Whenever she stopped to think about why she did it, she told herself that it had been about regaining control, because her emotions had been all over the place and she'd needed to calm and focus them. That god-awful pandemonium in her mind had been a novelty, and she hadn't been able to concentrate or sleep. From the second Piper had left the apartment in Paris with that hurried and determined step of hers, Alex had felt smaller -either that, or every room had grown larger all of a sudden-, and it had been necessary to look for ways to make her brain shut the fuck up. It had been a new sensation for her, since she had never needed any kind of help to enter any kind of place and "own" the space; it had been customary for her to feel bigger than the room, dominant, and other people had picked up on it immediately.
Her own loft had seemed doubly massive, doubly capable of stocking emptiness, and she'd wanted none of it. The first thing she'd done when she'd arrived home after sorting out her mother's affairs had been to invite absolutely everyone she could think of and tell them to bring their friends too, and their neighbors, and anyone they'd met along the way. It had been a rather naïve way of trying to fill up that empty space, since the nothingness had been inside her own chest, and she had been uncharacteristically mistaken at pinpointing her problem: not a matter of being alone, but of feeling lonely.
She already knew that being alone made all the bullshit dissolve and all you had was yourself, but she was familiar with that, and more than fine with it. However, being lonely, she found, made all the ghosts come out to play, and your mind became their playground. How the fuck could she fight that? She'd been tired of crying in her bed and of carrying around those two very specifically-shaped absences inside her. Because emptiness could be heavy, and an absence could occupy space, and it had felt as if she'd crossed Alice's fucking looking glass and left had become right, up had become down, and nothingness was now heavier than lead.
Alex thought she understood what she'd done wrong, but how could she let go of the inexcusable fact that Piper had bailed on her when she'd needed her the most? She just couldn't. After everything that had happened between them and having owned the whole fucking world, how could this be the outcome? How could it end like this? Before meeting her, Piper's biggest adventure had probably been going bungee jumping or some shit like that, all extra wires for security and wearing a helmet. She knew that wasn't the girl's real self, what she'd really wanted, because Alex had seen her climbing mountains and exploring temples, chasing fish and treading mud. She had scurried with the blonde along narrow streets, and perused cities with strong houses made of stone and weak houses made of wicker, squeezing out every ounce of life and fun until they thought they knew them as well as the palms of their hands. It had been more than enough proof for her to believe that they belonged together and that it could always be like this, because no matter what Piper had claimed, she had wanted excitement and had wanted to feel like a bad girl.
The bottom line was that her loneliness couldn't be combated, because whenever she consciously missed Piper or subconsciously expected to find her in her bed or around the house, she invariably resorted to call her mother, and when she thought about her mom, she wanted to curl up on Piper's lap and have her stroke her hair. Her situation was a puzzle without a solution, a maze without an exit, so the only available option for her was dulling that pain until she didn't care anymore - if she couldn't get out of that maze, the next best thing was to make herself comfortable there and call it home. She had used drugs before, of course, but mainly excitants -with the exception of pot-, and always in a recreational way, often to give things an extra edge, but what she'd needed at that moment was the opposite effect: to blur out those pointed edges so that they couldn't hurt her anymore.
She'd never once been tempted enough to try the drug which provided her livelihood, and not only because she'd seen what it did to people in general. Of course she'd known what it did - who the hell didn't? However easy it would've been for her to get her hands on some of it, she'd rarely come in contact with it directly. It was partly for her own safety that she had kept her distance, but mainly because she had already met the single greatest loser ever, a hopeless addict incidentally, and she'd needed no more reasons to keep clear from the shit. Meeting Fahri had proven that there was obvious power in its business, though, and that one's fate could definitely be chosen. One could either be a sheep or a wolf -there were no two ways about it-, but it had little to do with biology and plenty to do with choice. Alex had made the decision to side with the wolves and distance herself from her father and the carefully-crafted legend created by her mother as much as possible. She'd assumed control over her own destiny and over the substance which had stupefied that man's brain as well as countless others, and that was the best way of becoming the complete opposite of what she despised. She became what she wanted to be, and with it came a certain toughness, a hardening of the heart, because the hopeful, starry-eyes she'd been wearing when she'd entered that dressing room had to be relinquished in favor of control, but hadn't it been worth it?
Yes it had. It had been so worth it. She had loved her life and she had proven it with every step, with every journey, with every laugh, with every conquest.
Alex stumbled into the bathroom and paused before the dusty mirror. Her pupils were tiny, and her smile seemed weird, as if it wasn't hers and she'd borrowed it from someone else. How nice of them, to lend her their smile. She looked down at her own body, naked except for her underwear, and acknowledged that everything else was indeed hers. Then, she stepped into the almost full bathtub without caring to remove her bra and panties, and slid to a sitting position. The hot liquid welcomed her, embracing her body with every cell, and Alex considered never moving from that spot ever again, just as long as she could go on recycling the water once in a while to keep warm.
When the bathtub was full to the brim, Alex turned off the tap, and sunk until the soles of her feet reached the other end of the tub, and her head was the only thing above the surface. Her mind drifted away as she listened to the psychedelic record playing loudly in her study, transporting her to another time and place where she had felt content, safe and confident - all of which meant the same thing, really.
The blonde had already told her more than twenty times that she needed to rest, that she wouldn't be able to keep up if she didn't get at least a few hours of sleep, but Alex had her reasons to insist. She entered their bungalow and smiled at the dormant figure, of which only a tuft of dark-yellow hair was visible - the rest was hidden under the sheets. It had been a hot day, so the purpose of covering herself had surely been to shield her eyes from the unavoidable sunlight. At least she hoped that was the reason, the brunette mused, worrying about the possibility that Piper might be sick again, like she'd been in Indonesia, not so long ago.
Frowning, Alex took off her glasses and lifted the covers a bit, enough to be able to wriggle under them. She reached around Piper, who was breathing deeply, and pulled her close so that she could press her lips against the girl's forehead. Her skin was warm all right, but there was no trace of a fever. Relieved, the brunette nuzzled Piper's neck and started kissing her way around it. Her hands snaked under the blonde's arms and caressed up and down her sides, gradually getting closer and closer to her breasts and ass with every respective stroke.
The girl harrumphed, and brought a hand to Alex's cheek. "Al, what are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"No," she protested, groaning with her drowsy voice, and then tried to push Alex. "Behave or go away."
"I'm sorry, I can't. There's just… something about you that's compelling me to-"
"Alex!" Piper cried out, when the brunette's fingers squeezed her nipples over her t-shirt.
"What? Oh, that? You didn't like that?"
"No. Yes. But…" the girl whimpered. "I want to sleep!"
"And I'd be happy to let you do that, Pipes, but you're irresistible! It's your milkshake! I can't help myself!"
Piper stopped struggling and froze for a moment before starting to laugh, despite herself. She grabbed Alex's hands to try to halt her advances, but her present strength could be likened to that of a kitten. That Piper was feeling so worn-out and with such a hangover was in part Alex's fault, but only because the blonde was too easily provoked into doing stuff, like say, a tequila shot contest among some newfound friends. The brunette reveled on the memory of slowly licking Piper's salt-sprinkled neck and avidly biting on the lemon slice that the girl was holding between her teeth, her mouth trying in vain to keep the bitter juice from dripping from their joined lips. By reversing their roles and taking turns, they had won the competition without great difficulty.
The blonde's resulting state, however, had been a different matter. It had all been fine while they'd been sitting down, but then the open-air beach bar had opened, and it had started playing cheesy, commercial music, and it had been too much for the girl. With a slurry voice, she had started to convince everybody to dance with her, making up the moves as she went along, while Alex had been laughing her ass off at the blonde's frantic gestures and her inability to plant her feet firmly in the sand, because being drunk while sitting down was the easy thing - standing up and moving around was the real challenge, the real measure of how very intoxicated you actually were.
With that short-temperedness that Alex had always found so amusing, Piper had commanded her to follow her lead, and soon they'd figured out a dance routine of sorts for the song, one which was practically compatible with every other song they played, and which other people had started to imitate. Something Alex believed she would never forget was the sight of Piper moving towards her seductively until their hips came in contact and the tips of their noses touched, the girl's hair darker due to the waning sun, her eyes blazing with euphoria, and her swerving body outlined by the pink-colored sky.
She would've kissed her possessively and taken her back to the hotel that very second, but Piper wanted to party, and party-Piper was always a funny Piper, so Alex had complied. Grabbing the tequila bottle to down a couple of more shots, because she was much more resilient to alcohol than the blonde, Alex had stood a few feet away from the girl, simply watching her prance around the groups of people like a hyper Amazon. Doing her goofy routine had made her move even more unsteadily in the sand, and she had even tripped and fallen down a couple of times, so it had been hardly surprising when the blonde had started walking backwards, unable to operate her own legs and stop. Seeing ahead, the brunette had set down the bottle and tried to reach her, but everything had happened too fast. Piper had unintentionally reached the beach bar, bumped against one of the waiters, made him fall and let go of the large tray he had been transporting from the kitchen to the tables. Alex had seen the tray spinning in midair, spraying rice over the clientele like a fountain, while the rest of its contents plummeted over Piper and the poor waiter: Khmer Krom pork chops; delicious stuff, really.
It hadn't been pretty, half-dragging a very drunk Piper back to the hotel, covered in a sticky layer of sand, lemon juice, oil, and sauce, but Alex had almost choked from laughing so hard. With the indignant screams of the beach bar personnel still ringing in their ears, they jumped in the shower together, as was their custom, and Alex scrubbed the girl diligently, giggling at her slurry proclamations of regret.
They were now in a different beach, where they had a small hut of their own in the white sand, directly before the shore -instead of a simple, boring hotel room-, and where Alex had learned that there was something far more entertaining than a pink, scenic sunset. However, and not surprisingly, Piper seemed to be suffering the hangover of the century, and didn't wish to move a single muscle.
Alex folded back the sheets to uncover most of their bodies. "Come on, babe, you've been sleeping all day, and I want to show you something."
"I'm not drinking tequila ever again," the girl murmured, seeking refuge between Alex's arms.
"What are you talking about? Tequila is definitely your drink. A night that doesn't end like yours did is a night wasted."
Even though mocking Piper was far too easy and she could hardly ever contain herself, it wasn't incompatible with feeling sorry for the girl, particularly when she was being so adorably vulnerable. She kissed the top of her head and then lifted her chin to look into her eyes. Nobody had ever felt so undeniably hers as Piper, and maybe it was because she had never felt like she belonged to anyone before, certainly not like she belonged to Piper. For a while it had all been fun and games and superficial marks on their skin from the throes of passion, but then things had gotten serious; Alex had found herself humbled by her surroundings, faced with her feelings, and stripped of everything but her helplessness. It had been no little thing allowing Piper see her powerless and letting her know that she loved her, even though her feelings for the blonde had been visible and palpable well before that. Saying it had made a difference; it had broken a wall, a wall belonging to a dam, and so the water stream could no longer be contained. It felt as if there were no barriers between them now, especially since Piper had said it back, and Alex could safely claim that she'd never been happier.
Something that was also proving to be difficult was getting Piper to move. The girl kept groaning and whimpering as Alex moved her limbs around, treating her as a life-sized doll, trying to get her out of her t-shirt and shorts and into her bikini.
"Come on, babe, it's gonna be totally worth it."
"Fine!" Piper bellowed, sitting up and fastening the top part of her bikini. "You're making me swim? But it's getting dark!"
"Do you trust me?" Alex asked, suddenly acknowledging the underlying seriousness of the question.
"Of course," Piper answered, rising from the bed and surrounding Alex's shoulders with her arms. "Unless this is a blatant ploy to get me to go skinny dipping."
The brunette snuggled into the other woman's body, which was still warm from the bed, and smiled naughtily. "Right, like I would need to trick you into doing that."
They exited their little bungalow just as the generator controlling the resort's electricity was turned off, as it did every single night. One of the advantages of this place was its low light pollution, which made it all the more beautiful after sunset, bringing out all the stars. With the full moon as their only illumination, they strolled towards the water holding hands, thankfully alone. Certainly Alex didn't want to share this moment with a bunch of tourists. They reached the spot in the sand where she had earlier left two diving masks, and she handed one to Piper, who asked her what the hell were they going to see in there if it was already dark. She wasn't wrong; by day those waters were clear as the water in a swimming pool, so why go snorkeling at night?
Grinning, the dark-haired woman simply put on her mask, led the blonde into the water, and instructed her to follow her. It was a complete luxury, being able to swim at night in the ocean, but that wasn't the only reason for doing this. They swam until they were at about three-hundred feet's distance from the shore, and only then did Alex stop. She reached out around the blonde, who was huffing and puffing from the effort, but was still capable of glaring at her.
"You're not looking," Alex chuckled, shaking her head.
"Looking at what?"
Releasing Piper, the brunette dove into the water and came up as hard as she could, causing an explosion of light all around them. The waves created by her movements started glowing unevenly as if they had a blue headlight underneath them, but it was more like hundreds of tiny light bulbs had been progressively turned on, their lights then gradually fading as the water settled down. The blonde's mouth was hanging open, and she cupped some of the water between her hands to try to examine it more closely. She had no idea of what had just happened.
Alex chuckled and floated on her back, kicking softly with her feet and creating more of those blue sparks. In reality she wasn't responsible for anything; that phosphorescence was just caused by microscopic life forms in the water, but it looked so magical overall that fairy dust would've been a perfectly valid explanation as well. She grasped Piper's hand and they dove in together, remaining underwater for as long as they could. With every stroke and every kick, those fluorescent sparkles appeared and floated around them, giving off an electric blue glow which illuminated their faces and random parts of their bodies for less than a second.
Who knew that plankton could be romantic? Alex resurfaced and pulled off her diving mask, knowing that there was a stupid smile on her lips. Now where was Piper? The blonde floated upwards several seconds later, shaking her wet mane and wearing an equally elated smile. Throwing back their heads and whooping at the sky, they reunited under the wide circle that was the moon's milky reflection in the water. Alex lifted the girl effortlessly and made her hug her waist with her legs. She loved seeing her so happy, so free, laughing loudly without a care in the world. That was how it was supposed to be.
Piper brought her fingers up to Alex's wet hair and combed back a few rebel black strands, then traced her hairline. The girl was touching her so carefully that Alex could only close her eyes and surrender to those delicate fingertips. She then felt a hand on her cheek, and a pair of salty lips grazing her own, which she couldn't help but kiss back.
Her hands started to wander around the girl's lower body, squeezing her ass and the inside of her thigh. Piper pushed back Alex's hair so she could get to the skin of her neck, which was a plus, because her lips were now so close to Alex's ear that she could hear the blonde's moans loud and clear when one of her hands slipped under her bikini bottom. Smiling to herself, Alex lifted the girl a little bit higher and pushed up the top of her bikini to get to her breasts. She ran her tongue between them first, then bit and sucked around the girl's nipples tortuously until she made her groan in frustration. Meanwhile, her fingers kept stroking Piper's lips, slipping in and out of her unexpectedly hot center -even underwater- and her thumb never losing contact with her clit. And when Alex finally decided to close her lips around one of the blonde's hypersensitive, already-hard nipples, Piper began to writhe between her arms.
"Fuck!" the girl cried out, grabbing a fistful of the brunette's hair and giving it a pull.
But Alex didn't mind. It was hot. And Piper was hot too. She loved looking at her face and knowing that she was responsible for its faraway expression. Furthermore, it got better, since Piper's desperation made her shove her hand between Alex's legs, surprising her with the sudden but badly needed contact. It wasn't going to take much to bring her over the edge, and Piper seemed to be quite ready as well, holding onto the last waves of pleasure for dear life.
The only clearly audible sounds in the night were the level drone of the ocean, their random splashing around, their moans and their words of encouragement.
"Kiss me," Alex whispered, immediately welcoming the blonde's eager lips with desperation, rolling their tongues together, and finally letting go.
Not wanting to ever break the kiss or stop touching Piper, Alex willingly surrendered her control over their floating bodies, and they sunk, slowly spinning around in that inky and bright-blue heaven of warmth.
Something was making her inebriated and lightheaded, and she wasn't sure if it was the lack of oxygen, the dreamy backdrop, the tiredness of having kept them afloat for so long, or the girl on top of her, under her - hell, she was all over her. Alex had already accepted it, confessed it, embodied it every waking hour: whenever they laughed and Piper reached over to shove her playfully, whenever they locked eyes across a room or played footsie under the table, when they found something beautiful to decorate Alex's loft -their place-, or when they returned to any random hotel room, thick as thieves, too excited to not start making out in the elevator. All that remained now was actually the easiest part: just living, just spending her life with Piper.