So tired... enjoy.

Also, I don't own anything.

Chapter 5

Darth Vader's theme played in the background as the four ringwraiths marched into the Prancing Pony. Barliman Butterbur (or at least what was left of him after the melting incedent) cowered behind his counter, making squishy noises of terror.

The hobbits slept peacefully in their beds.

The ringwraiths walked into the hobbit-sized room and held their swords in the air.

"Hey boss, can we stop breathing like this? It's getting really annoying," one of the ringwraiths asked.

"Sure, fine."

They all took off their Darth Vader mask things and let out a sigh of relief.

Then they stabbed the beds. Feathers flew though the air. One of the smarter ringwraiths wondered why blood wasn't spurting out of the covers and lifted up the blankets, revealing a bunch of torn pillows.

"haha u dum fatties!" Frodo taunted, watching the scene from a window across the street. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were sitting up in bed, watching as well. All four of them were a safe distance from Strider, who was shedding dirt by the pound.

"What are those things?" Merry asked.

"They were once men. Great Kings of Men. Then Sauron gave them rings of power. They were blinded by greed and fell into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will."

"thats gay," Frodo commented.

"They are Nazgûl. Ringwraiths. Neither living nor dead, they feel the presence of the Ring at all times."

"kind of like i always feel da presence of your bacterial."

"They are drawn to the power of the One." Strider turned dramatically, staring into Frodo's eyes. "They will never stop hunting you."

"still gay."

888

Morning came, and the hobbits followed Strider through the wilderness.

"where r we goin? is there wifi around?" Frodo asked.

"I am taking you into the wild. And what is WiFi?"

"Don't ask that question Mister Longshanks!" Sam cried. "WiFi is a very dangerous topic around Mr. Frodo!"

"Ok why do you keep calling me Longshanks?!" Strider questioned. "The hell is a shank anyway? Isn't that a ghetto term?"

Merry whispered to Frodo, "I'm still really, really confused. And how do we know that we can trust this guy?"

"idk i mean he did save us from the nagle peple," Frodo replied. "and mebe he leads us to wifi?"

"But seriously, where are we going?" Merry asked Strider.

"To Rivendell, the House of Elrond."

Sam gasped dramatically. "Rivendell?! We're going to see the elves! Yipee!" The fat hobbit jumped up and hit his head on a low tree limb. A bird's nest fell from the tree and hit the ground, cracking all of the eggs inside it. A huge raven swooped down and pushed its beak inches from Sam's face.

"You have killed my family. I will make your life hell," it cawed before flying off into the horizon.

Sam shrugged.

At about noontime, the hobbits decided to stop and set up camp.

"I'm fixin for some biscuits," Sam drawled.

"Excuse you! We do not stop until nightfall!" Strider scolded. "Get off your lazy asses and follow me!"

"Hey, but I like, ordered a pizza. Can't miss my breakfast. It's like... an important meal. It's the most important meal."

Strider stared. "You already had breakfast."

"who dafuq eats pizza 4 breakfast?"

"No like, I was talking about... second breakfast."

"Pfff," Strider turned around, his hair fanning out and nearly causing a landslide. The poor hobbits coughed and suffered though the onslaught of dirt.

888

The group of five had reached the marshes.

"why is my life so hard," Frodo complained, swatting yet another mosquito. They'd swarmed in nearly solid clouds around the hobbits, biting their skin incessantly. Strider laughed because his nice dirty coating protected him from the bugs.

Finally, night fell and they escaped the wrath of mosquitos (or at least the ones that hadn't managed to get under their clothes. Take that how you will).

Pippin, Merry, and Sam passed out almost instantly because Pippin was stoned, Merry was exhausted, and Sam was fat. Frodo pretended to sleep but was really trying to create his own Wifi router out of a meter stick, a bulldozer, and a random Canadian.

Strider sang in Elvish.

"wut u singin about?" Frodo asked.

"The Lady of Lúthien. The Elf Maiden who gave her love to Beren... a mortal."

"dat means absolutly nothing to me. srry i dont watch game of thrones."

Strider shook his head, causing a clump of dirt to fall to the ground. "Get some sleep, Frodo."

"dont u dare tell me what to do u frikin bitch i will cut u!"

888

Meanwhile, Saruman was contemplating his long fingernails and dirty teeth. "God damn I need a mani pedi or something..." the wizard murmured.

"HA! GAYYYYY!" was heard from the top of Orthanc.

Saruman sighed and walked over to the Palantir, placing a hand over it.

"Yo Sauron, I'm here, Whadaya need? Pizza? Mints? Circles?"

"Build me an army worthy of Mordor," Sauron commanded.

Saruman closed the pizza box, disappointed.

At the top of Orthanc, Gandalf watched as orcs chopped down the surrounding trees.

An orc approached Saruman as the wizard strolled around his tower, watching the progress.

"The trees are strong, my Lord. Their roots go deep," the orc said in a grumbly voice.

"Rip them all down," Saruman commanded.

"No I mean, they go really, really deep."

It started to rain. For once, Gandalf felt powerless, and completely un-awesome. Then he noticed the rain wasn't even hitting him because HE WAS IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE GANDALF. YEAAAAAA!

The gray wizard dramatically donned his shutter shades and began to plan his escape.

888

Meanwhile, the hobbits and the ranger had arrived at the ruins of a temple, which rested on a steep hill.

"This was the great watch tower of Amon Sûl. We shall rest here tonight," Strider announced.

"i dont give a flying crap," Frodo replied.

They set up camp in the tower. Strider handed the hobbits some swords. "These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to have a look around. Stay here."

"bossy lil biotch." Frodo fell asleep.

About 5.238572 hours later, Frodo woke up to the sound of Merry, Pippin, and Sam's voices.

"My tomato's burst!" Merry complained.

"Haha dude, that's what she said," Pippin laughed. "Can I like, have some pizza?"

"Sorry, we only have bacon, sausage, and some tomatoes," his friend replied.

"BACOOOOON!" Sam roared, lunging toward the fire and snatching up the bacon. Just as he was about to take a bite, however, a huge pile of bird crap landed right into his hands. Far above them, the sound of a raven's laughter was heard. The fat hobbit narrowed his eyes.

"This... this is war."

Frodo leaped up. "WTF RU GIYS DOIN? DAT WAS MY WIFI ROUTER! UR BURNING MY WIFI ROUTER!" He started stamping out the fire. Everyone else suddenly became aware that the air smelt of burnt Canadian.

"Dude that like... got ash on my tomatoes," Pippin was indignant, or at least as indignant as a half-baked hobbit could be.

At the bottom of the hill, the screeches of Nazgûl could be heard.

"o craep."

The four hobbits dashed to the top of the tower and stood back to back, their swords drawn. The Nazgûl slowly advanced towards them, their swords drawn as well.

"Hoiiiiiiii!" Sam charged at one of the ringwraiths, but a certain raven swooped down and poked him in the eye. Sam passed out.

"Hey, let's like, start a club!" Pippin suggested, passing out as well.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me, Frodo," Merry said. "...Frodo?"

Said hobbit was making an escape through the bushes. Unfortunately, he remembered his laptop and scrambled back to get it. The Witch King nonchalantly stabbed him in the shoulder.

Strider charged onto the scene, wielding a torch and a sword and singing the Legend of Zelda theme.

After bravely setting all of the Nazgûl on fire, he struck a pose. "And he ain't gon' stop till the world is free of evil!" The ranger sang.

"u such a nerd," Frodo groaned, passing out.

Ha, I like my characters. Leave your thoughts in a comment!