We were five grown wizards waiting for the lift. In other circumstances we might have chatted through the wait. None of us knew who or what awaited us in the Department of Mysteries. Then I realized that none of us knew exactly where to go. "Moody, how will we find Harry and the others when we get down there?"

Moody didn't turn towards me; I got the feeling that his magical eye was on me though. "Should be easy enough to find. Best if I lead the search." We followed Moody off the elevator. Kingsley trailed behind us to ensure we weren't followed.

We found the fighting in a short amount of time considering the apparent size of the department. Moody burst through a door that led in the Ministry death chamber. Tonks was first to get a jinx off. Her stunning spell hit Lucius Malfoy in the arm. Some of my fear for her safety ebbed away. I knew she'd be safe.

I started to make my way down to Harry and Neville. Curses were flying right, left, and center. It took my all my agility and best spellwork to fend my way down the steps. The Death Eaters were fighting to kill as were members of the order. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mad-Eye on the ground. Dolohov managed to subdue Moody and was making his way toward Harry. I couldn't leave my duel with Rodolphus to go to his aide. Sirius made it to Harry just in time to rescue Harry from Dolohov.

Moments later I saw a familiar shade of pink flying through the air. Tonks was on the ground near the dais. My heart stopped but I kept fighting. Rabastan joined his brother in the duel against me. My eyes flicked up to where Tonks had been fighting and saw Bellatrix running down the stairs with an evil glint in her eyes. Sirius started to shoot curses at Bellatrix. They circled the archway on the dais. Both hurling curses and insults back and forth with a deep-seated hatred.

I saw Malfoy's blonde head rush past me toward Harry. With two people down and the other two entrenched in duels, I had to go to Harry and Neville. With a well-placed stinging hex and an impediment jinx, I was able to leave the Lestrange brothers. I jumped between Malfoy and his prey. The protection charm I put up gave me enough time to tell Harry to leave. He took Neville and slowly made his way up toward a room to the side. I assumed that's where the other students were.

Malfoy got my attention again as a jet of red light flew past my ear. We only faced-off for a few minutes before Malfoy's eyes widened in fear and another Death Eater shouted that Dumbledore was there. The only Death Eater who was either unaware or unconcerned with this information was Bellatrix. She and Sirius continued their duel until…

Harry ran past me, hitting me in the shoulder, apparently unaware of his surroundings. My eyes followed his path and saw Sirius being hit in the chest with a curse. Not the killing curse – but what should have been relief turned to horror as I watched my best mate slowly fall into the veil. A part of my life was over. Gone were the days of Padfoot and Moony – the two canines from our group of Marauders.

Harry's jarring yell for Sirius brought me back the moment. My eyes darted from left to right. I caught another glimpse of Tonks on the ground, unconscious. I looked towards Harry who was trying to reach for the deadly veil. I lunged towards Harry, grabbing him around the chest. Restraining Harry was difficult. I tried to tell him that Sirius was gone. Harry struggled until something of the truth resonated with him.

I relaxed my grip on Harry as he calmed down. The hallow feeling that was engulfing me must have started in on him. Neville was trying to talk to Harry but was struggling to keep steady. I lifted the jinx from Neville to his apparent relief. With an effort I turned my attention to the other students… Ron, Hermione, and others. I swept the room for signs of other students and saw Tonks, still on the floor. Moody was attempting to revive her. My heart sank lower.

Neville was trying to tell me where the others were when a bang caught my attention. Bellatrix was on her way out of the room. Harry ran after her before I could tighten my grip on him. My yells after Harry were not heeded. He was after revenge. Dumbledore looked to Kingsley and I saying "Kingsley, take care of Alastor and Nymphadora. Remus, find the other students."

It was against my every desire to leave the room where Tonks was hurt and in need. I exchanged glances with Kingsley in which I saw that he understood my concern for her. "Neville, please take me to the others." I said turning toward the door he had indicated previously. Retrieving the four students from their place of safety was a perfunctory task. I cared about my former students but I needed to see that Tonks would be well.

"He chased after Bellatrix Lestrange." Neville told Ginny, Ron, and Luna. Hermione was unconscious and on a stretcher I conjured. "Don't worry, Dumbledore followed after Harry. He'll be okay." I was glad that Neville was conversing with the others. I didn't think I could contemplate Harry's wellbeing while grief for Sirius was slowly drowning me.

Ginny asked how everyone else was. It seemed that my presence alerted her to a larger group from the Order coming to the Ministry. I took in a deep breath as we made our way to the room where the Death Eaters were bound. "Moody was hurt but he's moving around. Tonks… she was hurt too. I don't know how she is now." I closed my eyes, trying to steady my voice. "Sirius is dead." I heard a sniffle from Ginny.

We made it back to where Kingsley and Mad-Eye were keeping an eye on Tonks. She was drifting in and out of consciousness. Kingsley took over leading the students out of danger. I heard him greet someone at the door. I knelt next to Tonks' stretcher taking her hand in mine. I didn't take my eyes off Nymphadora until Moody nudged me. Dawlish and another Auror were surveying the room; a sneer was clearly visible when he looked at me so close to Tonks.

The Mediwizards were soon on the scene and insisted we all go to St. Mungo's. Tonks was awake enough to object but not coherent enough to gain credibility to her claim of being well enough to take care of herself. "I should let her parents know." I said to the healer and Moody. Neither of them objected so I apparated to Ted and Andromoda's house.

I didn't know if it was the hour or my appearance that alerted Ted to dire circumstance. His first words to me were "What has happened to 'Dora?" He let me in and called for his wife. Tonks' parents patiently listed to my explanation that Tonks was injured, her involvement with the Order, and Sirius' death. I should have cleared sharing all of this with Dumbledore but it seemed superfluous to invent a lie when the truth was bound to come out soon. When we got to Tonks' room at the hospital, Moody was sitting in the corner with his wand out.

"They have her sleeping for the time being. She needs rest." Moody's gruff voice didn't hide the concern it carried. "I'll leave you with her." Andromeda thanked the old Auror before taking a chair next to Tonks' bed. I excused myself and left with Moody.

"Do they think she'll recover?" I couldn't bear to wait for a Healer to come assuage my fear. Unfortunately Moody hadn't gotten a firm answer from the Healers who stopped by to check on her. "It's a good sign they're not hovering over her." I had to create hope for myself. "Thank you for staying with her."

"Someone had to, Lupin." Accusation rang with these words. "You had better stay with her this time." Without further ado, Moody stumped past me and left. I felt numb, overwhelmed, and unsure of myself. I couldn't process more for the time being.

I spent as much time as I could over the next few days with Tonks. She was back to her bright and cheery self. Nymphadora tried to comfort me and I tried not to block her out. Classically, what I was going through could be called survivor's guilt. It wasn't just guilt that my friend died before me but that happiness in my life had caused him turmoil before his death. Tonks' words about not limiting my life based on what others are able to experience. Logically it made sense but I couldn't, just couldn't bear to have all the joy Tonks could offer. I needed time to see if my grief driven relationship guilt would subside.

Dumbledore requested a meeting with me to discuss a unique opportunity to assist the Order. I arrived at Hogwarts and made my way to the Headmaster's office. "Good afternoon, Remus. Please sit down." I took the seat across from my mentor and former colleague. "How are you feeling?"

Suddenly I felt as if I were 15 again. Dumbledore checking up on me after a particularly hard transformation where Sirius tried tricking Snape into meeting the wolf instead of the boy. I felt the sting of tears. Sirius was everywhere and nowhere. "It's been a daily struggle." I felt no need to hide my grief from Dumbledore. "Sirius and I became closer in the last year than we had been since our time at Hogwarts." I felt more tears than I wanted to shed but they would not stop. "I thought I'd been taking care of him since he escaped but Sirius was the one taking care of me. He brought me back to people when I had isolated myself for years. He encouraged me to love –" My voice broke. "Now it's all gone."

There were a few moments silence while my breathing evened out. "The man is gone but you will always feel the impact of Sirius on your life." I nodded. "I asked you here today, not just to check on you after Sirius' death, but to see if you'll take an assignment for the Order." I opened my mouth to agree but Dumbledore raised his hand to stay my comment. "Before you agree, let me explain the requirements." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Fenrir Greyback is recruiting werewolves to rally around Voldemort and his followers. I feel it would be prudent to have a person on the inside."

I didn't have a response right away. Fenrir was the werewolf who bit me as a child. I truly hated the, for lack of another word, man. "I can understand this would be a trying assignment. I cannot overemphasize the danger you will be in. Not only will your affiliation with the Order of the Phoenix cause a great deal of mistrust, but your status as a fully qualified wizard will put you at odds with most of the population he's recruited. Many, if not most, of whom have eschewed all forms of magic as they are not welcomed by the wizarding world.

"I am confident that you can maneuver the social complexities of the werewolf enclave. I fear that the hardest thing I must ask is that you minimize contact with wizards. I understand that your relationship with Nymphadora could make distance a problem. I will therefore not –"

"I'll do it." I said cutting Dumbledore off. I had my practical and duty-based reason to live my penance for daring to be happy. I knew Dumbledore wouldn't approve of me using his assignment as my gateway for running away from love. "The Order needs me and I should be where I can provide the most use."

The piercing gaze Dumbledore gave me seemed to catch the hidden truth but he did not pursue it. "If that is your choice… I'll be in touch later this summer regarding a timeline and story for your arrival. Please, Remus, don't hide yourself from people who love you."

I left Hogwarts and went back to Tonks' flat. We'd been staying there since Sirius' death. Nothing could compel me to try residing in Grimmauld Place. We spent most of our time in quiet contemplation. Rather I was quiet and Tonks followed my lead. If I were to follow my heart I would get on one knee and beg Tonks to marry me. However, I had to follow my conscience which was yelling at me to leave.

After dinner one night I broke the long silence at last. "I've been given new assignment from Dumbledore." Tonks' face lit up; she looked thrilled that I initiated a conversation. "I'll be living with a group of werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." I could see the worry in Tonks' eyes. "It's best if we stop seeing each other." I wasn't making eye-contact at this point. Looking into Nymphadora's heart-shaped face would break my resolve. "It's a dangerous assignment."

I braved looking at Tonks'. Her jaw was set and she had a stubborn look about her. "I do love you. We can't keep this up – at all. No more sleeping together, no more full moon visits. I'm going to be half the country away and I can't expect you to wait around for me." Tonks open and closed her mouth but words were eluding her. "I should go." I said quietly.

"I don't want to end us." Tonks finally got out. "You could be gone for years and halfway across the world and I'd wait for you." I walked toward the door picking up my rucksack. On a whim, I took out my stuffed rabbit and left it for Tonks. Before I could grab the door, I felt Tonks embrace me tightly. "This isn't over." The words were muffled but resolute.

"It is, Tonks. I am too old, too poor, and much too dangerous for you." I stepped back from her looking into her brown eyes. Deciding that it did neither of us good for me to linger, I kissed Tonks softly on the forehead and left.

Once back in my own place, I realized that the ring I had foolishly bought Tonks was still at her flat. I decided to let it stay there; I didn't think she'd get to cleaning out the box I stashed it in any time soon. It had been weeks since Tonks was last at my house but it still smelled as if she were just in the next room. I avoided people for a few days. I wanted to be alone in my misery. Everything in my life was silver and cold.

Duty called me to the Burrow less than a week after I crushed my own heart. I needed to check in with the others and pick up instructions from Dumbledore. The kitchen was full that morning. Most of the Weasleys were there as well as Kingsley and Tonks. Kingsley greeted me coldly when I walked in. I tried to say good morning but I barely managed a smile. The shade of Tonks' hair was the exact color as mine: brown with streaks of grey. Tonks did not look up for her cup of tea. I felt unnerved by her presence.

"Oh Remus, how nice to see you." Molly said from the sink. She was bustling through the dishes left from the meal that just concluded. "Can I get you a plate of breakfast?" I accepted the offer gratefully. I said hellos to the others in the room. Hermione was visiting, most likely for the summer. Harry wasn't there with the others.

"Is Harry here?" I asked after accepting a warm plate of eggs and bacon from Molly. I hadn't fed myself much since leaving Tonks' flat.

"Dumbledore is picking Harry up night after next." Molly sat with her own plate of food. "He's going to check that Sirius' house has passed to Harry."

Tonks stood up suddenly. "I'm sorry, Molly, I have to leave." Tonks was out the door before anyone could respond. Many around the table looked quite dumfounded at her sudden departure. Molly and Kingsley each gave me an accusatory look.

I got up to follow Tonks. "Let me talk to her." I said leaving the room behind me. I had to jog to catch up with Tonks. She stopped walking as I approached. "I'm sorry." I said quickly. Tonks turned to look at me; her face was streaked with tears. "I didn't expect you'd be here. We're going to see each other for the Order." I put a hand on her shoulder in a friendly gesture of comfort.

"Keep your hand to yourself, Lupin, or you won't have balls to lick on the full moon." I raised my hand back as if she had burnt it with her words. "I can't see you in public and pretend it doesn't matter." Without further ado, Tonks marched outside the protective perimeter of the Burrow and disapparated. I returned to the kitchen where I knew an explanation would be asked of me.

Ginny asked if Tonks would be okay. "I can only hope." Molly pursed her lips. "I tried to talk to her but she's not ready to hear me out." I finished my plate of food in silence. Before I left with my note from Dumbledore, Molly invited me over for dinner that weekend. I accepted the invitation feeling thankful for a chance to see people. It was clear to me that, while Molly disapproved of my actions with Tonks, she kept our lines of friendship open. That was a warming though.

I was days from the full moon and I could feel its pull on me. In previous months I had my friends to help me focus on the man instead of the wolf. I yearned for Tonks and needed to blow off steam with Sirius. Neither were options for me this month. I turned to a bottle of firewhiskey instead. Drinking alone did not bother me; I was no novice to throwing back drinks in my quiet dining room. I could not bear to be surrounded by Tonks' scent at this time of the month. I went to the Leaky Cauldron instead.

The bar was sparsely populated. Tom was at the bar with a vague look of boredom on his face. I ordered and found a seat near the back of the bar. I wasn't in a mood for socialization. I tried not to listen as Tom and another patron talked in carrying whispers about Florean Fortescue and Olivander going missing. I was on the verge of joining their discussion when a familiar voice asked "May I join you?" I turned around to see Farah, a woman I dated in my twenties. It was the wolf in me who welcomed her presence.

"Please, sit down." It didn't take pre-cycle instincts to know what Farah wanted from me. I asked how she's been since I last saw her, which was the day she broke up with me but I left that out. It took the better part of two drinks for Farah to catch me up on her life. She was a recent divorcee and moved back to London to teach at a muggle university. When the conversation got around to my life I downed the remainder of my firewhiskey and raised my eyebrows. "There's not much to say. I've been here and there."

I wasn't sure who suggested going back to my place but we ended up there after a short while. My conscious was mildly reminding me that I loved someone else; the wolf wanted to forget her. It was in the midst of forgetting myself with Farah when I heard the sound of something breaking. I was putting on trousers and at the door before Farah could ask what I was doing. I had to check who else was in the house.

The broken vase and ajar door led me outside where I saw Tonks hurrying away. I hesitated for a moment then decided to run after her. I was beside myself that Tonks of all people dropped by tonight. I seized onto Tonks' arm, she wasn't slowing down.

"What do you want, Lupin?" I had the gall to look stung by her words.

"I- you were in my house." I reminded her with a touch of coolness.

Tonks went into a fury. Everything about me upset her that night. Catching me in bed with another woman, my claim that I was too dangerous for her (but not others), and seeing me with someone else so soon after leaving her – it was all too much. I didn't have a defense. Merlin, I didn't even have an apology. Tonks stormed away from me and disapparated. I wanted to call out to her; I wanted to say I was sorry. Instead I trudged inside and told the woman in my bed that I needed to be alone.