I had to pinch myself the next morning to make sure I wasn't dreaming the euphoria I felt. I was engulfed in Tonks' warm arms and her breath pleasantly tickled my skin. It was with a jolt I realized I forgot something, something quite significant. In our...exuberance the night before, I neglected to tell my Nymphadora the one thing that I had yearned to tell her for what seemed like my entire life. Those three infinitesimal words that carried such profound meaning in relationships. I needed to tell Tonks that I loved her. I couldn't believe I had skipped such an essential step in love-making.
I felt as if I had mucked up a work of art, I was making a lemon meringue pie and left out the lemons. Tonks didn't seem to notice the absence of my confession of undying love. It occurred to me that she was most likely use to not hearing that in a romantic setting and might find it weird if I combine the two. I was set and determined to tell her though... I had to.
From an outsider's perspective, Tonks and I acted the same as we had before we ventured into a sexual relationship. I didn't fancy everyone knowing our relationship. I wasn't ashamed, I just felt it prudent to keep private matters private. It did seem that Dumbledore was privy to the new development in the ever-thickening plot between Tonks and I. He asked us to escort Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny to Hogwarts on the Knight Bus. I guessed that Dumbledore wanted to put Tonks and I together as much as he could. I didn't object to Dumbledore making time for us to spend together. I decided to use the long bus ride back to London to talk to Tonks and perhaps tell her of my un-quenchable love for her.
When Tonks and I arrived at Grimmauld Place the morning we were to return the kids to Hogwards, Sirius was in a foul state. I approached my old friend cautiously. "Padfoot?" I said in a low voice. Tonks remained at my shoulder as I made my query. "Everything alright?"
Sirius glanced up from the cup of tea he had been glaring at. "Dumbledore wants Harry to learn Occlumency." He said the word as if it were a bitter tasting potion. An explanation for his rancid tone came when he added, "Snape is teaching him."
Tonks let out a low whistle and asked the question that had been floating through my mind. "Why does Dumbledore want him to do that?" Her voice was low. I thought perhaps she found the information to be grave. Then I remembered how well voices carried out of the kitchen.
Sirius opened his mouth to respond to Tonks' question when Molly bustled in saying "Buck up, Sirius. Your row with Severus wasn't enough to get this bent out of shape." Sirius shot a scornful look. She was quite unconcerned with his mood. Molly had expressed on more than one occasion that Sirius' temper tantrums only added to the gloomy atmosphere of the house.
"What do you mean, they rowed?" I asked feeling slightly alarmed. Sirius' mood had been unstable and Snape had a knack for prodding Sirius' sore spots.
"I don't know all the details, but when we walked in they were looking daggers and had each other at wand point." Molly's voice was low as we could hear movement from upstairs.
Tonks was looking at all of our faces. She seemed bemused by the severity of the situations. "So they had words. They're both grown Wizards..." her voice trailed off as we heard a group coming down the stairs. Tonks lowered her voice even further as she said, "Don't let that git have the pleasure of upsetting you like this." Sirius looked as if he wanted to retort and insist he wasn't upset and that Snape had not gotten to him, as that was his usual remark when Snape upset him, but he dared not say anything in front of the kids. We dropped the conversation under Harry's keen eye.
Rounding up six teenagers, getting them on the Knight Bus, escorting them to Hogsmeade and seeing them off safely was a cake walk compared to getting a chance to drench Tonks in an outpouring of emotions. We were both a bit out of sorts after seeing Sirius so upset. I could tell by the few times our eyes had met that morning in Grimmauld Place that we both wanted to discuss Occulmency and Sirius' deteriorating temperament, but I had my own agenda for our time together that afternoon. After waving goodbye to all of the kids and wishing them a good term, Tonks and I climbed back on the Knight Bus. I steered us to a deserted section of the bus. Tonks pondered if the kids would be alright at school. Feeling quite distracted by what I wanted to say, I idly assured her that they would be perfectly fine.
Finally working up the nerve, I took in a quick breath and said, "I need to talk to you about something important, Nymphadora." A look crossed Tonks' face. I wasn't sure if it was aggravation at the use of her first name or trepidation for the unknown conversation to come. I had started off my 'we need to stop seeing each other' talks this way in the past. I smiled hoping to comfort her meanwhile making a mental note to work on my phrasing for positive conversations. I took Tonks' small hand in mine and said, "You make me feel alive in ways that I haven't felt in ages, if ever." I let out a nervous laugh. "I don't know if I could live without your smile to brighten my day..." I paused, hoping that this wouldn't push the limits of saccharine behavior. "My heart skips a few beats when your eyes light up with excitement."
My next sentence was interrupted by the Knight Bus which took a sharp turn knocking us into one another. I took this as a sign to get a move on. "I should have said this much sooner than I'm saying it..." I glanced around to ensure our privacy. "I..." the words seemed caught in my throat. "I--"
WHAM! The Knight Bus served violently knocking Tonks onto the floor. In a cascade of luggage, her nose appeared to be broken. I pulled my wand out and knelt next to her. Tonks' face was covered in blood and yet she was looking up at me with those bright eyes of hers. "What were you saying?" she asked as if we had merely paused for a moment by a benign event. "Please, tell me." Tonks looked hopefully up at me. I thought she knew what I was about to say and perhaps had been expecting me to say it for some time.
"I love you, Nymphadora." I said in the most romantic voice I could muster while watching Tonks' nose bleed freely. "Please, let me fix your nose." I said it without thinking. I realized it must have sounded rather lame to say, but I didn't let that deter me from putting my wand to her nose and saying "Episkey."
Tonks' nose stopped bleeding. She let out a sigh that flecked my robes in blood. "Oh Remus, I love you so much." In an attempt to hug me, Tonks knocked both of us over. Our ordeal caught the attention of the conductor, Stan Shunpike, who made his way over to us to tell us off for our behavior. Tonks icily told him, "We wouldn't be on the floor if this blasted bus hadn't served hard enough to knock Azkaban from its foundation." Stan backed off after taking in Tonks' bloody face.
"Let me clean up your face a bit, Tonks." I said pulling her closer to me. "You look a mess." Tonks sat down to avoid any more falling incidents and let me siphon the mess from her face and robes. I couldn't have imagined a less romantic sounding string of events, but Tonks sat next to me in a complacent matter with her head resting comfortably against my shoulder. I supposed than any romantic scenario with Tonks would include some sort of trip up. At least we wouldn't be dull sounding.
The romantic flirty bubble that had formed between Tonks and I that afternoon was popped by an unstable and nearly deranged Sirius. We were laughing merrily when we walked into the room in which Sirius had secluded himself. Sirius' eyes snapped onto us like a bludger to its target. He seemed to take offense to our good mood. "What, did you guys run off and elope?" Sirius spat waspishly. The grin that had been fixed on my face slipped into a concerned frown. "You do realize this means you'll have to shag her, don't you?" Sirius' voice had the unmistakable ring of a person trying to strike as low as one could reach. "Whatever you were up to, it was probably more fun than I've had in the past year." I stood in stunned shock as Sirius wept into his hands. In all my years as his friend, I hadn't seen him break down so severely. He had been on a breaking point for quite some time, but this was something else.
Tonks approached Sirius first. She hadn't known the always calm and collected Sirius Black from school. She was talking to him in a low consoling voice. It didn't take her Auror training to see that her words were having little to no effect on Sirius. She looked up at me for help.
I decided that my usual soft-spoken words of solace would not suffice. "Padfoot, mate, this won't last forever." I sighed deeply. "The Ministry is bound to take their head our of their arse and smell the roses before too long."
My words only angered Sirius further. He smashed his hand on the table and right onto a glass figurine. Tonks gasped as did I. She took his hand and stopped the bleeding using the spell I had used on her nose that afternoon. In a different scenario, I would have remarked how quickly she picked up the spell, but I thought it best to keep that thought to myself for the moment. I returned my attention to Sirius by pulling him out of the chair and leading him downstairs.
Sirius' voice shook slightly as he spoke. "You know, that git," I didn't need clarification as to who the git was, "That git will be teaching Harry for the rest of the year... He's going to use it as a reason to torment him! As if his abysmal classes weren't enough time for him to make him miserable... Mr. 'I do my part of the Order' doesn't need anything else to inflate that greasy head of his."
"Is that what you two argued about?" Tonks said quietly. "His work for the Order?" She was sipping on some tea looking rather forlorn.
"He said I don't have any use... no purpose. Well, other than giving up this house." He looked around the kitchen with a hateful look. "I don't give a hippogriff's wing what he thinks... but, he's right. I'm not of any use anymore. I can't go out and do anything." Sirius looked on the verge of reckless abandonment.
"The thing is," I paused to think out my words. "None of us are really doing anything. Tonks is going about her work as usual. I don't think any of us had any 'special mission' or secret life... other than Snape. And that's only because he was dim-witted enough to get a Mark burned into his arm." Sirius looked slightly cheered at his. "You are at the center of the action... and there isn't a lot of action at the moment. Besides, old Snivelley would give his monthly shower to rile you up."
Sirius broke into a smile. "Please, I can't think of him showering, I'd like to eat again this century." Sirius' laugh rang out and marked a change in the mood for that night. If Tonks and I thought we had a handle on Sirius' mood swings and outbursts, we were terribly mistaken.
It was Kingsley's patronus that alerted us to the mass breakout from Azkaban on that otherwise enjoyable night less than a fortnight later. Then it was the sound of a vase crashing against a wall that woke Tonks and me up from our stunned silence. Sirius was wrenching himself out of a chair. "I'll show the bleeding Ministry who's rallying who!" Sirius had his wand out. Tonks' eyes widened as sparks flew out of its end. I reacted on instinct and pulled Sirius into a rough hold. It could almost be called a hug if I wasn't trying to prevent him from charging out of the house in his temper.
"Padfoot, mate... what good will it do to run out of here and get yourself Kissed?" I shook him slightly. "You don't want that. You need to be here... be here for Harry." I knew it was a bit of a low blow, but I hoped it would ground him slightly. Harry was Sirius' one tender spot, after all. Sirius' chest was heaving in a constrained manner. I glanced over my shoulder to see Tonks' frozen in a stunned stupor.
Tonks' came to her sense and approached Sirius. "If anything... this will eventually prove that you are in fact not Death Eater..." Sirius eyes' met hers and his breathing slowed slightly. Unfortunately, it was left up to me to carry this argument to its fruition. Tonks was called into work and did not return for what felt like several days. Sirius was in the thick of Order news passing. He enjoyed the increase in his involvement, but I could see that he took his role grudgingly.
It was in one of our late nights without Tonks that I was reminded of my strange encounter with Moody over Christmas. We were finishing up my Potion for the month. Tonks had spent quite a lot of time fretting over its brewing. Sirius and I were merely 'minding the fire' in her absence. "I think Moody likes her." I said out of the blue.
Sirius looked up from the notes he was reading and raised his eyebrows. "Nymphadora?" He asked with a tone of surprise. I nodded. "You're off your bleeding broom!" He said with a bark of laughter. We sat in silence for several minutes. The only sounds that penetrated the night were Sirius' occasional chuckle with a dubious shake of his head and the gurgling of the potion. "I just don't see Moody as the type of guy to get a 'crush' on someone he's barely spent time with. It's like you said, they weren't in the Ministry together."
I debated whether I should tell Sirius about Moody cornering me at St. Mungo's. I decided against it. It made sense that he would feel a sort of fatherly affection towards Tonks. I muttered in agreement to squash the topic. I felt guilt seeping into me like toxic fumes from an inescapable swamp. Something of that toxic fume called guilt resonated through the next week. Tonks picked up on it while we were at my place shortly before my transformation. In a twisted way, I was thankful that she thought I was having second thoughts about us. Second thoughts seemed better than thinking she had a relationship with someone who was well into his career when her parents were finishing up at Hogwarts. I could tell it stung Tonks to think I was rethinking our relationship. It made me wonder if all my doubt and suspicion was a subconscious attempt at finding reasons to end our courtship. Reasons to end our otherwise blissful relationship seemed to creep in our lives in the most unexpected ways.
I'm not sure if I've quite described what Tonks did to me. She was the most beautiful women I had ever encountered. Her quirks and off-beat nature only endured her to me even more. She could light my fire just be walking in a room. Around certain times of the month, she would have such a hold over me that one might suspect her to have cast some sort of enchantment on me. Tonks knew that she could enchant me with the smallest of kisses or most delicate touch. Her power over me increased manyfold around the full moon. After this particular full moon Tonks and I spent some extra time together in bed which caused her to be a bit late for work. I could have ignored my wolfish need that morning, but I chose to be reckless. Neither of us thought her tardiness would go noticed. I certainly wasn't expecting an owl from Kingsley midday saying that Tonks had been questioned by Rufus Scrimgeour. I was appalled when his letter stated that she was not brought in for her slight tardiness (as I had first though upon first glancing at the letter). The majority of her questioning was in regards to her relationship with me.
I had to end things, I knew it. I went to Tonks' flat and waited for her trying to piece together the right way of saying what was on my mind. I had no right to be with her if it could ruin her career and her work for the Order. Surely she would understand. My stomach churned relentlessly as I waited for Tonks to turn the door handle and enter her flat.
After a few hours of waiting, I heard her in the hall when she tripped and knocked over the neighbor's rubbish bin. I held my breath as the door creaked open. I was halfway out of my seat when Tonks said, "Kingsley told you then?" Her voice was timid but carried a resolute tone. I wondered for a moment if she were planning to break things up with me.
I was sorely mistaken. My Nymphadora was stubbornly opposed to us breaking up over Ministry idiocy. I felt a pang as I looked into her magnificent eyes and saw them well with pain at my suggestion. I couldn't bring myself to be resolute and break up with her... not when she was so set against it. I held Tonks for quite a while that night. I could feel her ease up while in my embrace. Later that evening, after the dust had settled, Tonks showed me a few pictures that they had in her file.
I was flabbergasted to see them. From the range of scenes, they had been following us for quite some time. I asked for one where we were in the Hall of Knowledge together. I said, more to myself than to Tonks that I was very aroused when that picture was taken. Tonks snorted with laughter. I supposed that it was more like Sirius to make that kind of announcement.
It was with great displeasure I learned that Sirius and Tonks had been in contact with the 'adult fiction' author. I could see why they were keen to keep that information from me after I came across and read one of the letters. She was very interested in Sirius. I thought it was suspicious. "She's just a pen-friend!" Sirius said in a rather aggressive way after I confronted him with letter. I held off on saying anything until Tonks had duty. I hoped that getting in an argument with Sirius would distract me from worrying about Tonks and her absence would give him a lesser edge than he'd have with her as his ally.
"A pen-friend? Do you usually ask pen-friends about their romantic plans for..." I glanced at the letter again. "For Valentine's day?" I gasped and swore under my breath. I hadn't done anything for Valentine's day in quite a few years and didn't realize it was approaching.
Sirius jumped on the opportunity to turn the conversation elsewhere. "Forgotten about it have you? I don't think that'll fly too well with dear 'Dora." Sirius gave a heavy sigh and nonchalantly took the letter out of my limp hand. "Have any Plans Romeo?"
I stood up and started to pace the room. "I... this is..." I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the weight of the approaching romantic holiday. Sirius sniggered at my loss of words. "Oh, shut it Don Juan. Just because you've only celebrated it as..." I probed for words. "The International Day of Shagging, doesn't mean the rest of the world must carry on as you."
"International Day of Shagging?" Sirius chortled quietly. "I'll have to use that one..." I gave him a sharp look. "Oi! No sense trying to Avarda Kedarva me with your eyes, Moony. It was funny... but, you're right. We should focus at the task at hand... how to help you woo Ms. Tonks." I laughed begrudgingly. Sirius was acting as if we were embarking to charge a windmill on horseback. Despite his off-balanced demeanor, Sirius was an invaluable aid in pulling off a wonderful Valentine's Day.