A hangover and a howler woke me up the next morning. I couldn't recall why I deserved either for a few moments. It was the howler from Molly that put the previous night into sharp relief. Phrases like "needless heartache" and "foolish clumsiness" were ringing in my ears. Molly finished her howler with a kind reminder about dinner on Saturday. At least I knew I was still welcome. I stayed in bed through the day and into my transformation that night. I was glad to be rid of my human thoughts for the night. For the first time in my life being the wolf was a reprieve from my troubles rather than the cause of them.
Once the wolf had passed for the month, I knew I had to face the world again. I got word from Dumbledore that I could pick up my possessions from Grimmauld Place. I knew I left a few sets of robes there as well as other personal effects. On my way out the door, I noticed a folder with my name on it. There were a handful of pictures of me in there. Some were of Sirius and me from our youth and others were with Tonks. I wondered if it was these photos that brought Tonks by to see me.
Arriving at Grimmauld Place brought an uneasy feeling to my stomach. It was hard to go somewhere I exclusively associated with Sirius (and Tonks but I was trying to push her from my mind). I took a walk through the house just to convince the small but persistent voice in my head that Sirius wasn't hiding out in his house. The kitchen was empty, not even a fire lit in the hearth. The sitting room where Sirius and I often read or idly chatted looked as if Sirius had just vacated his seat – there was still an indent where he usually sat. I ventured up the creaking stairs and headed to the room I occupied for over a year. That part of the house was not empty.
Tonks was sitting on the bed we shared crying quietly. I thought about backing out slowly but the floorboard creaked beneath me. Upon seeing me, Tonks stood up abruptly, tripped magnificently, and fell into my arms. It was comforting to feel her in my embrace again. I knew I had to apologize for the other night, for everything. "Nymphadora…" I breathed quietly.
A scowl twisted Tonks' face. She tore out of my arms. "It's Tonks, thank you." I cringed at her tone. I wasn't looking for a row but one had found me.
"Please, let me explain. It wasn't –" I stopped at the tears that were brimming in Tonks' eyes.
"It wasn't what? Meaningful? Important? You don't have to explain yourself to me, Lupin." I hated hearing my surname on her lips; it felt so distant when those lips had once been so close to me. "I get it, you moved on faster than I did." Now I could feel tears stinging my eyes. Tonks left me in the room where I had loved her so many times. She glanced back at me from the stairs, her face was unreadable. I thought I saw the same regret that I was feeling.
Visiting the Burrow became a frequent event in my life. Molly and others who knew of my relationship with Tonks kept their reproaches to disapproving looks when Tonks was mentioned. I was thankful for the distance and privacy they offered. I was weary of people trying to push me back into a relationship I deemed unwise. I regretted my decision but it was mind to make; I did not use popular opinion to steer my love life.
It was with slight trepidation that I accepted Kingsley's invitation to go on a mission together. He said he needed a spare set of eyes to watch over the muggle Minister. It sounded like code for "I want to talk to you privately".
We met at a café in the heart of London. It was across the street from the Minister's favorite restaurant. "What do you need me to keep an eye out for?" I asked feeling skeptical that I had a real purpose at this little coffee shop. Kingsley asked for me to keep look for known Death Eaters, muggles acting suspiciously, and weather anomalies. It felt like a snipe hunt.
Both of us ordered a coffee and a pastry. I looked around the café taking in my surroundings. "Is this what you do every night?" I decided that casual conversation was better than a long silence.
Grinning slightly, Kingsley shook his head. "Most nights I just follow the minister home. Tonight he had a dinner that couldn't be avoided." Kingsley looked comfortable in his own skin. He didn't seem like a guy who was easily made to feel uncomfortable. He had a suaveness about him that seemed unshakeable "Your time with Fenrir's group is starting soon." I nodded. "You'll be a double agent. Do you think you can do it?"
Kingsley raised an eyebrow. I could tell he was trying to get a conversation flowing. I thought a friendly conversation would lead to a man to man discussion about Tonks. To thwart the conversation, I answered curtly. "I've always been a double agent. A wizard hiding his dark werewolf side. Now I'll be a werewolf hiding magical prowess." My words hit the boundary of Kingsley's suave demeanor.
We sat in silence until Kingsley cleared his throat. "You seem down lately." I shrugged, still avoiding the male bonding being pushed on me. "You're not the only person who seems down." I could see that this conversation was inevitable. That didn't mean I had to help it along. "What's so strange is, I've known Tonks since she got out of Hogwarts. She's dated and broken up with plenty of blokes. None of them mattered before." I had run myself through guilt so much that his words were just drops in the cauldron. "I'm afraid she's list her spark."
I took the bait and joined the conversation. "What do you mean?"
"She's not confident like she once was. The Tonks I met a few years ago would easily bounce back from the end of a romantic relationship. I don't think she's ever lost a friend before like she lost you." Kingsley focused on the restaurant where the minister dined.
"She's never ended a relationship before?" I always ended relationships when I ended a romantic involvement. I didn't know how to be friends with someone I had loved.
"It's not in her to cut people off. Tonks makes friends like doxy bites." Kingsley ate a piece of his éclair and stared out the window for a few moments. "It's her birthday in a few weeks." I sat up in my chair slightly, feeling the need to protest being forced into a romantic act. "You don't have to get down on one knee, Remus. Just, try being friendly. Give her a card." When I didn't respond Kingsley added, "a friendly card. It will give her something pleasant to go on while she's stationed in Hogsmeade."
I was contemplating the birthday card suggestion. It couldn't hurt. Maybe it would stop the arguments and tears that occurred whenever we met. I was close to consenting to the card when I noticed a muggle outside. "Kingsley, that bloke has been standing outside that restaurant for at least 10 minutes." Kingsley turned to look at the person I pointed out. "No umbrella, no jacket, and it's pouring out." Normally this wouldn't strike me as odd but we were in a nicer neighborhood where people were generally well-dressed. "See how he's peering into the window?"
That was enough for Kingsley. We both headed to the door and crossed the street. A car honked at us for running through traffic. The loud noise did not perturb the muggle we were approaching. "Excuse me, sir?" Kingsley said putting a hand on the man's shoulder. The man tried to seize Kingsley by the throat. Kingsley subdued the man easily. I kept my eyes toward the passing crowd, none of whom found us worth noticing. "Let's take him to St. Mungos. They'll need an entire muggle ward soon." Once we got the man off to St. Mungos, Kingsley and I went our separate ways.
I wasn't able to shake Kingsley's encouragement to at least be a friend to Tonks. I could rationale being a friend without endangering her life. I wrote a carefully friendly card to wish Tonks a happy birthday and safe time in Hogsmeade. Then my quill got away from me and I signed it "With love, Remus". I agonized on whether to change that but decided it would not cause harm to leave a card with love.
The light was off in Tonks' apartment. I hoped that meant she wasn't there. She had some security on her flat but I guessed she didn't change it. I stood outside her door debating on whether to leave the card on her door or inside where she'd find it. Feeling brave, I opened the door and stepped inside. There were boxes stacked throughout the apartment. Some were marked with "stay" and others with "go". I couldn't decide where to leave the card so I left it on the small end table next to the door. She often put important items there. I left quickly as I was unsure of Tonks' schedule.
With a few weeks left until my assignment started, I began cleaning out my house and deciding what would be necessary to have with me. I thought to pack light. Dumbledore described the living conditions akin to those of a homeless person. For most of the month I would appear to be in a group of vagrant men. Possessions would be scarce and what people had they were expected to share. I couldn't take anything I didn't mind others using or even taking.
My rucksack was the best bag to bring with me; it was old and tattered which fit the fashion for werewolf communities. As my pile of items to bring grew, it became necessary to add an undetectable expansion charm on the bag. Having a large space to keep items made it easier to justify bringing books and a journal. There were a few photos I wanted to stash away from prying eyes. Werewolves were supposed to be unattached.
Dumbledore and Kingsley arranged to see me before I left. I wasn't sure why they were both seeing me but I didn't mind the company. I always get anxious before guests come over. I baked cookies and had my teapot ready. I heard a soft knock at the door while I was cleaning up after baking pumpkin pasties. By my clock they were more than an hour early. I opened the door cautiously. I had my wand in a hand concealed behind the door.
Tonks was at my door with her brown hair and sad demeanor. With a touch of apprehension, I stepped aside and let her in. "I wanted to say goodbye before you left." Tonks was holding a small package. I offered Tonks some tea but she declined. "I got you this." Tonks thrust the package she was holding into my hand.
I carefully opened it. A pair of fingerless gloves plopped out and a bag of marshmallows. A surge of emotion rushed through me. I fumbled to say words of thanks. "I… this is… Thank you, Tonks." I stopped trying to articulate; I could feel the romantic in me stirring.
Silence fell between us for a moments that stretched into minutes. "I should go; I still have to pack." Tonks turned toward the door. I reached out for her. I wanted Tonks to stay with me but that was the very thing I told myself not to want.
"You'll always be special to me." I had to say something to keep her there for just a few more moments.
A sad smile played on Tonks' face. "You'll always be the love of my life." I could see tears start to gather in her eyelashes. "I'll see you around, Remus." I realized then it was farcical for me to pretend I didn't love Tonks. I could hide it for her safety and lie to others about it but I'd always be in love with Tonks.
In a matter of moments, or hours, I couldn't tell, Dumbledore and Kingsley were at my door. It turned out that Kingsley was to be my contact in the Order while I was under the radar. He would meet me at rotating locations bringing news and wolfsbane potion when I needed it. "You must gain Fenrir's trust. You must also work to win others to our side. Fenrir will tell them that wizards have forsaken werewolves. It will be too dangerous for you to overtly speak against his ideology. You must get people to trust you and work on them individually." Dumbledore looked confident in my ability to straddle the arena of werewolf and Order member. Kingsley and I made our first rendezvous date and time. We were to meet irregularly and in various locations.
Before leaving, Dumbledore told us to trust Harry. It felt ominous to hear Dumbledore passing the trust mantle to someone else, even Harry. I was to leave the next evening and find Fenrir's group. There was a rally to recruit new members. I had my lies to protect me and my truths to hide.