Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future
Author: Farrah
Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(
Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.
Almost four hours had passed since Alyssa had been admitted. Mark ordered Meredith to run every possible test he could think of, CT, MRI, tox screen, chem. 7, full blood workup, you name it, he ordered it. He stayed with her every step of the way. He even shed a tear after he looked at her scans.
Her scans were horrible, she didn't just have a tumor, but it was big, bad and ugly son of a bitch. He needed Derek to fix her. He sent Isobel Stevens to find Derek and tell him that he needed to speak with him, but he was in emergency surgery. Derek's surgery had been out for a half hour by this time but he still hadn't answered any of his pages.
Mark knew he should go look for Derek himself but he couldn't leave Alyssa, he stayed by her bedside holding her hand urging her to wake up. It wasn't uncommon for someone not to wake up after a seizure for a few hours but four was pushing it. He couldn't believe his Alyssa was sick, he wondered how long she knew and why she hadn't sought out Derek sooner. Another hour passed and Mark couldn't wait anymore, for all he knew she was getting worse so he stomped over to Derek's office, but before he could get there he found him at a nurse's station writing in a file.
"Derek" Mark called, pissed that he wasn't answering his pages
Derek looked in his direction and walked the other way. He wanted nothing to do with Mark. He couldn't forgive him for what he did and he knew it was only a matter of time before Mark tried to apologize, but he didn't want to hear it. What Mark did was unforgiveable, and to make matters worse he moved to Seattle, so he had to be reminded of his wife and best friend's indiscretion daily.
"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Mark yelled, seething with anger
Derek whipped around ready to lay into Mark but stopped when he actually looked at him. Mark looked like hell, no worse than hell, he looked like death. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his skin was pale and his hair disheveled, he did not look like Mark Sloan, and if only for a second, this worried Derek.
"It's not about me, or you or this thing between us" Mark said as he walked over to Derek, "It's about Lyss" Derek looked at him confused, "She's here" this perked Derek up, he broke out into a huge smile, and it hurt Mark a little more to have to tell him but Alyssa couldn't wait "she's sick Derek, she's really sick" Mark's voice broke not being able to hold back the pain
"Where is she" Derek spoke for the first time, fear in his voice
"Room 1240" by the time the words were out of his mouth Derek was running a full sprint toward it, which Mark followed suit
When Derek reached the room his heart broke. The smart young lady he had watched blossom into a woman, whom he had spent the last seven years getting to know and loving as if she were his sister was in a hospital bed. He had seen her just a short six months ago and she was fine but now here she was in front of him, sick and frail looking, hooked up to machines and laying in a bed unconscious. He just couldn't understand what could go so wrong in such a short period of time. He crossed the room in two long strides and sat in the vacant chair beside her bed, resting her hand in his at the same time. "What happened" he asked softly after a short while.
Mark who stood in the doorway, trying to give Derek some space, some time with her, moved in to the room and sat in the chair by the door, a few paces from the bed "I was heading home and she called out to me, told me she came to see you and before she could say anything else she dropped to the floor and started seizing" Mark informed, providing Derek with the condensed version
"I had Meredith run some tests" Derek's head shot up at the mention of his ex-girlfriend's name sending a death glare Mark's way. The room was dimly lit but although he couldn't see Derek's eyes Mark knew Derek wasn't happy about him being around Meredith so he needed to clarify and quickly, "she saw when Alyssa started seizing she came over to help me, so I asked her to help with the tests" Derek's gaze returned to Alyssa so he supposed Derek was satisfied with the explanation
Mark walked over to the halogen board, turning it on and placing the scans of Alyssa's brain on it. He needed no words; the elevated breathing from Derek who now stood beside him was all he needed for confirmation. It was really really bad.
"Anaplastic Oligoastrocytoma" he whispered pointing to the large mass covering her frontal lobe. "And an astrocyticendoma on her occipital nerve" Derek said as he walked out of the room, he felt like he was going to be sick. Had it been anyone else he would have told them to live the next 3-5 months of their life as best they could because to try to remove those tumors would be certain death. It wasn't the tumors themselves that posed a problem, they were difficult yes, but the placement of them made it impossible.
Derek stood with his back to the wall watching Alyssa sleep, Mark next to her in the chair, his head resting on the bed close to her thigh holding firmly to her hand, as if for dear life. He had gotten no sleep, he had called every neurosurgeon he could think of to see if anyone had attempted the surgery themselves, but no one, not one good outcome. He researched for the entire night and nothing; he couldn't let her die though, not his friend, not her, not like this.
"Ahem" Bailey cleared her throat loudly as she walked into the room waking Mark from his slumber, her interns following closely behind "Dr. Shepherd" she acknowledged not seeing him before to which he gave a curt nod.
"He looks like shit" Christina whispered to Meredith, who managed to get some rest in an on-call room early in the morning after receiving the last of the test results.
"Yang! Since you're so talkative today you may present." Bailey scolded not looking back at Christina
Christina rolled her eyes and began "We have Alyssa Graham, 26 years old, admitted"
"Dr. Alyssa Graham" Alyssa interrupted voice raspy and thick
"Alyssa!" both Mark and Derek said rushing to her side, Derek reverting to doctor by moving his mini flashlight in her eyes for her to follow, which she did whilst trying to sit up.
"Stay" Mark said as he placed a hand on her shoulder
"I am not a damn dog, and I will do as I please" Alyssa barked as she swatted Mark's hand and sat up anyway, getting a chuckle from Derek.
"Squeeze" Derek told Alyssa holding his hands toward her and she complied receiving a glare from Mark
"Alright give the woman some space." Bailey shouted at Mark and Derek as they were hovering, "Nice to meet you Ms. Graham I'm Dr. Bailey" she said as she extended her hand to the young woman which was accepted quickly and with a bright smile
"Dr. Bailey, do you mind if we finish this up rather quickly so I can talk to Derek in private?" She asked motioning to the interns that were still in the room.
"Sure" Bailey said then motioning to Christina to finish
"Not necessary, I'll do it to make it quicker" Alyssa said then continued not waiting to see if Bailey was okay with it "Dr. Alyssa Graham. 26. Admitted last night with grand mal seizures. I have an anaplastic oligoastrocytoma resting smack dab in the middle of my frontal lobe and an astrocyticendoma that has decided to take rest on my occipital nerve. Symptoms so far are migraines, vomiting and occasional seizures. Only medication in the last month is dexamethasone taken at 1.3mg daily, and 22mg twice per month intravenously. For the size and placement of both tumors chemo and radiation therapy are no longer viable options." She finished placing her hands on her lap
"What kind of medicine you practice anyway?" Alex asked aloud taking a liking to her
"Surgery. Anything else?"
"Are you Dr. Graham, Yale's Dr. Graham. Top of the class in 98 Dr. Graham?" Christina asked seemingly awe struck
"Yes, that would be me, I'm sorry but have we met before?" Alyssa asked not recalling the face
"No, I had a professor that talked about you nonstop" Christina retorted a little disdain in her tone
"Really? Who's that?"
"Dr. Colin Marlowe"
"Yeah, Colin is a good friend, still trying to persuade me into cardio" Alyssa droned off at the end recalling the many conversations they had regarding her specialty
"Out, out, out, now!" Bailey said as she shooed her interns out of the room, mumbling something about being stuck with talkative suck-ups or something of the other.
"I'd like to speak to Derek alone please" Alyssa spoke in an even tone staring at the wall in front of her
"Aly" Mark said pleadingly, using Derek's nickname for her, hoping she would just look at him
"I'm not ready to speak to you Mark, not yet." She looked him in the eyes, hurt evident in hers
"okay, okay I'll leave but I'll be back later even if you're still not ready, I'll be back" he whispered the last part in her ear after he kissed the top of her head lovingly, an action which caused her to flinch. That hurt him. She couldn't stand to be touched by him, but it was his fault, he had to give her some time.
"How long have you known about the tumors Alyssa?" Derek asked getting straight to business
"Not long, a little over a month."
"You waited this long to come find me?" He breathed
"I called Derek. Two almost three weeks ago, I called. You never got back to me. I was hoping I would find someone else to be honest. I didn't want to bother you with this, I know you're trying to work things out with…" she trailed off at the end, unable to say the name. She hated that woman, and Derek knew it.
"I'm sorry I didn't call back, I'm so sorry" he stopped pacing to look at her "But how you think this would be a bother to me is ridiculous. I would have been there for you, in every way I could" he said as he ran his hand through his hair resuming his pacing
"I know Derek and that's the reason I looked to every other neurosurgeon I could think of first. I even had Amelia look it over…"
"My baby sister?" he couldn't believe she thought of letting Amelia operate on her instead of him
"She's not a baby anymore Derek. She's good. But let's be honest here, the chances that either one of these tumors can be removed with me not dying on the table are slim to none. The chances both of them can be removed is nil Derek. It just can't be done."
"You don't know that. I've called around, done research…"
"And it is still impossible" she interjected
"Nothing is impossible" he said crossing his arms, looking like a petulant child being forbad to eat cookies before dinner
"I knew this would happen" she shook her head knowing it was a mistake to come
"Well what would you have me do Aly?" he asked desperate for some kind of guidance
"Be my best friend again. Let me have the best 3,4,5, or however many months I have left. Let me die with dignity"
"You don't die with dignity. You live with it. You know just as well as me that with this, this tumor, your last month or so will be hell. You'll lose all control of your bodily function, possibly lose your speech, definitely lose your sight; you'll have to depend on-"
"Derek! Stop. Stop Derek please!" she whaled not being able to think about her inevitable future, "Don't you think I know that. I know okay I know, but there's no other choice, there isn't"
"Let me try" he said taking her hands in his "Let me come up with something, go over your scans. I'll find a way. I promise you."
"I don't know Derek, I don't know, I just don't" she told him truthfully
"Just give me some time, if I don't find a way then we'll stick with your plan, but if I find a way, you have to promise me to think about it, promise me you'll fight"
"Okay, you've got a deal." She relented. What could it hurt any way? It made them both happy, and there was no way Derek would find an actual way to remove the tumors.
"You really don't have to be mad at Mark on account of me" he said as he sat in the bed next to her, putting his arms around her, trying to lighten the mood "What he did ruined our friendship but it doesn't have to ruin yours"
"Are you seriously defending Mark right now?"
"No, I'm just saying, he cares about you. He stayed with you the whole night, slept right here waiting for you to wake up."
"Trust me Derek, Mark and I's issues go way past what he and super bitch… I mean Addison did to you."
"What does that mean?" Derek asked wondering what could have transpired since his departure from New York
"Well quick version?" she stopped to receive a nod of affirmation from Derek, which she got and continued with "Mark never once called me since, you know, the night you walked in on them. So I called him, never got an answer, a return call or even text if only to tell me to buzz off. I decided that I'd go to the brownstone and confront him, when I get there, now keep in mind I'm across the street, but I see he and Addison kissing in the doorway, Addison leaves but he spots me, looks me dead in the eyes, and closes the door." She stopped to wipe a stray tear from her eye "I don't know about you Derek but to me, that's not a friend. I expected more from him, makes me feel like the last 7 or 8 were a complete waste of time."
"After I left? Addison was at Mark's, kissing him… after I left?" he said putting emphasis on the last words
"You didn't know?" she asked scared of what she let out, she would never have guessed Addison and Mark kept it a secret.
"No I didn't" he replied through a clenched jaw
"Derek I am so sorry! I didn't know. I figured you knew! I didn't think they would lie about it!" she said sitting up putting his face between her hands forcing him to look at her, but Derek was in another world, he wasn't listening anymore.
"I got to go. I'll be back later to check on you" he said absentmindedly, kissing her on her forehead before leaving
"What did I do!" She mumbled, genuinely sorry that she caused more problems for Derek.