Title: Past Decisions, Brutal Realizations and a Hopeful Future

Author: Farrah

Disclaimer: If I had a couple million to spare, believe me Grey's would be mine, but I don't. I'm going to cry now :-(

Summary: Things get interesting for the gang at SGH when someone from Derek, Mark, and Addison's past makes a visit. Not only do they turn things upside down but they also share quite an interesting past with another member of the surgical team. Post 'Yesterday'.

A/N: So I am so super sorry for not updating my stories (all of them). I'm trying to rectify the situation now… I hope I still have some readers out there. If you guys are new to the fic I know the storyline is a bit old but I always wanted to finish this story.

Please review if you like it.

FYI for who I envisioned Alyssa to look like is Zoe Saldana

I thank everyone that took the time to read my story thus far. I'm honored that there are persons out there still (at my last update) interested in my story and ideas.

I have received one or two negative reviews but the CONSTRUCTIVE reviews I really do appreciate. It helps me become a better writer, truly.

I hadn't planned on explaining the Alyssa character this early. I intended for her to be heavily disliked (by some) early on but as the chapters progressed see if I could change some person's views. I've never really had a character that was mean to a main character but due to a turn in my writing I now have 2 stories with it so this is me trying to change my style and have some growth. I really hope you would continue to read, and leave reviews to tell me of my progress.

I do feel it is necessary to dispel the idea that I hate Addison. I don't. I actually really like the character; I think she and Mer (whom I admittedly love as a character) have a lot in common. Addi just hides her issues better, and dresses impeccably. I am not a MerDer shipper. I actually always wanted MerMark but I simply will take what I get (which ended up being MerDer and no Maddie, unfortunately).

But please do remember this is an AU, so with the introduction of a new character it will diverge from the storyline arc the show followed. Thank god for that I say, because Mark is ALIVE and WELL in my story . The character Alyssa has been roaming around in my head for a while now and has undergone lots of changes. I must admit I originally didn't intend for her to be as mean but as I wrote, I felt it would be cool to stir some things up.

I hope you all will continue to read as I will continue to write (albeit slowly)!

Chapter 4:

It was 7am when the alarm on Derek's phone sounded, jostling the two from their sound sleep.

"It is too early to be awake" Alyssa grumbled as she put her head beneath the pillow trying to get away from the shrill sound piercing her ears.

"What are you talking about? It's like 10am in New York right now. You would have been up hours ago." He yawned as he got up and turned the alarm off.

"Derek I haven't had to go in to work in about two months. I no longer wake up before 12."

"Shit. Sorry. I don't why I didn't think you wouldn't be working."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. We haven't really talked about much since I got here; you know me passing out and all. By the way, thanks for last night."

Derek smiled at her. One thing he knew about Alyssa Graham is that she was not in touch with her emotions so to speak and her thanking him for caring for her whilst she cried probably had bile rising in her throat at that very moment.

"Eggs and toast?" he asked as he pulled a pan from the cupboard, receiving a smile and a quick nod.

Mark lay in his bed staring at the pattern on the ceiling. He memorized every wave, turn, spiral and groove trying to control his thoughts while listening to the patter of the rain on his hotel room window.

He had barely slept since speaking to Alyssa, between worrying about their upcoming conversation; her impending death, morbid as it may be; and the encounter that was bound to happen with Derek and Addison, his mind was buzzing. Getting drunk last night didn't help the situation either. It just allowed for him to analyze every decision he had made in the last eight months or so, starting with him sleeping with Addison.

He groaned as his phone buzzed on the nightstand next to him.

'D = morn surg :( ... Bck my HOtel (-_-) R U free 2day?' he smiled as he read the text.

"Some things never change" he chuckled as he replied: 'I'm on call tonight so I don't go in until 6. I'm free whenever you are.'

She must have been awaiting his reply because she messaged back almost immediately. 'koolz… meet soon? like 2hrs?'

It was at that moment that he was frightened. He had asked for them to talk, but he wasn't ready. What was he going to say? Sorry… I'm an asshole? That wouldn't work. He said that yesterday and she was not impressed at all. 'Sure. Where would you like to meet?' he replied. He had two hours to figure his shit out.

Perhaps she was as nervous as he, this time her text took about a full two minutes to come.

'Archfield Hotel. Text on ur way up'

Shit! He thought. Maybe this would be a great time to tell her that they were living in the same hotel. Actually, they shared a floor. Penthouse 1 &2 were two bedroom lofts so they shared the hotel's 30th floor. Maybe holding off on that bit of information would be better, he didn't want to get her riled up or blindside her with the information. At this point any wrong move on his part may cause him to be completely alienated from her life.

Meredith rounded the corner with Christina and Alex, all heading to the basement to do scut work because they were late and Bailey is an evil person. For a split second she caught sight of Derek and made a beeline for the stairs leaving Christina bewildered.

"Meredith" Derek said as her hand touched the handle and she bristled almost instantly.

"Dr. Shepherd" she answered politely as she watched Christina and Alex smirk and stop to 'watch the show', sometimes she had to wonder why they were even her friends.

"I have a craniotomy in less than an hour. I need an intern, would you like to join?"

She was dumbstruck by the request, at the very least, which caused her to answer, "Wait… you're asking me?"

"Yes" he stated but sort of asked looking around, showing his confusion, she was the only one around.

"I know you're asking me." She told him quickly "I'm just surprised that you're actually asking me. Usually you just tell Bailey to put me on your rotation" she furthered looking at him squarely.

It was then he understood what she actually meant. Since he chose to stay with Addison he had not wanted to give her up, even if it were just her presence and she (at least to him) had wanted nothing more than to be a planet away from him. He had been requesting, if you could even call it that, that she be placed on his rotation as often as possible. Maybe it was selfish but he couldn't help it. She owned a part of him, no matter what decision he made.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that" he whispered as he hung his head a little. He was sorry, that much was true, and Meredith knew it as soon as the words left his lips. "I know I haven't exactly made this situation any better but if it's okay with you I'd like it if we could start over." He told her earnestly.

Meredith was confused by the turn of events, but also a little saddened. His actions to this point angered her because he wouldn't let her go but now it seemed as if he was ready to do that, and that hurt, even though it was what she wanted, knowing that he was ready to move on hurt.

"ummm… yeah… start over" she whispered trying to keep her emotions in check.

"It's just with everything the last couple days I've been thinking. I haven't been fair to you, and Mark told me how you helped out with Aly when he needed it. So as a way of saying thank you… I have a fairly complex craniotomy… are you interested?" he asked hoping she would accept his quasi apology and agree to the surgery.

"Sure. That would be great" she smiled, a real one, one that met her eyes. It was the kind of smile he hadn't seen in months, the one that invaded his dreams every night, and for a quick moment he forgot about everything and basked in its glory.

"Good. I'll let Bailey know." He smiled then left.

"Did you just get a fucking surgery?" Christina barked as she made her way to where they were standing, resuming the trek to the basement.

"Please don't start" Meredith answered rolling her eyes.

"I need to start sleeping with attendings so they can get me in on surgeries because this bites!" Alex stated as if he hadn't heard her request, or simply thought it didn't apply to him.

"Firstly, I'm not sleeping with any attendings anymore." Meredith started as the empty gurneys came into sight.

"Secondly, Burke doesn't give me surgeries." Christina continued, receiving a contemptuous glare from Meredith "Thirdly, and definitely most important you didn't pass your boards so no one in this hospital should be wasting their time by even letting you into the OR."

"Christina!"

Alyssa woke to an incessant pounding on her door, to which she rolled out of bed to answer. Without looking through the peep-hole she swung the door open and barked at whoever was at the other side.

"What do you want?"

"I messaged you. You didn't answer." Mark said as he held his hands up in feigned innocence.

"Oh shit! Sorry. I fell asleep." She yawned as she ran her hand through her bed hair.

"It's okay. I can come back if you want." Mark supplied trying to be nice. Sure he wanted them to get everything out in the open but she looked TIRED. She was definitely not the well-kept woman that he remembered her being not so long ago. Perhaps it came with the territory. She looked as if she had aged 5 years in the last few months, but considering that would only make her 31 years old it's not so bad in the grand scheme of things. Nonetheless, she was still beautiful.

"Don't be silly. Come on in." she moved back inside allowing him to close the door after him. "You want something to drink?"

"Water" he told her as he sat in one of the couches, watching her moved to the bar stand and pour a glass of water for him and a scotch for herself. "Thanks" he said as he accepted it and watched her sit at the other end of the couch.

They sat in silence not really knowing where to start. Mark figured he was at least making headway as yesterday she couldn't even bear to think about him much less bear to be in the same room as him. Alyssa's anger towards Mark no matter how well deserved had dispersed somewhat due to the cry session she had with Derek the previous night. Now, she was simply exhausted. Tired of being strong; afraid of telling her friends and family; of not wanting to admit she was scared shitless by the prospect of death; and no matter how much Mark had hurt her she still cared about him and his presence tended to calm her; though she was not willing to admit that bit of information to him, nor anyone for that matter, that would surely follow her to her grave.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked sipping on his water, not making eye contact.

"Good. No headache this morning, no blurred vision spots. So far so good really." She smiled awkwardly placing her glass on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry Lyss, I really am." he told her earnestly making eye contact for the first time since she met him at the door.

She nodded lightly in acceptance, averting her eyes to her hands which were clamped on her folded legs.

"You don't believe me." he sighed, it was odd behavior for Mark Sloan, it was as if he were a lost puppy trying to find his way home, it was almost pitiful.

"Which part?" She too sighed before continuing. "Do I believe you're sorry I have tumors, also that life really isn't fair, and there is nothing that can be said or done to change it? Yes. I believe you to be genuinely sorry. Do I believe you're sorry about the way things turned out between us, and your part in it all? No not really."

"How could you think I'm not upset about this Lyss? You and I were…we were easy. We never had to think about it, we were just, we were… US! Now, we can't even sit in a room without there being tension and awkwardness, and… it's just all wrong!"

Alyssa stood abruptly and started pacing in front in front of the window "Look Mark, I'm trying really hard not to argue with you! Please don't make this harder than it needs to be!"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about Lyss!" he stood and shoved his hands in his pockets "You never would have thought twice about arguing with me, about putting me in my place. I want that back… especially now."

"Why Mark?! Why do you want… whatever it was we had back when you obviously didn't care enough not fuck it up!

"I fucked up because I'm an asshole! Everyone knows this. You know this… I -" he explained but before he could continue she interjected moving to stand about 3 feet in front of him.

"That is not an excuse! You are the biggest jerk there is but not to me, not to Derek! Next to Der you were my best friend, the one person that I could go to no matter the problem. What you did… You ruined everything, the both of you! I can't speak for Derek but I know that you two sleeping together was the last thing I ever thought you could do."

"I wasn't thinking Lyss. She was crying okay. Derek had forgotten their anniversary and I just… I just wanted to… I don't know, be there for her. She's my friend. I…" it wasn't long before he was interrupted again.

"Correction… she's Derek's WIFE! She may be your friend but Derek is a like a brother to you. You two have known each other for longer than I've been alive. I don't care if she was at your feet begging you to" It was Mark's turn to interrupt; he had to get his point across. This would be the first time since the entire event he had a real shot at it.

"It happened so fast I didn't even know what I was doing until Derek walked in… and"

"Jesus Mark do you hear yourself? Are you trying to tell me that you didn't know it was wrong the second you two… you know what I don't want do this, I can't talk about this anymore." she said as she moved back to the bar stand and poured herself another glass of scotch.

"Fine. Can we talk about us then?"

She laughed a wry humorless laugh before asking "What us Mark? The friends? The people that were sleeping with each other? The couple that was moving in together? Or are we talking about the couple that was supposed to be telling their friends they were secretly dating each other for a year and had been serious for about 4 months… the very same night that the so called boyfriend cheats on his so called girlfriend with his best friend's wife?"

Her tirade stunned him. He had intended to ease them into the points that would be their greatest issues but she never really liked doing things the easy way, and he should have seen it coming a mile away. HE pushed the subject and one thing about Alyssa Graham was that she was incapable of backing down; problem is he didn't have an answer. He stood there staring into her brown orbs opening and closing his mouth every so often.

Sensing he was at a loss for where to begin she decided to ask the question that had been haunting her since the night she found out she had been cheated on "We were fine being friends with benefits. It worked for us. You were the one that told me you didn't want me seeing other guys. If you weren't ready for a relationship with me why did you label what we had, and tell me you were ready?"

"Because I was! I was more than ready! At least I thought so." he told her as he moved to stand in front of her. "I'm not Derek, I'm not the good guy that girls want be with forever."

"What are you talking about?" she asked exhausted with the fact that he could not remain on topic or not provide an excuse. "I didn't want Derek. I wasn't with Derek, I was with you!"

"Yeah but you were only taking the jump because I wanted you to. Because I asked you not to flirt with other guys because it drove me insane. I asked you to keep us a secret so that we could figure out what we were doing without the judgment, and then when I got my shit together and figured out I wanted to move in with you, you agreed."

"Are you saying this is my fault? That you sleeping with Addison is because I didn't challenge you on our relationship?" she asked incredulously.

"No! No… that's not what I'm saying."

"Well what are you saying, exactly?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair "I'm saying that I can be a self-centered jerk sometimes, and that I'm not the selfless guy that Derek is. That when I saw Addison crying that night because Derek chose a surgery over his anniversary, sending me in his place, I had to ask myself what hope was there for me. If Derek could do that to Addi… what would I do to you?"

"So let me get this right… you slept with her to save me the pain that you would inflict in the future? Because you're not a good guy?" She was not impressed with his explanation so far.

"At the time? NO that's not what I was thinking about, frankly I wasn't thinking… no matter if you believe me when I say that, it's true. I honestly made a mistake that night and it cost me my girlfriend and my best friend in the process."

"And afterwards? Why didn't you explain yourself then? Why did you two stay together?"

"After Derek walked in on us, I just got out of there, I knew me staying wasn't going to make anything better. As for why I never said anything to you… I just couldn't face you. I was ashamed of myself and what I did! I … I decided it was easier to be a coward than to confront you."

"In all the time I've known you Mark, cowardice was never a trait to be associated with you."

"Yeah well when you do something like I did you can't always face up to it. I knew Derek wouldn't want anything to do with me… I just don't think I could've handled that coming from you too." He said as he made a move toward her, hands still in his pockets, afraid reaching for her would scare her off.

She moved to the window, taking the long route, certain not to touch him. "Did you ever wonder how I found out? Or did you just assume the silent treatment would let me know we were over?" she asked as she peered out the window hugging herself. When he didn't answer she continued… "I was packing my stuff to move into yours when I heard the doorbell. I thought it was a little odd seeing as you had had the key for months. I opened the door fully expecting to see you with that sweet smile you reserved only for me but instead I got Derek who looked… I don't know how to explain it… a cross between disheveled, angry, and just plain sad."

She moves the coffee table in front of the couch and sits, seemingly waiting for something, so Mark slowly makes his way to the couch, and perches himself right on the edge so that he can give her his undivided attention. This seems to work…

She continues… "At this point I'm thinking the worst. Someone's dead. Someone that both he and I know, but also loves. I'm thinking you!" She croaks as her eyes appear to have unshed tears pooling on the lid.

"I give him a minute to sit because he looks like he's about to drop. But you know how I am. I live in my head. It couldn't have been more than three minutes, but I swear it, they were the longest three minutes of my life. I envisioned car explosions, robberies gone bad, 50 car pile-up, final destination nail in eye death, you name it I thought it, and I'm fairly positive I never took a breath."

Mark took hold of her trembling hands timidly but it seemed as though she didn't even register what was going on, she was dazed as she relayed the rest of the story.

Flashback

"Der talk to me. What's going on?" she asks but gets no response "Der you're scaring me. Derek!" she shouted and gave his shoulders a light squeeze that seemed to snap him out of his reverie.

"Huh… What?"

"What's the matter Derek? You can tell me."

"I knew… I knew it… I knew something wasn't right."

"What are you talking about? Is it Mark?"

"Yes Mark!" he spat "He was there! It was his jacket. The one you bought him."

"Derek where is Mark? You're not making any sense." Alyssa got up to retrieve her phone "I've been calling him for hours… he was supposed to be here by now." She said as she called his number again, only this time it went straight to voicemail.

"How could they?" He mumbled as he ran his hand throughout his already mussed hair.

"Derek look at me! Look at ME!" She said and put her hands on his face forcing him to stare right into her eyes "You're not making any sense. What the hell is going on?"

"Mark and Addi… they um… um… she was um… I can't believe this is happening." He said and just as Alyssa was about to push him for more his phone began to ring. Addison. He silenced the call and slammed the phone on the ground, but not before Alyssa was able to see the caller id.

"Did you and Addison have a fight? Is that what this is about? Did Mark take her side again?" she asked breathing a little easier, believing thoughts of death were no longer one of the options.

Derek chuckled wryly "He took more than her side."

Alyssa let the cryptic statement roll off her shoulder in order to admonish the man before her "I told you not to agree to that extra surgery. It's your anniversary you idiot, you should have been home hours ago. I can't even blame Addi for being upset with you this time." She laughed heartily and continued "I so would have sought some retail therapy on your credit card."

"My wife sleeps with my best friend and you think it's funny?"

"Wait! What?" she asked, beyond confused by the new information.

"I walked in on them not even thirty minutes ago."

"No you must be mistaken Derek. That's impossible! They wouldn't do that! Mark couldn't do that."

"I know what I saw." he sneered becoming visibly upset.

"You're wrong. I know you're have to be!" She told him lamely. In reality she had already begun to believe and if she was honest with herself she had expected him to cheat sooner or later, it was his nature… But Addison?

Derek shot up and moved to the kitchen cabinet pulling out the first bottle that came to his hand, taking a swig, not bothering with a glass. "She was on top, riding him okay! I heard her screams from downstairs and her moans… the way she said his name… his hands… they were all over her! So don't tell me I didn't see them… Because I can't get it out of my head Aly! I can still hear them for God's sake!

End Flashback

"He drank for about an hour or so… neither of us said much after that …" she told him in a detached tone.

"He stayed with you the whole time?" Mark asked, he had always wondered where Derek had disappeared to in the time after his and Addison's colossal mistake.

"Yep. I drove him to the brownstone to get his clothes that night. A week later when he left for Seattle I waited till I knew Addison had a shift and I went in and packed all the stuff he told me he wanted." She looked down for the first time and realized their hands were entwined; a small smile crept to her face, but was gone as quickly as it appeared.

"I should have known he would have gone to you. I made a real mess of things. You shouldn't have had to find out like that. You deserved better." He whispered as a tear fell down his right cheek."

"I would have forgiven you. Had you told me, I would have gotten over it." She told him as she cupped his cheek and wiped the tear away with her thumb.

Instinctively Mark leaned his head into her hand and peered into her eyes. It was as if they had been transported back in time and all was as it were before, the pull they had toward the other was incredibly strong. "I know. But you deserve better than me babe. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"That's not your call to make Mark." She stood abruptly, obviously upset; Mark cursed himself for once again saying the wrong thing. "I am tired of being treated like a child. Don't you realize that you not coming to me hurt me more than you telling me ever could?"

"I see that now, but back then I…" he didn't know what to say, this heart-to-heart talking was not his strong point.

She started shaking her head furiously not able to hold the tears back anymore, but she wasn't breaking down like the previous night, this was different, she was upset! "You promised me that no matter what happened between us you would always be there. You lied to me!" she screamed and started pounding on his chest, whilst he made no attempt to stop her. "Shit happened and you weren't there!"

There was something about the way she said it that piqued his interest "What happened?" he asked but instead she made an attempt to turn from him, only to be stopped by Mark gripping her forearms and pinning them to his chest. "What happened Lyssa?"

She stared him down and for the first time he was really afraid he would never really have her back in his life, the disdain her eyes held for him was simply frightening, especially after she had just stated she would have forgiven him. "I was pregnant Mark. The night you didn't show that was what I had to tell you. I was pregnant." She spat.

The color instantly drained from Mark's face and Alyssa pulled herself from his grip and picked up her previously abandoned drink, downing it in a quick gulp.

"How…" he stuttered.

"I'm sure you know how it happened" she huffed as she poured another drink, the alcohol was getting to her but better that than handling Mark sober, that was too dangerous.

"How far along!" He fumed, all of a sudden he was seeing red.

"What does it matter?" she breathe non committedly, the point of delving into this issue was lost on her.

"I want to know!"

"I was 4 weeks along okay. Happy?"

"Why didn't you tell me?!" he spat, his nostrils flaring, she didn't understand why he felt he had the right to be angry right now.

"Why? Are you serious? How was I supposed to tell you when you made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me?"

"Don't give me that bullshit Alyssa. You know damn well I would have been there!"

"Have you lost your mind? Do you not remember the many conversations we had about not wanting kids, about how we would make horrible parents?"

"So that's what it was? Revenge? I screwed you over so you wanted to get even?" he got right in front of her face, veins popping from his neck, his face flushed with anger.

Alyssa moved swiftly to the door and put her hand on the knob, if he didn't stop making accusations she was very close to throwing a vase at his face so it was best he left. "Get out." She said steadfastly as he hands trembled from the anger rising in her chest.

"What is with you women and killing my kids!?" He screamed as she swung the door open.

"Get the hell out. NOW!" she screamed right back and he obliged stopping right outside the door to stare her down. Just as he was to speak she bit out in a clipped tone "For your information, I miscarried MY child." She slammed the door on him immediately thwarting any ability he had to make a retort and for the second time in less the 24 hours she broke down. Perhaps coming to Seattle wasn't such a good idea after-all.

Thanks as always for reading. Please review! It lets me know you're reading!