Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Harry awoke at the Burrow with his scar hurting as usual. Another year, another one of Voldemort's plots to kill him was coming. It was growing rather tiresome. He went downstairs, his trunk packed, ready to go to King's Cross.

"Hey Harry, what do you think it'll be this year?" Ron said cheerily.

"No idea, but maybe sharks? It's been raining poorly rendered sharks a lot lately," Harry replied.

"Don't you boys worry about that, I've bought shark-proof umbrellas for everyone," Molly Weasley said, waving her wand and setting the table for breakfast, "Now hurry up and eat. Those umbrellas may be shark-proof but Arthur was denied company cars again and driving with those falling from the sky all the time will be a nightmare."

She was right. It took hours to get to Kings Cross. Not only were sharks falling, but now octopi as well and sharks that look to have been cross bred with octopi.

"Looks like seafood for dinner again tonight," Molly said with a sigh.

The platform for the Hogwarts Express was bustling with the normal students and families. Harry waited to board when he heard a voice, saying something. He looked around to see a girl who looked absolutely ordinary and boring in every way except that she seemed to not be able to keep her balance and kept falling over.

"Are you alright?" He asked with some concern. Perhaps this girl had been a victim of the Dark Lord. There was a war supposedly going on so there should have been some victims by now.

"I'm fine.. but you.. you're beautiful, you don't sparkle but I can forgive that.. so beautiful.. "she trailed off and fell over but Harry caught her before she fell over again.

"Have you been attacked? By Death Eaters?" He asked, being slightly more concerned now, perhaps someone should take her to St. Mungo's or the headquarters of the Order.

"My name is Nella. I've just come from Spoons, Nebraska, I'm a witch but my squib sister is better at magic than I am, but enough about me. Let's talk about you.." she stumbled and stared at Harry, "What's your favourite books, music, quidditch team. I need to know so I know what to like. I want to like everything you like.. you're so pretty and manly and perfect."

"C'mon Harry, the train's about to leave" Ron yelled.

Harry paused. He couldn't just leave the girl who had a mad look about her. If she was on her way to Hogwarts, she would likely fall on the train tracks and get run over. He reached out her hand and helped her on the train and into the compartment where Ron and Hermione were sitting.

"This is Nella, I think she's ill, we'd better keep her here and get her to Madam Pomfrey when we get to school. I think Death Eaters may have harmed her."

Ron and Hermione shrugged and continued to circle around their obvious unresolved sexual tension while Nella continued to stumble around her seat, falling over to the floor many times, beaming at Harry with her face in a plain grin with poorly installed braces. She kept asking Harry question after question.

"What's your favourite food," she'd ask sulkily.

"Treacle tart, why?" He'd reply.

"That's my favourite food too," she said in a voice that would bore Professor Binns.

It went on like that for a while until they were starting to get a bit irritated.

"You know, my parents are dentists, you should go see them about those braces," Hermione said sharply.

"Hermione, this girl has likely been cursed. We need to find out who did this to her. This may be just the beginning of one of Voldemort's plots to kill me. It's a new year, which means he needs a new overly-complicated plot to kill me."

"That's true, but she's really starting to get on my nerves."

Hermione tied some magical ropes around Nella to keep her from falling over and buried herself in a book while Ron amused himself with the latest issue of Max the Mad Muggle. But Harry continued to be concerned and started to feel pity for this girl. Who was she? What had she been through? Despite Voldemort's terrible ability to make decent evil plots, he and his followers were capable of some very powerful Dark Magic. Nella kept beaming at him and asking him questions. It was like Colin Creevy, if Colin Creevy had become a creepy girl.

And then.. a girl appeared at the entrance to their train cabin. She was wearing fishnet stockings, and a corset from Hot Topic (all black lol Raven) and high heeled shoes from Hot Topic and a short sexy skirt from (LOL guess!) HOT TOPIC! She was drinking blood from a blood juice box because that's all they had on the train.

"What r u prepps doing?" She said sexily, "Vampire is mine. Come on Vampire, let's go to my cabin and do it and drink blood."

"Who the hell is Vampire and who are you? Can't you see this girl is ill" Harry replied, very puzzled at the situation.

"I am Enoby Goff, but if u want that stopid preppp I'll just go do it with Draco while he slits his wrists"

And just like that, the strange girl disappeared.

Harry leaned against his seat lost in confusion. This had to be part of Voldemort's plot but what? A sick, likely cursed girl and a clearly mad one that had never been at Hogwarts before. He knew what he had to do, go to Dumbledore and wait for him to give him a vague non-answer and then put him in unnecessary danger. Yes, that would clearly be the thing to do.

Back at his Evil Lair of Evilness. Voldemort was cackling with his evil villain laugh (which, incidentally, had just won the Best European Evil Laugh Award that year) and rubbing his hands together, stopping only to rub his snake. Yes, this year – he would have the last laugh – an award winning laugh at that!

Meanwhile the rain poured heavy with sharks.