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Chapter 4

Night had fallen. Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam skulked dramatically through the woods. Sam attempted a forward roll and was not able to stop. His speed began increasing exponentially.

"I am still very confused as to what is going on! Why are we running from these black rider guys?" Merry bombarded Frodo with questions.

"We're, like, going to the Buckleberry Ferry, Merry. Heyyyy that rhymed! Haha I rhyme all the time! Woah dude that rhymed too! Hahahaha!" Pippin began walking backwards and almost bumped into Sam, who was rolling with enough speed to overtake a Rosgobel Rabbit.

"Um, guys, help-"

A ringwraith suddenly galloped in front of them, blocking their path.

"omg ru serial can u seriously gtfo!" Frodo shouted at the ringwraith.

Sam barreled past, his speed reaching jet-plane levels. "GUYS HELP."

Fortunately, the fat hobbit crushed the ringwraith and cleared a straight path towards the ferry. Unfortunately, there was a loose board on the dock. Sam hit the board at full speed, which changed his angle of trajectory and sent him careening into the air. He spread his arms and legs and let out a loud, "NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!" Actually, forget the unfortunately. That was pretty damn awesome.

The remaining hobbits leaped onto the ferry and pushed off from shore.

"how much longerrrrrr," Frodo complained.

"About thirteen gallons," Merry replied. "Plus tax."

TWANSITIONNNNNNN

"its raining omg my hair is gonna frizz," Frodo stomped through the mud as rain poured down like water from a condensed mass of H2O in gas form.

"What do you want?" the gatekeeper snapped when Frodo knocked on the door leading to Bree.

"wow how is it ur business u stupid bitch," Frodo narrowed his eyes.

"Hobbits! Four hobbits! What's more out of the Shire by your talk! What business brings us to Bree?"

"omfg gtfo ru serial?" Frodo snapped.

The gatekeeper looked at Frodo, then at Sam, then at Merry, then at the door, then the rain, then Frodo, then Peter Jackson, then the hobbits as they passed him and entered Bree, then at his pearly teeth.

"Well, it's been a good day." He exploded.

"DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY..." echoed throughout the town.

The hobbits entered the Prancing Pony.

"Remember to say 'excuse me' when you talk to people, Frodo," Sam reminded his friend.

"xcuse you mr dursely," Frodo sauntered up to Barliman Butterbur, who was standing behind the counter.

Sam facepalmed.
"Good evening, little masters! What can I do for you?" the innkeeper's voice was smoooooooooth as butter. "If you're looking for accomoddaattiioonn, weeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." The poor man melted into a puddle of butter.

"uhm."

TWANSITION IN WHICH THE HOBBITS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE AND DRINKING

"Yay, alcohol!" Merry skipped to their table, carrying a huge mug of ale. "I may have no idea what I'm doing here, but yay alcohol."

Pippin eyed the mug. "Wuzzat?"

"Glad to see you're not passed out for once. This, my friend, is a pint."

"Oh mah gamgee it comes in pints?" Pippin gasped. "I'm getting one!"

"Did you just use my last name in an exclamation?" Sam asked.

"ew wat dat smell?" Frodo wrinkled his nose.

"Probably that man by the corner. He's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived!" Sam gestured to a hooded figure that was smoking in the corner of the room. Whenever he shifted, a layer of dirt cascaded to the ground. "He probably envies your cleanliness."

"hun i think he envies everyon's cleanyniss. jim moriartys criminal record is cleaner dan him. YO BUTTS! who da man in da corner?"

A puddle of butter slithered over to the hobbits' table. "Heeeee be one of them rangers. They're dangerous folk. Wandering the one's known as Strider."

"y dont he stride over 2 a bath. sweet jesus."

Pippin's voice rang through the crowd, catching Frodo's attention. "Yeah, man! Baggins is right over there! His name is like Frodo or something, and I'm totally related to him."

"omg u dum took wut ru doin?!1!" Frodo pushed through the crowd, trying to get Pippin to shut up, but he tripped and the ring conveniently fell onto his finger. The hobbit vanished.

"WOAAAH DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT HOBBIT DISAPPEAR?!1?! WHOOOOOOO!" One of the onlookers began foaming at the mouth and passed out.

Frodo slowly opened his eyes. Everything was shadowy and blurry.

"am i in a blender?"

Boom boom boom badoom boom boom boom wubby wubby wubby... Muffled, pounding music was heard as the Great Spotlight of Sauron slowly rose into view. Glitter and beams of light from disco balls cascaded through the air. Hot women danced with perfect choreography. Several orcs raised cups of beer, partying and having the time of their lives.

"You cannot hide! I see you! There is no life in the void, only death!" a massive booming voice came from the spotlight. Frodo stared in horror, ripping the ring off his finger. The scenery warped back into an inn, as though the party scene had never happened.

"welp looks like its nope-o-clock. tiem to get outa here." Frodo tried to stand up and make for the door, but a grimy hand grabbed him.

"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill." Even Strider's voice sounded dirty.

Frodo coughed and hacked, trying to expel Strider's dust from his lungs. "get away you gross maggot."

Strider ignored Frodo. Instead he brought him upstairs and into a private room.

"ok u need to chill ferserious,"Frodo snapped. "wat do u want?"

"A little more caution from you!" Strider snapped. About 5 inches of dirt had already formed around his feet. "That is no trinket you carry!"

"well duh i mean this is an elvish laptop. its ok bby he didnt mean it." Frodo stroked his laptop.

"Indeed." Strider paced around the room, the dirt from his hair putting out every candle he walked past. "I can avoid being seen if I wish."

"liek if you lie down in the mud?"

"But to disappear entirely is a rare gift!"

"THE DIRT IS OFF THE CHARTS!" Frodo wiped his face. "imma need a shower after dis."

Suddenly, Sam, Merry, and Pippin charged into the room.

"Let him go or face the wrath of my mighty bites!" Sam held out a box of Kashi cereal.

"Weren't those discontinued?"

"You have a stout heart little hobbit! And probably a lot of vitamins and minerals! But your cereal will not save you now. They're coming. They be climbin in yo windows! Hide yo weed, hide yo ring! They be stabbin yo pillows!"

The four hobbits clapped at his mediocre rap solo.

Well, actually three since Pippin had passed out again.

I wasn't as attracted to Aragorn as most people in the movies because I seriously thought he was too dirty. :P Did I do a good job with Strider's character? Leave a comment telling me about your suggestions/thoughts/how much you laughed.