Alright so...hi. Lol, well uhh just FY the chapters are going to take a little more time now (as you can see) since I've hit that time in every story's life; no not writer's block but...idk. Anyway hope you like it and there's probably a few spelling and grammatical errors since I got a little lazy at the last read through, but nobody's perfect, right?.

Enjoy.

(Oh and shoutout to my favorite reviewers .xox and BreezeBaby93 who are pretty much the only 2 people actually contributing to this story and keeping up with it. Thanks for the love you guys :3)

Something was odd.

Stepping into my home that I'd been living in for over 5 years, I couldn't help but feel...uneasy. Had this feeling deep in my gut that something just wasn't right. When you walk into your house you should feel safe and at peace...not like Freddy Krueger could jump out at your ass any minute. Even though it was only 9 the sky was already pitch black; not a cloud or even a star in sight. Pulling the cold metal from the back of my Levi's I cocked the hammer back and gently pushed the door closed. Good thing the house was well built and taken care of or else the floors would creek alerting anyone that they weren't alone in the house. Maneuvering through the darkened halls I directed myself straight for Shantel's room. I could see a faint light gleaming from under her door, but my ears picked up nothing. Taking a deep breath I tapped the door open with the tip of my shoe fully prepared to shoot first and ask questions later. Unexpectedly there was no one to be found. Only thing keeping the room a-lit was the bathroom light.

"Shantel..." I called tightening my grip on the .45 caliber as I made my way toward the bathroom. There was no answer. Sighing in relief I returned the gun to it's rightful place as I casually leaned against the door frame crossing my arms.

"Guess someone had a pretty tiring day..." I mumbled taking in the sights. Her body was engulfed by what used to be a horde of bubbles, but was now diminished to mere suds and water which would've hid nothing from the eyes if it weren't for the slight reddish tint in the water.

Looks like someone needs to stop buying cheap hair dye.

Her head hung back against the edge of the tub, eyes secured shut and her skin was a little paler than usual. Suddenly a gleam caught my attention from the corner of my eye. Turning my gaze to the small flash of light I noticed a razor on the floor, just below her arm hanging rather limply out the side of the tub, covered in something I was all too familiar with.

"Oh no, no, SHIT!" Lunging forward I hauled her out of the tub and laid her out on the cold tile floor. I was living every man's dream just then, gorgeous naked woman lying in front of me, if not for the little fact she was unconscious and had thin slashes distributed down her wrist that were still bleeding. Every fiber of my being ached with agitation at the possibility of having lost her already, shook with frustration at myself for leaving her and burned with outrage at the actuality that she would do something so stupid and careless. Dashing upstairs I grabbed some rubbing alcohol, scar healing bandages, one of my old shirts to throw on her and placed them on the bed. The only thing on my mind as I ran back to her room was,

Why?

"Shantel...c'mon, baby girl, wake up." I quavered carrying her back to my room. Looking down on her cold, emotionless face I felt that sudden pang in my chest that seemed to be popping up a lot lately. Seeing her lying there in my arms so limp felt like an icy hand was gripping at my heart, squeezing it to the point no oxygen or blood could reach. I felt my stomach drop as all the blood drained from my face. The world seemed to stop, the only sound being my breathing and the hammering of my heart desperately seeking air and release from the gut wrenching pain.

"GOD DAMNIT!" The sound of her hoarse, shrill voice was all it took for my vitals to return back to normal. She put up quite a fight as I dabbed the alcohol soaked rag across her open wounds. I hated to admit it but I felt that this was what she deserved...she needed to feel the pain. I had no regrets whatsoever, hopefully it would serve as a lesson. What she did was selfish and dangerous. I understood she was going through a very hard part of her life at that moment, but there was always a silver lining...things could always be worse.

God, I sound like Huey.

The Jewel I met that day who wasn't willing to go down without a fight, and one hell of a fight she put up, was obviously long gone...sad cause that was the girl I fell in-like with. Not the one who allowed herself to be broken and wallowed in depression and self-pity. And definitely not the girl who just threw in the towel and decided to take the easy way out. The woman lying before me was a stranger; a coward.

What about those who need and care about her?...what about me?

"I wouldn't be doing this if you had any fucking sense, " I snapped clenching my fingers, now coated with her blood, around her slim, pasty wrist tighter. She apparently was still dazed from the lack of blood as her eye lids struggled to stay open and she couldn't focus on me directly; or anything else for that matter, "why'd you do it?" I whispered, trying as hard as I could to keep the rage out of my voice, wiping off the last of her cuts and beginning to wrap the bandages. Waterfalls surged from her eyes and I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol or if she was having another breakdown.

"I was low...just needed it to stop...I just wanted it to stop." She croaked clamping her eyes shut. Her chest oscillating hurriedly as her breathing became unruly and the sound of her heart pounding like the thundering hooves of a thousand wild stallions bounced off the walls. I knew I shouldn't of left her alone...I left her when she needed someone the most and because of that, because of Cindy, I almost lost the one person who actually means...everything to me.

If I would've gotten home a minute later...

Her heart slowing down to a somewhat normal pace as her muscles relaxed and her face smoothing out into a beatific, vacant expression brought me out of my thoughts.

"Needed what to stop?" I asked shaking her shoulders fiercely to keep her awake. If I let her doze off now she might not wake back up...and I refused to let that happen.

"The pain." She muttered. My breath hitched in my throat when her icy hand flew out and caught mine in a tremorous grip. I couldn't tell if she was going into shock, by the quaking of her nerves, the coldness and lack of pigment of her skin, or just distressed.

"...what pain?" I managed to get out finally finding my air. Her breathing slowly started to even out as she went limp again. I gripped her hand in mine tighter hoping to get some sort of reaction; a whimper, a tear, a grunt, anything.

"No one cares...no one c-" Her voice trailed off as she went completely still for a few seconds; chest unmoving. She just laid there lifeless...and unfeeling causing me to grip her hand in mines tighter, hoping to get some kind of reaction out of her; a whimper, grunt, blink, hell she could've smacked the shit out of me if she wanted; just anything.

"Shantel...Shantel!" I had lost her.

1 hour ago

I can't believe he left...he just left.

Hearing the sound of the door closing behind him caused a sharp, chronic pain in my heart. Sighing I climbed back up onto the silk sheets and curled up, letting the light beads inside the pillow soak up my tears.

Of course he left. Why would he stay and waste his time on some pathetic girl he's known for, what, 3 days? Four?

He cares...he's different.

Is he? D-Mac doesn't give a damn about you, your family could care less what happens to you and your own mother didn't even want you...you really expect him; a stranger, to be any different?

Discarding that logic from my mind I decided a nice, hot bath would probably be best to soothe my shaken nerves...and aching heart. Wrapping my arms around myself I sat and watched the mountain of bubbles rise while brawling with my own personal demons...a battle I was unfortunately losing.

Face it...no one misses you, no one needs you and no one cares about you. You lost all that the day your dad died...along with your mother. You might as well just give it all up, save Riley the pain of losing his life while you can. You'd be better off with your father...the only one who probably still loves you. Why stay?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I growled digging my nails into my arms, wincing as blood started to trickle down them.

Physical pain...to soothe the internal.

Turning off the water and removing my clothing as I climbed into the tub I searched my mind to find something...anything that was so much as close a reason to keep living. I found nothing. All my life the only person who showed any type of real interest was my father...he gave me everything; clothes, food, toys...love. All the good memories had of my past life were with him. There were a few with just my mother and I but the bad ones completely outweighed what little good there was. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to find any mental escape from the depressing pessimism that was constantly gnawing at my brain and defiling my core. Only one thing seemed to come to mind that would help...

No...you swore never to do that again.

What else is there to do? What could you possibly lose? It can't possibly get any worse, just do it...not like you haven't done it before.

Sighing I laid my head back and tried to focus on relaxing my muscles and my mind. Any other time the heated waters and cool bubbles would calm me, but not now.

Not like you haven't done it before...

"Mom...you ok?" I asked clutching the only picture I had of daddy that was still in-tact to my chest like my life depended on it. She looked up at me past her thick lashes, smothered n mascara that was running down her cheeks, eyes bloodshot and narrowed.

"What kind of dumbass question is that, Shantel?! You know damn well what day it is!" She snarled slamming the scrapbook of our family photos down on the, once brand new and fine wood, table. All pictures of me were now long gone and put to ash.

"I miss him too..." I whispered turning my attention away from her icy, accusing glare full of nothing but hatred as a lone tear streamed down my cheek. Before I could react she was up, off the couch, snatching the photo from my hand and chucking it across the room.

"If it weren't for you he'd be here with us! Alive, eating his cake and spending his birthday with me! Because of you he's gone...I lost the only person I ever loved! Knew I should've aborted your ass when I had the chance," Each word was another stab to my heart. I tried to tell myself that she was drunk, high and hurt...she was only speaking out of a broken heart, but there was no excuse I could make up for her...not anymore, "out of my sight. I don't want to see you...and my friend and I ate the last of the leftovers yesterday so have fun finding yourself something to eat. GO." I knew better than to argue with her so I waltzed over to pick up dad's picture and ran towards my room. Didn't get very far when the sound of glass on drywall filled my ears as glass decorated the floor beside my feet.

"You weren't worth the 16 hours of labor!" I'd come accustomed to her insults by then and they meant nothing to me. Her words weren't what kept the tears going...it was the fact that she was right. After all my father had done for me, was going to do for me, the last thing I said to him was 'I hate you' and because of my greed and lack of gratefulness he was taken from us. Locking the bathroom door I sunk to my knees staring down at the cracked sculpted face of my dad still in uniform. You could tell by the look of his filthy, baked caramel skin he'd been through hell, but the look of his face was pure happiness; hazel eyes full of awe and piece of mind while his lips were turned up into a big Cheshire cat grin.

"Daddy, I-I'm so sorry." I sobbed embracing the picture closer to my chest. The pain was unbearable, it hurt worse than any insult my mother could ever throw at me, any beer bottle she could chuck at me. Guilt washed over me like tidal waves ripping over a mass of rocks perched at the edge of the sea. I could barely make anything out through my blurred eyesight...but what did catch my attention was the gleaming silver razor sitting at the edge of the rusted porcelain sink. I'd seen people do it on TV, but never actually considered it as an option. However, if it's supposed to help numb the pain then...what's the worse that could happen?

Just one cut...

Sighing I grabbed the razor off the sink I placing dad's picture face down beside me. Bad enough I got him killed, didn't need him seeing me...like this. Positioning the razor over my wrist I kept my attention focused on anything else besides what I was about to do. The first cut stung, but was too thin to draw any blood. Biting the inside of my cheek I slowly slid the razor across my wrist; the additional pressure causing the skin to burn as it rifted. It hurt, but the pain was nothing I couldn't handle. Watching the blood drip down my arm my vision started to blur as a sort of tranquility came over me. It was like flying up into the sky, past the clouds, past the stars, over the universe and past the heavens. I'd never felt so relieved and at peace in my life; my mind was completely absent, consumed by the thrill of affliction. The more cuts I made the more far off my mind and body got. In no time I was lying on the cold tile floor; numb and blissful, a small puddle of blood slowly enclosing around me, but I payed no mind. The only thing I could focus on was the high of natural drugs stifling my mentality and the stupor of sorrow.

Opening my eyes my hand flew straight to my wrist which was now neatly wrapped and my naked body was concealed under a Bull's jersey which clearly wasn't mine by the size and scent...and I've always been more of a Heat/Laker's fan myself. Rolling over I was met with what I recognized as a Rilakumma teddy bear; it was a light creamish color holding a heart as pink as the blush on it's cheeks. I'd wanted one ever since I was a kid and that spoiled bitch Aaliyah from down the block always had to bring hers over and practically shove them in my face ...D-Mac had bought me just about fifty, but not one of them measured even close to how much this one meant to me.

Riley...

A broad smile broke out across my face as I held the toy close to my chest and made my way downstairs.

I've got a lot of explaining to do.

Mentally groaning I tried to think of how to explain why I was half-dead in my-er his bathtub with slit wrists and came to the conclusion that there was just no way to do that without it sounding fucked up. Part of the reason why was that...I wasn't even completely sure why I did it. That wasn't me...at all. I was a fighter not a runner, I wasn't raised to run from anything or to look for the nearest exit. My father taught me better than that.

"Hey..." I mumbled taking a seat next to him on the couch not once daring to meet his eyes. I couldn't help, but notice the bottle of Hennessy in his hands half empty; figured it would probably be gone before we finish talking by the way he kept chugging it down.

"Hey...is that really all you have to say?" By the way his voice slurred slightly and he was still able to speak in full sentences I knew he wasn't drunk...yet. Just tipsy.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked squeezing my eyes shut praying this conversation would end soon.

"I want you to tell me what the fuck happened in there." His voice was calm and at an average level, but any fool with common sense would know he was fuming on the inside.

"I was...low." I responded scooting a little further away from him just in case he, or the liquor, decided to lash out. Seeing him in this state reminded me a little of those days when D-Mac would come home from another failed "business" meeting and drink himself into a rage. He never took anything out on me but to watch him abuse everyone else was scary.

"So you decided it would be smart to kill yourself?" He questioned with a little more bark as he took another swig.

"What? NO! I wasn't trying to commit suicide!" I exclaimed finally building up the courage to turn and meet his stormy brown eyes. If that was really what he thought then maybe I was already too late to redeem myself.

"That's what it looked like to me." He spat nearly finished with the bottle. Normally I would be able to see what he was thinking through his eyes, but they were clouded by his buzz. The only emotion I could clearly see was anger and confusion.

"Look, I just wanted an escape ok." I snapped back narrowing my eyes. I expected this from him, but that didn't mean I was anywhere near ready to deal with his judgement.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous and stupid that was? YOU COULD'VE KILLED YOURSELF! What if I wouldn't of got home in time? Then what?!" He exploded slamming the bottle down on the table beside him causing me to flinch. Of course he was right, but I didn't need him beating into me what I already knew.

"I WOULDN'T OF LET IT GET THAT FAR...not like anyone would've missed me anyway." The last part I whispered, but he still managed to catch on. He had my arms in a vice grip before I could register what was happening.

"You just don't get it do you? Do I have to spell it out for you before you realize that. I. Live. For. You. For the last few days I haven't been able to think straight or get so much as a decent nights sleep because you keep popping into my mind. The reason I'm so hell bent on protecting you and keeping you with me is because for some reason every time I'm away from you I get this pain like someone stuck a knife in my chest and just keeps twisting and twisting, when I'm with you I feel like a kid on Christmas morning and that night when we slept together...it was the happiest moment of my life. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm not ready to lose that so it would really mean a lot to me if you could manage to not die. That too much to ask?" His tone was hard and flat, but the way he looked at me said it all. I never thought in a million years that he would feel something more than lust, toward any woman, especially for me. And it never once crossed my mind that he would be physically or mentally able to admit it to either of us. Hearing him say it caused a deep stirring in me that had my stomach churning, heart pounding and my mind floating. Without a second thought I grabbed his face and crashed my lips onto his. It took him no time to catch on; his hands slid down from my arms to my waist as he roughly pushed me back onto the couch and wasted no time before taking control. My pulse began to gallop at quadruple time, making up for all the beats it had missed while it finally sunk in that this was the moment I had been craving ever since I met those chocolate eyes, caramel skin, soft maple lips, chiseled face and enormous muscles. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than I ever could have imagined. He tasted tentatively with his tongue as I frantically opened my mouth inviting him in to a fiery dance of wild passion between the two, a low moan escaping my lips. His lips traveled down past my chin, collarbone and my neck to my chest and I started to feel breathless in a new way as moisture emanated from my nether region. There was nothing sweet or steady about the kiss. This was something we both wanted-no needed. The urgency in the kiss was unbearable and when his lips abandoned my skin I couldn't help the longing and in-completion that came over me.

"Go get dressed." He ordered delivering a final peck to my lips and then climbing off the couch; taking the Hennessy with him.

"Asshole."

Sooo there's the 9th chapter...lot of stuff going on I know. Welp good news is Riley finally admitted his feelings aaannnddd they kissed! Yaaayyy! Took me a while to write this because, I'm gonna be honest, from the beginning none of this was planned out (except for the main plot). For the past 9 chapters all this has been straight off the top of my head :/ which is probably a bad thing. But, so far so good and I'll see how long I can keep this up lol. And I hope no one took offense to the whole cutting thing and what Riley just so happened to think about it. Now, I'm not gonna lie and say I have nothing against it, but please if there's anyone reading this who cuts please don't there's a better way to deal with your personal issues. Talk to someone, write them down, find something constructive to do just please anything but that. And now it's QUESTION TIME!

-Why does Shantel need to get dressed?

-Where are they going?

-Will Riley renege on his feelings?

-Where is their relationship going from here?

-Did Riley mean what he said or was it the Hennessy talking?

-Wtf is Cindy up to?

That is all for now, bye bye! :)

P.S.-Reviewing is pretty much the only way of showing me that you're actually reading the story and letting me know how to make it more interesting for YOU guys and if it's even worth continuing. If you don't do that then...oh well.

Until next time.

~xXBrokenThoughtsXx