So in this chapter get ready for a PIMPIN AWESOME MOFO RAP PERFORMANCE!1!1! Also, a guest appearance by everyone's favorite black person (guess who). And no, it's not Kanye West :(

Chapter 10

The Fellowship struggled through icy winds and slippery snow. That is, everyone except for Legolas. He was easily skating on top of the snow because he's an elf, so screw you. But his elfishivityismness was still affected by the cold. The storm was growing worse by the minute.

"If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road?" Saruman's voice echoed through the storm.

"Was that Saruman?" Gimli asked.

Gandalf looked extremely stressed as Saruman's voice sounded again:

"Mr. Gandalf, you are playing for a million. Which answer do you choose?"

"He's trying to bring down the mountain, Gandalf! We must turn back!"

"It's probably C…no, it's D." Gandalf was still trying to decide.

"Wake up cruel Redhorn! May your bloodstained horn fall upon enemy heads!"

"thats wut she said," Frodo snickered.

A miniature avalanche buried the Fellowship in snow. Moments later, Legolas used his flamethrower to burst through, climbing out and shooting fire in all directions.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLCRAP!" he screamed.

Boromir climbed out as well, taking extra care to brush the snow off of his nose. "We must get off the mountain and make for the Gap of Rohan! We could take the west road to my city."

"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" Aragorn argued, somehow digging himself out with his ankles.

"If we cannot pass over the mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria!" Gimli encouraged.

Gandalf thought for a minute. "No, it's definitely A."

"We cannot stay here! That will spell death of the hobbits! We cannot let these fine nose specimens be lost!" Boromir cried.

"What do you think, Frodo?" Gandalf consulted the ringbearer.

"as long as they have wifi," Frodo consented.

"Moria has everything!" Gimli boasted.

Gandalf shrugged. "Fine. I was going to do the whole Moria thing anyway."

888

Mist drifted through the valley as the Fellowship walked. And walked. And walked some more. They strolled. They sauntered. They ambled, trudged, plodded, hiked, tramped, tromped, stomped, trekked, marched, strided, sashayed—

Gimli snatched a paper away from Legolas. "Stop that! Nobody needs to hear your fancy synonyms!" The dwarf stomped away, not noticing Legolas' mocking impression of him.

Gandalf approached Frodo and put an arm around his shoulders, holding a cup of beer with his free hand. "Yo Frodo! Come help an old man!"

"okk. does that make u my manservant?"

Gandalf ignored that. "How's your shoulder?"

"um bettr i gess. i mean its still attached so…"

"As long as you can fist pump, you'll be fine! Never give up the party animal inside, Frodo! Oh, and don't lose the Ring either. Some people might steal it. Boromir," he added as the Gondorian in question walked past. He gave the wizard a glare before muttering about fat dorsoms and wrinkly bridges.

"who do i even trust?" Frodo asked.

"Trust yourself," Gandalf advised. "Keep your drink close to your chest." He took a sip of his beer.

"wat?"

Gimli dramatically pointed to a rock. "Ah! The walls of Moria!" He tapped the cliff face with his axe. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed."

"That sounds like an innuendo."

Frodo accidentally stumbled, his foot slipping into the lake for a moment. "ew dis water is as slippery as daniel craig's face."

Gandalf strode over to the rock wall and tapped it with his staff. Then he tapped his staff twice. Soon he had a pimpin' beat going. "My name is Gandalf, I live on the streets, I wear gray clothes and I don't wear cleats!" he rapped.

Merry and Pippin started breakdancing. Gimli played a saxophone.

"Say hey, Gandalf!" the gray wizard cried.

"Hey, Gandalf!" the rest of the Fellowship responded.

"Say ho, Gandalf!"

"Ho, Gandalf!"

"Hey, Gandalf!"

"Ho, Gandalf!"

"Hey ho hey ho!"

"ho ho homos!" Frodo shouted, which for some reason made the invisible dwarf door light up into an ornate tree pattern. "lol yaoi always wins!"

"It says, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria, Speak Friend and Enter'." Gimli translated as Gandalf struggled out of his rapping gear.

"That's not even a proper sentence," Merry sniffed.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it means we'll have to party all night and then when morning comes and we're all half-dead with hangovers, Pippin will shower us with hallucinogens, magically causing the door to open, after which the dwarves will give us hangover pills! They updated the recipe to get rid of the troll crap," Gandalf informed the group. There was an awkward silence.

"I actually do have hallucinogens," Pippin offered. Everybody noticed that his coat was really bulky. A strange acidic substance leaked out of one of the sleeves.

"Um…maybe I'll just try to figure out the password," Gandalf decided. "It can't take more than a few minutes."

Obviously, that led to them waiting for nearly two hours for Gandalf to come up with something.

Aragorn helped Sam pull their supplies off of their pony, Bill. "The Mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill."

"Wait, when did we even get a pony?" Sam was confused.

The skin of the pony suddenly rippled, then unzipped, falling to the ground. Tons of ravens burst forward from the fake pony costume, attacking Sam and giving him purple-nurples before flying away into the night.

Aragorn shrugged, causing a few pounds of dirt to fall on Sam. Then he spotted Bill trotting up to his master.

Sam regained consciousness. "Good to see you, Bill!"

PLOT TWIST: "Bill" unzipped his skin as well and turned into Patrick Star! Patrick also unzipped his costume and turned into Morgan Freeman! Everybody bowed.

"Evening, gentlemen." When Morgan Freeman spoke, Gandalf became even more awesome. Legolas' hair straightened itself. Even Aragorn became a bit less dirty.

"What brings you here, O Great One?" For once, Frodo spoke with perfect grammar.

"Oh, not much. I just wanted to make a foreshadowing appearance. You'll be needing me in the next movie."

Nobody questioned his statements, even though they didn't really make sense at the time. The next thing they knew, Morgan Freeman was gone, and everybody felt as light and refreshed as that one time that Sam had gone on a diet. Just kidding, that never happened.

Merry and Pippin started throwing rocks into the lake.

Aragorn grabbed Pippin's arm. "Don't do that!" He looked from side to side and whispered, "The rocks don't like that."

Gandalf ragequitted, flipping over a random table and plopping down next to Frodo. "I give up! I still think we should do my party plan."

Aragorn and Boromir noticed that the water was starting to ripple ominously.

"o well," Frodo shrugged. "wait…i think i got a signal!"

Next chapter, something monumentous will happen. What? that's not a word? Shut up.

Review and tell me what your favorite part was! Or guess what Boromir would rate your nose as! A review= giving Loki a hug so start typing!