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Chapter 8

The Council of Elrond had begun. All of the representatives of Middle Earth were seated in a circle, with Elrond in the biggest chair since it was his house. What do you mean it doesn't work like that in real life? GANDALF IS HERE SO SHADDAP.

Elrond stood to greet the Council, nearly tripping because he still had a paper bag over his head.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall."

"or u could just take that dum looking bag off ur head," came a voice from the crowd.

"Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom," Elrond continued. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

Frodo looked up from his laptop. He'd been trying to hack into Rivendell's WiFi.

"stand back giys dis thing is dangerous." Frodo placed the Ring on the stone pillar in the middle of the circle.

"Why do you have a paper bag on your head?" a random elf asked.

Boromir jumped up. "Take the paper bag off, good sir! I would like to analyze your nose!"

Elrond was extremely taken aback. "W-what? I… If you have nothing to say about the Ring, sit down!"

Boromir sat down, disappointed.

Gandalf started reading Twilight Fanfiction out loud. Everyone screamed and covered their ears, rolling around on the floor in agony. One of the dwarves punched himself in the face and passed out in order to make it stop.

"Huh? What's going on?" Aragorn tried to dig some dirt out of his ear.

Finally, Gandalf finished the first chapter.

Elrond was equal parts horrified and angry. "Never before has anyone uttered words of that genre here in Imaldris!"

Gandalf glared at the masked elf. "That's what you get for not throwing any parties."

"But you can't just read… that kind of stuff in Rivendell!"

Gandalf bopped his head some more. "I do not ask your pardon, Lord Elrond. The Ghetto Speech of Mordor may be heard in every corner of the West." He dramatically turned his head and pointed to a random corner. "Even that one!"

Muffled sobbing was heard from the corner. "Why me?" cried a soft voice.

"The Ring is evil," Gandalf continued.

"EEEEVIL!" Mermaid Man yelled from a tree.

Boromir shook his head. "Nay, it is a gift!" He stood up. "A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?" He paced throughout the circle, stroking his nose thoughtfully. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people your lands are kept safe. All noses in Middle Earth have been preserved!" He pointed randomly to the sky. "Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!"

"You cannot wield it," Aragorn spoke. The elves sitting next to him realized his dirt was infecting them and rapidly scooted away. "The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

Boromir turned his nose up. "And what would a ranger know of this matter?"

Legolas randomly stood up. "He is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Arador son of Argonui son of Arathorn son of Arassuil son of Arahad son of Aravorn-"

"Calm down, elf!" Boromir interjected. "Nice nose, by the way. Seven out of ten."

"Son of Aragost son of Arahad son of Araglas son of Aragorn son of Aravir son of Aranuir son of Arahael son of Aranarth son of Arvedui son of Araphant-"

"What is going on?" Elrond cried.

"Son of Araval son of Arveleg son of Arvegil son of Argeleb son of Araphor son of Arveleg son of Argeleb son of Malvegil son of Celebrindor son of Mallor son of Beleg son of Amlaith-"

"I'M GANDALF!"

"Son of Earendur son of Elendur son of Valandur son of Tarondor son of Tarcil son of Arantar son of Eldacar son of Valandil son of Isildur!"

"dies of boredom," Frodo commented.

"You owe him your allegiance!" Legolas passed out from lack of air.

"Wait, so you're Isildur's heir?" Boromir asked Aragorn.

"Why does everybody say that?" Aragorn complained, touching his face. "I look nothing like his hair!"

"yea cuz i bet he actaully baithed," Frodo interjected.

"Heritage or no heritage, the Ring cannot be used by the forces of good!" Gandalf proclaimed.

"How can someone have no heritage?" Elrond questioned.

"I don't!" Gandalf clapped his hands and started boogying. It was very amusing to watch.

"The Ring must be destroyed!" Elrond proclaimed, trying to bring the attention back to himself.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimli cried, hefting his axe and bringing it down on the Ring. The axe promptly exploded in Gimli's face. The Ring was not damaged at all.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin."

"Son of Groin son of Farin-" Legolas passed out again, this time from being knocked out.

"The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom," Elrond continued. "Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

"We'll see about that!" Gimli declared, using duct tape to attach a Nokia to the stump of his axe. "A dwarf of Erebor does not give up that easily."

"Boromir! The meme! Quick!" Elrond shouted before Gimli could destroy all of Rivendell.

Boromir quickly formed his fingers into a circle and declared, "One does not simply walk into Mordor." Everyone clapped. Orchestra music played. It was a symbolic event that even Martin Luther King was jealous of.
"Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep and the great eye is ever watchful. 'Tis a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is poisonous. All of this is unhealthy for the nose. It is folly."

Legolas jumped to his feet. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed! It must BURN."

"And I supposed you think you're the one to do it!" Gimli sassed.

"Wait, if Sauron has a nose, then how does he fit it underneath his helmet? Boromir wondered.

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli declared, jumping to his feet. He suddenly realized he was slowly being surrounded by tall, glowering, menacing elves.

"Because that was a smart thing to say in Rivendell," Elrond glared from behind his paper bag.

Everybody stood up and started arguing. Gimli was shouting and performing an obscure method of sassing known as "Penguin Sass". Gandalf was discreetly crowd surfing.

"well i guess a hobbits gotta do what a hobbits gotta do," Frodo said to himself, standing up. "alright biches party's over. imma take da ring to motown or wuteva."

Nobody heard him. The arguing continued.

"GUYS DID YOU LIKE NOT HEAR ME BC IM TALKING TO YOU. PAY ATTENTION!" Frodo screamed.

Everybody looked at him.

"i will take da ring to mordor. i need da wifi anyways. i dont no da way tho."

"I'll help ya, Frodo! I'm sure we'll have lots of good times!" Gandalf declared, standing behind Frodo so the hobbit wouldn't see the sorrow in his eyes.

Aragorn stood up as well, mud cascading from his shoulders. "I will help you as well." He knelt in front of Frodo. "You have my sword."

"And my flamethrowers!" Legolas cackled, shooting a badass flamethrower into the air.

"AND MY AXE!" Gimli cried, spraying Axe body spray into the air, where it combined with Legolas' flames. Did you know that Axe body spray is flammable? Neither did the elves until all their hair burned off. Gandalf was unaffected (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. YEAH!) Frodo was too short, and Gimli and Legolas managed to duck in time. Aragorn's dirt got a little singed, though.

"I'll go too," Boromir offered, then let out a bloodcurdling scream and pointed at Elrond. His bag had been burned off and his eyebrows were smoking, making him the very image of hell.

Chaos ensued, everybody running around and panicking over the Eyebrows of Doom.

"Oh, come on, they're not that bad!" Elrond tried to reason.

"Yes, they are!" Gandalf argued, snatching the flamethrower away from Legolas before he could completely burn the elven lord.

Sam, Merry, and Pippin ran into the mayhem. "We're coming too!"

Nobody heard them over the sound of alarm bells and panicking cows.

"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!" Elrond declared.

"IT SPEAKS!" A random elf screamed and threw a violin at Elrond's head, knocking him out cold.

"Where are we like, even going?" Pippin was smoking something that smelled suspiciously of semicircles.

"I'M GANDALF!"

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! It was a lot of fun to write. What did you think of Legolas' character? I wanted to try something a little more original than the "prissy elf" persona I see in every parody.

Also, since I'm still kinda ahead, I'll post another chapter tomorrow if I get 5 reviews since I got such an amazing response yesterday.