I'm so happy with the response I got for the last two chapters! You guys are the best!

Chapter 9

"Here is my old sword, Sting. Take it." Bilbo handed his sword to Frodo. The two were in Bilbo's bedroom, going through his old stuff. "My therapist told me to get rid of objects that remind me of…" An earthquake rumbled through the room and the lighting dropped two bumfuzzles. "The quest."

"does this have wifi," Frodo drew the sword and studied it.

"Well, it was made by elves, so you can never tell." Bilbo reached into his trunk and threw a pair of sophisticated, swagalicious panties out of the window. High-pitched babbling was heard outside.

"oKAy then merry christmas! can i leave now," Frodo made for the door, but a shiny chain mail shirt was thrown at him.

"Have this! Try it on, it'll really attract the ladies!"

"fineeeeee," Frodo moaned, unbuttoning his shirt a little.

Bilbo saw the Ring and gasped. "My Ring! I really should like to hold it again, one last time."

"uhmm how about nopee," Frodo started to button up his shirt.

Bilbo's face contorted as though he'd just snorted a whole vat of bath salts. He snarled and made a grab for the Ring.

"NOT 2DAY!" Frodo wielded his trusty laptop and smacked his uncle across the face. "srry uncle but i think theres a law against that."

Bilbo began to cry. "I'm so sorry… for everything."

Frodo looked at him for a moment before striding out the door, wondering why everyone became sad around him.

NOT SO SUBTLE TRANSITION TO GET AWAY FROM FEELsS

"The Ringbearer is setting out on a quest to Mount Doom and you who travel with him are not bound by any oath to go further than you will," Elrond was speaking to the Fellowship outside of Rivendell, a fresh paper bag on his head. "Farewell. Hold to your purpose and may the blessings of elves, men, and all free folk go with you. Now, begone, so I can get this god damn paper bag off."

"LEGGO! WE GON' PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999! YEAYUH!" Guess who said that.

Frodo walked through the doorway of Rivendell. "do i go left or right? are we there yet?"

"Go left," Gandalf advised.

Aragorn turned back and took one last look at Arwen. Her eyes were filled with so many unspoken words, like a New York Times article being thrown away because of bad grammar. Then he realized his girlfriend was making goo-goo eyes at Legolas. He swung around and marched out of Rivendell, almost dropping a whole mountain of dirt in the courtyard.

888

They traveled South, parallel to the Misty Mountain range.

"We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. And there, our road turns east to Mordor," Gandalf narrated.

Merry stared at the wizard. " How can you talk without moving your mouth?"

Gandalf held up a machine that looked suspiciously like a mini submarine. "Voice over, biatch!"

About a month into their journey, they stopped on a huge pile of boulders to make camp. Sam was eating sausages, or at least trying to since raven crap kept landing on his food. Merry and Pippin were practicing sword fighting with Boromir even though Pippin kept holding his sword by the wrong end and Merry didn't even know what a sword was. Aragorn was trying to smoke his pipe. He was getting very frustrated because the dirt from his face kept extinguishing the pipe.

"Good job, Pippin!" Boromir praised. "Your nose is a bit too thin, though."

"Remember to move your feet," Aragorn advised, lighting his pipe for the fifth time.

"How would you know? Whenever you move your feet, a landslide comes out of your hair!" Merry said.

"AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pippin fell over laughing, nearly impaled himself on his own sword, and passed out.

"It wasn't even that funny…" Aragorn pouted.

Boromir stared at the hobbit at his feet in surprise. "Does this happen often?"

"If anyone was to ask for my opinion-" Gimli began

"Were," Gandalf corrected.

"What?"

"It's were. If anyone were to ask for your opinion."

Gimli scowled. "When did you suddenly become such a grammar expert?"

Gandalf made a "tch" noise. "College! Where do you think I became such a good party-er?" Gandalf started partying. "YEAH!"

"But seriously, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

"Ummmmmm…. No. Balin is such a party pooper. Last time I hung out with him, all he did was bitch about how Bofur was an asshole and whatnot."

Meanwhile, Legolas paused from his little project and stared at a dark cloud in the sky. He had been burning various objects, including Boromir's stash of hamburgers and Merry's bright purple running shorts.

Boromir picked up Pippin's pipe. "What's in this anyway?"

Pippin immediately leaped up and kicked Boromir in the balls. "NOT MY WEED!" he screamed, snatching his pipe and running away.

Boromir was bent over double, having been kicked so hard that his nose started to bleed. His face was nearly purple. Ain't nobody gets kicked by a hobbit and walks away an unchanged man.

Ain't nobody.

Sam noticed the dark cloud as well. He stood up, praying to Aule that it wasn't more ravens. "What is that?"

"Crebain! From Dudland!" Legolas cried.

"What?" Aragorn asked.

"Існує сопки голос на повітрі," Legolas replied.

Everyone rushed around camp, putting out the fire and hiding under rocks and bushes. A huge cloud of crows fluttered over their camp, circled around, and flew back the way they came.

Gandalf emerged from his hiding place in an explosion of balloons and disco balls. "They be spies of Saruman! The south pass is being watched. We must take the Pass of Cara…Carod…no, that's not it…"

"It's not that important," Aragorn interjected.

"The Pass of Carumba! Leggo!" Gandalf partied towards a snowy mountain.

888

The Fellowship trekked through the snowy slopes of Carada….Cahdar…Cardio…..…forget it. They were climbing the snowy mountain.

Frodo slipped and tumbled through the snow. "GAH SON OF A BITCH!"

"Frodo!" Aragorn concentrated extra hard, and a nice cushion of dirt appeared for Frodo to land on. By that point, everybody was beginning to think the dirt was a part of his system.

The ringbearer picked himself up and noticed that he was no longer bearing the Ring. Further up the slope, Boromir picked up the Ring.

Everybody stared. The tension in the air was so tangible that Gimli cut off a slice and ate it.

"Uh…Boromir…" Aragorn prompted, the snow around him turning a nice black-brown color with suspicious streaks of purple.

Frodo climbed up to Boromir and snatched the Ring from him. "u wanna talk noses? well urs is so ugly that hello kitty said goodbye 2u. now gtfo."

Boromir burst into tears and ran away.

Merry winced. "Remind me never to piss off Frodo."

Frodo: yah guys liek dont piss me off! also each review brings me closer 2 gettin da wifi!

Sam: And each step I take is the farthest I've been from the Shire.

Frodo: stfu

Melissa: Be nice! But do indeed stfu, Sam. Anyways, tell me what you think in the comments and what your favorite part was! Byee! ;*