've just been savin' up a bit to get a place in another Town while I look for work."
"I have some money saved up too and I could also get a job. I'll even get two, as long as I'm with you. We can stay in a cave for all I care. Please, Jane. Don't leave me."
She looks at you like you're crazy. Though she doesn't ask you where you got the money from or how you plan on getting anyone with eyes to hire you. Instead she asks and answers her own question.
"How could I, Maur? I love you so much."
"I love you." You hug her. "So much."
You both tell each other you love each other for the first time… and the sky falls down.
"You lyin' lil' whore! I knew I'd find you two here."
You both turn toward the slurred voice from the doorway and you panic.
"Mom!"
"You better get yer daughter outta here now, Frank! Or I'll shoot 'er myself."
She panics too when he walks in after your mother. "Pop! Whataya doin' here?"
They must have met up at the bar again. Their affair was never a secret, but now isn't the time to point that out when you and your best-friend have just been caught butt-naked in your bedroom by both your parents.
Your breathing becomes more erratic as you panic even more.
"Don't Pop me! I won't have a filthy dyke goin' round spoiling the Rizzoli name. I thought you woulda learnt your lesson earlier, but I guess I'ma have to finish what I started."
She places herself in front of you but he uses the leverge to pull her by her hair and throw her down with a loud CRASH.
"No! Jane!"
All you can do is scream helplessly. You hear and almost feel it when he punches her in the ribs he's broken time and time again.
You scream for him to stop, but your mother holds you back, pulling at your hair. You fall backwards and land on the floor just as her father knocks her back down after trying to get up. You fight your mother off to crawl in Jane's direction, screaming and begging her to fight back as he kicks her over and over until he's grunting and sweating with the effort.
You can't help the tears, but you try not to blink so you can see if she's still breathing.
"Jane!"
He stops to take a breath and you immediately cover her with your body. You don't even care that you're exposed because the love of your life is bleeding her life out onto your carpet. You gently cradle her head while you warn him to stop or he'll kill her… and then you're staring down the barrel of his gun.
"I put her into this world. And I'll take her out. Now move, sinner."
He cocks his gun trying to scare you and you hear your mother gasp.
"Ease up on the trigger there, Frank. Just take your kid and go!"
"I know what I'm doin'!"
You look into his wild, blood-shot eyes that are nothing like Jane's in this moment, but you're not afraid. If he wants to kill her, he may as well kill you first, because there's no way you're going to move aside and watch the love of your life just die.
You can't live without her, so she won't die alone.
And that's when you smell the smoke.
The shattered lamp on the floor is all the evidence you need to know the source but it's too late now.
You gulp. No, not fire. Not again.
You flashback to your five-year old self being engulfed by flames after your favourite dress catches on fire. A memory you've had to live with for the rest of your life since it happened, and now it's happening again.
"Frank! Look what you've done! Get outta my damn house! Now!"
You hear them argue and scramble to leave, but you're not going anywhere without her.
"Maura! Don't just sit there! Help me put this out!"
You ignore the screams, but when the girl in your arms lightly coughs it's as loud as the beat of your own heart in your ears. You wish you were as strong as her so you could carry her outside, but you aren't. You can barely cradle her because moving her would only hurt her more.
She's bleeding from her temple, nose and mouth and the bruises from earlier have gone almost completely purple. You can't leave her. You can't even try.
She tries to speak but she can only manage to keep her eyes open a few seconds at a time.
"Jane, please."
You sob and cough, begging her to live. Begging her to take you with her. Begging her to hang on. Begging her to drag you down with her.
The flames spread far too quickly in the small space and before you know it, you're both alone in a burning house.
Her eyes are rolling back into her head and you hear yourself scream for help.
None arrives.
"I- I... I'm sorry," she mouths and you shake your head.
"Shh… It's okay. I love you... I love you."
You feel dizzy and know you've inhaled so much smoke. You're coughing and sweating and the heat stings but you focus on her while she focuses on you.
She reaches out to touch your butterfly necklace and you kiss her one last time.
Her last breath.
Is to say she loves you more. And your heart dies with her.
Her eyes stay open, but you know her soul is waiting for you on the other side.
You hold her till the end.
You don't blink.
Because you know when you do close your eyes, it'll be for the last time.
"I'd follow you anywhere."
Darling, please fly slowly,
Be careful of the thorny roses ahead.
Darling, please open your mouth a bit,
The fragrance in the wind will intoxicate you.
Darling, please follow me,
Through the jungle to see the small creek.
Darling, come dance with me.
There's no darkness in the spring of love.
We fly together closely,
Fly together for a lifetime.
I never regret loving you.
Worthy of my tenderness and your beauty
We fly together intimately,
Fly together for a lifetime,
Until the leaves pile up in the autumn wind.
I wither away with you without regret
Two Butterflies _ Liang Zhi Hu Die
END Chapter 4