Counterjinx

If I thought that falling asleep next to Tonks was wonderful, it was only because I hadn't properly woken up next to her before then. Tonks' face wore a smile that suggested an overabundance of elatedness. If I hadn't been in the room the previous night, I would have thought she'd had the best shagging of her life, but I had been in the room and no shagging occurred. We made our way down stairs. Tonks wore a pair of my flannel pajamas. She looked just as sexy in PJs as she would in satin lingerie. Sirius feigned being upset, but was rather amused by our shyness when he 'graced' us with his presence the next day.

We had a meeting at Grimmauld Place to contend with that day, so Sirius' would be goading was put off. Mundungus told us that Harry, Ron, Hermione and some other students were forming a Defense League to learn, well Defensive spells. It seemed to be their way to usurp authority from Dolores Umbridge, who was neglecting to teach them the subject she had been hired to teach. The meeting didn't take too long to conduct. Mad-Eye was furious that they would trust so many kids with a secret like that. I assured them that Hermione would have done something to prevent the other students from squealing. It turned out that Dumbledore didn't want us to do anything about their group, just let it unfold. I was going to ask Tonks if she wanted to stay over again, but she ran after Molly as she left. They must have left together because Tonks didn't come by until after work the next day. I didn't ask about her disappearance.

Looking back, I don't know what set off my anti-relationship feelings after having established a quasi-relationship with Tonks. We were comfortable together. Granted, there wasn't any sex and we hadn't said anything about loving one another, but Tonks and I had a flow, a rhythm that made our lives enjoyable. Perhaps it was my sense of contentment and ease that caused me to pull away. I wasn't use to being happy with someone. My self-removal was slow and not something I wanted to which I wanted to draw attention.

Tonks, Sirius and I spent a lot of time together. It was some of the best times I had since being in school. Tonks was always lively and exuberant. She was quite a learner. After the meeting where we learned that Harry and his group of friends set out to teach themselves Defense Against the Dark Arts, Tonks privately voiced that she'd want to be in an environment like that both as a teacher and a learner. She even took an interest in subject matter that was not related to her natural abilities.

"Teach me to bake." Tonks said one lazy afternoon after our unofficial relationship started. "I think it'd be fun." Tonks was grinning rather coyly.

Despite feeling as if she might have a prank up her sleeve, I acquiesced. "Do you have anything particular in mind?" I asked putting an arm around her. Tonks shook her head. I wasn't surprised that she only had a general idea; she was a vague outline person. Then she said that brownies seemed like a nice starting point. "We can do brownies."

Tonks kissed me as she got up. "Sounds like we should be in the kitchen." Tonks winked at me as she left the room.

I got up to follow her out. "Don't you think we should go shopping for the ingredients?" I couldn't help smiling feeling quite amused.

"Don't tell me you keep that wood in your pocket just for looks." Tonks' grin was quite impish. "Or is it there just to impress the ladies?"

"It does have some practical applications." I blushed as Tonks mentioned seeing it in action some day. I didn't know why we weren't having sex. I wanted to, but it felt too intimate, too vulnerable. I knew it was contradictory to want to try and love someone but not do the things people in love do, such as say 'I love you' and intercourse, but it kept my mind at ease. When my mind was unbidden by my preoccupation with my wolfish state, I daydreamed of having a family with Tonks, but those moments were few and far between.

Had we been at Grimmauld Place, Sirius would have a slew of remarks about seeing my 'wand' in action at various times at school. Thankfully we were at Tonks' flat. Tonks was giving me an expectant look, as if I had a cookbook in my vest pocket. I didn't, but I knew the recipe. "We'll need this." I waved my wand and an assortment of ingredients appeared on Tonks' counter. "Do you have a mixing bowl?" I looked around her small kitchen.

"I should have one." Tonks opened a cupboard and rummage around. I thought I heard her mutter something before she pulled out a large bowl. "Will this do?" I had a feeling that she enlarged a regular bowl, but it'd work. I smiled and asked about a cake pan. "Umm." Tonks fidgeted as she thought if there had ever been a pan in her flat. "Yes! I do." Tonks pulled a dusty pan out from under the sink. "ew. Scourgify!"

Making the batter was simple enough. I sat back and watched Tonks mix, measure and stir ingredients together with a dubious look on her face. She seemed doubtful that we would get food from the odd mixture of spices and flour. After the batter was properly mixed and ready to be poured into the pan, she looked at me. "Is that all?"

I stood very close behind her with my head resting on her shoulder. "You should mix it a bit more." Tonks sighed. "Here, I'll help." I reached around Tonks and guided her hand as it stirred the batter. "It helps to do this." I sped up our hands a bit. Tonks' attention waned as our bodies were so close together.

"How do you know it'll taste like brownies? What if it's mud?" Tonks paused, dipping a finger into the bowl. "I think you should," she went to finger feed me some brownie batter but missed my mouth and smeared it on my cheek. Tonks gulped and finished with a quiet "Try it." I laughed and tried to lick the batter off; my tongue didn't quite reach that far. "I'll get it." Tonks pulled me close and firmly licked the batter off my cheek. Oh Merlin.

When she kept licking and moved her mouth towards my neck I asked, "I take it that it doesn't taste like mud." My voice quavered with delight as she made my body tingle in ways that caused me to question the advisability of ending things with her. I was in a pleasure ridden stupor. My hands and mouth caught up with my hormones and reacted to Tonks' teasing tongue with passion.

After several minutes, which felt like years, of bliss, I pulled away with a sudden 'no.' Tonks raised an eyebrow. "You alright, Remus?" Tonk's voice was rather husky as she spoke. I desperately wanted to resume our lecherous snogging, but the way we were going there'd be sex. I didn't care what books said about werewolves and procreation, it just didn't seem like a fruitful idea. None of it seemed like a good idea, actually, but it definitely felt right.

I managed to avoid explaining my true thoughts by saying. "We'll ruin the brownies." Tonks looked around with an expression that told me he didn't care if we ruined every brownie in the world. I smiled tenderly. "You can't ruin your first batch." I kissed Tonks' forehead and explained how we should bake the brownies.

When we arrived at Grimmauld Place with a plate full of brownies, Sirius looked perplexed. He pulled Tonks aside and said in an audible whisper, "I thought 'making brownies' was a euphemism. I didn't think you were really going to make brownies."

Tonks pulled out of his grip and said in an equally audible whisper, "It was a euphemism." Then she lowered her voice slightly. "Someone didn't catch on." I was busying myself in the pantry. I didn't want to hear any details of Sirius and Tonks plotting to get me into bed. I had caught on to her advances as they were rather blunt. I chose not to respond… there was a difference. Part of me was bothered that they thought me sexually ignorant, the other part of me felt relieved for an inexplicable reason.

Hearing that Tonks not only harbored a desire to shag me, but was desperate enough to discuss this with my best friend- her Mum's cousin, made me realize that I had to put a stop to 'us' quickly. It made perfect sense in my head. Just end it before things got messy… before we got in too deep. I was resolute. Sort of.

Working up the nerve to sever my relationship with Tonks was harder than I thought it would be. I began to wonder where the alleged Gryffindor courage was or if I ever possessed said courage. I had a vague idea of what to say. I needed to tell Tonks that it was me, not her, and she needed to know that I was too old, much too old, too dangerous and much too poor for her. I knew she'd argue, I knew she'd be upset, but she'd move on and forget about me. I didn't expect my words to cause so much self-doubt and uncertainty for Tonks. Finally breaking it to her came as smoothly as water surging from a ruptured dam.

My heart sank somewhere around my knees when she whispered, "Every time you say that, I feel like there's something I've done to upset you, or that I've disappointed you in some way." In the moments it took me to analyze the significance of Tonks' statement, I realized that she had feelings for me. I hadn't allowed myself to entertain the thought before, not in depth at least. Well, ok, I had, but I told myself I was being arrogant to think she truly reciprocated those thoughts. She was worried about letting me down; she wanted my approval…my affection.

"It's nothing like that." I said in a hoarse voice. I had to spin this the right way if it were to work. "There's someone out there better for you… and I'm holding you back from that kind of relationship." I realized that I had to go, if I stayed I'd renege my decision. I pulled Tonks into a tight hug saying, "We'll always be friends, I promise." I let go of her, feeling my insides wanting to remain there and spend hours making up for my stubbornness. I fought the desire and went back to Grimmauld Place.

Part of me expected to find Tonks there waiting for me, wand out, ready to curse me. When I found that it was just Sirius there I felt both relief and disappointment. Maybe she was able to shrug me off with the same ease she changed her appearance. Thoughts such as that made her absence easier. However, Sirius' questions about her sudden disappearance made Tonks constantly on my mind.

"Why would she have duty so many days in a row?" Sirius asked after a few days of a Tonks-free house. I didn't want to explain breaking things off with her; I didn't think Sirius would understand. Instead, I said she was probably doing Guard Duty. "She usually comes by, even when she has Duty." Sirius was watching me carefully. "Did you two have a row?"

I stood up, pacing around the room. I couldn't think of a way to answer this without flat-out lying to my best friend. "We aren't together anymore." I said in a low voice. I returned to my seat. "Not that we were really together. I mean, it was just a fling."

Sirius raised his eyebrows; apparently, he wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth. "Why'd she break it off?" I didn't know if I should be upset at his assumption. It's not like I was a horrible lover or completely undesirable, or perhaps he knew something I did not. Did he know that she moved on already? Had she moved on already?

"She didn't. I told her that it wouldn't work between us." I said quietly. Sirius tapped his foot expectantly. I wondered if he was more upset that I broke things off with Tonks, or that I broke things off with a relative of his. "I'm just too old, dangerous, and," I felt a bit superficial saying it, "poor for her."

Sirius snorted derisively. "You really think she cares?" I could see Sirius' temper rising behind his eyes. I kept my tone firm, but even as I told him that I cared about those things. "Do you really think she's riddled with those kinds of superficial thoughts? You need to fix this." Sirius' voice was cold, quite unlike his usual passion-ridden self.

"There's nothing to fix… I told you, it was flawed from the beginning." I knew that if I told myself that enough I'd eventually believe it. I couldn't let myself feel the way I did. I realized that I risked envoking Sirius' anger, even his wrath.

Siruis didn't hesitate in proving me right. "You're being an idiot, Moony!" Sirius' voice was raised, his fists were clenched. I was waiting for him to hit me, but he didn't.

"I can't, it'd be too dangerous for her." My voice was raised slightly; I could feel anger rising up in my chest. I worked at forcing it back down.

"She knows the dangers!" Sirius retorted. "I'd be highly surprised if she hasn't read all the books available on werewolves." I wondered if Tonks had shared her Lycanthropy books with Sirius.

I had half a mind to ask, but I wanted to keep the course. I had a feeling we'd have this argument several times if I didn't squash it right then. "That doesn't make a difference, I'm still too—"

"It's not like it was with you and Farah." I felt another surge of anger. He knew close to nothing about her and our relationship. "She already knows, so she's not going to find out and stay with you out of guilt." Sirius' chest was rising up and down for a moment; he was clearly looking for his next argument. "And you love her! She loves you!"

I was angry. Not so much at Sirius for figuring things out, but at myself for being so openly in love. "All the more reason for me to end things!" I was shouting now. I felt that this argument no longer held room for the reserved behavior I usually displayed.

Sirius pulled out all stops when he slammed his fist against the table, his eyes bulging slightly with a manic expression. "Do you have any idea what I'd give to feel that type of passion again?" I knew it was unfair. I knew that Sirius read sordid smut stories because they caused him to feel, even if it was just lust, it was a feeling. I couldn't think of a response to Sirius, so I muttered that Tonks was still too young for me.

The laughter that met my ears was not jovial but taunting and cruel. "Too young? She doesn't think she's too young. You sure weren't thinking of her age when you were shagging her in your room!" I wanted to punch, curse, strike at Sirius. How dare he? He had crossed that line we was usually so weary of crossing. I stood up, unsure of my action to come. The thread of sense I had left guided me up the stairs and into my room. I could hear Sirius following behind me, at least up to the entryway. When I got to my room, I sat on the bed with my head buried in my hands.

I stayed in my room, expecting to hear Sirius' footsteps on the landing. When they didn't come, I realized it'd be foolish to sit around and wait for him to beg forgiveness. He was a proud man, and hadn't blown up as I did. I decided to seek him out and apologize. I went to his room first. He wasn't there so I made my way to the kitchen. I expected to find him halfway through a bottle of firewhiskey, not consoling Tonks.

I stayed within earshot wishing I had Extendable Ears. Tonks' voice sounded weepy as she asked Sirius if I'd come around. My heart skipped merrily. She hadn't moved on. I felt angry with myself for still wanting her. Tonks needed to move on, it'd be best for her in the long run. Sirius was trying to cheer up Tonks by saying that I'd come around eventually. I felt torn. Part of me wanted to run down there and tell him to stop giving her hope, but most of me wanted to avoid being detected as an eavesdropper.

Tonks didn't linger that night. When I heard her say she had to go, I panicked. I couldn't make it up to my room without running up the stairs and I thought the loud clunking footsteps would be a give away. I hid in the nearest safe haven, the entryway closet. Sirius followed Tonks up the stairs. His eyes met with mine through the open crack in the door. He was suppressing a smirk as he bid goodnight to Tonks. "I might start charging a hiding fee." Sirius said as he opened the door to the closet.

"I wasn't hiding there." I couldn't think of an alternative explanation for squatting in the closet. I stepped out of the cramped closet hoping to appear more dignified than I felt. "I came down to apologize."

"And you were practicing with my shoes?" Sirius offered with a smile. "I understand mate, I went too far. You can't always be the meek and soft-spoke Remus Lupin everyone sees. You might consider shedding some of that meekness around one Nymphadora Tonks though."

Sometimes arguing with Sirius was like arguing with a tape stuck in repeat. "You know I can't." Sirius didn't reply, he merely smiled sadly and went to bed. I wondered how many times I'd row with Sirius before he understood. A small, honest voice inside me said that I wouldn't be able to convince anyone as long as I still loved her. I hated to admit it, but that small voice was right. Too bad there wasn't a counterjinx for love.

A/N: So I want it to be known now that the plot to this story remains unchanged by DH (apart from minor details). So when the end comes and you all wonder how much if it switched around to accommodate DH, the answer will be not enough to make a differenece. Unfortunately, I only confided the entire plot to one other person .