With my rucksack, wand, and a bag of marshmallows, I set out for Leeds. The information Dumbledore had indicated there would be a small gathering in an abandoned factory outside Leeds. It sounded as if there would be other werewolves going to hear Fenrir's message. I was prepared to feign my departure from the Order, break my magical ties, and do whatever it took to earn the trust of a pack of murderers. There was an industrial, heavy smell to the air when I arrived in the designated area. I soon found the old factory where I would try my skill at double agent.

There was a small group of men already there. I only got the slightest of glances from any of them. "We'll start in about 5 minutes." one of them said. I nodded and walked closer to the group trying to portray more confidence than I felt. Fenrir wasn't there yet. Part of me felt relief at his absence. "What's your name?"

"Lupin." I left it at that. A first name exchange was too civilized for this lot.

A voice from the door called out to me. "Lupin? Remus Lupin?" I didn't need to turn around to know it was him. "I haven't smelled you in years." Fenrir chuckled. "Still a scared little boy?" I turned to face the werewolf who took my childhood. He slowly approached me with his fingers flexing menacingly. "No, I guess you're a man now." The tall, beastly man was almost nose to nose with me, his foul breath was invading my senses. "I see your old man doesn't think all werewolves are soulless, evil, and deserving death."*

It seemed like my cue to speak. "No, not all of them." I risked a look that was meant to indicate some of the werewolves present may fit that description. Fenrir leered at the subtle accusation.

"You smell of fear." Fenrir was breathing in deep. "You carry the stench of shame." Almost close enough to nuzzle me like a cuddly pet, Fenrir licked my neck then spat "Love. It's all over you" Backing a half step back, Fenrir finally asked the question I knew was coming. "Are you done being Dumbledore's pet wolf?"

I had to let go of my careful meekness and push the wolf toward the surface or I'd soon have my throat ripped out. "I've never been anyone's pet, Greyback. I'm my own… person."

"We'll see," Fenrir said in a low voice stepping back and looking at the crowd who was watching our interaction with interest. "All of you here, you came to hear what I have to offer?" There was a murmur around the crowd. I stepped back into the crowd to avoid being in Fenrir's line of sight. "You've all been forsaken, beaten down, and oppressed. I can give you the chance to seize the life you all deserve. One with respect! Dignity! The right to live in decent areas!" The crowd made sounds of agreement. "Work with me and we can create a world where we do not hide and we are not second rate."

The words described what any man would want, with or without the burden of being a wolf. Fenrir's oration did not go over the finer details of how his objectives would come to fruition. Like many politicians he was peddling the result but not the means.

"What I need from you is loyalty, dedication." There were nods around the room of people who looked they would give anything to see Fenrir's promises realized. "Anyone not interested can leave now." A few people rustled but no one left. "Good. Here are the rules. We share everything. Food, shelter, magic." With the last word Fenrir looked at me for a moment. "You do what I say when I say it. If you can't live with that then you're welcome to die."

That night I was led to an area that looked like a shanty. I realized it would be my home for the foreseeable future and a feeling of dread seeped into me. I had a home, a house even. Why did I agree to live like this? The night was cold and supplies were low. I conjured bluebell flames for heat. Then, remembering Fenrir's rules, conjured some for those around me. "Looks like you're useful already, Lupin," Fenrir growled from his nearby cot.

I was unable to sleep for most of the night. I could see the stars through my makeshift roof. They were bright and optimistic unlike my present situation. The alley we were set up in was quiet throughout the night. Our occupation of the area drove out the usual vermin that would wander through a dark street at night. Animals seemed to sense the danger we posed and humans usually avoided areas where the homeless slept in groups.

The next day we were split into groups and sent out to acquire provisions. My team was looking for bits of material that could be useful including old furniture, clothes, or whatever we thought would add value to our collection of goods. Smith and Cooper were with me. I had a feeling they were sent to keep an eye on me as well as look for provisions. Smith, a rather barrel-chested man, suggested we split up. I walked through the neighborhood with my eye out for items we could use. Unfortunately, I couldn't carry one of the homes back in my pocket. A short ways from where we were camped out, there was a neighborhood full of small, happy looking homes.

My supply hunting came to a halt when I noticed a playground. I set down the few items I found so far and looked at it feeling my stomach tighten. There were children playing and laughing with their parents looking on. I glanced over my shoulder toward our werewolf shanty seeing that it was maybe 6 blocks away. Despite knowing I was likely being watched and that it went against my mission, I cast a protection spell on the park. The barbaric irony of settling his following so close to a young and vulnerable population was not a reality I could live with. It was painful to remember being bitten in a similar playground where I had often played in the sun as these children were doing. It gave me comfort to protect the park and its inhabitants as I couldn't change where the werewolves stayed.

With a deep chuckle, Fenrir said, "Shielding their innocence?" The grotesque man came up beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "Trying to prevent me from getting more young recruits?"

"Hardly," I replied coolly. "It's not very sporting to get them when they're just sitting there. Where's the hunt?" I felt disgusted at the words I was saying. Thankfully, Fenrir laughed, slapping my shoulder and turned to go. "Did you want something, Greyback?" I asked as if I did not suspect being watched.

"Checking up on the newest recruit." Fenrir paused before walking on. "Looks like you'll shape up to be a good addition." I was left to finish my scavenging.

Smith, Cooper, and I met up that afternoon to compile our findings. "Found a fair bit of clothing. That should help when she comes around," Cooper said flicking his bald head up towards the sky. It was common for werewolves to refer to the moon as a woman. I knew this mainly from academic text as I had not socialized amongst other werewolves for most of my life.

"I found some blankets, books, and more clothing." I looked at my peers who had dubious expressions. "The books were about growing plant life and urban homesteading."

Smith had an eyebrow raised and let a few moments silence pass before talking through his findings. "Got me some shoes, soap, and, uh, I found a couch but couldn't carry it alone. I drug it though. There," Smith said pointing a few streets over. We carried the couch back to our area with the rest of our findings piled on top. It had a musky smell but was otherwise unaffected by its time in the elements. Our height difference made the journey uncomfortable. Cooper was short and set the level at which we all had to carry the heavy sofa.

That night we all ate a hefty meal of stew and bread. Others had been sent out for food and were very successful. Everyone got more than enough to eat and we all had a warm spot next to the fire. The conversation centered on people sharing slights that they felt from the magical world. The bloke to my right, McMann, was fired from his job at Flourish and Blotts after being attacked.

"I'm still the same man, just stronger and," McMann hesitated for a moment, "a bit dangerous once a month." The others gave sounds of rowdy approval at these words. Expectant eyes turned to me as McMann finished, waiting to hear my grievance against my fellow wizards.

Where I thought I'd need lies to tell a convincing tale, the truth worked rather well. "I've worked my entire life to gain acceptance, help others, and have a normal life." I paused and drew a deep breath to steady my mind. The memories flooding my mind were beginning to highlight the draw of turning against wizards. Once again in my life I had to hate part of myself to accept the other. "Despite years of loyalty to those I was close to, I've been painted always as a risk, a traitor." I was dredging up feelings of bitterness from the first war. All of the mistrust stung deep as these were wounds that had never healed, they were only buried.

"Why did you try so hard to be their pet, Lupin?" Cooper asked from across the bluebell fire we were using for heat.

I couldn't keep the growl from my voice as I replied, "I was never a pet." I eased off the terse tone as I continued, "They were all I had, all I was raised to believe in. I didn't have an alternative until…" I drew a shaky breath. "Until recently." Fenrir wore a thoughtful look as if trying to decipher my words as either fact or fiction. I was thankful that Smith, who was sitting on my other side, started on his tirade against the wizarding world.

I spent another night staring at the stars instead of sleeping soundly as my close neighbors were. My thoughts were churning through the words I said to my fellows. How much of me truly believed what I said? My mind wandered to Sirius who had distrusted me when Voldemort was hunting our friends. To Farah who left because she could not love the wolf in me. Then to Molly who was uneasy around me close to the full moon. Finally, to Tonks. She was the one person who did not mistrust the wolf. In fact, she loved the man and the wolf. With that thought haunting me, I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I was scheduled to meet Kingsley three weeks into my stint. He was to bring me wolfsbane potion and we were to exchange information for the Order. I garnered enough trust amongst the other werewolves to disappear for an hour without comment from the others. Kingsley and I met in a pub a good distance from the area I had been scavenging in. We ordered beers and chips before finding seats away from the barkeep.

"Eat some food, Remus," Kingsley said pushing a plate of chips toward me. "You look half-starved. Are you getting enough to eat?"

I took the plate and took a few chips. "Is that you, Molly?" I said with a smirk. "I've been eating rather well. I always look ill before the full moon."

"Speaking of which," Kingsley passed me a flagon, "this is for you." I took the potion and tucked it in my rucksack with a word of thanks. "Harry got to school okay even with a slight issue with him getting off the train. Tonks reported that the Malfoy kid attacked him."

Thankful for the insertion of Tonks into my news from the world I nodded. "Any word as to why he was attacked?" Kingsley shook his head. "Any other important news?" I wondered if the story about Harry was only being shared because of Tonks' involvement.

"A few more deaths on our side. No one in the Order though. The Ministry is struggling to find out where death eaters have infiltrated and who is being controlled by Voldemort. We're not making great progress on this front." Kingsley look a long draw from his beer stein and made a face. "I don't think muggles have perfected this brew. How was your mission been?"

I glanced around the pub, just to make sure there weren't people hidden out of view but the lunch crowd had already cleared and we were quite alone. "Overall, very well. I've been gaining trust but haven't built enough to talk to anyone about Dumbledore." I took a draw of beer but managed to keep a straight face – I definitely preferred wizarding drinks. "This definitely isn't pumpkin juice." Kingsley chuckled and raised his glass. "Greyback has a quite brilliant recruitment plan. He's using discrimination against werewolves as his rallying cry. So far he hasn't come out and said he's being supported by Voldemort. He's drawn the line between us and wizards."

Kingsley cleared his throat, "us and wizards?" he asked raising an eyebrow. It was a slip of my tongue but it revealed how much I was identifying with the core of Greyback's arguments.

"You know what I mean," I said hastily. I felt aggravated because Kingsley managed to find the singular most challenging aspect of my assignment. "I'm sorry. It's stressful to be in two minds. The other werewolves can tell when I waiver and it's a risk each time."

Kingsley took a few moments to mull this over. "I can understand the challenge with this assignment, but, Remus, you are one of us. Not them. You have the same condition but you are invaluable to wizards, not to mention the Order." I nodded but couldn't think of a response. Kingsley's words managed to center me and remind me that I wasn't just a wolf and that, despite the authentic diatribe I had been communicating for almost a month, I did belong with my fellow wizards.

The days up to the full moon were difficult. I usually tried to control the wolf taking over my mind. In the company I was keeping, the wolf was expected and welcomed. I felt a new sense of brotherhood with my fellow werewolves - all of us suffered because of the moon and through our pain came unification. I held onto the one person who could anchor my thoughts to my humanity, Tonks. She stopped my mind from running rampant and becoming savage as others were doing around me.

Fenrir seemed to detect a rise in tension amongst so many wolves being called into dominance. He had us all disperse for a few days around the full moon. I found a small utility room to transform in. While I was harmless, I still sought out isolation. I lacked the control that month to stop myself from being dangerous to others. I snacked on marshmallows leftover from Tonks' going away gift and waited for the moon to destroy my body.

I howled louder that night than I could recall doing since being on wolfsbane. I focused on Tonks and my love for her but the wolf still tried to take me. It was an emotionally tormenting transformation because I could not separate being happy with Nymphadora from the heartache I caused for the two of us. Waking up the next morning I was left with a feeling of loss and longing.

"She was hard on you this month," McMann stated after seeing me return to our living area. I nodded and lowered myself to the ground, using a wall for a backrest. "Have some tea," he offered. McMann looked worse for wear as well.

I was taken aback by the concern McMann showed. "How was this month for you?" I asked taking a cup of tea. McMann shrugged and said it was the same as usual – full of pain and rage. I finally felt I had someone I could discuss Dumbledore's perspective on werewolf equality. "How long have you been transforming?" Greyback got tetchy when we used victimizing words to describe becoming a werewolf. He preferred we talk about it as either a gift or a neutral event in our lives.

"Ten years or so. I was just out of school. My girl at the time left me as soon as she found out. I got one visit at St. Mungo's and a note on the kitchen table when I got home." McMann had a steely look in his eyes. "She still haunts me when I transform, the stupid bint. What about you, Remus?" I took in McMann's face for a moment – he had laugh lines around his cracked lips and slightly wavy hair. He seemed like someone who was very upbeat and carefree before he was afflicted with his condition.

I smiled dryly. "Your old girl doesn't haunt me when I transform." McMann laughed and pushed my shoulder good-naturedly. "I've been a werewolf since I was a child. Fenrir… well, he and I go back." I could see that this was news to McMann. Others started to return to our encampment which ended our more personal exchange. Most of us were exhausted and spent the next day idle and slowly recuperating.

A few weeks later, a newcomer was introduced to our collection of lost men. "This son of a bludger is called Whitmore," Fenrir smirked before continuing, "John Thomas Whitmore." To my surprise, I knew this man though not very well. He had been bitten around the same time Arthur Weasley was in St. Mungo's after the snake attack. I recalled with clarity the trip where I met the man who was in despair and when Moody gave me a cryptic message about treating Tonks right. The sound of my name brought me back to the present. "It seems he knows you, Lupin. Claims he met you right after he became one of us."

I nodded and said, "Met Whitmore while I was visiting a… someone in St. Mungo's." I stood up to shake Whitmore's hand. "Great seeing you here." I wondered if he remembered my words of encouragement from the previous year. If he did, they must have seemed completely hallow now that I was in league with a group of wizard-shunning werewolves.

The next day I was to show Whitmore the ropes. Our duty was to panhandle for change which gave us plenty of time to talk. I thought it was a sign of trust that I was given a guiding role with a new person. Fenrir's trust would go a ways with the rest of the group.

After a preliminary rundown of our task and what others were assigned to do, I started on small talk. "How have you been since I saw you at St. Mungo's?" Whitmore told me his tale of slowly being alienated from his previous life. Parents, wife, and friends slowly abandoned him while he struggled with the wolf.

His tone turning bitter, Whitmore turned to me with a touch of accusation behind his stormy eyes. "I thought you said I could have a normal life and that it was possible to love, to be loved." I could see that my advice was taken as a betrayal. "What happened to the love you claimed to have? Why are you here? You were an advocate for the werewolf living as a wizard."

"I didn't expect that I'd end up here," I admitted quite honestly. "My life, well, love, look many unexpected turns." I wasn't sure how open to be with Whitmore. The man I met the previous Christmas warranted my honest but I had to be cautious before opening up with the man in front of me.

"She leave you?" Whitmore asked kicking a nearby rock. "I saw her there. Pink hair, that smile. Can't imagine a woman like that staying with-"

"I ended our relationship," I cut Whitmore off abruptly. "We were happy together but…" I had to invest a bit of trust in him or I'd never make progress. "It was too dangerous for us to stay together. I… I still love her but she's better off now. She still gives me hope though - thinking of her gets me through the cold and dark."

Whitmore contemplated these words for a while before saying, "You were able to leave her? I've never known anyone to walk away from love." I could tell this would be a sticking point for Whitmore, especially as his own loved ones left him. After a few more minutes in silence Whitmore spoke again. "I couldn't have done what you did. Put my loved ones first."

I was taken aback. No one had seen my breakup with Tonks in this light, not even myself. "Thank you for saying that," I said softly. Deciding I could trust Whitmore a bit more, I said, "No one else here knows about her – about Nymphadora."

Raising a hand to stall me, Whitmore said, "Say no more. I don't trust most of these blokes further than I could throw a troll." I smiled and muttered that it was a wise decision.

Over time, Fenrir's rhetoric became less about building a community and more about vengeance and expanding the werewolf breed. "We deserve blood. Blood and power." A majority of the men in our group were avidly agreeing with these words. "Next full moon, we'll turn children to our cause. Bite them young and raise them right." Fenrir gave me an icy stare. "If anyone interferes, I will have their head."

My face stayed neutral while I was working out a way to prevent this from happening. I could not slip all of them wolfsbane potion. I only knew that I did not want to be present while the savagery was going on. Trying to gauge opinion about the increase in radical by discussing it with my scavenging partners a few days after Fenrir's initial proclamation. "Children," I said quietly to Smith and Cooper. "How do you feel about children?" We were walking through a commercial area looking for edible food to take back. Most of our work was dumpster diving, the smell of which made me nauseous.

"Might taste better than some adults," Cooper offered with a shrug. "Can't hurt to teach them the right way to be. Let them see what they can have that other kids don't get."

"What do you suppose that is? A lifetime of shame and lies? Transformation for children is horrific." I didn't intend to go off on Cooper but this was too close to me for a cool response.

Smith had a condescending look on his face. "We should spare their innocence?" he said with a taunting voice. "You're the softest wolf I've ever met, Lupin. Being a wizard has made you weak." I wanted to hex Smith and Cooper and show them how weak of a wizard I was. Instead, I turned and headed back toward the camp. Digging through trash was bad enough but I didn't want to spend it with rubbish like those two.

The next visit from Kingsley brought an invitation from Molly and Arthur to join them at the Burrow for Christmas. I passed along my acceptance with a floating feeling of excited anticipation.

We were given leave of the encampment to spend time with 'anyone who cares enough to take you sons of hags in' as Fenrir so lovingly put it. Going back to my own house after living in true desolation for months made every amenity I owned feel like a luxury. I slept in a bed, had a chair to sit in, and was able to walk around without layers of clothes. After being home for a day, I noticed a small card and bag in a pile of mail.

Opening the card, my nostrils filled with Tonks' alluring smell causing my heart to sink while my stomach squirmed with delight. The front of the card was reminiscent of a stroll Tonks and I took the previous winter where she kissed me under mistletoe. Inside of the card was all business. Glancing at what appeared to be a recipe, I upturned the bag's contents on to the table. Marshmallows! There was also a package of graham crackers and chocolate. The recipe she gave me was for something she called S'mores.

Deciding that it was unlikely she'd be poisoning me, I braved trying out the instructions. The result was the most amazing taste I had experienced in many months. It took a great deal of self-control to save some of the S'mores.

Christmas at the Burrow was an eventful affair. I wasn't sure if I was more warmed from the comfortably warm seat by the fire or the chance to listen to Harry. I missed my former student more than I was comfortable admitting. I was unsurprised that Harry was harboring doubts about Snape's loyalty to Dumbledore and the Order. For perhaps the first time in my life, I felt sympathy for the potionmaster's role of double agent. I was struggling with the fine line between spy and enemy every day I spent in Fenrir's presence. I therefore did my best to minimize Harry's distrust of Snape.

After our nightcap and a crooning carol from Celistina Warback, we all turned in for the night. I was thankful to get a room to myself in the very crowded house. While on the verge of drifting into a very comfortable sleep, a tap came to the door. "Who is it?" I called wondering who would be visiting me at this time of night. Surely I did not warrant a midnight well-wishing on Christmas.

The door opened and shut before I got a response. "It's George," came a hushed voice from across the small room. Grabbing my wand I lit the lamp on the nightstand. "I want a word with you about Tonks." George looked more stern and adult than I was accustomed to seeing as he sat on the bed across from me.

I was sitting up in bed now still feeling caught off guard by this late night meeting. "What about Tonks?" I asked trying to keep my tone even.

"I've been to see her and, well, I'm sure you've heard that she's not doing too well." George's words caused a myriad of questions to rush through my mind. Why did he go visit Tonks? What does he mean by she's not doing well? Is she worse from this summer? Before I could voice a specific question he continued, "she's holding onto you and your memory like she's got nothing left going for her." George's usually kind face flashed with anger and ill-will. Then it struck me, he fancied her. It wasn't hard to imagine how Tonks could draw his eye as she had drawn so many people's attention before mine.

Finding my voice at last I said, "I made it clear to her that we can't, that we won't end up together." George huffed something that sounded remarkably like 'fool'. "I want what's best for Nymphadora and it's not me." Deciding to test my theory about George's feelings I continued, "And I'm sorry if it's not you either." I could tell by his reaction that I hit the quaffle perfectly. George left me without another word uttered between us. I was left to try and reach that comfortable state of drowsiness I had been at before my unexpected visitor came in but found it impossible with the thoughts buzzing through my head.

If I thought George's lecture from the previous night would be my only holiday reminder of the woman I loved, I was deeply mistaken. The next morning it was Harry who mentioned Tonks to me not realizing my relationship with her or, from what I could tell, that I knew her any better than he did. Hearing that her patronus now resembled a four legged, dog-like creature unnerved me slightly. I told a partial truth and said that a great emotional upheaval could cause the shape of a person's patronus to change. I did not, however, mention that I suspected what the distress was that caused a rift in her magical abilities. Molly made a point of mentioning that she had invited Tonks over and that she had decided to spend Christmas alone instead. The thought of Tonks sitting alone in her flat caused a cold weight to drop in my stomach.

As much as I had been looking forward to my visit to the Burrow, I was relieved to depart for the solitude of my flat. I had until after New Year to return to Leeds and planned on staying in the quiet comfort of my home as much as possible. Where Tonks had been a source of comfort while in the werewolf enclave, George's admonition made the thought of her haunting and depressing. While I didn't like the thought of Tonks being pursued by other men, I knew it was for the best. I still had sweet memories of her love to sustain me after all.

*from Pottermore