A/N *please be aware that the story is now taking a turn for the dark*

Music on youtube link on my profile x

Chapter 7 "We love all our children here"

Sometime before the glow of dawn started to wind its cautious way between the buildings, they made their way to bed.

Sleepily they lay together, wrapped in each other, holding hands, their fingers twining back and forth, Meg sometimes pulling hers away from his grasp, to roll her hand around Cas's palm before linking them again.

"Cas."

"Hm?"

"Did you play me?"

He shifted to look down at her. "What do you mean?"

Meg looked up at him and lifted the side of her mouth impishly before planting a kiss on his chest.

"I mean, that whole inexperienced act." She slid her body across his so that she was lay atop him. "You sure could have fooled me."

He laughed softly and looked away, embarrassed.

"I may be inexperienced, but I'm not a monk….. I have internet…."

Meg threw back her head and laughed before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him quickly.

"You watched porn?" She said with mock outrage, then chuckled at his awkwardness, took his face in her hands and pulled him to look at her, kissing his mouth, his throat, his brow.

He smiled and held close to him again so she was nestled in the crook of his arm.

"Yes. I did."

"Was there a plumber or a teacher or something?" She teased, enjoying the slow blush that was creeping up his face.

"Pizza man."

"Ooh… the Pizza man. Pizza man porn is the best porn." She bit him on the shoulder softly. "Who did the pizza man fuck?"

"The babysitter."

"Of course. The babysitter."

Cas turned his head towards her, looking her dead in the eye, he half smiled, then moved across her, placing his body over hers.

"He didn't just fuck the babysitter."

"No?"

Meg grinned, biting her lip she wiggled under him, his arms either side if hers, effectively pinning her under him. He bent his head to suck on her neck.

"What else did the Pizza man do?" She chuckled.

Cas kissed her mouth, her collar bones, her chest, moved his way down her body trailing kisses in his wake.

As he reached her thighs he ran his hands down them, and glanced up at Meg, who was no longer smiling, but glassy eyed and softly panting.

"Maybe it's easier if I show you." He whispered.

"You remember, back at my place. You asked me who I was running from."

"Yeah."

"You said you knew I was running from someone. You knew the look. Knew what I was feeling."

Cas remained silent so she gently pressed on.

"Are you running Cas?"

The sun was filtering through the blinds, weak mid morning light that dappled across the bed sheets, throwing shadows over their bodies.

She watched the light play over his face, highlighting the curve of his mouth before moving to catch his eye's making him blink. She waited for him to break the silence.

Her arm was draped over his stomach, and she felt it tense and shudder under the skin there.

"Yes." He said finally. Almost too quiet for her to hear.

"Will you tell me about it?"

He seemed to fold in on himself as though the weight of what she wanted him to say was too much to bear, even here, even in this bed.

"It's ok." She took him in her arms and held his head to her breast. "I'm sorry Cas. You don't have to tell me. Forget it."

He took a deep breath and shook his head, his face still pressed against her.

"No. I do. It's just… I haven't had to tell anyone for such a long time. Sometimes I almost forget it ever happened."

People had always judged Meg.

Had always accused her of talking to much, of relying on sarcasm or just plain meanness in most situations.

What they didn't know is that she knew exactly how to be considerate, but most of the time people were assholes and didn't deserve her tact.

Meg kissed the top of Cas's head and stroked his hair.

It was an odd feeling.

Realising that this was a person she could have infinite patience with.

Would wait for hours for him to speak, or graciously accept it if he chose not to.

It frightened her a little to feel this way.

"You know, it's funny. Until a few years ago I'd forgotten about TV, never drank a coke. Never been to the movies. Never even been shopping on my own."

Meg frowned to herself, but stayed silent. Concentrated on running her fingers, back and forth through his thick, black hair, taking as much comfort from it as he seemed to.

"When I was four, my mother joined with the Brothers of Enochia."

"Aren't they a cult?"

"I suppose they are. They follow the teachings of John Dee. He apparently discovered the divine language used by angels."

He took a shuddery breath.

"My Mother was kind of wild, apparently. Dragged me all over the country hooking up with drug dealers, leaving me for days alone in abandoned houses or in crack dens…. Then one day she met Elijah."

Cas could remember fragments of his early childhood.

It was hazy, sometimes filtered through soft light, and lost to pitch black with other memories.

His mother had long, straight blond hair, that whipped around her face when the wind caught it.

Sometimes he would remember the days they had spent on the edge of the desert.

It didn't matter that they were having to sleep in the car or that he'd lost his shoes and was having to hop around avoiding sharp rocks and scorpions.

All that mattered was that she was with him and she was happy.

She scooped him up in her arms and twirled him around until he was breathless with fear and delight.

She laughed and laughed and held him tight to her, her hair falling over him like golden rays for him to busy his face in.

-My little Castiel. My little angel. My boy….

My boy.

"Elijah found us one night, sleeping in the car. He offered her a place to stay, to sort herself out, but we never left though."

-Why can't I see my Mom?

- Because you must undertake your schooling boy.

- I want my Mom.

- Your Mother wishes you to be a good child. Are you a good child Castiel?

- Yes.

- And yet here you are, demanding things from me. A demanding nature dishonours God.

- I just want my Mommy!

- ….and tears too! Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline then." …. Do you understand Castiel? We love all our children here.

Meg felt him push harder against her, like she was the rock that would keep him from drowning in memories.

"It's a harsh place. The compound where the Brotherhood is based. I hardly saw my Mother after we arrived. They cut her hair. I remember that. Cropped it like a boys. She'd barely look at me. I understand now that she had no choice, but in the beginning it was hard for me, to see her walk past and look the other way."

"Oh. Cas…"

"Please. Don't say anything. If you start talking now I might not be able to go on."

The daily routine of waking, prayers, chores, lessons, more prayers, more chores and yet more prayers, shaped his life.

The motion of his days shaped him, knocked the jagged edges from his personality.

He forgot the outside world.

Forgot the cars and shops, TV's and burgers.

He learned to numb himself to beatings, to cruel punishments.

Didn't memorize that psalm? Go kneel in that corner on the stone floor, in prayer for three hours.

Didn't do a chore as well as expected? Stand outside in the rain with your arms in front of you till you're called in.

Maybe they'll forget you.

Maybe they won't.

He survived.

He survived by becoming invisible.

And then, just when he had accepted his life, she was given to him.

"My wife. Daphne."

"You're married?" A cold stone settled in the pit of Megs stomach at the thought.

"Not anymore. She died."

Married at nineteen to Daphne.

Sweet, shy Daphne.

God, they were children.

But for a while he was happy.

Happier than he'd ever been.

They kept their small room on the compound clean, attended their prayers and work separately, ate their meals with their brothers and sisters, secretly snatched half smiles and blushes from each other across the diner table when no one was watching.

And at night, after prayers, they lay together in their hard, narrow bed and chastely found some tenderness in their lives.

"She fell pregnant quickly, but lost the baby. It happened four more times and each time I was afraid she would be hurt, that she would bleed and not stop."

He took Meg in his arms then and pulled her to him, and in a flash of jealousy she couldn't control, she wondered if he was imagining Daphne in his arms and not her.

She swallowed it down.

Feeling jealous of someone who was dead was low, even for her.

She relaxed into his arms ad lay her head on his chest, listening to the strong, slow beat of his heart.

"When she finally held onto a baby we were delighted, but also terrified. Children in the Brotherhood don't spend much time with their parents. It's not encouraged to actually parent them. This is usually left to other members."

"Raising baby clones." Whispered Meg.

"Something like that, yes."

- Castiel. Do you ever think about the outer world?

- Sometimes.

- Do you think it would be safe to live in?

- I don't know. I don't remember.

- I want to be a good wife.

- …and you are!

- But… I…..

- You want to leave?

- I should not have suggested that. You should inform the elders. I should be educated….

- No…. Daphne….

- I'm an abomination! I'm wicked….

- Please don't cry.

- Castiel….. I want to have our baby in the outer world. I don't want our baby to grow up here. Like we did.

"You have to understand that Daphne was remarkable. She had been born there, knew virtually nothing of life outside the compound walls, yet she still saw the wrongness in the place."

"So you left?"

"No. She went into labour early. The Brothers don't use doctors, don't allow outsiders in….. She died in childbirth. ….. Along with our daughter."

She had no words of comfort.

What could she say?

That she understood?

All she could do was wrap her arms around him and kiss him softly on the cheek.

"A week after she was laid to rest, the elders told me to remarry. Said they had made their choice.

I couldn't stay.

I escaped. Climbed the wire, ran into the desert. Nearly died out there, but I made it."

His first fumbling steps along the asphalt.

Half crazed with thirst and hunger.

"Hey! Hey man? You ok?"

The truck driver squinted down at him from his cab.

"Thirsty." Rasped Castiel.

The drive got down, handed him a bottle of water, took it back off him to open it when he realised Cas couldn't do it himself.

"Come on man. I'll give you a ride, get on in."

"I drifted for a while until I ended up here, then I met Dean."

"Dean know about all this?"

"Most of it. I….. I didn't tell him about Daphne. It was too soon.. Too raw…

He took me in, got me a job at the bar. didn't belong to him then, belonged to his Dad. Dean got me to the stage where I could function like a human being rather than a verse spouting clone. Helped me find a place to live, even babied me through things like shopping for clothes and food."

Meg quickly readjusted her thoughts on Dean.

She could imagine the patience it would have taken to help Cas learn to live in a world with so much choice, where he held his own destiny in his hands for the very first time..

"Cas….I….."

"I'm so tired." Cas kissed her gently. "I'd really like to sleep now."

She nodded and snuggled into him.

But she wasn't stupid.

She'd done enough silent crying in her life to know what he was doing.

He wasn't as invisible as he thought he was.