"It's been so long" I told Sirius as we planned my romantic Valentine's Day with Tonks. It had been years that felt like a lifetime since I tried my hand at this level of romance.
"You have everything you need." Sirius raised his hand to count. "A girl, an idea, time, and an incredibly helpful mate who will help you pull everything together." Sirius was always over-confident when it came to exams and other measures of ability. He tended to pass these things with little effort. Naturally he saw a Valentine's Day with him as the co-author being an immediate success.
Contrary to my anxiety, I did manage a normal, romantic love-filled Valentine's Day. Sirius helped me serenade Tonks and was quite happy to redecorate the kitchen to look like a café. The rest of the day was in my own hands. We went to the zoo together. It was one of the best days I'd spent with her. We made faces at the monkeys, walked like penguins, and debated whether the zebra was white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
After Valentine's Day, Sirius asked for details of our date. He was disappointed we didn't try imitating the lions who were shagging in their exhibit but was glad that we had an exception outing together. It seemed that hearing about our romantic outing caused Sirius to reignite his longing to connect romantically with the trashy author he wrote in the fall.
"You can't be the only one with someone in his life, Moony." Sirius was sitting at the table with a quill in hand and a mostly blank parchment in front of him. "I need more than friends and a godson."
I could tell it would be a challenge to talk Sirius off this particular ledge. I decided to start by acknowledging his feelings. "It can't be easy to see the people closest to you in…" I was trying to think of what would describe the exact connection Sirius was missing out on.
"Love?" Sirius offered raising an eyebrow. "Bed together? A relationship?" I was slightly surprised at Sirius' ranking of love over all other voids in his life.
I could see that a different approach was needed. "You're still in your prime. There's –"
"Prime? Remus, I spent my prime years wasting away in Azkaban!" Sirius' voice was raised as was his temper. "I escaped that hell just to land in a ceaseless prison of hiding out while my life slips away."
"Your life is not slipping away. This" I indicated the room we were in. "This is just a temporary confinement. You will not be stuck here for the rest of your life." I poured Sirius a drink and one for myself. "In a few months Voldemort will reveal himself and people will know you're not on his side."
"He practically flashed the entire wizarding world! The bloody breakout wasn't the most subtle feat." Sirius' tone moved from bitter anger to sneering sarcasm. It was a move in the right direction at least.
Tonks walked in at that point. "Making plans to flash people?" She had been on Guard Duty. "You might want to freshen up before. Just for the maximum impact. You've been a bit Mundungus-stale lately." Tonks' half-smile was alluring. Sirius caught my admiring gaze and left the room in a huff. "…did I interrupt something?" Tonks asked unsure of herself.
"Just a lonely heart." I said with a slight smile. I felt selfish parading my feelings for Nymphadora in front of my friend who needed affection.
Sirius started to drink his feelings away. The result was fewer outburst and schemes to communicate with strangers hoping for a personal connection. There were nights that he just sat in his comfy chair with a drink in hand. Attempts to cheer Sirius up were met with a drunken glare. Tonks could see that my friend's demeanor created a great deal of angst for me. She suggested getting out of the house for a night (after Sirius passed out of course).
We ended up taking a stroll near Big Ben. There weren't many stores or restaurants open but it was nice to be out of the house. Tonks could see that my mind was still on Sirius. "Don't feel guilty about leaving Sirius alone in the house. He's sound asleep."
"It's not leaving him… I'm living the experiences and enjoying the parts of life that he's missing so desperately." I sighed deeply and leaned against a wall. Looking around I could see Westminster Abbey just across the street.
"Remus," Nymphadora sounded stern. "You can't live your life based on what other people do or do not have in theirs." I opened my mouth to counter but she preempted me. "It's not selfish. You've watched all your friends experience love and relationships before and were never begrudged them happiness."
I squeezed Tonks' hand. "You're right. I can't live less – " I stopped abruptly. There had been a rustle on the other side of the wall I was leaning against. "Did you hear that?" Tonks' cocked her head to one side listening.
"No, but maybe we should go." She headed toward a group of trees that we could use for cover to disapperate.
We were halfway between the wall and the trees when I saw a person who looked vaguely familiar. "Run." I whispered. I didn't want to wait to find out but it looked like Dolohov. Our increased speed caused Dolohov to take his wand out. "Protego" I managed before he could get his jinx out. That gave us time to reach the trees and safely make it near number 12.
Nymphadora was nearly out of breath when we reached the alley we used to apparate near Grimmauld Place. I went to embrace her but she held up her hand. "Let's get back before we celebrate." While we knew the protection on headquarters would stop people from following us into the building, our path back was convoluted enough to make it hard to find the approximate location as well.
That night I counted myself fortunate. Dolohov was renowned for capturing and killing his prey. I was lying in bed, unable to sleep. My mind was racing while through possible explanations for the encounter. Were Tonks and me worth following? How did he know where we happened to go? We only briefly discussed our destination before leaving. Then it hit me; they were in the area to track down this house. I jumped out of bed.
"Is it morning already?" Tonks said sleepily. She looked at me rather blearily. I was at the desk in our room looking for a parchment and quill. "I thought you were going to tell Duuuuuubledore." Nymphadora yawned spectacularly mid-word.
"This can't wait. I think they're stationed in the neighborhood." I scribbled out a note to Dumbledore and took a moment to re-read the message. "He needs to know right away." Tonks was sitting up in bed with her knees up to her chest. I could see from the look on her face that the run-in with Dolohov seemed a random coincidence until this point. I sealed the letter and tapped it with my wand. It disappeared leaving a faint outline where it had been. I crawled back into bed and held Nymphadora closely. "Don't worry; we're safe here."
Sirius wasn't surprised when we told him about Death Eater activity in the area. It seemed odd to me that they thought of Grimmauld Place as a worthwhile location to stalk. Sirius guessed they were running him to ground. His cousins would know the general area for the house after all. Dumbledore advised caution when leaving the house and insisted that the Order start apparating to the area at various locations rather than find and pick a favorite spot as Tonks and I had done.
Our heightened sense of worry was amplified when we got wind of Harry's interview at the Quibbler. Tonks brought news of it from the Auror's office where there was a buzz regarding his story of Voldemort's return. An Order meeting was called that evening to go over a response strategy. It was our first Order meeting in quite a while. People had been communicating updates to Dumbledore rather than in a face-to-face meeting. This update warranted having Grimmauld Place filled with Order members.
Wanting to keep my behavior discreet, I sat apart from Tonks during the meeting. I didn't want to drag a romance into our resistance against Voldemort. Nymphadora saw my distance in front of our peers as a slight against our relationship. Explaining myself was difficult.
"Are you ashamed to be with me?" Nymphadora asked that night. She had tears in her eyes.
I thought back on my actions during the meeting. I had treated Tonks like an acquaintance. Not my partner, lover, friend. I knew what was behind my behavior. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to have a public relationship." I lied. Telling Nymphadora that I still struggled to justify myself seemed like it would have hurt more. I was wrong.
"So you're fine shagging me or going out in the Muggle world but can't hold it together when we're in front of our friends and colleagues?" Her anger was palpable and quite justified.
I tried an explanation closer to the truth. "I didn't think it was prudent to show, well, we're in a fight against Voldemort. I thought openness our relationship would distract from what we're trying to do." I stopped trying to explain myself at this point. I could tell I wasn't going to un-dig the hole I was in.
"Remus, we're either together or not. I don't care if the entire world knows we're together; much less the Order." More tears splashed down Nymphadora's face. Guilt and shame flooded my heart.
"I'm so sorry." I wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to sensible relationships." The look on Tonks' face clearly said she agreed. "I love you." I said gently kissing her cheek.
I found myself, again, grateful for the unwavering devotion from Tonks. I tried to make it up to her by lunching with her outside the Ministry one afternoon. The gesture went leagues with her. Walking Nymphadora back to her desk did not go as well as our lunch. While I hadn't been to the Auror level of the Ministry before, I seemed to hold a level of infamy there. Heads turned while we walked by. I ignored the looks (some of curiosity, some of ill-disguised disapproval).
Dawlish was standing near Tonks' cubicle. He seemed to ignore us until I walked past him on the way out. "You're getting too cocky, wolf." I didn't respond or indicate that I heard his taunt. I was in the elevator when a hand stopped the door from closing. Dawlish's squat face appeared between the reopening doors. "Thought I'd walk you out." He said with a sneer.
"I know the way, but you're welcome to join me for the elevator ride." I said cordially. I had a hand on my wand incase Dawlish tried something stupid. I wasn't sure if I could even defend myself. Being a werewolf made it hard to justify simple defensive actions. One step out of line and I could end up in Azkaban.
My stomach tightened with dread as Dawlish hit a button to stop the elevator in-between floors. "I don't know who you think you are, wolf, but if I were you I wouldn't flaunt your relationship with Tonksy." I grimaced at his pet-name for Nymphadora. "Once you're out of the way, I have plans for me and Tonksy."
Keeping my face impassive I managed to ask "Am I going somewhere?" Dawlish laughed deeply and pulled his wand out of a pocket. I was weighing the risk of defending myself when a maintenance person apparated into the elevator. I could have hugged the stranger in blue robes. Dawlish seemed less than pleased regarding the interruption.
"Cattermole." He grunted with an annoyed look on his face. "Don't you have anything better to do right now?" The wizard, Cattermole, was reaching into his robes and pulled out a wand. Dawlish was eyeing his movement wearily.
"Just fixing the elevator." A bit unaware of the tension between Dawlish and myself, Cattermole crouched to examine the elevator panel. "Looks like the stop button got hit. Easily fixed." With a wave of his wand, the elevator continued to the Atrium. When the door opened, I briskly walked out and thanked Dawlish for kindly escorting me out. I turned on my heel and left as fast as I could without running.
I overlooked mentioning the incident to Tonks. She had been so pleased by our lunch together that it seemed unfair to worry her with the actions of her smitten coworker. I did, however, tell Sirius about the event.
"Tell me why it is that this bloke isn't covered in hex marks?" Sirius had his feet up and a drink in his hand. He enjoyed hearing about my brush with danger but found the story anticlimactic.
"You don't get it." I was trying to keep bitterness out of my tone. "A werewolf's actions are usually assumed to have the worst meanings. Dawlish could have turned the story into me luring him onto the elevator and attacking him. My word gets me about as far as Hagrid on a broom." Sirius smirked and let the subject drop.
When my birthday rolled around I was surprised and delighted at the day Nymphadora planned for me. She kept an air of mystery about her by telling me to meet her at her flat as she left for work. Her departure was quite earlier than usual. Part of me wondered if she was able to keep secrets.
I got to her flat at the time she specified and smelled food cooking. I looked around the hallway wondering which of her neighbors were home having dinner. When Tonks' door opened I was hit with a waft of the food I smelled from the hallway. "You cooked dinner?" I hoped that my voice hid the uncertainty I felt at the idea.
Nymphadora kissed me before permitting me entrance. "I'm more than a two-trick horse." The smile curving her lips was devious. "I did get some help." I felt relief wash over me. "Molly gave me some lessons." Suddenly a home cooked dinner sounded wonderful.
After what turned out to be a quite good dinner, Tonks gave me a book I had been eyeing for some time. I was surprised she remembered as it had been a few months since we were at Flourish and Blotts together. Our passion ensued that night. For not the first or last time I felt the need to consume as much of Nymphadora as I could. I was lucky to have her and I knew I'd have to make some luck to keep her.