Benedict Cumberbatch! (that's all I have to say for now C:)
Chapter 2
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were partying at the Green Dragon, the best tavern within a five foot radius.
Sam was sitting with the grown up hobbits because he wanted to look cool.
"There've been some strange folk crossing through the Shire. Dwarves, and others of a less than savory nature," Gaffer commented.
"Ohoho wee wee!" Noakes replied in a terrible French accent. He was immediately shunned by everyone in the area.
"Children's stories, that's all it is. You're beginning to sound like that old Bilbo Baggins! Cracked he was!" Sandyman cackled.
"Actually, that Took guy over there is cracked. Literally. Or it might be pot. You can never tell with that one," Gaffer shook his head at Pippin, who was currently trying to drink some ale with a lampshade on his head. The mug kept bumping into the rim of the lampshade, leaving a very high Pippin very confused.
Frodo walked up to Sam's table, bumping into several people because his eyes were trained on the laptop in his arms.
"Young Mr Frodo here, he's cracking!" Gaffer chuckled as Frodo tried to sit down and ended up doing a flip under the table.
"lol haha," Frodo replied. "#crackingandproud #cheersgaffer"
Sam shook his head sadly. "He gets worse every day..."
Later that night, Frodo and Sam walked past Rosie, exiting the bar.
"Good night lads!" Rosie grinned at Sam.
"Good night, sweet maiden of the golden ale!" a random hobbit exclaimed, striking a pose on one knee.
"dont worry sam. rosie knos a dum but wen she sees 1," Frodo patted his friend on the shoulder.
Sam smiled uncertainly. "Does she?"
"yah thts why she looks at u all da time! TROLOLOL!" Frodo danced away into the night.
Frodo trotted into Bag End and looked around. The window was open and papers were fluttering in the wind. Suddenly, Gandalf grabbed his shoulder.
"PERIOD BLOOD MICROWAVE!" Frodo screamed, hitting Gandalf in the face with his laptop. Well, it actually somehow spun around and hit Frodo in the face. CAZ NOBODY HITS GANDALF.
"Is it secret? Is it safe? Is it fabulous? Gandalf questioned.
"uhm well actually," Frodo began, looking down at his pants.
"THE RING, BOY! WHERE IS THE RING?"
"liek a ringtone? watchu talkin bout ganners?" Frodo was confused.
"Hoihsobhoibh!" Gandalf let out a cry of frustration and threw his arms up, hitting the chandelier. The Ring, which had somehow ended up on the chandelier, flew through the air and landed in the fireplace.
"I meant for that to happen," Gandalf lied as they watched the envelope burn. The wizened wizard wizarded over to the fireplace and picked up the ring, suffering no burns because #socks. "Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool, like me except for less awesomeness. What can you see?"
Frodo held the Ring up to his ear. "i dont hear anything is this a prank," he questioned the wizardy wizard. "o wait der r markings."
Gandalf examined the Ring. "The language is that of Mordor."
"i think bag end has enough doors as is," Frodo protested.
"It says in the common tongue, One Ring to Rule Them All, One Ring to blah blah blah I think you get the point."
"This is the One Ring. It was forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom."
"y do i care," Frodo was back to scrolling through Tumblr.
"Because the black ghost rider sleepy hollow things will come for you and take away your laptop!" Gandalf exclaimed.
"NOT MY WIFI!" screamed Frodo. "wat do i do gandalf? help meeeee!"
"You must leave the Shire! Go to Rivendell or something, they have good parties there. But watch out for the eyeballs and eyebrows!"
"wat."
"Go to the Inn of the Prancing Pony!"
"omgamgeee i got 3k followers!"
"...Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"
"ew that jenna girl unfollowed me. report and block," Frodo clicked twice triumphantly.
Gandalf pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know what I need? Starbucks. With Saruman, he's swaggy."
"YO I AIN'T BE DROPPIN NO EAVES!" Sam fell from the ceiling.
Gandalf screamed like a girl and poked Sam's eyes with his staff. "BIATCH MATHAOGNAOBIAJGBEAOBN!"
"Now what's all this talk about a ring and a dark lord and the end of the world!" Sam stood up and whistled whilst he worked it.
"sam stahp trying 2 b swaggy," Frodo didn't even bother looking up from his laptop.
Gandalf recovered. "Obviously he's trying to emulate my steadfast majesty!" A dramatic wind blew through the house, accompanied by low opera voices. "Sam, why don't you go with Frodo? Maybe the flakl will end up gligl bagl."
"Wait, what?"
Somehow they ended up in the woods outside of the Shire. Frodo shook his laptop violently
"where da wifi? were did it gooo?!1!?"
Gandalf decided to take advantage of the situation. "The wifi is in the fires of Mount Doom! Quickly, you must go Frodo! And bring the Ring! WIZARRRRRD... OUT!" Gandalf vanished in an explosion of pure awesome.
Frodo and Sam trekked through fields and forests until they reached a cornfield.
"This is it," said Michael Jackson I mean Sam.
"wat are u talking about now sam?" Frodo sobbed, distressed by his lack of WiFi.
"If I take one more step it'll be the farthest from the Shire I've ever been."
"well keep moving u lazy asshole the ring isnt going to destroy itself," Frodo scowled and kept walking.
That night, Sam made bacon. Frodo was drawing figures in the dirt, trying to calculate how many Twitter followers he had as of now.
They suddenly heard a muffled UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ in the distance. The two hobbits crept over to a fallen log and saw in the distance a group of glowing white elves. They had the whole shaboodle going on, from shutter shades to glow sticks to party moose, since elks were patented by the Mirkwood elves.
"party elves!" Frodo exclaimed.
"They're leaving Middle Earth... never to return," Sam said sadly.
"stap alliterating," Frodo snapped.
The hobbits laid back down.
"Everywhere I lie there's a dirty great root sticking into my back," Sam complained.
"sam i honstly could not careless can u please stfu."
"Sorry Mister Frodo."
Next chapter we get to see some more Saruman/Gandalf interaction! For those of you who have read my Hobbit parody you can guess what that's going to look like :)