Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future
Author: Farrah
Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(
Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.
A/N: So I am so super sorry for not updating my stories (all of them). I'm trying to rectify the situation now… I hope I still have some readers out there. If you guys are new to the fic I know the storyline is a bit old but I always wanted to finish this story.
Please review if you like it.
FYI for who I envisioned Alyssa to look like is Zoe Saldana.
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"Where do you think you're going?" Meredith asked as she walked into Alyssa room charts in hand
"I'm getting out of here, I've caused enough trouble", Alyssa replied as she brought her jacket over her slender shoulders "What do you care anyway?"
"Well I spent the entire night running your labs and just came to check in on you."
"That still does not explain why you care. So that leaves either trying to get in on the surgery or solidifying your spot in Mark's bed..." Alyssa asked quite harshly never looking up to fully recognize Meredith's presence "let me save you some trouble… Mark's not the type of guy that's in the business of having girlfriends, that's the real reason you're here right?" Alyssa asked again but received no answer, slipping her feet into her flats she grumbled, "For your sake I hope so, because even an intern should realize this surgery is a dud."
"Ummm" Meredith said not really sure how to answer her or quite frankly which question to answer in the first place.
"Wow. Your Pretty… and his type." Alyssa said giving Mer the once over for the first time since she entered the room, the sentence structured as if it were a compliment but somehow seeming anything but.
"I'm Meredith" extending her hand as it was the only thing to come to mind.
"So which is it?" Alyssa asked clasping Meredith's hands firmly.
"Neither" Mer asked not sounding confident in the least, which brought about a head tilt from Alyssa, whom still had not released Mer's hand, this was definitely becoming awkward.
"I'm not sleeping with Mark, nor do I want to. Also, not trying to get in on the non- existent surgery, although I'm sure Derek will find a way, he always does." Meredith replied not exactly meaning for the latter to escape her lips.
"Intern. Familiarity with 2 attendings, so much so you call them by their forenames with ease. Not sleeping with Mark and no desire. There was a sigh when you spoke about Derek, slight but it was present, and a relaxation of your shoulders as well. So it's Derek's bed you want into, or have you already?" Alyssa asked, the audible deduction seemed mainly for her own reasoning but the end was definitely a question for Meredith.
Meredith stood shocked; a slight blush had already crept to her face, mouth open and uncertain of the quickest way out of the situation.
"You don't have to answer. You're Meredith Grey aren't you… the intern that got Derek Shepard to stray." She paused a while maybe looking for an answer but received none, she decided to take rest on the bed tucking her feet under her bottom, "Sit" she ordered Meredith to the chair by the door to which Meredith obeyed. There was a demanding quality to Alyssa Graham, not unlike Bailey's; somehow you knew not following orders with her was not allowed. "Relax. No need to be afraid of me" She smiled, changing her tone even, "I actually wanted to congratulate you, well maybe thank you a bit as well."
"Excuse me? I don't understand" Mer retorted quite perplexed by the turn of events, she just wanted to check on the woman, see if she was comfortable, tell her Mark said he would be out of surgery soon and Derek, well no one knew where Derek was but, on the off chance she ran into him she would be able to say she checked on his friend instead of the strained conversations they usually had.
"You are the first woman in what, like 12 years to even make Derek turn his head away from Satan's direction. I swear I thought that woman had some stronghold on him, even considered the use of black magic or something of the kind." Alyssa laughed to herself.
"And you think what I did is a good thing?" Mer asked incredulously.
"Hey! I'm the last person you'll find to condone cheating. I'm probably right next to Derek on the matter… or I used to be. But what she did to Derek, that was just beyond evil, even for her, so yeah what you did, what you and Derek did, justified. She deserved it."
"I take it you don't like her very much." Mer surmised from the use of the word Satan and the sudden anger that rolled off Alyssa in waves.
"And you do?" she asked, not quite answering Meredith's.
"I … I don't know. She's. Well, she's nice. She makes it very hard to dislike her. There are two sides to the story and well it wasn't all her fault." Meredith relayed much of what Addison had told her previously about her and Derek's marital issues.
"Take it from someone who was there there..." She looked as though she was about to spill everything but then stopped herself by biting her bottom lip. "You know what, enough of those two, why are you here? Checking on me for Derek?" she asked, bring the conversation right back to where it started.
"I… I…" Mer stuttered, effectively showing that she was still uncomfortable with the topic of Derek.
"You still love him." Alyssa stated as if it were fact, though it was more of a guess, hoping to get a reaction out of Meredith, which she did as she all of a sudden found her shoes to be very interesting. "Oh my god, you do, you're in love with him!"
"How…" Meredith asked as she heard the true inflection of realization in the other woman's tone. It was then she realized that she had been goaded into the answer, so the question of how was less about Alyssa figuring it out and more about how she got Mer to spill without saying anything.
"If you haven't realized by now, I'm pretty good with deduction, and reading people is a bit of a hobby, improved over the years." Alyssa replied smugly, but changed her tone once again very quickly to one incorporating a sense of somberness. "Does he know?"
Meredith hadn't expected that question, so it threw her for a loop. She remembered begging him to pick her over Addison, to not step on her heart. "Yeah. He knows."
"HUH" Alyssa huffed and shook her head slowly "Damn that woman" she whispered as she stood to her feet, picked up her purse from the table, and made her way to the door.
"Wait. Where are you going?" Meredith asked, perplexed by the abrupt end to the conversation.
"I told you. I've already caused too much trouble, but Meredith, Derek's a good guy. Not because he's my friend but because it's true. A part of that means, unfortunately, that he makes stupid decisions, ones that hurt him and others. I know you don't me and I may be overstepping my bounds but don't give up on him, especially now, he's going to be working out some things and it's because of me, but he'll need a friend, and I think you'll be perfect for it." She turned to leave again but stopped as she reached the threshold, turning to look intently at Meredith. "Do you know where I could get a good burger?"
This woman had completely confused Meredith. One second a heartfelt, whatever that was, then she's asking about food, so Mer did the only thing she could think of at the time. "Yeah, um Joes bar. It's across the street. You can't miss it." And with that, Alyssa Graham left just as quickly as she came.
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Derek sat in his office; he had been there for the better part of the morning. It was a good thing he hadn't had any morning surgeries and his 2 afternoon surgeries could be postponed till the following morning. He was in no position to operate at present.
He didn't know how long he had been there behind his desk, staring at the blank computer screen, but as he sat there wondering how he could have been such a fool. Wondering, how he hadn't realized that Mark was chasing Addison because there was more between them than a one-time roll in the sack. It made him sick to his stomach to know that this was yet again another secret that Addison had kept from him, but not only her, but a man that he had thought of like a brother for most of his life. Neither of them had the decency to tell him the whole truth so he could have made a decision for himself.
Decision! He had decided to stay with Addison because she was his wife, and although she betrayed him with his best friend, he had a duty to give them another shot. You don't just throw 14 years of marriage down the drain for one indiscretion no matter how horrible it was. He owed her to try. But now he wonders if he would have made the same decision if he had all the facts. Because honestly, he doesn't think he owes her a damn thing anymore, it wasn't just a one-time thing, some stupid mistake that she regretted dearly, it was ongoing, for how long he didn't even know.
To think, she made him feel guilty for moving on with Meredith when she had already done the same thing. Meredith. He had let her go, well not really, but he hadn't chosen her. He had hurt her, he knew that, but still couldn't let her go.
So now he sits in his office going over the last 8 months of his life and how screwed up it had all become, and his mind floats to the reason for all his contemplation, Alyssa. The woman whom through all of this has always been on his side, despite the friendship they all had shared. She was sick, and in need of him, to be her friend, to support her, to help her through her own tough time.
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"Would you just get off it already?" Christina groaned at Alex. He had been asking questions about Alyssa since they sat down to lunch in the cafeteria.
"Off what?" Meredith asked as she sat down in the open seat next to Christina.
"McHottie" Alex answered with a mouth full of fries.
"Real original" Izzie rolled her eyes at him, she still definitely hated him.
"It kind of fits Izz." Mer answered scooting her salad around the plate, guessing the conversation was about Dr. Alyssa Graham.
"So what, you take his side now?" Christina asked, seemingly miffed by Mer agreeing with Alex.
"I'm not taking anyone's side Christina… what's eating you?" Meredith asked her friend, confused by her annoyance.
"Crack whore's been crabby all morning since she met her arch nemesis" Alex laughed as he ate his ham sandwich.
"Alyssa?" Meredith asked finally taking a bite of her salad
"So you two are BFF's now? Figures, she has Sloan and Shepherd wrapped around her finger, why not you too." Christina surmised.
Everyone at the table was shocked. First it had seemed funny, but Christina seemed genuinely upset about the whole thing.
"What did she ever do to you?" George asked, as soon as he said it he wished he hadn't because it seems Christina was primed to lay into him.
"You're jealous of her." Izzie spoke, awestruck by the realization.
"What the hell are you piping on about now Barbie?" Christina asked.
"You're jealous that your professor use to talk about her all the time, aren't you?" Izzie asked but it was more of an accusation.
"I don't know what you're talking about" Christina pouted folding her arms which caused the table to erupt in laughter.
"No way! What happened? She stole your thunder crack whore? Didn't get to be teacher's pet?" Alex asked through his laughter, he was just short of keeling over.
"No one steals my thunder." Christina answered grouchily, kicking Alex in his shin, causing him to stop laughing, but causing another round of laughter amongst the rest of the crew. "Besides, I don't see anything special about her anyway" she mumbled the last part.
"Christina! She's dying!" Izzie stopped to admonish her.
"So?…" Christina answered quickly, showing that she didn't see a problem with it.
Just as Meredith was about to comment Mark appeared at her side wild-eyed.
"Mark. What's the matter?" she asked as she stood to meet him.
"Lyss. She's gone. I don't know where she is. Did you tell her I would be out of surgery soon?" Mark fired off, visibly distraught.
"Oh shit!" Meredith cursed but before she could say anything more Mark interjected.
"You didn't tell her?"
"I went to… she was getting ready to leave when I got to her room. We talked a while and I forgot to tell her. I'm sorry."
"She talked to you?" He asked, surprised, that didn't seem like something Alyssa would do.
"Yeah…."
"Did she say why she was leaving or where she was going to go? I tried calling her but she didn't answer."
"She said something about causing too much trouble already. She asked about food so I told her she should check out Joes. I'm sorry Mark…"
"How long ago was this?" He asked hurriedly, hoping it would be his key to finding her.
"I don't know. Maybe 15 minutes or…" Before she could finish the sentence Mark was running out of the cafeteria.
"Wrapped around her little finger" Christina said as she got up to throw her food away, leaving the group.
"That looks more like he's whipped if you ask me." Alex said as he reached over and ate some of Meredith's salad.
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"What can I get for you" Joe asked as Alyssa slid her coat off her shoulders.
"Is your kitchen open yet?"
"Sure is, what are you in the mood for?"
"Beef!" She smiled "Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have and lots of fries."
She looked around and chose a booth not too far from the end of the bar.
"I can do that… How about a drink?"
"A beer for starters" she said and he obliged quickly coming around the bar to place the beer and some peanuts in front of her, "Thanks" she smiled as she fished her phone out of her pocket seeing she had a missed call from Mark and a few others, nothing that couldn't wait.
"So… doctor, nurse, or patient?" Joe asked which caused Alyssa to turn her head to the side, wondering why the odd question. "When your bar is across the street from the hospital, it's pretty much the extent of my patrons."
"Ah! So you're Joe."
"In the flesh!"
"I'm Alyssa. It's nice to meet you, but to answer your question, I'm a doctor." She said as she extended her hand for him to shake, which he accepted, not divulging that she was also a patient.
"Really! So are you going to be working at SGH now?"
"No. Just came to visit an old friend."
"Well I hope you have a nice visit. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be back out with your food."
"Thank You."
Maybe 3 or 4 minutes passed as Alyssa busied herself with returning emails to department heads, and job offers she was still fielding, so she didn't pay much attention when the bell on the door chimed signaling she wasn't the only other customer in the bar.
"What the hell are you thinking?" Mark practically shouted, scaring her half stupid.
"Shit Mark! You scared the bejesus out of me!" she exclaimed as she held her hand over her chest trying to catch her breath. As she calmed she took a swig of her beer letting the cool amber liquid quench her thirst, only for the bottle to be snatched from her hands.
"You know you shouldn't be drinking in your condition." He drawled as he placed the beer in front of him, he was positively livid with her.
"My condition? Seriously!" she gawked at him "You and I both know that me having a beer is not going to cause my death. What is going to kill me is the tumors taking over my brain. Now give me my beer back!"
"Cancer and alcohol are not to be…" Before he could finish his sentence she interjected
"Oral, Esophageal, Liver, and we both know full well that the cancer and alcohol medical tirade that was about to escape your lips is mainly in relation to chemotherapy which I am not a candidate for."
"Wet Brain" Mark produced as he folded his arms defiantly; obviously thinking he won the argument.
"Oh would you just stop! You're grasping at straws now Mark, there is no way I'm at risk of wet brain by drinking one damn beer. Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is the manifestation of a thiamine deficiency, which I do not have. And yes, whilst it can be induced by alcohol abuse I hardly think a beer is the abuse thereof."
"Well how about…"
"Stop it Mark. This is done, okay. You lost the ability to affect my decisions or have me care what you think about my decisions about 9 months ago so you can either hand my beer over or leave... Better yet, just leave." She said fed up with the situation.
Mark looked as though he was considering his options and finally slid the beer back to Alyssa. "Look I'm sorry okay."
"About what, exactly?" She asked.
"I was being a jackass okay. I know I was… am."
"Really which parts? Because, I don't think jackass fully sums up how I feel about you."
But before Mark could answer Joe came out of the back with her food in hand and another beer.
"That looks great" Alyssa smiled accepting the second beer a little too anxiously for Mark's liking.
"So Dr. Sloan's your old friend." Joe said voice of holding a little bit of mirth, acknowledging Mark with a small head nod.
"Yes but not who I came to see." She answered through gritted teeth and at that point Joe knew it was for the best that he made himself scarce.
"Can I get you anything?" he asked hesitantly to Mark.
"No thanks Joe, I'm good for now."
"Just holler if you need me" he instructed both as he walked to the back to busy himself with something.
Alyssa took the double cheeseburger in her hands and took a big bite, moaning as she chewed the hot food, putting a few fries in as well. She had almost forgotten the man seated across from her, who at the moment was staring at her as though she was an alien.
"What? It's really good." She told him as she sipped her beer, thinking he was finding an issue with her food moans.
"Since when do you eat anything but fish?"
"Since I found out I was dying. It really puts a lot of things into perspective." She said coolly as she ate her fries, watching as Mark flinched at the mention of death.
"Could you stop being so flippant about it." Mark stated more so than asked banging his fist on the table.
"No, I can't. Almost two months I've been dealing with this, and It's how I've chosen to deal with the hand I've been dealt, and I'm not going to stop because it makes you or anyone else more comfortable. My life has never been fair Mark, partly thanks to you, so my flippancy is my prerogative, get over it!" She huffed as she pushed her food to the side, no longer hungry.
"I'm sorry. I am." He cleared his throat hoping to dislodge the amount of emotion he heard "It's just when you seized last night… when I saw the scans… I was scared okay. I thought I would have so much time to make it right with you… I just…" he couldn't finish the sentence; his eyes were starting to pool water on the brim of his eyelashes, threatening to spill at any moment.
"I don't need your pity Mark" she replied, not moved in the least by the obvious emotion behind his words.
"Pity?! Is that what you think this is? I care about you Lyss!" he stated as he reached for her hand, which she pulled away as if she had been scald.
"You care about me? Oh, is that why you cheated on me with Addison? Why you threw a year together away, tossed me like I was on old dirty rag you had no use for?" he looked down ashamed, unable to utter a retort, an explanation for any of it. "Is that why you wrecked you and Derek's friendship? Because you cared about him too, at least that's what I thought, I mean, you've only known each other since you were 5." She said sarcastically. "I'd hate to see what you'd do to people you don't care about."
A silence ensued between them, both lost in thought.
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"Come on. Pick up. Pick up." Derek chanted into his phone.
"Hey" Alyssa answered, sounding tired.
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" he screamed into the phone.
"Umm… I'm getting a bite to eat." She answered obviously flustered by his anger, which made him feel bad about yelling at her.
"Oh… I'm sorry… I just went in your room and you weren't there and I thought… I don't know what I thought… are you in the cafeteria or outside?"
"Outside, but I'm not at the hospital." He could hear her bracing herself for another lashing.
"Where are you?" he asked sternly, showing he wasn't happy about her leaving.
"At the bar across the street."
"I'm on my way." He breathed and ended the call, not giving her a chance to protest.
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"Derek knows that you and Addison were together after he left, so if I were you I would get out of here, now." She suggested, not wanting there to be an argument between the two.
"You told him" Mark said with a tad bit of incredulity in his voice, and perhaps what sounded like, relief.
"I didn't know it was a secret! I never thought you two would lie about it! No, wait, HER, yeah I could believe it, but YOU? I actually still held you to a higher standard than that." She shook her head unbelievably.
"I wanted to tell him." He whispered and met her eyes for the first time since she gave him the verbal lashing of his life. There was truth in them, which softened her a little.
"Why didn't you?"
"Addison didn't want…" he started but stopped as soon as he saw her flinch at the very sound of Addison's name, he watched as her eyes steeled toward him.
"That bitch!" she cursed as she finished her beer. "I really can't stand to be near you right now. Can you just please leave." She whispered the tail end as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"No. You have to let me explain, at least try to Lyss. I know you hate me right now and I fucked up royally but please… just… let me in."
"That's what's so messed up about this whole thing. I don't hate you. After everything, I still can't hate you."
Right then Mark knew he at least had a chance to get his friend back, but he couldn't push her anymore, not without her shutting down and closing him out. She needed her space.
"Okay, I'll go. But I want to see you later."
She contemplated the quasi request, weighing the fact that she knew 1) she needed to fully get her issues of her chest, you know, dying and all, 2) when Mark Sloan wanted something he never gave up, so he would hound her incessantly till he got his time with her and 3) there was sure to be a confrontation if Derek saw Mark, and as much as what Addison and Mark had done was wrong she didn't want to see him hurt by Derek.
"I'm staying at the Archfield Hotel in Penthouse 2. Call me later."
Mark stood and walked the short distance till he was right in front of her, bent and kissed her atop her head. "Okay." And without another word or fleeting glance, he left.
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The rest of the day had been pretty uneventful. Derek had come over to Joes and ordered himself some lunch, so they ate together, remembering the old days, cases they had worked on together, how he and Mark had liked her from the time she was an intern but had only befriended her in her 2nd year.
After eating he took her on a ferry boat ride, something they use to do together in New York not too long ago, after a rough day, or just to hang out, on the rare occasion they had the same day off. He showed her his land, and the trailer he called home, which she assumed Addison shared because of the ridiculous amount of Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's she saw in the open closet.
As they sat on the deck sharing a bottle of wine, Derek seemed comfortable talking about the past, though he never uttered a word about Addison, which she was admittedly grateful for, but it was just plain weird, especially for Derek Christopher Shepherd. He should be upset right now, which meant throwing himself into surgery after surgery, avoiding everyone he knew, not having a relaxing day with a friend as if there wasn't a care in the world between them, which was definitely the furthest thing from the truth as either of them could get.
"This place really suits you Derek." She sighed looking up at the stars.
"I like to think so." He returned absentmindedly fiddling with his glass.
"Want to talk about it?" she asked turning her head to look him over.
"No Aly! You don't need to be worrying about me or my problems, only about you and what you want to do these next couple of months."
She knew then that the daunting realization that she was a lost cause was settling in for Derek. There was an obvious change between that morning when he promised her he would find a way and when he made her promise not to give up and to fight with him, to the here and now when they sit on his porch and it seems like all hope has left him.
"Just in case." She smiled, big and toothy, silently telling him that she would fight and that she believed in him. She knew it was wrong, and she had told herself she would never do it, but she wanted to give him hope, because that was the best part of Derek and she sure as day was not going to be the person that took the optimism out of Derek.
"Just in case." He smiled, a small glint returning to his eyes, as he clinked his glass to hers, with a comfortable silence taking over.
A phone started to ring inside the trailer and Derek got up to see who it was. He came out of the trailer with the phone, still ringing, and a scowl on his face, passing it to her. "It's Mark." He sat down in his chair heavily as though he had the weight of the world atop his shoulders.
"Hello." She said as she placed the phone on speaker. She did this in the hope that Derek would be so irritated that he would be forced to talk to her, get his issues of his chest.
"I've been texting you for the past 2 hours."
"Sorry, I was um…busy, and I left my phone inside." She said as she glanced at Derek, who now was playing with his fingernail.
"It's okay. Where are you? I can meet you there." Mark said hope in his voice.
"No. I don't think that's a good idea." She said but before she could reschedule Mark interrupted.
"C'mon, Lyss. You know the only reason I left today was because you said we would talk tonight. Please don't do this. I need to explain." He pleaded, the man sounded almost pitiful, completely unlike him, so much so that Derek looked the phone confused, eyebrows knit together.
"I'm not cancelling on you Mark. I'm with Derek right now so I just need to reschedule, maybe tomorrow."
"Okay" he agreed defeated, but through the silence you could hear he wanted to ask something else.
"Well, I'll call you when I'm available tomorrow."
"How is he Lyss?" Mark whispered. Derek scoffed and shook his head as if to say 'I don't believe this guy!'
Alyssa didn't know how to answer but looking at Derek's sullen face and the war going on behind his eyes she thought it best to tell the truth, to the both of them, because quite frankly, they needed to hear it.
"You hurt him Mark, both of you have. It's probably even worse than when he walked in on you two." Mark sighed audibly and Derek stared back at her not even blinking. "You deliberately lied to him, for months. It doesn't matter if she didn't want you to say anything, if you had any respect for the friendship you had, you should have told him Mark."
"To be honest I thought she would have told him before I came. When I found out, I didn't want to hurt him anymore Lyss, I just couldn't. You have to believe me." He replied earnestly and for the first time she broke eye contact with Derek.
"I do believe you Mark." She breathed and heard a soft sigh of relief from him. "But it still doesn't excuse it. I'm sorry." She looked at Derek again "What really irks me this time around is that I'm the one that told him, so now he's hurting because of me."
Derek looked as though he was going to answer her but Mark took his opportunity "Derek would never blame you for this, and I'm sorry you're in this situation because of me. The last thing I want to do is hurt you anymore." Mark said solemnly.
"What's done is done Mark. Look, I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow." She answered not willing to delve further into her and Mark's issues over the phone, especially with it being on speaker.
"Promise me." He told her, knowing she would never break a promise.
"I promise. Good night Mark."
"Night. Sleep well." He said and hung up right after.
"He's right" Derek said finishing the rest of his wine in a gulp.
"About?" she asked, unaware the trail of thought Derek was following.
"I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you. If anything, you're the only person I could depend on to tell me the truth."
"I never thought you were. But I have caused you pain by telling you. So now every time you think about them being together after you left, I'll be attached to the memory."
He hadn't thought of it that way, it stunned him sort of, to know her issue wasn't that he was upset with her but rather the negative knowledge of the affair would be associated with her forever. He had to agree, she would be, but not in a negative sense, but her point was valid nonetheless, so he let it be and simply nodded his head in acceptance.
"Does your family know?" he asked as the thought popped up in his head.
She shook her head in response, looking sheepishly at him.
"Aly!" he stood out of his chair swiftly, looking a mixture of scolding and disappointed.
"I just haven't gotten around to it." She told him lamely.
"They need to know! You should have the support of your friends and you family at a time like this. You have to tell them!"
"Are you really lecturing me on the need for familial support right now?" she stood to meet him. "Mr. my wife sleeps with my best friend and I don't return my family's phone calls, nor do I show up for thanksgiving, Christmas, or my mother's birthday." She replied in anger, but regretted it as soon as the words were out. It was a low blow and she hadn't intended to hurt him.
"It's not the same and you know it Aly." Derek answered letting her attack on him slide off his shoulder. She wouldn't meet his eyes so he raised her chin and saw her unshed tears pooling. "Why haven't you told them?" he asked quietly.
"I've been trying to come to terms with it okay! I always thought I'd be ready when the time came, but I'm not. I don't want to die, Derek. I don't want to die." Within an instant her body shook and the tears started to flow. "My mom and brother won't care, they never have. But my dad." She had to stop, to suppress a sob, clasping a hand over her mouth. "It'll make it real Derek. If I tell him, it'll make it real. All of it. I… I…"
She broke down completely. Derek felt when her legs gave way and had the presence of mind to catch her. She clung to him for dear life, and he held her close, taking her into the trailer. He laid with her for the rest of the night, allowing her tears to drench his shirt, running a hand through her hair for comfort, whispering word of comfort in her ear, doing whatever he needed to be her rock.