Dirty Chimera Dance
Tonks must have taken heed of Sirius' encouragement. She started coming by just as much as she had when we were 'together.' I didn't mind at all. Tonks didn't mention or allude to our fling (I only say fling because relationship feels too formal, too permanent). She didn't even mention the clumsy way I broke things off with her. It was a slow torture to be around Tonks and not be hers anymore. Even my friendship with her was riddled with lecherous desire and overtones of love.
Nothing in Tonks' behavior indicated a desire to be more than friends. She laughed with Sirius and I, discussed news with us, and occasionally kipped at Grimmauld Place. On those occasions, Sirius would say, rather pointedly, "I'm sure that there's extra room in Remus' bed." Neither Tonks nor I could make eye contact when Sirius made such suggestive comments. I couldn't tell if it was mutual shame or a mutual need to ignore that particular desire.
We soon found out that Tonks and I weren't the only ones holding in desires. Sirius had taken to rereading his adult magazines underlining certain parts. This wouldn't seem out of place at all, but he was doing so out of the privacy of his room. Even stranger, he wasn't aroused while reading. He was going through the magazines like a person studying for an exam. I wondered if they had reading comprehension quizzes in the back. In one of our few private conversations at Grimmauld Place, Tonks and I decided to ask what he was up to. Tonks, being the one best suited for bluntness, brought it up.
"Thinking of writing your own one day?" Tonks asked taking a seat next to Sirius. I sat across the table from him. It was a rare sight indeed to have Sirius so immersed in reading and taking notes that he didn't notice two people approaching.
"Hmm?" Sirius looked around and made an attempt to cover the parchment he had been writing on. "No, I was just…" I grabbed at the parchment; it looked oddly like a letter. "Give that back!" Sirius yelled, his voice cracking slightly.
This had to be good if it made Sirius so edgy. It was a letter. "Padfoot, you can't write to her. What if this 'toomanyhurls' is a Death Eater?" I thrust the letter back to Sirius wishing I had ripped it up instead.
"Her name is toomanycurls." Sirius was scowling at me in a way that reminded me of a caged Grindylow.
"Actually, we don't know her name, and she better not know yours." Tonks interjected. "It is a big risk, Sirius. Assuming she's just a normal person that writes smut, what if people notice an owl flying here on a regular basis. Dumbledore did say to limit the amount of post we sent from here."
"She won't know my name. I'm not as stupid as Snape looks." Sirius looked as if he hoped that throwing in a Snape joke might sway us to his side. While it caused the corners of my mouth to twitch, I remained against him writing this person. "I just want to be in contact with someone—"
"We don't count?" I asked smiling in earnest. I felt a pang of guilt at my words. Sirius was probably jealous of the relationship Tonks and I had. Even though we weren't together, and I was doing my best to ignore the feelings between us It was evident that he yearned for intimacy- the kind of intimacy that a friend cannot bring.
"You two? Don't get me started on you two." Sirius' voice was bitter. "You could have all of the passion and intimacy in the world but you're too thickheaded to reach out and take it while it's right in front of you." This was the first open statement Sirius had made to me (and I'm assuming Tonks) reprimanding us for our non-relationship.
"Don't make Tonks and me the issue here." I said with a bitter voice. "You could go back to Azkaban if she were to find out who you are."
"He has a point though." Tonks said in a reasonable voice. Great. She was a turncoat. "It must be hard to be holed up here, see your best friend with everything you want but unwilling to go for it." Tonks' eyes flashed, but she didn't storm on like I feared she might. "If you're going to write her, we have to be careful about it."
My mouth opened in surprise. "You're going to help him?" I felt slightly betrayed. Tonks and I had been unified in this endeavor.
"Maybe I think he has a point." Tonks' icy voice made my stomach churn. "We just have to help him so he doesn't get himself Kissed."
I sighed realizing that there was no arguing with the two of them. "First thing we'll need is a good moniker." Sirius looked at me his eyes showing his surprise and gratitude. "I think blackheart would be cool."
"Sure, if you want the Dementors to come swarming." Sirius was smiling roguishly as if his quarry were with us in the room. "I want it to sound dashing, charming, romantic and—"
"And have it be a complete misrepresentation?" I interjected. Tonks thumped my shoulder as she was jotting down some ideas.
"You're not helping." She hissed. "Sirius has gone 'round the bend in terms of his romanticism. I don't think it'd be fair to say he's still a dog." Sirius sniggered and Tonks rolled her eyes. "Oh Merlin. I stand up for you and see what it gets me. You could hold your tongue while I'm defending your honor." Tonks was holding in a laugh.
We had quite a laugh writing Sirius' letter. I decided to start it off with an explanation of why he was writing. We weren't sure where to start. I had an idea. Drawing from my feelings for Tonks I said "Your writing makes me feel alive in ways I haven't felt since my youth and stirs emotions I thought had long since died." Sirius and Tonks raised their eyebrows. "It'll make you sound a bit better off than the average degenerate."
Sirius laughed tussling his hair and took the quill. "Then we'll add, 'I don't want you to think that I'm just an average degenerate—"
Tonks laughed shrilly saying, "Because I'm much worse." I let out a loud laugh. Sirius pouted slightly. "Ok, we won't put that in there." Writing the letter reminded me of the night Tonks and I invented the details of our pseudo-relationship. Her creativity seemed to be boundless.
When we finished and Sirius was rewriting everything into his handwriting, I spotted a problem, well, several. "We haven't decided on a name for you to use, Sirius. Not to mention we don't know how we'll mail this off without disobeying Dumbledore."
"The mailing part should be easy." Tonks said fiddling with her sleeve. "I'll morph so I look like," her face scrunched up, "this." She lengthened her hair and made it a nice shade of black. Tonks' face was no longer soft and heart-shaped, but had a masculine sharpness to it. Her shoulders were broader and she was a few inches taller. "Won't become a man just to get your mail, but looking the part helps a bit, incase she tries to spy on Eyelops. I was going to get a Post Box there. I'll put it under the name of…" Tonks paused trying to think of a name.
"Thaddeus Hatcher?" I offered. Sirius raised his eyebrows. Perhaps Thaddeus wasn't cool enough for Captain Suave. "It just popped in my head." I tried not to sound defensive.
"I like it." Tonks announced looking the mirror. "I look like a Thaddeus like this. Oh, well." Tonks caught a glimpse of her chest. "Guess those will have to go for now." As she shrunk her chest I started to wonder what her 'normal' breast size was. I didn't linger on the thought out of trepidation of my lustful thoughts. We eventually settled on Thaddeus Hatcher as Sirius' nom de plume.
Spending afternoons and the occasional evening with Tonks, even if we were always under Sirius' watchful eye, caused a resurgence of feeling for her. I couldn't assuage my feelings for Tonks, no matter how many times I told myself to eliminate them. I felt as if she were a reoccurring dream, the kind that makes the dreamer feel guilty in the morning, but it doesn't stop them from dwelling on it for the rest of the day. As much as I wanted Tonks I had to deny myself. I had a feeling, deep in my gut, that something would go terribly askew if we were together. I lay awake many nights wondering if Tonks experienced the same heartache I did, the same dire need, the same longing.
When Tonks invited herself over under the pretext of watching a meteor shower, my heart quivered with delight. I agreed to have her there after hearing her reasoning. "I'd watch it from my place," she said looking earnest, "But it's too populated. The lights will ruin the show. I'd do it here, but it's just as bad for star-watching as my flat." So, her desire to watch a meteor shower at my house was a need, nothing romantic. Ok, it would have a romantic feel, but that's not how she meant it. I told Tonks that it sounded grand- yes grand.
Sirius spent a good amount of time teasing me about my 'date' with Tonks. I maintained that it wasn't a date; we were merely spending an evening under the stars. "Oh, yeah, and that's practically the antithesis of a date." Sirius yelled after me as I left to make dinner for Tonks and me. Tonks showed up in her usual jeans and a t-shirt getup. I wanted to tell her how stunning she looked, but I knew better. Compliments lead to hugs, hugs to kissing, and, well, I don't think I need to draw a roadmap.
Tonks did a nifty bit of transfiguration and made my patio chair into a nice loveseat from which we could watch the meteor shower. I grabbed a blanket to keep us warm; it was a bit chilly that night. After the shower started Tonks was eager with child-like delight. She and I talked about our favorite constellations during lulls in the meteoric show. Without realizing it, we were snuggled together on Tonk's loveseat. I couldn't tell you if I put my arm around Tonks's shoulder first or if she nuzzled against my chest with a languid smile, it didn't matter. If I were a prodigious wizard, I would have made the stars zoom around the sky all night for several nights just to keep cuddling, but I doubted that Dumbledore could pull off such a feat.
Near the end of the shooting stars, Tonks' gaze fell on me and she whispered, "I miss this." My mind started to race with all of the potential this's she could be referring to. The first one that came to mind was the meteor shower, so I asked if she meant that. Tonks seemed to be frustrated by my clarification but she went on. "I miss there being an 'us.'" As if spurred by the weight of her words a star shot over our heads causing my small patio to light up. Tonks was scrutinizing my face.
"I do too." I admitted. I reached up and rubbed Tonks' cheek gently. The words were forming in my mind 'I love you, Nymphadora.' I was willing myself to say it. "I…" I swallowed hard as my brain started to clamp down on my tongue. I sighed quietly. "I… I think we should go in, the shower is over." I stood up quickly, but not before Tonks' eyes flashed with irritation. Once I was inside I made myself a strong cup of tea hoping that I hadn't ruined a friendship.
Tonks stayed outside for a bit. I debated on going out there and talking to her. I decided that she might want some time alone. When Tonks came in, she was collected but had an icy quality to her voice. She didn't stay very long after thanking me for dinner and for having her over. She was cordial and rather distant. My stomach was uneasy after Tonks left that night. I didn't go back to Grimmauld Place as I told Sirius I would. Naturally, he took that as a sign that we had, well, done the dirty Chimera Dance as they say. I didn't correct his assumption. Letting him think I 'got lucky' was nicer than telling him what a prat I was being.
The next full moon came upon me with a great deal of physical pain. I realized something was wrong the morning of my transformation. I thought I had eaten something foul for dinner. Tonks had cooked us a quiche that smelled a bit odd the night before. When I stumbled into my small house that afternoon, I knew that not even Tonks' cooking could cause my insides to do the elfish jig they had been dancing all day and it definitely could not be to blame for the way that every pore on my body screamed out in agony. I stripped and curled into a ball on my bed barely even noticing when I transformed.
When I heard Tonks' voice come from the doorway I opened my eyes. I was in the livng room without recollection of having gone there. I hear a whimpering sound and realized it was me. I saw a bleary Tonks drop her rucksack and rush towards me. Horror and shock swam behind her eyes. I wanted to brush it off, some how tell her that I was fine and that she should just go home, but that would be difficult to get her to do even as a human. Tonks' voice drifted to me like waves of the ocean drift to the shore. She was asking if I was alright. What did she want me to do? Sign her my answer? Tonks rephrased the question and asked if I had my potion. I thought it was another needless question. Of course I had it, I would have bitten her lovely hand off if I didn't have my potion. The answer seemed to pop in her head. I wondered if she was thinking out loud but phrasing her thoughts as questions.
"Snape." She said in a low whisper. I raised my head slightly. Yes, of course Snape made my potions. Tonks' eyes were darting around as if she was thinking of a way to mend the situation. It occurred to me that she might run off to Hogwarts and hex Snape just for good measure. As that would not help the situation, I made sure to whimper. Her full attention returned to me. The wolf smiled inside of me. Tonks' attention waned as quickly as it came. She darted towards the fire. I didn't want her to go anywhere. I knew she couldn't do anything to ease the pain if she ran off to curse whoever she deemed culpable.
I don't remember many details from that night other than Tonks was with me and that she carried me to bed. All parts of me, even the wolf inside, were in state of anguish that left me extremely vulnerable. I fell into an uneasy sleep next to Tonks. I woke up and she was gone. I told myself that she had be a figment of my imagination, a muse that was sent to me for only a brief time. Thinking that was easier than pondering her absence. I howled in my semi-conscious state. I needed- but I didn't know what I needed. Did I need her touch? Did I need to hear her voice? Was it her presence that I was howling for? I couldn't tell.
Returning to my human form was excruciating this time around. It felt as if my body was hesitant to change into its normal state. I could hear yells of pain in the air. I worried that they belonged to Tonks until it dawned on me that I was the one shrieking. My wails were stifled by Tonks' arms pulling my body close to her. I was still shaking and felt a cold sweat against my skin, but having Tonks so close to me, comforting me injected a lifeline into an otherwise miserable moment. Tonks' touch was gentle as she used a damp towel to cool my body. Her words were as soothing as her touch even though I could hear fear and pain in her voice.
"I have something that will help." Tonks whispered uncorking a bottle. I didn't think to question her about it, which is something I usually did. I even questioned Madame Pomfrey when she gave me medicinal aide. Whatever it was that Tonks gave me caused the sting to leave. I managed to whisper a quiet 'Thank You' and asked where she got the potion. I knew I didn't have anything of use around my house. Tonks' faced arranged into a nonchalant smile. "I'll tell you about it later. You need to rest now." Tonks tucked me into bed much like my mother use to when I was a child. I couldn't remember the last time I had let someone care for me as she was doing.
Tonks hardly left my bedside that entire morning. When she did leave it was to make me some toast, which she sat and made sure I ate all of it saying "You need something in your stomach or this potion will make you sick." I didn't bother disagreeing with Tonks. She had a determined look on her face. When Tonks didn't leave for work I tried to tell her that she needed to be there and that I'd get along alright on my own. She wouldn't hear of leaving. "I sent in an owl to say I'd be out for the rest of the week." Tonks had a kind smile on her lovely face. "I want to make sure you get properly better. Arthur's agreed to take my shift on Friday. He didn't think Molly would mind."
I was beside myself for a few moments, unable to voice the gratitude I felt. "You didn't have to… I mean… this is…" I was annoyed with my inability to string words together. "Thank you, Nymphadora." Tonks face scrunched up but she didn't hiss her usual 'Don't call me Nymphadora.' Tonks shrugged off my thanks saying that it really wasn't a problem and that work had been getting to her lately anyways.
The days I spent in Tonks' care were some of the best sick days I ever had. It wasn't being taken care of that made it memorable but rather the person who was giving the care made it special. I began to run out of reasons for withholding my feelings from Tonks. I couldn't deny my ever-growing love for the woman. Not only had she been sacrificing her few free nights to stay by my side while I was quite unsocial, but she took time from work, time from her duties all just to nurse me to health. Tonks couldn't be considered a graceful person, but she cared for me with an elegance that I hadn't noticed in her before. Her care for me manifested in the way she'd cool my forehead with a damp towel, her furrowed eyebrow as she read books on Wolfsbane and the way she fretted about every morsel of food I consumed. I was the epicenter to her life and I wanted to stay there but I also wanted to flee. It was akin to being in the eye of a storm. My senses told me to go, that nothing good could come from lingering, but I couldn't pull myself away either.
It took a few days for Tonks to leave me alone in the house. She had been adamant that I needed to stay in bed and rest. While she had commented once or twice that a witch could get use to the sight of a wizard like me in bed, she withheld any contact which would be interpreted in a sexual way. Tonks didn't mention she was leaving, or if she had I forgot about it when I woke up from a nap. Dumbledore was sitting in a chair next to my bed. It took me a minute to decide if Tonks had taken into cheering me up and started by impersonating the Headmaster of Hogwarts. Dumbledore's omniscient gaze fell on me and I knew that Tonks, no matter how talented a Metamorphmagus couldn't pull of a look like that.
Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling. "I'm pleased to see that things are coming along." I started to say thanks but he interrupted me. "And that you're getting better." I felt confused. What else would be coming along other than my recovery from a disastrous transformation? "I told Tonks a few months ago that the two of you were a good match." I was suddenly feeling quite warm; this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with my mentor, former employer, friend… with anyone actually. "She seemed to think you would resist the idea. I knew she was right, but I hope that, after seeing her undeterred devotion, you'll have the sense to love her openly."
"This isn't the time for relationships. It wouldn't be prudent for Nymphadora and I to…" The look in Dumbledore's eyes caused my voice to catch in my throat. I couldn't tell if it was sadness or his polite patience. I blinked and tears stung my eyes. I willed them to go away; I could only hope that I looked to be in enough pain to cry. I realized he wasn't buying my façade of an argument anymore than I was. "I don't…" I took in a deep breath. "I don't deserve her. She's the sun and I'm the darkest crevasse in the deepest pit. There's nothing for her in me." I blamed my spurt of honesty on the potion Tonks had me on. My tongue was unnaturally loose and I loathed it for revealing so much.
When Dumbledore spoke, it sounded as if I said everything he expected me to say. "Relationships never come at a good time because if we are preoccupied finding that elusive moment where relations with another person make sense, it will have come and gone and our chance will be lost." Dumbledore paused for a moment to let his words sink in. "Love is a mysterious force. Many people feel inadequate when they are confronted by it. Love isn't the qualms you may have about being loved but rather that Nymphadora sees your redeemable qualities along with your less agreeable ones and chooses to love all of that." Dumbledore paused a second time, this time smiling. "The love a woman spurred to into Snape's bedroom in the still of the night, dressed in little more than her pajamas, threaten him at wand-point, and leave with a remedy cannot be easily doubted."
I had a feeling that Dumbledore could have lectured me well into the night on love, but Tonks stumbled in. She wore a surprised look on her face. Dumbledore fished a bottle out of his pocket and told Tonks it'd help me feel better. I tried to listen in to see if he was going to divulge our conversation. It seemed that he merely complimented her nursing skills and bid his leave. I felt oddly naked and exposed though I was fully clothed. Dumbledore had a knack for knowing the going-ons at his castle. I was taken aback by his brief account of Tonks' trip to Hogwarts. I knew that she hadn't gone there to prove herself to me, but she had put herself into danger. Order member or not, Snape had a nasty temper, especially when woken in the middle of the night. I couldn't ignore my heart any more, not after Dumbledore's words. I had to reattempt that which I frivolously tossed out. I could only hope that Tonks remained receptive to my wolfish advances.